Why does everyone automatically assume step mothers are all evil?

Jane - posted on 10/14/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I'm lost and alone.. I don't know what to do anymore... I've been raising my step kids for almost 9 years now. I've been the only one involved in their lives.. While their real parents party like teenagers and still is... When the kids were happy and sad or in trouble somewhere I was the only one there... But yet I'm still view as the evil step mom because I ground them when they were bad... I'm even told why I'm slaving them when I ask them to do chores like clean up after theirselves... I don't know what to do anymore.. My husband expects me to give them everything they want and for me to do everything for them... If I don't then I'm selfish and evil and that I don't love them because I'm not their real mom...We are currently arguing about getting cell phones for his 2 younger ones ages 18 and 14.. I disagree on getting phones for them because I want them to focus on school... I know a phone would just become a big distraction because I've already did the phone thing before with his 14 year old daughter and her grades went down big time... So I cancelled the phone... But then recently I got both of them prepaid phones... But because they weren't androids or iPhones they tossed it somewhere and have no clue where they are... And now their dad is arguing for me to get them phones again... I feel like its unnecessary.. The 18 year old is just totally off the hook and that is why I refuse to get him a phone... He's doing his second year of HS senior and would have to do a 3rd year of senior year just to graduate High school. He's recently decided to drop out of school. He wants to do nothing with his life but go out all day to drink and then come home drunk & high.. Everyday he repeats the same thing.. I got tired of it and kicked him out after many warnings... He's 18 yrs old if he's not going to school then he needs to get a job... As a mother who's raised her kids since little would never want to see their children waste their life away by making bad choices... It breaks my heart and I feel like I failed because he's become the way he is... But what can I do when his dad tells me to let him do what he wants.. My step son expects me and his dad to support him and his habits forever and his dad agrees.... My step son came home drunk one night and choked my 8year old...his half sister.. I'm still hurt that his dad didn't believe me that he did it on purpose... His reason is that because he was bored...If my step daughter hadn't come out of the bathroom and saw it I don't know what the outcome would of been for my daughter... The way my step daughter said she saw how he was looking at himself in the mirror choking my daughter was evil... I can only imagine how scared my daughter was... Why is that everyone views step mothers as evil but not step kids? I'm so tired of my husband telling me that I don't love his kids because I'm not their real mom... But yet I'm the only parent the schools or the doctors have ever known and met... So since I kicked my 18 year old step son out my husband's side of the family sure has a lot to say of how evil I am.. No one knows the tears and heart breaks I've endure raising these kids as my own loving them and protecting them to become young adults and teens for them just to treat me like shit... My husband doesn't understands that All I've ever wanted is for them to have a good education and know responsibility so that they would have a good future ahead of them...Is that too much to ask? Does that make me evil? Because that is all I'm hearing.. I'm so hurt right now I don't even know where to turn.. I told my husband he had an option of moving out with his kids and leaving me and our daughter we share together.. I'm tired of being view as the evil one and his kids viewed as the victims... I guess it's because step mothers were written as evil step mothers in fairytales and now in reality we all are... At this point I don't mind living on my own as the ex evil step mother... Has anyone of you experience what I've experience or is currently going through the same?

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Brittany - posted on 10/17/2014

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I am so sorry that it is so difficult. Sometimes having a family member counsel is difficult because they are not a neutral party and it can feel awkward. Have you talked to a neutral third party at all? I am sorry that you feel like you're in this alone, that can be very frustrating. I will keep you in my prayers!

Live, Laugh, and Cantor on

Jane - posted on 10/15/2014

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I've tryed talking to my husband... It's no use... Me and my husband were brought up differently... His side of the family doesn't believe in punishing their kids... Their use to handing their kids everything on a silver platter because that's what their parents did for them... As for me I was brought up being taught to learn how to be independent... It's a one way street in my situation.. Even counseling won't do.. We've had family members listen to our problems and try to advise us and the only one who is always willing to make changes or except what people point out is me... My husband is just as bad as his kids...

Brittany - posted on 10/15/2014

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I am so sorry that you are going through this. This doesn't make you an evil step mom. Mom's are supposed to love their kids and punish them to help guide them. It sounds as if that is what you are doing. Have you talked to your husband and explained your thoughts and feelings behind it and how it makes you feel? Have you considered talking to a counselor? You may find the book The Smart Step Family by Ron Deal helpful. I will keep you in my prayers!


Live, Laugh, and Cantor on

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