Am I a bad mom?

Shaila - posted on 06/17/2012 ( 53 moms have responded )

5

0

0

I am desperately in need of an opinion from a third party that doesn't know me. Am I a bad mother? I have a three year old son, he is a handful. His father is very busy working close to 80+ hours a week for Organizing for America, I work Friday's for 6hrs, I go to school full time at a local college, and I volunteer 2-3 days a week for Organizing for America. For babysitting I have my husband's mother and my grandmother babysit and then I have a babysitter during the week for when they can not babysit. I have recently added a new babysitter for weekends because the family that babysits are not always reliable. My mom a few days ago found this out and she asked me, "Don't you think you have enough babysitters? No wonder he acts the way he does it's because you never have him you just toss him from place to place." This made me very angry. Does she not think I wouldn't love to be able to stay at home every day with him? I don't consider family babysitters, so I only have 2 babysitters. She makes comments about his behavior, how I dress him, how much time I spend with him, where we take him, how clean my house is and the list goes on. Yes, he does act a little crazy sometimes but his father's family say that he acts exactly like his father did as a child. We don't have a lot of money but I dress my son is nice clothing, it might not always be name brand but they are nice. My mom makes me feel guilty that I don't go to Children's Place and buy hundreds of dollars in clothing and that I don't buy $60 shoes for him. The apartment that we live in only has a shower(no bath tub) she also makes me feel like I'm neglecting him because he is 3 and has to take a shower instead of playing in a bath tub. I do all the house work by myself. My house does get messy, dishes needing done, laundry piles up, toys everywhere. But my house is never filthy. I wash the laundry but sometimes is sits clean in baskets for a day or two before I fold it and put it away. My dishes get washed everyday but sometimes I don't have time to wash all of them or put them away. The 2 days a week that I normally don't have anything to do I clean all day and feel horrible that I don't get to play more with my son more. I think he is a very smart boy, but she continuously says things to me about working with him more because he doesn't know his ABC's and he can only count to 5, but he knows all of his shapes(even the odd one's like hexagon) and all of his colors. She makes me feel horrible to the point where I have thought about suicide just so he doesn't have to have such a shitty mother and a shitty life. I love my son with all my heart and I would do anything for him. But it's almost like my mom would rather me quit my job and quit college and get back on welfare so I can be at home with him allllll the time. My son seems violent sometimes, he always wants to fight and talks constantly about monsters, swords, and beating up monsters etc. My mom says stuff like she thinks we beat him or me and his father fight all the time or something, but we rarely argue or fight. My son likes to watch Scooby-Doo, Adventure Time, Batman, and anything that deals with "fighting evil". Should I not allow him to watch these shows. She also thinks its horrible that we bought him action figures that have swords, guns, knives, crossbows, etc. to play with but isn't that what boys play with? Please help me someone I really need someone's advice. Please because I feel that I cry too much and that I resent and hate myself because I'm a bad mom. I think that I keep my son fed, I keep him clean and safe, I play with him when I can, and I do the best I can but I question if it's enough? AM I A BAD MOM? What can I do?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

I also have a 3 year-old son, and he is also a handful. He is also very bright and I don't know if he can recite poems or regurgitate letters at this point because that is totally insignificant. Your son and my son (both of whom have a fondness for the same stuff) are totally and absolutely normal. My suggestion is to (1) Drop the volunteering for a while. It's great you do that, but your child comes first - that's 2 extra days for him and YOU. (2) Engage him more. Instead of letting him watch TV, have him help you clean. Kids this age LOVE to clean, and cook as well! It will take a little longer, and won't be done as well, but it will be so much more fun. Let him clean the windows while acting like Scooby-Doo, vacuum the rugs in a Superman cape (a thin towel works well for this), etc. etc. He can cut mushrooms with a dull knife, mix batter in a bowl, etc etc. (3) The less TV he watches, the better his behavior will be. I've seen this with my own eyes, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Note that he should never watch TV when he's with a babysitter. You do not pay them to put your kid in front of a TV. (4) Tell your Mom to go to hell (in a nice way, that is). If she's not helping and empowering you, you shouldn't give her a second of your attention ("gotta go, Mom, I smell smoke" and hang up). Or, an alternative suggestion, just re-direct her. For example, "Mom, you say he should be wearing Children's Place clothes? Thanks MOM!!!! Hey son, grandma wants to take you out to the mall! Have a great time you guys!!!" (5) You are a FANTASTIC MOM!

Lauren - posted on 06/18/2012

131

6

5

Sorry if I repeat, but I'm posting w/out reading through all the comments. You are not a bad mom; you are a busy mom!

That being said, you will never get this time back with your son. While you can't stay home (I work full time too), and volunteering is important (I think it is great for your son to see you help others), spending time with your son should be a priority...one I often forget to place at the top of my list too. My mom is so supportive of me, but there are still moments I feel bad for things. But, ultimately, your son is the one affected. A priest once told me, "When you get frustrated, overwhelmed, worry about other people's attitudes, things that need to get done, etc., your 'well' of water inside you drains. And when that drains, your family, who pulls from it, is affected...not the person you're mad at, your family." This doesn't mean don't go work, or don't volunteer, or don't clean, but it does mean that life's too short to worry about the little things that fill our every day and make the time fly by.

That being said, I need to remind myself of this advice VERY VERY often. Every day, I have the mindset that something else needs to get done. But I can't get those minutes with my kids back...the laundry's not going to feel slided, and it'll still be there to finish tomorrow if I let it go once or twice. Sometimes I sit and just look at their hands or the lines that form when they smile...when I escape into something so simple, it lets me forget about the big things, the TV shows, the to-do list, etc. and for just a little while, focus on the moment and one aspect of what makes them so special. Keep being the great mom you are and treat yourself to valuable time with your son once in awhile...your mom should admire you for raising great children who know how to love!!!

Katherine - posted on 06/17/2012

65,420

232

5195

NO! You are not a bd mom. You are doing the best you can. Leave it to moms to make you feel like crap. My mom does the same thing, I think they all do!

Maybe TRY to spend more time with him. Have him help you clean. My daughter, also 3 loves to help. She helps me cook, clean, dust everything. Then maybe you guys can go do something together for an hour?

If your MOM wants to go to The Children's Place and buy him clothes let HER do it!!!!! That's just ridiculous. That's one thing my mom is good about, being frugal. We go to garage sales, second hand stores and I freecycle. I get a ton of brand name clothes this way! For cheap to free. And they are NICE clothes! Shoes too.

I would just ignore her, sounds like you're already stressed enough. That's really unfair of her to treat you that way as a mother.

Amie - posted on 07/12/2012

71

21

8

You poor thing. That is awful. It sounds like your mom needs to be put in her place which can be hard sometimes for us. I have a mother I have not seen or heard from in close to 6 years because of how she treated me. It took alot to push me over the edge to confront her at which point she told me I needed to grow up. I do wish sometimes I could talk to her but I do not miss her critisizing me. At the time I did not even have children yet so she has never met her grandaughter and only seen her grandson once I feel guilty about this but for my sanity I needed to cut her off.
I work full time as a teacher and don't always have time to get to the dishes at night. There are days the laundry stays in the dryer until I go to put a new load in and realize I have forgoten all about it for a couple of days. My bathroom goes for a while before it gets clean. These things do not make me a bad mom. My children know I love them and are always fed and clothed wether it is in walmart clothes or baby gap does not matter. My son is almost four and is always talking about guns and knifes. He talks about killing ghosts and bad guys and my husband and I do not argue much or fight either my sons doctor said it was just a boy thing not to worry I wasn't doing anything wrong.
I hope this gives you some peace of mind.

Mary - posted on 06/25/2012

4

2

0

A bad mom - no I do not believe you are. JMO, quickly my 2 cents, if you are wanting more time with your son maybe cut back on the volunteering? 2-3 days?!?! Don't worry about anyone's else's opinion - that's what they are OPINIONS - not facts.

53 Comments

View replies by

Michelle - posted on 08/11/2012

253

5

5

You are not a bad mum. You are trying hard to provide your son with a lovely home. Although maybe if you want to play with him more you could drop one of your days of volunteering. But you are a loving and caring mother Tell your mum to back off. You need to put a stop to her treating you like that it is not right and no offence but your mum need to be put (for lack of a better expression) in her place. There is nothing wrong with not dressing your son in expensive clothes they grow out of them faster than its worth the money. Having a messy house is normal. The only time my house is 'spotless' (as in floors are clean, not toys lieing around, washing done, pretty much everything cleaned but not an indepth clean) is when my daughter is at daycare and I am at home, otherwise there are always dishes on my sink (whether they are drip drying or need washing) my floors have toys on them, etc etc. It mean your house is a home, not just a display object. You love your son he isnt mistreated and you spend time with him when you can. That is what matters.

Maggie - posted on 08/11/2012

818

24

47

You are a NORMAL mom. We all wish there were more hours in the day or that we had less to do. The important thing is that you love him and he loves you! My kids get clothes from consignment, my house is nearly always a mess BUT at the end of the day they are normal, happy kids. You won't be going to school forever and you are doing it so things can be better. That is what a GOOD mom does.

User - posted on 08/06/2012

4

0

1

by the sound of it you are tryin your best!!!!!!!!!! i lived with my mother for the first 10 months of my sons life and if it was just myself and her in the flat then i could not do anything right and she said to me all the time "don't do it like that". on her days off she used to come in to my room and take my son out of his cot as soon as he would wake and leave me to sleep and when i woke i used to panic about where he was and when i said something to her she could not accept that she was doing anything wrong so i know how you must be feeing. my god father is a land lord and one of his properties became vacant so i moved in there with my then boyfriend (now husband) and she still used to come round every other day and tidy up, do jobs for me (ones that i would do when my son slept) and it used to anoy me so much!!! so many times i used to tell her that i was ok but she would not listen. it came to a point where we chose to move away (i understand that is not the answer for everyone) because she was interfering so much!!!! every 4 to 6 weeks she would say "lets go shoppin" she would spend anythin from £20 to £50 on clothes for alex and chose thinks i didn't like but cus she was payin i let her buy it. she wud then say couple weeks later "has he worn the clothes yet?" i used to lie and make her think he wore them on days wen she didnt see him in fact i'd taken them back and changed them for what i liked!!! i know that reading all of that prob don't help but i wanted to let you know you're not alone and you are doing what you think is best.. as long as your son is happy, knows he is loved, has food in his belly, clothes to wear, roof over his head and toys to play with then what else can you do. i wrote my mum a letter saying how i felt and how her actions made me feel. it helped and she is getting better!!!! keep smileing and stay strong!!!!!!!

Monica - posted on 08/02/2012

50

27

11

You are not a bad mom...BUT if you commited suicide you would be a horrible mom...please dont ever consider that again...Just looking into your sons beautiful face should be enough to wake up every morning. If you dont feel bad about how much time your son spends with family and babysitters, than you shouldnt worry about what anyone else thinks. But, if you are questioning yourself and how much time you are with him, than maybe you should consider volunteering 1-2 days a week instead of 2-3 days, that way you have one extra day with your son. Dont worry about your housekeeping...it is next to impossible to keep a perfectly clean home with a toddler in it unless you spend every second cleaning...it's better to have a clean, messy home and spend time with your son than to have a clean, neat house and bored child. Dishes in the sink, clean clothes in the hamper, and toys EVERYWHERE is exactly how my house looks right now, and what am i doing...typing on the computer with my 2 year old son in my lap and my 4 year old daughter is changing her outfit for the third time today, and the other two clean outfits she wore earlier will probably get thrown on her bedroom floor. Shaila, your son is young, he is not going to remember that he didnt take baths when he was 3. How much do you remember when you were 3, MAYBE somethings but definately not much. The kids will remember more things from when they were 5 years old and older. As long as you cuddle, hug, kiss, and tell your son how much you love him every chance you get, HE WILL BE FINE. Dont be so hard on yourself. I think our moms sometimes forget how it was to have young kids. My mom will sometimes tell me stuff about how my kids wont stay still or when they talk loud in a restaraunt...i remember clearly not behaving in restaraunts when i was a kid. Hope everything works out good.

Heather - posted on 08/02/2012

26

39

3

Well, first of all, it sounds like your mother just doesn't know when you need support and not a critique of how you live life. Second, and this is JUST my opinion, it sounds as if you spend a little too much time away from your son. Sometimes children act out negatively because that's the only way they can get attention from thier parents, and maybe that's what your son is really trying to convey to you--that he wants you around more. I myself have had to learn that the hard way...and my son will be 8. Maybe cut down to just a day and a half or two days of volunteering and reserve that third day to spend only with your son. You might see a vast improvement in his behavior. As far as clothes go...who cares where you go to buy your kids clothes as long as he is dressed? Your mother needs a reality check or else SHE needs to provide his wardrobe for 9 months or a year! Kids grow like weeds--an outfit from the Children's Place might only fit for three months and cost twice as much as a similar and JUST AS CUTE outfit from Walmart or KMart or even a garage sale! As far as your house cleaning goes...as long as it's not a complete dump and you feed your child, keep him bathed, and keep the house in a managable state, I would let all her comments fly above your head. And then...the toy situation: My son has never, and WILL NEVER, have any swords/knives/guns to play with fake or not...a part of an action figure or not. When we have gotten gifts like this for Christmas or his birthday, we have been gracious upon his opening it, but politely put it away in our cupboard and then donated it to Toys for Tots. As for you huge question are you a bad mom?!! My answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!! Hang in there...but I would seriously think on cutting back volunteer hours to spend more time at home with your son. After all, time flies and pretty soon he'll be starting grade school!!

Fehrin - posted on 07/31/2012

13

1

0

Before I read other replys, I would just like to say you are not a bad mom you are trying to do everything to provide for your son which is very hard and demanding. One thing I would say as my opinion is to stop the volunteering and give that time to your son, one day you can get back to helping others but right now the time you do have out of work and school should go to him(try and take time for you as well, even though it is hard) you will never get these years back with your son soon he will be in school and what not and you won't have that time.

Melissa - posted on 07/26/2012

6

0

0

No no no you are not a bad mom. You are busy. It is very expensive to live now a days. Its not like it was when our parents were raising families. My son is 2 and a half. All he wants to do is fight. Its a boy thing. My 2 month old daughter wears cloths that are hand me downs from lots of other people or were gifts. My son was the same way. Even now I go to second hand stores to buy his cloths. They are just going to get distorted when he is playing. That's how I know he is having a good time so why spend alot of money on that. My husband works alot too. When he works he's gone for days on end. The house looks a mess. Dishes get done when I need them. There are toys everywhere. once I get him from daycare all my time is spent playing with him or dealing with the baby. Maybe see if you can find a volunteer thing that your son could do with you.

Good luck and remember you are a great mom and there are lots of us that live the same way.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/26/2012

11

20

0

My mom has a poem on her wall that goes something like, "cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow, for babies grow up, we've learned, to our sorrow." the point of it being that time with your child needs to be your priority, over cleaning. My suggestion is to make sure you cut out small chunks of Quality time during the day, say 15-30 minutes every 4 hours, or something you can manage. I'm not saying to neglect your house or school work, just make sure your son gets quality positive attention. Kids need attention whether it's positive or negative. If he isn't getting positive, he will act out to get negative- he really just wants you. Try to include him in cleaning up. Make it a game if you can. You are NOT a bad mother. Taking yourself out of his life would devastate him. He LOVES you. There is no replacement for you. His grandma just cares about him, but she is not being respectful to you as his mother. Sometimes she may just need to feel like you valid her feelings. If she criticizes your care for him, the clothes you buy him, etc, just tell her that you are so grateful that she loves him so much, that you would love to do all the things that she suggests, but for now you are doing the best you can. Invite her to help pay for some of the things she thinks he needs. Mention that you would love to have a great relationship with her, but the criticism is wearing you down and that you would appreciate any positive she can offer. Try to keep things as positive as possible and eventually she will start to back off. Some people thrive on drama and when you don't feed into it, they back off. Hopefully this helps you! Keep your chin up and remember that you can fight this on your knees, asking God to soften her heart. I pray that you will have the strength to get through this difficult period in your life. Things will get better! Just don't give up! You can do it!

Jess - posted on 07/26/2012

39

28

4

oh my gosh! my son is the same age and wouldnt have a clue what a hexagon is, can only count to three, and couldnt make heads or tails of his ABC's! You have one smart boy and your mother has no right to be judging!
I would feel as heart broken as you if my mother said those things to me (which at one point she suggested that i dont spend time with him enough but i put her back in her place)
these people arent there with you 24/7 and have no right to say terrible things like that. Your son wont know the difference between a $10 pair of shoes or a $60 pair!
You are in no way a bad mother and your son will love you unconditionally and appreciate everything you do (someday) to keep your family afloat. You need to remind your mother that you arent her and things change with time. My mother was a SAHM with me, but im too restless for that, I get out and do things and work too. Time change and people do what they can.
Yes, perhaps a babysitter that can be consistent would be an advantage to him, but my son is a handful too and doesn't have ANY babysitters. Behavioral issues are different with each child.
I really do hope you put your mother in her place because it is very unhealthy for you to be having suicidal thoughts because of her cruel words!

As for toys.. our kids LOVE guns and swords (though my 3yo gets a bit full on with them at times).. boys will be boys! I always said that I would never let my son have violent toys but I rather give him what he likes and show him an appropriate way to play with them.

Good luck with the mum issue! xx

Kathy - posted on 07/24/2012

11

0

1

Donot let guilt overwhelm you..You are doing the best you can ..Good Luck and stay Strong..

Rebecca - posted on 07/24/2012

232

41

11

You shouldn't worry if you are a bad mom or not. It sounds to me that you are a very busy mama who is doing whatever she can to ensure a stable future for her son. For that, I truly respect you. You go to school, you work, you volunteer... All of that is setting such a great example for your child. To be honest, I think you should tell your mother to kick rocks. Boys will be boys, no matter what the age. My girl is almost two and she's already very interested in my make-up and her dresses and mommy's heels, you name it.

What it all comes down to is this: Do what YOU feel is best for your family. Take everything else with a grain of salt. Everybody parents differently and has different opinions of how children should act or how much the parent is away, etc. You are doing a great job, keep your head held high!

User - posted on 07/24/2012

96

0

23

you said you volunteer, do you need to or could you spend that time with your son? Lots of families have two working parents now a days. I'm very fortunate that i get to stay at home with my son who i home school. He is 3 and gets 24/7 attention and you know what, he loves guns and says 'ma lets shoot bad guys' he does running kicks and punches and every morning tells me 'ma me red power ranger'.

You are doing your best. That is all you can do, when times get hard look to future when your done school and get a good a job.

And as for spending lots of money on expensive clothes there is no point kids rip and stain their clothes all the time.

Kathy - posted on 07/23/2012

11

0

1

Hi Shaila;
No you are not a bad mom ,maybe your Mom should be asked less to watch him then she won't be able to make you feel so bad about yourself, she comes from a different generation ,you are doing the best you can and your son knows you Love him.Good Luck .
Kathy

Jenene - posted on 07/21/2012

4

12

1

Has your mom been living under a rock? Please tell her,I think she's silly! She had her chance in raising kids,its now time for her to move on in life,maby a nice old age home for people who grew up in the middle ages...sincerely Jenene

Donette - posted on 07/21/2012

9

0

1

Ask your mom if she would like to babysit more or help around the house. Since she is judging so much, maybe she wants to help more. Or calming suggest as a replyined to the judgements.."...well if you want to help me by cleaning the house..that would be great!" Saves an arguement. BTW----i have found Grandparents to be overprotective too.

Janessa - posted on 07/17/2012

289

10

0

No you're doing the best you can. You can't let anyone not even your mom's opinion matter to you. One thing I would suggest is see if there is anyway to simplify for your own sanity. Only do what is absolutely necessary. My husband and I have been struggling financially for a few years, but the one time I tried to earn a little money by tutoring at home it was too much for me and I couldn't give my children the time I wanted to give them, so I gave it up. But that is because the only thing I want to do is be a stay at home mom and dedicate everything to that. We're finally beginning to see the light financially, and I haven't regretted the struggle, but I know it isn't for everybody, but for example, maybe don't do all the cleaning on your days off, only do some of it, and then go somewhere fun with your son, then do the rest on your next day off, things don't have to be perfect at home. Boys will be boys. My boys are the same way, and we don't let them watch any violent shows if we can help it. When things get too hard for me, God is who pulls me through, because in the end he is the only one that truly understands me, and loves me for me.

Bobmusicgirl4 - posted on 07/16/2012

5

0

1

NO! Let me repeat NO NO! I would never even consider the thought. I would tell your mother to back off and let you make decisions for your own child to be honest. It would be one thing if she were doing all the babysitting and had a few words of advice but from what you've said it sounds to me she can't help but try to control the things you do. As an adult, I wouldn't have any of it....my mother would never tell me the clothes I bought for my son weren't good enough. I would feel insulted to tell you the truth. Being a mother is a tough job and it seems the people around you are making it harder on you and my best advice is to tell folks to back off! You are doing the best you can which is more than some can say.

Emily - posted on 07/16/2012

24

9

0

No, you're not a bad mother, just a very busy one! There is no way I could handle all that and I'm not surprised you're getting stressed out. Is there any chance you could do a little less with yourself, maybe just until he starts school? As to his behaviour, my son who has just turned three is exactly the same, I think it's just a boy thing. (I look after him all the time except 2 days of day care a week.). About TV: Experts recommend that kids this age watch only 1 hour of any screen per day, including computers, iPhones etc.

Just ignore your mum. No little boy cares much about his clothes at this age and most of my son's stuff comes from friends or from the op shop, cos he's too mucky for good stuff. As long as he's comfortable, who cares?! The time will come soon enough when he demands designer gear, but probably not until high school so make the most of it now.

Can't really advise about interfering mothers because mine is totally unlike that. We talk about twice a year, usually about how fantastic my sister is with her kids (full time nanny paid for by my mother). My mother-in-law is a bit like that but we don't see or hear from her much. Do you think you would be able to consolidateyour child care so fewer people are involved? Might help. (Must be nice to have so many available, though...). Best of luck and don't let the b******s grind you down!

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2012

52

0

2

tell your mum you will stop contact with her if she dosnt stop critisizing you as a mother! no ones perfect. its hard anough being a mum without getting put down about it , seems from what you wrote that things are pretty tough but its never easy running round after kids and holding down a job plus doing the housework , all you can do is do your best and tell her to but out your life. and my children watch batman scooby do and spiderman ect.... and have figures aswell so if that makes you a bad mum it makes us all 1 . chin up and hope she buts out your not a bad mum you sound like a good 1 :)

Niki - posted on 07/07/2012

25

12

0

Hon, you aren't a bad mom - tell the critics to shut up. I think having a counselor to help you sort through and organize your feelings and thoughts would be helpful - often times they can be utilized for free. All boys like to avenge evil, and many are on the wild side. Is he unhappy, is he maturing somewhat like his peers, is he angry, do you need to change some parenting? btw read parenting with love and logic - awesome life changing book. Maybe you do have too many sitters, that can change a kid for sure. Maybe the volunteering could stop or lessen for awhile so you could see if he changes his behavior. There is no right or wrong way, as long as his needs are being met. A counselor can sit with you and sort through it all and be your third party. You need some support, not more criticism. My kids wear thrift store clothes (brand name - thrift store alot of the time), they usually get cheap or used shoes, used pets, used toys...don't worry about the shower bs, he will live through his childhood without a tub. What he needs is you and dad, love and consistency. I work pt, homeschool and my house is never "clean", laundry is never done...blah blah. They will grow up, move out and the house will stay clean.

Laurie - posted on 07/07/2012

6

10

0

You are not a bad mom! Do not let your mom do that to you.

The only things I am going to say is 1) see if you can volunteer just 1 time a week and 2) cut out Adventure Time. I think that show is too old for him. When my daughter was 5 she was trying to kiss boys & was telling them they were her boyfriend. After a talk & watching the shows she was watching, I found out some of the shows were too old for her & that was where he ideas started,

Julie - posted on 07/03/2012

506

5

99

no your not a bad mum you just need to lighten your own load. our children grow so fast and by the sound of you rhectic schedule you are missing so much. if i were you (and it is an opinion not a critisism) i would stop the volunteer work and spend more time with my son. his behaviour could well be from being passed around so much kids need stability and os many people looking after him with so many different parenting skills and techniques can be confusing for him.

Meg - posted on 07/02/2012

11

0

3

As far as how your house is kept that is the least of your concerns...and when you have kids that happens especially if you are a single mom and have to do it all yourself - working, making time for your son, keeping your house, its alot for one person. First I think you should talk to a doctor or go to a counsellor if you can. You should not feel that depressed and if it is solely what your mother is saying to you, then I think it would be a good idea to cut ties with her, or perhaps give her a sponge and tell her to get scrubbing when she complains ithat your house is messy. lol. Little boys do like action, they like to sword fight and rough house a bit, but he should want to "fight, or "beat" anything up- does he play well with other children? Maybe hes just pent up because he doesnt have any playmates? You are doing the best you can, but maybe instead of baby sitters, you could place him in a day care where he can play with other kids and learn social ettiquette- how to socialize with other kids and maybe it would cut down on his agression levels? ( I dont mean he is bad with other kids, I just think it would be helpful for him to play with other kids) See if that is a possiblility and good luck, you arent a bad mom, if you were, you wouldnt be providing for him.

Peggy - posted on 06/29/2012

1

1

0

I don't feel like your a bad mom. Your amily can not survive if the both of you are not happy and productive. That is your child you know what is best for him. However having so many babysitters does confuse children as rules and such does change between each. As for the toy issue, let him be a boy. The swords and crossbows and such should probably be put up til you can teach him the correct meaning and usage of these things and he understands. Aslong as you feel your doing a good job, keep it up. You will be done with school soon and will be able to spend more time then you know with him.

Lisa - posted on 06/29/2012

188

5

10

I think that YOUR MOM is the bad mom. No mother should make her daughter feel the way u do. Perhaps she needs to be in ur life less. I am sure without her nagging and complaining and ripping on u, u would not feel so depressed.

HEATHER - posted on 06/28/2012

1

10

0

OMG! You are a wonderful mother! The fact that you volunteer is a wonderful thing & I think is setting a good example for your child. As long as he isn't playing violent video games or watching rated R movies, I think the fighting and sword thing is just fine! My daughters are 2 and 4 and both play with guns and things like that but now they know they cant go out in public to do it.
We realize when we have children of our own that there are things you never really knew about your parents until now. I know I see my mother differently, although she does not belittle me this way, I see some things I didnt notice until now. It is not a very nice thing that she is doing & I am very sorry for this. You should talk to friends at work or your husband and when your mother goes off criticizing, you need to put her in her place. I know it sound harsh but explain to her that this is "your" family. You "were" her child but not anymore.
I have been to houses with old food under beds, the whole house stinks like trash and feces, the children are dirty from their faces to their diapers!
You are doing nothing wrong my friend, keep up the good work!

Laura - posted on 06/27/2012

201

69

6

not a bad mom,hi this is Laura,mom bf pt, ..I am an N.D.&..L.C.,and family counselor...

Now do.you agree that he is your top priority,so stop the volunteer service for now.....give him love and attention,affection and praise when he shows you his work or projects....( how long were you able to bf )...try to stay in college part-time...now he has seen violence some how...tv,video games,(i.e.) monitor his tv...and games,and his inter-actions with people....if kids are exposed to peaceful environment,lots of affection,kissing,hugging,and telling him how beautiful he is,and that you love him ,this is all for the good...but you must find how he was EXPOSED to negative and violent input in the first place....

You see within all,is a place of child innocence...and when it gets pushed back way inside,it must be found again,and let free....again.So you see,material THINGS are not the answer at all...much affection,bf,for the first 2 yrs at least.are important...and to foster his self-worth,respect,and self-concept,

organize both games and tasks that have a reward at the end ,if only praise,let him help setting up a chart and schedule for these things...he must gain a sense of Self-worth and accomplishment.!

Remember that ALL the answers,and all the Perfect~Harmony,Peace,and Love is found WITHIN..the only secret is the Knowing of how to tap into that~~~most have not even an idea of the total happiness and bliss that opening the true secret of LIFE really holds for us...but we must seek...and not stop till we find it,;;these ARE the possibilities.....that exist for you.......

{ you can send a PM any time to me.. }

Laura Mornings~Admin, of ~Nature Moms community

Janet - posted on 06/26/2012

3

12

0

First of all you are NOT a bad mom. You are typical mom juggling work, school, and volunteering. And raising a child. And yes unfortunately mothers do have a bad habit of critizing their daughters. My advice is continue doing what you're doing and yes get your son to help you do the housework. It will teach him how to do housework and make him an independent man. And when your son is playing and laughing and is happy video or take pictures of him (if possible) and show your mother. And ask her if he looks like a child who is missing the most important thing in the world. Knowing that he is loved. And as for your MOTHER, sit her down and tell her the things that bother you. Such as her criticism about your house and clothing choices etc. and that if cannot be either helpful or positive then her behavior is not good for you or your child and that her visits will be limited or banned all together. You don't need that in your life. Good luck and remember as long as your son knows he is loved nothing else matters

Brandy - posted on 06/25/2012

7

12

0

You are NOT a bad mom! Our moms and sometimes dad are our worst critics.Perhaps she feels bad for the way she raised you so she is "trying" to make up for it.My mom used to do it to me until she learned that I was doing the best i could with all I was given.I am sure we will do it too but not in a way it comes across like that.We want the absolute BEST for our kids and you are giving that to your son to the best of your ability.Don't let her drag you down. I don't.As long as I feel like I am doing what is best after all I am the mom. Hope it gets better for ya!!

Bethany - posted on 06/23/2012

546

3

63

Your a great mum, sounds like your mum is being very unsuportive :( toddlers both boy and girl older or younger have super imaginations and sooooooooooooooooo much energy, i have a overwhelmingly active 2 yr old whos imagination has just kicked into overdrive, all he watches is toystory, and abc 2 its all young kid learning shows, he will sometimes watch the wrestling and some other adult shows like dr who, much to old for him but he loves it. i have had my washing baskets turn into darlecs in an instance the world is being destroyed!!
as for the house, who cares if you can live with it then shit happens for all the others, my house isnt "dirty", yes maybe a sink and bench full of dishes and "stuff" covering every surface but the kid has clean Secondhand clothes and i do probably 1-2 loads during the week and 6-7 on the weekend, its just the 3 of us and the dog so meah....
all i can say is chin up keep doing it and when ur mum butts in tell her she raised you and you can sure as hell fend for ur self so butt out please!!
good luck :)

Merry - posted on 06/23/2012

9,274

169

263

I'm a stay at home mom and I wonder myself if I'm a bad mom
I don't keep the house as clean as it should be, or my kids spend too much time playing alone or watching tv or I don't do enough crafts or activities or they're not spending enough time with friends or outside or whatever!
We all wonder this.
But we do our best and try to ignore the nay Sayers. Hard to do it it's your mom but try!
Maybe you can bring your son with you to volunteer?

Merry - posted on 06/23/2012

9,274

169

263

Nope you're not a bad mom. First off, anyone who takes the time to really wonder if they're a good mom likely is! And this means you're actively trying to be better. That marks a good mom.

I personally wouldn't let my 3 yr old watch those tv shows, I don't let him watch any violent shows. But aside from that I really don't see the big deal! Lots of mamas have to work and lots of kids spend many hours a day in daycare. Having one on one babysitters is IMO even better then daycare! And having his family watch him should be seen as an enriching part of his life, not just babysitting.


You're doing great. Keep on your toes, but don't worry. You're a good mom.

Barbara - posted on 06/21/2012

33

0

7

You are not a bad mom! I go to a second hand consignment shop for my daughter's clothes. Why? Because kids outgrow clothes SOOOOOOOOO fast! Buying everything new would be insane.

Maybe switching his tv viewing to more educational shows and less Batman, Scooby-Doo, etc would help the "violent" stuff you are seeing. Kids this age are sponges and echoes... they'll imitate what they see. Don't cut out his favorite shows, just limit him to 1 per day and make anything else he views at least somewhat educational. Sing the ABC's to him every time you are in the car and while you are making breakfast or something. Count EVERYTHING. Steps to the bathroom, how many peas are on his plate, etc. Tell her you are working on them. If your babysitters are watching him often enough, I'm guessing they've fallen into a habit of treating it more like just watching him. Whereas a daycare is more engaged in helping him learn, or an occasional babysitter will usually be more interactive with a child. Does that make sense? So making sure he learns what he needs to is more on you than anyone else.

Actually, here, this might help... get a list of what he needs to know before kindergarten, then post it on your fridge and cross things off as he learns them. If she ever says anything to you again, point to the list and say we are working on it. Let that be it, don't feed her comments. If she says anything negative back, point to the list and say we're working on it. Make it a mantra of sorts. Don't let her degrade you. Take the power away from her. When she watches him, specifically tell her each time you drop him off, or she comes over to watch him "right now we are working on X, so we're doing Y to enforce that. If you get a chance I'd appreciate it if you could do it too". (This actually goes for every babysitter) If you know you are doing what you can for him, then there shouldn't be any guilt on your part and her comments have no power. We can't all be SAHM's, just do the best you can.

If you give up anything for more time with him it should not be school. Your volunteering time is the only thing that could be reduced, his father already gives them 80 hrs. I know it's hard, because I'm sure you volunteer because it's something you enjoy that is important to you. You could cut that time in half for a while and put the other half 100% to one on one time with your son. No matter what though do not cut school time. It's only temporary, eventually you'll be done with school and you can go back to volunteering more, etc.

Also, next time she comments on his behavior say something like "yeah, definitely just like his dad" (If she doesn't like his dad for some reason, don't do this. Don't need to fuel that. But if she thinks his dad is a wonderful guy, this should be a good response.) You can do things to try to help that, like the television viewing and such. But she doesn't need to know that.

Also, if she starts a negative tirade again, just look at her and very calmly say "Mom, is there anything you like about your grandson?" It'll help her see how negative she is being about her grandson. Don't say "my son" that sounds defensive, say "your grandson".

Ugh, that got long. You are NOT a bad mom though, you are a busy mom doing the best she can for her son, making sure he is well cared for while you are going to school. There are things you can try, but a lot of boys are just generally more aggressive. You can try to funnel that more towards sports or things that are very active without being aggressive, but do not feel bad that your son wants to fight evil. Think of it more that he wants to be a "good guy" :D Put that spin on it if your mom mentions him wanting to fight a bad guy. Say something like "yeah, isn't it great that he wants to be a good guy super hero." Just twist her bad things to the good thing about it.

Good luck!

Danielle - posted on 06/20/2012

201

20

19

At that age, I only saw my son in the morning. My son is 10 now. He would have Early Intervention in the morning and Headstart in the afternoon. I would be at work when he got out except for when I had the day off. We made the most of our time together by going to a local zoo or we found things to do in the local city 45 minutes away. In fact, we still do some of those things now. Another thing we did was go to the park a lot.

Beverley - posted on 06/20/2012

10

29

1

I didn't read anyone else's response, so sorry if this is just redundant.

NO YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM! And for a mother to have the nerve to even say some of these things to you (especially your own mother) is just ridiculous. I will say that mother's can be make snide comments and tell you that they don't think something you are doing is right, but really...my son takes showers, and he doesn't wear name brand clothes, and he has ALL TYPES of imaginary play going on. You can only do the best you can do. I think that you trying to better yourself to make his life better is one up on most people. Every one has their own opinion about parenting, and their opinion isn't always right. Sounds to me like you need to tell her to stay out of it. She isn't helping any situation, as I am sure you already feel guilty enough.

I would suggest that with this schedule you have, either changing your volunteering, or schedule time with your son. He still needs time with you. Chores are a good thing to do with kids, they love to help. Me and my son do dishes, vacuum, laundry, and all together. Even if it takes a little longer with him helping, I am still spending time with him, and I am instilling skills that he will need later in life.

Your child will be better off without all these things your mother is talking about, than not having a mother at all.

Dianne - posted on 06/20/2012

76

17

13

You sound like a wonderful mom - trying to get everything in the way you do. Don't overdo yourself though - do what you can and only that. You are not doing you son any good by trying to overdo yourself. You also need your rest. So if that means you leave the dishes, then you leave the dishes. I think it far more important to spend quality time playing with your son than worrying that the dishes stay overnight!
3 yr olds have a major imaginative mind so it is normal for him to talk of monsters and fight - that is what boys do.
Try to be more nice to yourself - stop blaming yourself. Sit your mom down and speak to her face to face and tell her how you feel, how she makes you feel. You did not mention that your mom babysits - perhaps this is where the problem lays, perhaps she is feeling left out.
I commend you for the volunteering - you sound like you pull yourself in different directions to give of yourself. Just always remember to give yourself time too.
Good luck - I hope you manage to work through this.

Amanda - posted on 06/19/2012

223

19

2

First of all you are not a bad mom!!! Dont let anyone make you feel that way. Your mom is overstepping her boundries in judging you and your son and your life. By the sounds of it you have a normal 3 yo. I have twin 3 yo who dont always listen, who like to pull hair, bite, fight....but alot of 3 yo are like that. I dont understand why she is judging how you dress your son. So what if you dont buy clothes that are name brand or from Children's Place. I buy alot of my kids clothes at garage sales. Then I also buy the rest of their clothes at Target or Walmart or Kmart. There is no reason to spend a fortune on kids clothes that they will outgrow quickly. Thats being smart with your money.

I commend you for working and going to school! I dont think its a problem that your son has a few different babysitters. As long as he seems happy with the babysitters, and they dont mind watching him for you then I dont see a problem with that. And as far as not having a tub for him to play in....I can't believe she would make this an issue. So what if he showers instead of playing in the tub. He is clean - thats all that matters.

I wouldn't let what your mother says bother you. So what your house is messy (so is mine) - as long as its not dirty your fine. So what if laundry sit in a basket (clean) for a few days. I do that too. I get to it when I have a free moment. Your son is taken care of, he is fed, cleaned, and has clean clothes to wear, but most importantly he is loved!!! And thats what really matters in the end.

I would recommend though that maybe you cut your volunteering down a day or two. Its nice to help out somewhere, but by the sounds of your schedule you could use some extra time to spend with your son (or to spend for yourself). Your son is only little once, cherish the time / moments you get to spend with him (dishes, laundry, cleaning can all wait). Can you save some of the cleaning until after he is in bed for the night?

Maybe you can talk to your mom and tell her how all her comments really hurt you and you would rather have her support and love than her judgements against you.

I hope this helps! Good Luck!

Angela - posted on 06/19/2012

97

9

8

who wants to buy clothes and shoes for stupid money that will either be outgrown before the ink on the tag even thinks about fading or in the case of boys more so will be ruined by the constant dragging and abuse suffered??
if you are a bad mom, then so is everyone else in the world!! because we all have similar problems.
you are teaching your child many lessons that many never get taught, responsibilities, how we achive our goals, and that school is important... to name but a few.
if you were a bad mom and didn't care about your child you wouldn't be going through the agony of guilt!
tell mom to back off or you will just start seeing her as a baby sitter...who has no right to an opinion, instead of grandma who's opinion matters. :o) good luck, don't feel bad...feel proud!!

Chrissyomari - posted on 06/19/2012

0

17

15

I'm so glad everyone on here gave you the right answer! I don't think your mom is being the best mom she can be right now, but . . . I guarantee he will know his abcs by the time he's 12. If he doesn't, you're a bad mother. lol! :)

I'm a single mom and I work. My house has it's ups and downs. But when it's down, it's DOWN. I don't know your personality, but before I had a kid, I kept my things nice and clean and my clothes and shoes were all hung by color then article. Now, I LITERALLY have a heap of washed clothes on a rocking chair that I sift through and VOW to hang every night. It even makes me sad to type it, but I make myself feel better by remembering all the things I DID do everyday, especially the things I do for my son.

I think that you have to (and I know it's hard) get into a ritual of recognizing the great things you do and inwardly praise yourself for them everyday. I don't know why mom's always make it worse! My mother said that my son was getting sick in daycare because I wasn't feeding him correctly. :( I really hope I'm not like that with my son.

Question: Why do you volunteer twice a week? Why don't you cut it down to once and take some time for yourself?

[deleted account]

You're not a bad Mother at all =). I'm actually a wife and young mom w/ 5 kids. Ages from 9,8,5,3,& 2months. Im a stay at home Mother & still EVERYTHING gets hectic at times. As a mother and I think tis goes for all mothers out there, WE ALL TRY TO DO OUR BEST ! You can never FAIL when you're TRYING . It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, really. Just remember while you're super busy trying to make a better life for your son just know your priorities. Your son will always come first and everything will basically flow afterwards, try to some time off and relax... Best of luck to you.
Blessings

Meta - posted on 06/19/2012

2

0

0

Maybe she doesn't know how to express it but you sound like your over whelmed! I understand the feeling completely. I have been so busey and it caused me to be away from home to much and then I would loose sync of the routine of the already balancing act of being a Mom. There is no manuel and alot of different opions out there and TO NEAR (grandparents at times.)
Find your sync again and don't let someone else make you doubt being the best Mom you can be.

Sharlene - posted on 06/17/2012

3,896

241

825

No your not at all,Have you thought about a play group for your active 3 yr old and that you can meet other moms and meet up for coffee .good luck

Nicky - posted on 06/17/2012

185

5

36

You ARE NOT a bad mother. Your son is 3 of course he is going to be wild and have an imagination and talk about monster ect.. My son is 4 and he is also a crazy lil man. I wouldnt expect you to spend hundreds of dollars on expensive clothing since he is so young and grows so fast. Ive learned my lesson with that, I would buy my son expensive sneakers just to turn around and buy a bigger size a month or 2 later. Its called being smart it doesnt make you a bad mother! For your house not always being spic and span it happens especially when you have children and work or go to school as you do. I work 40 + hours a week and have to spend all my spare time cleaning just to keep up with house work. I do 2-3 loads of laundry every other day and my clean clothes also will sit in a basket folded until I have time to put them away. I think you sound like a great mom. Your doing what you can and thats all a person can do. I mean you work, you go to school your doing things to better you and yor childs lives. Just do what your doing and dont worry about what other people say!

Angela - posted on 06/17/2012

2,216

33

37

Nope you are not a bad Mom, I would ask myself why you let her make you or anyone for that matter feel as if you are.
If you feel good about how you dress, spend time, etc with you son what does it matter? BTW a clean house is not an example of being a good Mom, it just means your house is clean :)

Amy - posted on 06/17/2012

6,467

33

2386

No you aren't a bad mom! At least you wash your dishes everyday right now I currently have a sink that is overflowing onto the counter because I've been working the last couple days and the last thing I want to do is wash dishes! The laundry like you is washed and usually it's folded but it stays on the couch until it gets worn again or we're having friends over to visit, and if they're good friends I don't even bother putting it away ;) Most of the clothes in my kids closet are purchased by grandparents, although I buy them some their grandparents are the one who gets them clothes for the upcoming season.

I agree with Katherine, get your son to help you clean. My 2 year old is great at helping, it may take me a little longer but when I'm washing dishes she is playing in the other sink with water and plastic dishes. When it's time to do laundry I take it out of the washing machine, she puts it in the dryer, she starts both for me.

I think it's fine if your son watches what he's watching as long as he understands that it's not real. If you are concerned with how he reacts when he watches these shows than you can limit how much he watches. My son is 6 and he was never into swords and guns but we fight and wrestle.

As far as what you can do you can write your mom a letter letting her know that if she doesn't have anything nice to say about the way you parent then she can keep it to herself. My mom knows better than to say anything to me about my kids and what we do but she also understands that I have to work.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms