I just had to tell someone, this may upset you. Please read with caution.

Kerri - posted on 03/05/2010 ( 178 moms have responded )

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Girls, I'm almost very sorry for posting this on here, but i have to tell someone, someone who doesn't know me, and someone that can just send me hugs, and make me feel better. This is a horrific story, and yet, its the story of my life. Please don't judge me for posting, i just need help!



This is going to be one long, horrible story, but here goes.

I was born disabled, registered blind, and i was a girl so i was never good enough for my father. He left my mum when i was just a yr old, and she went on to have 2 more children with a different man, and he then left too. My mum met a lovely man who took us all on. He was a real father figure to us all. i even called him dad for a time. Then i got a phone call, out of the blue. i was 8 yrs old. It was my biological father. saying he'd been searching for me for years, and could he come and see me. My mum was scared. i didn't know why, i was too young. Eventually she agreed, bcuz i was complaining all the time, and she couldn't stand to see me unhappy. she said i had to stay where she could see me at all times. that was nothing new, being disabled, i was always in her sight. I met my 'father' and we had a nice lunch. i saw him regularly for a while, and then he asked if he could take me away on holiday. it would only be to pourtsmouth, by the sea. my mum was really worried. i remember hearing a conversation between them. my mum told him that if he ever hurt me she'd kill him. and he told her that he'd changed, that he just wanted to be a good father. A few weeks later, me and my best friend went to stay with my 'father'. we went away to pourtsmouth and had a good time. we came back a week later and everything was fine. i went away with him the next summer, just after i turned nine years old. I was a big girl now, so i didn't need my friend to come this time, besides his girlfriend and her two young daughters were coming along. we went to South hampton this time. to the beach and the fair. IT was my last night there, when he came into my room to say goodnight. His girlfriends' girls where in the next room. what he did then would upset too many people, but it changed me forever. He told me that if i told my mum, she'd stop loving me the way she did, she'd make me go away, she'd say it was my fault, just as he did.



I was very young, and very insecure, having able-bodied siblings, i had alwasys felt a divide between my mum and me. I didn't want her to stop loving me, so i said nothing. By then he had visitation rights so i had to keep seeing him. every weekend. The abuse got physically more demanding as time went on, until i was 13, when i finally fell pregnant from it. i was petrified. now my mum would know, everyone would know. i'd be sent away, as he'd told me four years before. I saw those two little pink lines, and i was physically sick. i told my 'father' the next weekend, when he came to pick me up. he made me take another test, and as i showed it to him, he hit out at me. that was the first time he hit me, and he didn't stop. he was screaming things at me, telling me how dirty i was, how i should have taken care not to let this happen. telling me i'd ruined his life. And as i lay there, on the bed, where he left me, blood pouring out of me, i couldn't stop sobbing. God alone know's how, but i knew the baby was gone. And something finally snapped. i eventually got up, a few hours later, had a shower and called my mum. He heard me on the phone and asked what i was doing. i refused to speak to him. He raised his hand to hit me again, this time in the face. 'go on then, do it.' i said, just staring at him. ' this one you won't be able to hide'. and he backed down. he walked away. he cleaned up the bedroom before my mum came to take me home.



she came in the door and i gave her a hug, fighting back the tears. 'i want to come home mum.' she looked at me and said 'why babygirl? are you ok?' i said 'yeah, i just wanna come home. i miss you' she gave me another hug. 'come on then, the others are in the car.' We went home. and i never saw him again.



I eventually told my mum that i'd been abused by him when i was nearly 17. She was devastated. i found out that he's forced her into a sexual relationship when she wasn't ready for it. that's how she'd come to have me at 16 yrs old. And i was nearly blind, due to minor brain damage, because he'd hit her when she said she was pregnant. She never pressed charges, so he'd never been inside for it. I never told her exactly what happened, and to this day she doesn't know about that child.



I went to the police, but they said it was just my word against his. there was no proof. So it never went to court, and he walked away from the police station, his reputation intact. he's married now. has a new wife, she has 2 little girls of her own. I remember her sending me an email, asking me why i'd done it. why i'd lied. the words i spoke to her are still there in my mind.

'i didn't lie, aileen, i didin't. and you don't have to believe me, that's your choice. Just please, for their sake, make sure you watch him with those little girls. If you can't do it because of what i said, just imagine one or both of your little ones going through even half of what i did. Keep them away from him. Keep them safe. A life like mine isn't worth living, let alone lying about.'



I never heard from her again. And i still worry about those two little girls.



ANyway, i was raped again a few years later, by a guy i'd thought was my friend, but that time i never went to the police. there was no point. they hadn't believed me last time. I never told anyone, except my now husband. I fell pregnant after we'd been together 6 months, and engaged for 4. my pregnancy was horrific. i had severe hypremesis, and spd, and then went into prem labour at 33 wks. I got married on 1st August 09, and my stepdad walked me down the isle. He gave me away, and i'd never been happer. Then 10 minutes after cutting the cake at my wedding reception, i was up at the hospital, giving birth to my beautiful baby boy., who came on 2nd August, at 5:05am, weighing in at 5lbs and 3oz. he was three weeks early, and very underweight. he then got very jaundiced, and had to stay in hospital for 7 days, having radio therapy. i nearly lost him. but he fought back, and he came home, a very happy healthy baby boy. when he was just 2 months old, i fell pregnant again, and miscarried. It wasn't planned. But i was devastated. it brought back all the memories i'd tried for years to bury. My husband was desperate for another child, but i went back on the pill for 3 months, and then when i came off it again, i fell pregannt again. I miscarried last week. I'm crushed. my baby boiy is 7 months old, and i treasure him every day, but i feel so guilty, and i have no idea why. I've asked the doctor to help me find some kind of councilling for all this, but i'm scared. like if talking about it is gna bring it all back up. That's why i wrote it here first, to see how painful it'll be.

And seeing as i'm sat here sobbing, i don't know if i can do it. Its been nearly 11 years, from the time that i was nine years old, i'm now nearly 20, and he's still ruining my life. and its not fair. All i ever did was be born, and i don't no what to do!

I don't know what i'm asking for exactly, i think i just needed to get it out. I'm very sorry if this has upset you, take comfort it the fact that you can go to sleep tonight and forget all about it. I live with it each and every day.

Kerri xXx

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Rebecca - posted on 04/04/2011

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Kerri... I am so so sorry. I can't so I won't even pretent to understand what you went through. I hope you feel a bit better being able to vent. There is nothing that is ever going to erase what happened to you. I know this may sound corny but councilling may do you wonders. They can help you learn to deal with it. I had a friend who went through a similar situation from the ages of 6-12. She spent many years grieving for her lost youth and innocence and it was playing a large part in her life as an adult. She eventually sought councilling and now is managing to live a peaceful life and has managed to let go of all the anger, resentment and hurt. She figures he's not worth the pain. She was able to get to that point through having councilling. I wish you the best of luck and I can only hope that one day it will be easier for you. By the way hun, I'm not going to sleep tonight and forgetting about it. xoxo

178 Comments

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Tina - posted on 04/05/2011

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You're a very brave woman. It can be so hard to talk about this sort of thing and you feel alone and like no one can understand. And it's hard when people doubt you. But you know what happened and every dog has his day and his is coming. But it's terrible knowing people like him are still out there where they can ruin other people's lives. I myself have been a victim and for me I'm more worried about it happening to someone else. It's so hard for children because no one listens or believes them. The least they can do is investigate further chances are the offender will slip up maybe not now but somewhere down the track. Unfortunately I've seen the otherside of this too where someone has made a false accusation and dragged someones name through the mug. And we've later found out they just did it out of spite because they couldn't get what they wanted. It angers me so much because it makes it hard for everyone else. Although talking about it may brind it all back it may not feel like it's helped It may help lift some weight off your shoulders. There is always a chance if you get the confidence that you try to get him charged and have a councellor and your mother back you and others may just come out if he's done this sort of thing to anyone else. But that's your decision. But atleast you've got it off your chest. Someone it's nice just to have someone listen and get it out instead of bottling it up. I had a close uncle and he ended up getting charged for possesing pornographic images of children although he thought he's deleted and couldn't get caught he didn't realise it's not completely removed and it can still be traced in the process of getting charged for that it came out that he had abused his daughter as a child and another girl. Although it took along time they finally had some justice. I'd stick to your guns in charging him although it's hard in the long run you may get some closure and you be able to sleep better knowing atleast you've tried to stop him from doing it to anyone else and and regardless of what your dad's wife thinks this isn't about her. By having a caring husband and a little boy who you care for you haven't let it stop you living your life and there is one big step in the healing progress. Goodluck for the future. You're a very brave and strong person.

Katrina - posted on 04/04/2011

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You inspire me! My mother has been through the same thing, & she is the greatest mother in the world. & im sure you are too. Never look down on your self & keep your head up. The things you have been through are horrible but they will make you stronger. ♥

Alyson - posted on 04/03/2011

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It takes alot to share this with anyone, things like this should never happen to anyone and i am truely sorry you had to go through this at all and by yourself. i am also sorry for your loss. i must say though going to counsoling will help you alot, it may be hard at first but it does help. you are a strong woman hang in there.

Chloe - posted on 04/03/2011

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Wow your story is traumatic! Some people are sick! I hope that one day you can get through this! You have a wonderful baby boy he makes life so much more worth it! It's beens a while since you posted this I really hope everything is going well and you have gotten help!

Ashley - posted on 04/01/2011

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i know exsactly what your going though the same thing happend to me well kinda. it started when i was 4 and ended when i was 7. So no i didnt get pregnant. Only i wa told that if i told my mom i would get in trouble and he would kill my mother. I still think about it everyday especially because i have a baby girl.

Lissy - posted on 03/31/2011

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Kerri keep moving forward. go to the doctor. go to councillers. talk to people you will be surprised at how many have suffered in different ways. share your story and get stronger. It has been 30 yrs since I was molested and at first I couldn't talk to anyone and I thought about it every day but it gets better. The more you share the less power it has over you. You can change from being a victim to being a survivor!!!! Don't be ashamed (as I was) allow this to make you a better and stronger person. right now you need help but soon you could be helping someone. You can get through this

Jade - posted on 07/09/2010

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i read ur story and i deeply feel for u wen no 1 will listing u feel like ur on ur own dont worry cuz things will always work out in the end i hav 3kids my last 1 i had he was 3 weeks early and weighed 5pound 2 and was very jaundice but he got throu it he is now 1month and 5days but he has trouble eating so hes on medicicine i just hope he gets better i wish u all the best in life and that u treasure what u got now than what u lost i had 2 misscarages it was awful for me but i got throu it still to this day i wish i new what they would of looked like and if it was a boy or girl ! well i hope i helped in some way i wish u and ur family all the best in life thnk u for reading jade x

Cheyenne - posted on 07/09/2010

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im so sorry to hear that. its horrible i know. my uncle raped my sister at just 3 years old and molestead me in my sleep when i was 5. we havent seen him since 97' and now we find out that he has a wife and 2 kids. his wife now nows( after 10 years of beinf together) what he did to me and my sister. she doesnt bielve us either. and i told her u dont have to belive me but its what happend.

i also lost my virginty to my boyfriend who was 18 a month before i turned 16(my bday is in may). i was forced to have sex and it hurt so much. i regret ever being with him. then i was raped again when i was 16(in nov) by my 20 yesar old boyfriend. actaully he wasnt even my boyfriend yet, we just met a week before. but we dated for a few months until my dad got a restraining order agianst him. i always found guys who took advantage of me. and thats because i also had a hard life. my mom trying to kill herself 3 times, my brother abusing me, being raped. i know its hard. and i like to find people who have had a hard life like i have. and i understand that what u went through is far worse than me but i still know what it feels like. i have also had 2 miscarraiges before having my son. i never got the chance to grieve either.

ALYSSA - posted on 06/02/2010

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Its good to talk about it. I took my molester to court and he got off because i messed up the year 5 years later, but everybody knows what he did and it is out there in case another girl shows up saying the same thing. I now am okay with it cause you just have to move forward. I am glad to hear you finally found someone. I did too and I have my daughter who is almost 8 months. I have miscarried two boys before her and it was very hard because I delivered the first and he was so so tiny. Let your body heal it has been through a lot and then try again. People always tell me things happen for a reason. So I tell my self the bad things that have happened made me a better and stronger person that I am today. Good luck on your journey for the rest of your years I hope that everything turns out for the good and you get another precious child.

Carolann - posted on 05/27/2010

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kerri,



i am very sorry that this has happened to you but you honestly are trying to hard to get sympothy with the last sentence. It shouldnt be about how others feel from your experience it should be how you get over it. you need to put your best foot forth and forget everything, i know it must be hard but you have to learn to live another day and stop the guilt trip. only you can make it better and it wont get better by sobbing over it. like the saying goes why cry over spilled milk, well it happened so many years ago, just pretend it never happened.

Lizzie - posted on 05/27/2010

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You are a brave and very stong person! What you went through was wrong in so many ways!!! Try to look at what a wonderfull person you are today!

Ava - posted on 05/27/2010

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Chin up, hon. I've never been abused like that, so I can't put myself in your shoes, but I do have an 11 month old daughter and I can only imagine the unfathomable torture I would put someone through if they ever touched her. Even with that thought, and minding that I am not going to shower you in pity of any sort, you really just have to look forward. When something like that happens, a barrier goes up around you that prevents you from moving forward in life. You always trail behind in the past. My fiance was harassed and molested (his step mother giving him a blowjob while his dad was in the other room, and him too scared to say anything for over five years afterward) and he is permanently damaged from it. It is something he carries anger with him about every single day that he wakes up. Sometimes, even still, he feels like hanging himself so that the thoughts of it will stop. I know the damage that something so horrific can cause somebody even on a more minor level than what you experienced, so counseling is your best choice. But keep in mind that a counselor will not work magic. It's all about you. You have to realize that horrible as what happened is, it went into making you who you are and what you believe to this day. Instead of dwelling on the pain, use it as a stepping stone and motivator in your life. Become an activist for women's rights in cases of rape, speak out against it and use it for momentum in your life. Don't just step forward, fly forward. Push yourself into everything you have going on around you, immerse yourself, and realize that every part of your life---even the terrible and dark parts---have put you where you are today, and that the future is always up for grabs. If you're in a bad situation, you can change it. If you're in a good situation, drive yourself to be in a better situation. It takes courage---it does. You have to--not abandon your fears or nightmares--but face them head on or you will never overcome them. I would tell my daughter the same thing if her father ever touched her like that and she was plagued with such a horrific memory---you have to move on. If you fear its recurrence, then learn a martial art and register a gun. Protect yourself, but don't dwell on the past---live your life today and tomorrow.

Laura - posted on 05/26/2010

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I have eben prego 12 times I only have 4 children all the rest were lost to miscariage due to not having enough progestorone. Just give your body recovery time nad u'll get prego when the time is right

Krystle - posted on 05/16/2010

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It'll hurt a lot to talk about but as you can see from your past experiences, keeping it in does NO good. You need to see this therapist and get it out. Chances are, if he is still ruining your life then you need to be on depression medication. I'm no doctor but I really think that, that would be at least a start. Things like that really sadden me to hear and I wish I could somehow come up with a way to make sure no little girl or boy would have to go through any kind of abuse ever again...I'm so sorry hun. But I really think talking to someone is the way to go. We are all here for you to talk to whenever you need to talk about anything, no one should have to suffer alone, (I make a wonderful verbal punching bag ;) ). I'm sure your husband is a wonderful man, but if he really loves you as much as I'm sure he does, then he'll understand if you need to take a break from trying to have another child. I think that 2 miscarriages in a few months is more than heartbreaking and if it were to happen again that would just add to the pain you hold inside. I say, take a looong deeep breath and do this for yourself and for your future, know that there's the possiblity of helping yourself more than you ever thought possible. This could be the greatest decision you ever made, and if talking to a counselor doesn't work then you've lost nothing that you haven't already. Good luck sweetie, I wish you all the best and know that we are all here for you .

Rebecca - posted on 05/13/2010

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from reading your storie to all the ladies who have replyed i can with out a doubt tell you your not alone and councelling and the support of you friends, loved ones and even the ladies here will more then likely help with healing
i my self have been through rape personaly i am not comfortble sharing my storie i willhow ever tell youthis it gets easyer with time to deal with if your honest with ppl i knowi ts hard ad teriffing but it helps and i hope for all the best for you and your family much love from canada and me
and hope you one day find all the happyness , love, support for your self as you can its not a easy road and sadly it happens more then anyone wants to addmite to in this world all we really can do is share our stoires to let women know there not alone when something like this happens

Briana - posted on 05/13/2010

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You obviously have the greatest spirit I have ever come across..you have me sitting here wiping away tears as I write to you..I am truly happy for you and believe that you have overcame alot of what happened to you. Sometimes when things like this happen to people they find it absolutely impossible to find and stay in a healthy relationship and to me you've came to that obstacle and overcame it you werent afraid to let your heart go to another when someone who was suppose to love and protect you hurt you and you also had the strength to have a wonderful baby to show for it, i dont think many women who have been abused like you would have the courage to have a child. Another thing too is when you wrote that your husband was desperate to have another child your not mentioning yourself there and im not saying that you wouldnt love to have another child but again your son isnt even one yet and right now you should enjoy the one you have. Maybe the stress of your body after having a few miscarriages and going on and off birth control could be a factor as to why you arent able to be pregnant right now..rest, relax and look into some counseling maybe even having your mother there with you can be supportive because she went through the same thing. Thank you for sharing and I also think your wrong because I dont think I will ever go on and forget about you and what happened to you..you have earned a special place in everyone who reads this heart. :)

Ashleigh - posted on 05/12/2010

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I know that it'll be hard, but you really should try counceling. In my experience, I know more women who were sexually abused than not, including myself. Although, I didn't have such a tramatic experience as you did. It may help to still talk about it. I never went to counseling, but I confided in my friends years after my experience and the more I talked about it, the less it seemed to hurt.

Ti'Sheeka - posted on 05/11/2010

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Wow is all i can...im sitting here teary eyed...i cant imagine the pain...god bless you sweetie

Claire - posted on 05/11/2010

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Surround yourself with people that love you and want what's best for you.. which it sounds like you're doing. I'm so glad you have a supportive husband and beautiful 7 month old. I suggest counseling. I go often and it really helps to get things off my chest. Yes, sometimes it's painful and it brings things up again, but only so that we can learn and move on from there. I think it will do you good to get it out of your system so you can live a much happier life and become a stronger woman from it. Much love to ya, sister. Hang in there.

Valerie - posted on 05/11/2010

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oh Kerri im sorry that you had to go thru this. But please dont give up on yourself or blame yourself. you were a child and that "thing" that ws supposed to be your father took advantage of you. i think you really need to get councilled for what you are feeling and going thru. And instead of thinking about all the bad that has happened please think about the good things that have happened in your life. you have a wonderful husband and handsome baby boy. i wish you the best of luck. and keep your head up. God bless you!

Jordyn - posted on 05/11/2010

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)= No one should ever have to live a life like you have especially so young! You are an amazing person for staying so strong for so long thank god for your beautiful son and husband your deserve the best. I’m not sure if talking to someone will or will not help but im glad you shared your story with all of us. It will make me hold my daughter even tighter every night and always think twice when raising her. Thank you and god bless you and your beautiful family!!!!!!

Samantha - posted on 05/11/2010

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nothing in life is ever fair. i was abused by my biological father as well and had many other things similar but no ones life is the same. you should deel so proud of yourself that you held together and made it to where you are now with a husband who loves you for you and beautiful child to bless your life. congradulations im so proud and dont even know you! lol

[deleted account]

You should be bloody proud of yourself!! You have come through such hardship and you are a braver, stronger person than I could ever be. . . I am so glad you have a wonderful husband and Son. I had a daughter at 16 and went through very bad post natal depression, I went councilling and it did help me see the light at the end of the tunnel ( although its nowhere as bad as what you've been through), you should try it just incase it helps you. I have also recently had a miscarriage and that absolutely devastated me. But you are an inspiration to all women. and just remember if nothing else you are a brilliant person, wife and mother and you deserve the very best in life. Very best wishes Jade x x x

Roselyn - posted on 04/11/2010

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Kerri, what I want to say is you're one hell of a woman. To go through all of this, and still stand here today with a son and a wonderful husband. Bravo my dear, B-R-A-V-O. You are a beautiful, unique, and priceless individual. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE. As for the police, if you're up for it, you need to file a lawsuit against them for "negligent duty". ANYTIME a woman comes into the department and states that they have been raped, or sexually assaulted, it is NOT to be taken lightly. For them to have brushed you off like that, was a HUGE mistake. Justice will be served, whether it be here on earth, or come judgment day. I don't know if you believe in God or if you're religious at all, but I hope you know how much God loves you. He never puts you through ANYTHING YOU CAN'T HANDLE. The fact that you went through this means he knew you were a strong enough person to persevere on and become the woman you are today. My sister was sexually abused starting from when she was 14 years old. She is now 21 and the jerk is behind bars. She still thinks about what happened, and didn't say anything until she was almost 18, but as soon as she said something detectives were there investigating. Come to find out, more than 10 other girls were abused as well. So by speaking out, or trying your best to, not only were you bringing justice for what he had done, but protecting his future victims. I know how it feels to have no one to talk to, so you feel like you just have to put it in words to get it off your chest. I was raped and I don't know who he was, but I think about it everyday. Don't you let your past dictate your future. I am now a Biology major with a full ride basketball scholarship at a University. I have one son and a loving husband. I see that you have began your journey to a new life, I hope by reading this that you continue on your path and are able to someday move past these speedbumps on your way to happiness. I love you even though I don't know you, and someday I hope to meet you to tell you in person, you are a beautiful, unique individual, and don't you ever let someone tell you otherwise

Lienkie - posted on 04/11/2010

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Dear Kerri. You are so brave.I'm so sorry for what he did to you.

The only way for you to work through this is Jesus Christ. He is your heavenly Father and He wants whats best for you. Remember He LOVES YOU! (More than you realise.) I pray for you. Nothing is impossible for Him. Love L

Clarice - posted on 04/08/2010

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OMG my heart goes out to you... You are a very strong woman very strong...I am so glad you have a beautiful son out and what sounds like an amazing husband... My thoughts and prayers go out to you keep staying strong you are an amazing person♥

[deleted account]

hi my name is angela. like u i was sexually abused as a child. from the day i was brought home till i was two years old i and my siblings were used as child prostitutes. luck i got out of it at an early age but i still have serious issues from it. feelings of abandonment and guilt. i remember everything. it was never hid from me. my siblings were seperated from me. i was lucky enough to get a home with a good family. but at the age of 14 i had to go to the ob for the first time. the dr asked my mom to walk out of the room and asked me if i was being molested. i told her what had happened. she told me that she was very shocked at how messed up i was and that i probably wouldnt have kids. at 17 i became engeged for the first time i becanme pregnant but lost it at a couple of weeks. he obviouslly didnt want it and threatened my life. i left him for a while but ended up losing the baby and returning to him. a year later i was with my husband im with now. two weeks after we were married i found out i was carrying again. i will be 19 april 13th. i had my baby girl march 18. 2 months early. i had complications the whole pregnancy. but at 31 weeks i ended up with eclampsia very bad i almost died but worse she almost died. i felt so guilty. but my husband reminded me God would never let me have anything happen i cant handle. she is in the nicu now in huntsville. we dont know how long that we will be here. but tlking about it and confronting the person that hurt me helped more than anything. my husband and i are wonderful and i have overcame alot in my life. i think u will too. let me know if u ever need to talk

Kelsea - posted on 04/06/2010

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I'm sorry to hear of anyone, including you, who has gone through such a traumatic event... Pertaining to your fear of counseling I wanted to share with you how it has helped me. I was raped at 17 years old. I didn't tell anyone untill I ended up in the hospital a year later with severe post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I still have a hard time talking about what happened and can't remember parts of it. But I do see a counselor every 2 weeks, or more or less often as needed. If you find someone who is expeirienced with the type of events you've been through it will be much easier. Someone who understands, even if they haven't been there, that it takes time. And everyone takes a different amount. I've transfered through three couselors, and have finally found one who doesn't push. She knows it's harder for me to talk and easier and still helpful just to listen. So on the days when I just can't get the words out, just crying can be help enough. And I cry for the whole hour. While she reminds me what I need to know the most, It wasn't my fault and there is hope for my future. I hope that if you do persue counseling that you take the time you need to find someone you are comfortable with. And someone who gives you the time to heal, in your way.



I wish the best to you.

Michelle - posted on 04/06/2010

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you should talk to your husband about this and wait just little while for another child your body has changed giving birth let it rest for awhile then try again :) in the mean time develop a friendship with your charming baby boy :)

Katlyn - posted on 04/05/2010

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Like you I have buried alot of things that have happened to me. My mom got remarried when i was nine. This guy was really nice to all us kids. shortly after when my mom was at work and he was home alone with us he would blind fold me and take me to the bathroom and tickle me. I didnt know what he was trying to do until on day he did it and undid my jeans. I got scared and my siblings were outside the bathroom door trying to help me. they all thought it was a game. later when i got older he stopped because i think he thought i knew too much which i was begining to. I stayed at his brothers house to babysit his son and i would stay over night because he worked nights and his wife didnt come home till morning then she would sleep most of the morning. I was in high school. So i knew what some thing were but i was a virgin. I had never anything done to me beside my stepdad doing what he did. Anyways his brother would do stuff to me while i sleep. so i really couldnt fight back because I wasnt fully awhare of what was going on. Then my mom and my stepdad got a divorce. I stayed with him to finish the school year out. this is how i put puzzle pieces together. He started tucking me in when i went to bed. It was really werid. The thought still haunt me at night. But now i have my loving fiancee and son. So i feel your pain, even though you went through more then me. But all we need to try and think about is that it might have been worse but we have our families. and what we went thru maybe we can try to protect our children from what we have went thru in the past.

Amanda - posted on 04/05/2010

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I'm sending u a giant hug!!!... I'm so sorry, thats all i can think to say.

Jessica - posted on 04/05/2010

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No its didnt upset me. It upsets me that other people have gone through similar situations that i have gone through. its not right its horrible and we suffer through it everyday. It doesnt ever go away our past isalways there and we are always suffering from it. I am so sorry that this had happened to you. I know that doesnt mean much and you've probably heard it before. But i am so so so so so so sorry that this happened to you!!! And getting that all out takes courage. Trust me i know. I didnt go exactly what you went through but it was kinda similar in ways. Hearing my story probably wont help you in anyway, but if you want to know i will share with you. I dont have courage to post it up like you have. I am too scared of the story being out. Only a few people know. By few i mean 1. And they dont even know the whole thing. I tried speaking out about it before but nobody believed me. They sided with the him the abuser. My "family" too. I have nothing. I have been out on my own since i was 16 and i ended up pregnant by another abusive man. My son is 5 months old now. He is the best thing that has ever and ever will happen to me. Me now 18 with nothing but my and my child, life is rough. But he gives me reason to make better for myself which i never would have before. i am going back to finish high school and i am gonna try my best to ever come this.

Krista - posted on 04/05/2010

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all i have to say is i cried.. i have never been raped.. but i was molested from 9-12. i never told anyone till i was 15. i am so sorry. *hugs*

Cathy - posted on 04/05/2010

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Kerri. You should never be afraid to speak up. You will always have that right. If something this serious happens, not telling is worse then telling. But it's been too long. I just hope your husband is very supporting and there for you. You definitely deserve it. You wont ever be able to erase the memories, but you can live off them. Use the anger to make sure your son grows up in the best way. & if you have another child and happens to be a girl, treat her as a princess. Spoil her. Give her everything you didn't. I hope you can live on without stress.

[deleted account]

i am SOOO sorry to read this! you have suffered quite alot and you are a very strong women for getting through the other side! counselling will help you to get it all off your chest, it will help you to clear the air and get out all your feelings about it. the counsellor is someone you wont know, who wont judge and will help you through this tough time. just remember, you werent asked to be born, your mother brought you into this world because she knew she would love you with all of her heart! i have a 7 month old baby boy too and they are at the age they need all your love and attention; enjoy him while his this little and wait until you are ready to have another baby. miscarrying so often would be so hard on you. my heart is with you darling. thinking of you. xx

Amanda - posted on 04/05/2010

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KERRI,

JUST KNOW THAT WHAT YOU GO THROUGH DEF MAKES YOU STRONGER...I HAVE ALSO GONE THROUGH ALOT AND ONLY BEING 23. I LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER EACH AND EVERY DAY AND THANK GOD FOR HER. IT IS SO MUCH BETTER TO GET THINGS OUT RATHER THAN KEEP THEM IN. GOOD FOR YOU FOR WRITING THIS...JUST REMEBER THAT HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID AND HOPEFULLY INSIDE HE IS SUFFERING! TAKE CARE :)

Shaudenik - posted on 04/03/2010

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Wow!!!! thats really messed up! Im sry to hear that. I too was abused by my stepdad but not any were near as bad as u! Once i told my mother her and i went up to the police station, the end result was there wasnt enough evidence to charge him wit sexual abuse but he did get charged with abuse cause he was also beatin me! Gettin a doctor to find me someone to talk to helped me so it might help you!!

Amber - posted on 04/03/2010

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omg i am so sorry about what happened to you if it was me i would have gone back when i was older and killed your father i HATE people that do that!!! how can anyone do that to there OWN child let alone any child. again i am so so sorry i really wish i could help more!!

Britney - posted on 04/02/2010

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im sorry for what happened to you. i was raped at 13 by a guy i thought i would end up being with for the rest of my life. i was in complete denial of the whole thing. a few months later i had a complete mental break down and ended up in a mental institute. i told them about that and that my cousin had molested me when i was younger and i didnt have a positive outcome from mine because i think my doctor hated his job and took it out on us. after that i kept it to my self. when me and my now hubby first moved in together he had no clue about anything and i was able to control my "flash backs" about it but after a while he caught one i completely flipped out on him because he walked up behind me when i was cooking and wrapped his arms around me. i started screaming and crying and crawled into a corner and just sat there. i finally told him and he tried his best to make life easier for me to hide it. now i think about my daughter and my wonderful husband and all the positive things in my life everyday and teverytime i start to feel down in the dumps. and it helps me so much. i think wether you go to a councelor or find ways of self copping has to be a personal decision. as far as haveing another baby good luck and may god bless you and your family.

Britney - posted on 04/02/2010

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im sorry for what happened to you. i was raped at 13 by a guy i thought i would end up being with for the rest of my life. i was in complete denial of the whole thing. a few months later i had a complete mental break down and ended up in a mental institute. i told them about that and that my cousin had molested me when i was younger and i didnt have a positive outcome from mine because i think my doctor hated his job and took it out on us. after that i kept it to my self. when me and my now hubby first moved in together he had no clue about anything and i was able to control my "flash backs" about it but after a while he caught one i completely flipped out on him because he walked up behind me when i was cooking and wrapped his arms around me. i started screaming and crying and crawled into a corner and just sat there. i finally told him and he tried his best to make life easier for me to hide it. now i think about my daughter and my wonderful husband and all the positive things in my life everyday and teverytime i start to feel down in the dumps. and it helps me so much. i think wether you go to a councelor or find ways of self copping has to be a personal decision. as far as haveing another baby good luck and may god bless you and your family.

Cheyene - posted on 04/02/2010

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hunny what u need to do if you dont already is get great with god and u will sum how forgive him for what he did to u because it not hurting him its only hurting u u need to forgive him for what he has done so that u can move on my sister was 5 yrs old and our uncil raped her once and malested her many times n she finally had to forgive him not to long ago because it was only hurtting her so just forgive him

Chloie - posted on 04/02/2010

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You know it is terrible to hear about awefl things that happen to people and all you can do really is to make sure you look after yor son to the best of your ability. I have 2 boys and after things that have happened to me in my life i never want to let them out of my sight. I know this is something that will be with you forever. THere are times i just cry for n reason because i stat tinking. The best thing is to keep busy and try to just move on with your life i guess. Not cover up what happened but just try to move on. Now that gorgeous little boy and your husband are your life and you can leave that all behind. I had a thing with my cousin and he also assulted my little sister n i pryed that he would not have children of his own. I know its terrible but in dec. he had a car accident, he is fine but has brain damage so i dont think he will be having any children.I feel bad because no one should ave to go through that but i feel good at the same time knowing he cant hurt anyone anymore because h cant comprhend it i hope. ANyways all the best to you and congrats on ur little baby. I have 2 kids n im 22 trust me its alot more work with a second one even though i want a third lol but i can see ur urgency all the best xx

Katie - posted on 04/02/2010

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im so sorry you had to go through all that. i know a little about how hard that is...i was older and never became pregnant because of it but i know it hurts. it makes you mad tot he point you dont know how to handle it. you should try the counseling. yes it will bring everything back and possibly somet hings you never knew. but all in all it may help. just to have someone to talk to about it and have someone try to understand. just to get it out. i wish you the best of luck!!!

Rhonda - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hey Kerri! I just want to start off by saying you are a very strong person. God Bless you for sharing your story with everybody. This kind of thing is happening everyday but to many people are to scared to do or say anything about it but hopefully because of your story people with be more open to share their own stories. God luck with anything you do in life and have a wonderful life with your husband and son.

Rhonda - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hey Kerri! I just want to start off by saying you are a very strong person. God Bless you for sharing your story with everybody. This kind of thing is happening everyday but to many people are to scared to do or say anything about it but hopefully because of your story people with be more open to share their own stories. God luck with anything you do in life and have a wonderful life with your husband and son.

Christina - posted on 04/02/2010

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omg i feel so sorry for you. for everything you had to go through i am truly sorry.. im so happy that you have an amazing little boy and a fantastic husband .

Teresa - posted on 04/02/2010

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Kerri,

Thank you for your courage to share. Confession is the first step to healing. Know that there is someone that will be praying for you. I pray that God will give you the courage to continue to be transparent when you share your story and that He will confort you that you may comfort others.

Be blessed and know that the joy of the Lord is your strength. Although I was not molested by a family member, I know the scars and pain from being molested by someone you trust. May God bless and keep you and your little sisters.

TJ

Liz - posted on 04/01/2010

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Oh my Dear!! I do understand, for I got molested by my brother-in-laws!! I was much older before I said anything to anyone. I got help and it did make it better for me!! Im sure if u get the right kind of help u will heal from it!! Remember it was NEVER ur fault!! Ty for sharing I do hope u get help so u can heal!! He can never hurt u again!!! I am always willing to lend an ear if u need to talk. Good luck Hun!! Congrats on ur baby u do have!!



Liz

JaNae - posted on 04/01/2010

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Kerri, you are so brave. I see that you are already a blessed woman. I hope that God gives you everything you want and that you deserve. Good luck in life and remember to always put God first. Vengence is God's. May you and your family be blessed.

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