Am i being responsible, or unreasonable?

Nikita - posted on 04/08/2010 ( 117 moms have responded )

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my mother in law wants to have my 18 month old daughter once a week which i am totally fine with and happy with. the problem is that i asked my partner to tell her to pick her up at 9am and have her back home by 1.00pm, because she has a nap at that time. She always finds excuses not to bring her home on time, and i get very anxious when this happens. then she told my partner that she doesn't know any other nanna that has to keep to a "time schedual" and she gets very upset. i get worried because she lies to me about where she is taking her ( or just just doesnt tell me when i ask, just ignores the question) and she doesnt want to listen to anything i tell her about my daughter. i mean she doesnt even know how to buckel her into her car seat. what should i do?

117 Comments

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Stephani - posted on 04/15/2010

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This is a difficult situation and becomes incredibly uncomfortable for us mothers but the bottom line is they are OUR children not theirs! We have to learn to be confident with the decisions we make and hope that they are the best decisions we can make for the best interest of our children. Plus if this is your mother in law then I think your husband needs to approach the issue not you. Discuss all of your concerns with him and let him handle it. If things to not begin to work out then guess what Nanna your SOL!

Savanna - posted on 04/15/2010

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one way that may help with this is by saying "you got to raise your kids your way now it's my turn to raise mine"

Savanna - posted on 04/15/2010

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put your foot down and tell her that you keep a strict schedual. about the carseat don't let her go untill she is willing to learn how to fasten her in safely. safety is important that is not something you want to be lenient on.

C - posted on 04/15/2010

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sometimes mother in laws wants to have their own way imposed on the kids. If your kid's routine is affected by others, then its high time that you should bring in your authority. Its difficult even for the child to listen to both you and your mother in law, thus this will make the child confused. Finally, your child might not give you the respect that you want because the mother in law believes in a different kind of discipline.

Leanne - posted on 04/15/2010

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i go through this every time i talk to my mum she says she has raised 4 but to me i dont care because i am my childrens mum not her she always asks me when can my 2 year old go and stay with her she lives like close to 3 hours drive away and i keep having to say no i would love for my mum to see my child but i wont let her go on her own my older sister is the same with her 4 kids but i dont really have to many problems with my inlaws off my 2 year old only a few lil things like if my 2year old dose not have shoes her grandand make a big thing of it so i have to speack up about it and it stops him my inlaws youst to take our 2 year old most weekends and at 1 piont half the week when my hubby did his back in and i was working now we live out of town in our own house on the same property she dose not go up there over night anymore and now my hubby is a lot better and with another baby due in july i am not at work so it is fine my words for you is stick your ground she is your child and she is only a grandmother you over rule her when it comes to your child and the grandmother has to deal with it

Amy - posted on 04/14/2010

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Wow. Reading all these posts makes me glad that my daughters grandparents all live in different states. The only grandparents I'd trust her with for more than an hour or two at this point are my dad and step-mom, and since they live in Iowa and we live in Utah, it sort of out of the question.

Z - posted on 04/14/2010

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Don't send ur daughter to her if she cant even buckel her into her car seat. I know she loves her granddaughter. But she is ur child n u r the one who shoukld take care of her. If she dosent respect u, u can imagine all the sorts of things that she will put in ur daughter minds which I can tell no good will come out of this. U will be stress thinking about ur daughter. My solutions is, she can see ur daughter in ur house anytime she like but in ur house. Until he can repect u as her daughter-in-law, don't trust her to take care of ur baby.

Kimberly - posted on 04/14/2010

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I can't say I've been in that situation, but I can tell you that you are her mother and you are the one that makes the rules on who gets to spend time with her. If your mother-in-law can't abide by your rules, get her home when you tell her she needs to be home, and learn how to use her car seat, then she isn't following your rules and you have the power to stop her from seeing your daughter because of it. How much time she spends with your daughter is a privilege that you give her, it's not a written law that grandma gets time with her grandchildren every week, like I said, it's a privilege and privileges can be taken away just as easily as they are given. Tell her she can change and follow your rules or she loses the privilege of seeing your daughter, end of story. And don't let her talk you out of it. Making the rules is your right as Mom.

JJ - posted on 04/14/2010

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you are not being unreasonable at all. I have been in a similar situation. you have to simply tell her that she either abide by the rules or she will not have the privilege of unsupervised visits. if she gets upset you tell her that the safety and security of your daughter is #1 priority and that is the bottom line. you can do it.

Alicia - posted on 04/14/2010

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I tend to think Mother-in-laws are a cross to be beard in many ways. And with 2 boys I am getting a crash course in MILing.

I do not have a great relationship with my MIL, although i have tried very hard. We are just very very different people. My husband is the 'golden child', as well as 'the baby' so in fairness I don't think any girl would have had a chance with her.

All that being said I do tend to pick my beefs with her; some I let go, some I tackle directly and some I just bitch about to my friends!

With the ones I deem serious issues, I usually handle them with a touch of humour (or sarcasm). When my oldest was still a baby she would often ask my husband if he could spend the night. She lives 3 hours away from us and I was exclusively breastfeeding , the way i would say no was to ask if she had started lactating recently? She also asked if they could take him to Florida with them (we live in MI) when he was 18 months as I had just taken him home to Australia for 2 months. again the lactation question (I'm still BF him @ 27 mths)

Another one I have used quite often is 'when you have your next child you can choose to do that if, but not with mine!'

It did take A long time for her to accept our rules (but she does not respect them), and she does only see them a handful of times a year; but i see no point in having the routines stuffed up just because they want to 'feel special' by spoiling my children.

If we did see them more often and they had a continuing relationship with them I may feel differently. But they choose not to see us or the grandkids (because they don't like me) and that wins no points with me.

I truly believe EVERY child is born with the right to be loved by as many people as possible, and part of that is being lived by ALL their grandparents. The grandparent relationship is so very special, and nothing can replace it. No one can love and care for your children as much as you two do, but your/his parents should come pretty bloody close!

Teach her how to buckle the car seat it is imperative your child is physically safe at all times. You would never forgive yourself (as you are fully aware that there is a problem) and you would never forgive her either, if heaven forbid an accident happened. Because thats what it will be, an accident and they happen all the time!

Handle the emotional safety of you and your child separately, and as you feel comfortable. but please please do something about the car seat situation.

Leslie - posted on 04/14/2010

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she is the grandmother YOU are the mother you should decide if you feel uncomfortable and she is not following thru with your wished stop the visits

Lee-Anne - posted on 04/14/2010

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If it were my child, her safety and routine are way more important than nanna having her nose out of joint. I would lay down the law and make it abundantly clear that if your wishes are not followed, the visits will cease. Take nanna out to the car and teach her how to secure your child into her safety seat. If nanna is serious and concerned about your daughters safety, she should have no problem with being shown the proper way to do this. If she says that she already knows how to do it, call it a refresher. Good luck :-)

Elizabeth - posted on 04/14/2010

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you should stop her from going unless your mother in law is going to stick to your rules, after all she is your child and you are responsible for her safety and well being at all times. It sounds like shes using your daughter to get one over on you!! i wouldn't allow it and if anyone was to take my child out i would expect to know exactly where they are going to be in case of emergencies etc...

Kim - posted on 04/14/2010

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i can see your point of view but at the same time you need to think about what best for everone. first of all mothers and mother in laws can be annoying as they think they know best..yes times have changed but they were also mothers once. so you need to make sure she knows how you like things done and any safety issues you have. but it is hard to have fun with a baby if your watching the clock all the time. why can't she have a nap there? my mother in law looks after my 15 month old and my 2 half year old whenever i need her to. although she doesn't do everythink the way i would i know they are safe, having fun, learning new things and in the end you never know what will happen in life and you may need more of her help.... a very important thing to think about.

Kirsten - posted on 04/14/2010

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You need to stop that kind of manipulative behavior now. Many "Nanna's" keep to a schedule (ours do) and you do not need to expain yourself...you are the mommy. I completely understand how things can quickly become awkward and uncomfortable, but you must assert yourself. Your daughter's safety should be of highest concern, not "Nanna's" feelings. It is not unreasonable to set limits with others in regards to your childs activities and whereabouts. I would only caution you by saying, set them now even if you sacrifice familial harmony for peace of mind.

Bernadette - posted on 04/14/2010

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Your mother-in-law needs to repect your wishes, which are not unreasonable at all. A schedule is very important and so are bounderies. And they can still have fun with Grandma with out her disrespecting you. We have had diffrences of opinon with my mother in law and my daughter is now three and she is finally seeing that we were right because my daughter knows she can go to grammys and be demanding, hit, scream, do whatever she wants with NO bounderies and now grammy can't handle her and grammy doesnt think naps are important either and it finally came down to my daughter being a holy terror to grammy and she still has a hard time biting her tounge if she gets a time out! My husband has also been super protective from the very begining he told his own mother that she couldn't even leave the house with our daughter! And she hadnt even done anything for us not to trust her, he has relaxed on that but we still want to know where she is. You are totally justified your child comes first and just becuase she did it one way does not mean its right or the only way it has to be so how you want to run your household needs to be respected! Start with a nice conversation but put your foot down! The longer you wait the worse it will get! Oh and on the car seat to me that would be a you will learn how to do it or you will not take her anywhere period no arguing on that and if it helps maybe offer to get her her own carseat if she doesnt have one allready maybe one she likes but yep no buckle no car ride!!!!

Katie - posted on 04/14/2010

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I had the same sort of problem with my mother inlaw but she new best..... she looked after my son when he was 2months old and gave him solids and she would always rock my son to sleep witch i dont mind but not all the time. then she would never keep to the times that i said. as it is very fustrating but there is somthing you can do. you need to tell her she will not have her unless she sticks to your rules me and my mother inlaw had a big fight about it so i just stopped my son going to see her unless me or my partner were there untill she did as i asked. she is your daughter.

Mary - posted on 04/14/2010

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I'd just simply explain to her in a nice but firm manner that if she can't tell you where she's taking her and what's going on and respect your wish to have her back by a certain time then she can no longer have her over at her place. If she wants to visit with her at your place, that would be fine as long as she is gone or remains quiet when it is time for the baby to go to sleep. Nap times are very important to young children. It's how they grow properly and develop properly and she should be willing to respect that..

Angie - posted on 04/14/2010

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It's ur Kid! Ur Mother-in-law needs to respect this & that u have set rules & if she can not respect that then i wouldnt let her take her. U have every right to know where she is taking her what her plan is for the time she has ur daughter!! If she will not listen or learn how to buckle the child in a car then she for definate would not b takin her! My suggestion is is that u and ur partner invite her over. When she gets there u tell her U BOTH have something to talk to her about & that its something that really concern u both. Tell her first that ur happy that she wants to spend soo much time w her granddaughter & how u appreciate the time to ur self so u can catch up on things. U both want her continue doing so BUT there r things that bother U BOTH & Then lay it on the line & that these r the rules if she is to continue visits & re-inforce that u love her & the attention she gives ur daughter but u both would feel more comfortable if ur demands were ment. Most importantly ur partner needs to agree & b able to stand up to her concerning u & ur guys daughter. Be prepared her feelings will b hurt tell er u know this & its not ur intention & say ull give her time to think it over & dont let her teke her for a couple of days. If she doesnt come around & do as u ask then I would not let my daughter b so readily available....WHAT COMES FIRST IS SAFETY OF THE CHILD & UR FEELN COMFORTABLE W WHO SHE'S WITH & WHAT THEY'RE DOING!! Good Luck hope this has helped?! Remember if ur not comfortable w something u do not have to do it!

Merri - posted on 04/14/2010

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Honestly I think you are being responsible. Your mother in law should respect how you want your childs schedule to work. If she can not follow thru with having her home at a certin time or lies about what they have been doing then that to me is not acceptable. If i were you I would not let her take her until she fully understands what you and your partner expect from her. Even if it does make her upset, she can not compare what she wants to other Nana's that is just silly. My inlaws are not even allowed to be left alone with my child becasue they do not respect what me and my husband say and our routine. If your baby routine is thrown off then the rest of her day will probaly be thrown off. Hope it helps

Barbara - posted on 04/14/2010

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Somehow you need to have a sit down discussion and let her know that as her mother you're responsible for your child. Also, if she doesn't stay within the curfew, without even a phone call to you, to say why they are late, then the punishment will be an even time spent with her granddaughter ora treasured missed outing wtih her. There has to be consequences. You're the one raising your child. She needs to be respectful of your requests. could she take a nap at Nanna's house? Ask her for suggestions of a compromise you both can live with and be happy. Utimately, you are responsibile. Noticed I mentioned you are the one responsible for your child's welfare several times.

Sarah - posted on 04/14/2010

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My MIL keeps my daughter during the week while we work. We were unable to afford daycare (still are actually) and my MIL said she would keep her for us. She has always complained about anything we asked her to do. And if we got angry, she held her helping us out over our heads so we couldn't do anything. For awhile, my boyfriend wouldn't even stand up to her because he knew she would threaten to quit watching her. Because we let her get away with disrespecting our wishes and letting my daughter do whatever she wanted, she is a big handful with her Nana (maybe it has something to do with being called nana - lol).... Whatever Cassie wants, Cassie gets at her Nana's house. Now my MIL is fed up with it and is wanting Cassie to go into Daycare. As soon as my boyfriend is off work and goes to his parents house, my MIL walks away and pretty much doesn't have much to do with my daughter - unless, I show up and then she tries to keep Cassie from having anything to do with me while we are both there and all of a sudden wants Cassie to spend the night. I'm against it. You can't go from wanting a break from your grandchild, to wanting her to spend the night because I show up and you wouldn't be caught dead complaining about her to me. I appreciate everything she has done for cassie, I do, and I try to make other arrangements when I can, but my parents both work full time so it's kind of impossible. My mom has been known to call in sick for me whenever I can't, but we can't all lose our jobs to make MIL happy.
Jennifer you are right, if your son's Nana disrepects you, your sone will try to disrespect you - My daughter tried it one time, and it hasn't happened since. You have to make sure you do everything to prevent that from happening. What happens when our kids become teenagers and we are still being disrespected by our in-laws?
I realize my MIL raised 2 sons and they are still alive. I told her as soon as I found out I was going to have my daughter, that I needed her to respect my wishes for my daughter. She agreed with me. I have a mother, I don't need another mother. If I want someone's help or opinion I will ask for it. I do ask for it. The few times I listened to her, wound up being horrible mistakes and she put them off on someone else. She has disrespected my wishes from the start. I told everyone I did not want a big crowd at the hospital and I didn't want anyone showing up until after 8 or 9 am. I was being induced. She totally ignored my request and showed up at 5:00 am and started crying and by the time I had my daughter she had my entire family thinking I was being a "B" to her. I was in the middle of having horrible contractions that were literally off the charts, so yeah, I did cuss her and tell her I didn't give a damn about her family's drama, I was having my own drama. she's really good at turning people against me, just about everyone in my boyfriend's family thinks I"m a horrible person. I guess it's something we have to live with. She can hate me as much as she wants, that's fine. but - if she wants my daughter to show her more respect, she needs to show me a little more respect with my daughter. It's not being petty. It's all about respect.

Ela - posted on 04/14/2010

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Your mother-in-law is disrespecting your boundaries. She needs to remember that it is YOUR child that she is spending time with and it is a privilege to spend time with her grandchild. It is completely disrespectful to ignore the schedule you have set up for your family and the very reasonable expectation that you know where and when she is taking your child somewhere. NEVER, EVER apologize for being a mother. It's your right and duty to be the care-taker of that little soul.

I suggest talking to your husband about it and making sure you're on the same page and supportive of each other. (Your husband should be in support of your very reasonable feelings). Then I would suggest that he, as her son and as the head of the family, tell her that if she continues to disregard your (by your I mean your and your husband's) feelings and wishes she will lose the privilege of being able to spend time alone with your daughter.

My husband and I had some boundary issues with my MIL the first few years of our marriage and in the first few years with our children. We finally had to lay down the law (gently but very firmly) with her and make it very clear what our expectations were. She didn't respond well initially but after she cooled down she did what we asked and our relationship has been far less tense and far more healthy since then.

Remember, it is YOUR family. Not hers. She needs to defer to you in regards to what the rules are. And remind her that it doesn't matter what "other Nanas" get to do. Your family is unique and your boundaries are what they are.

You may find the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend a good read.

Aleisha - posted on 04/14/2010

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well my mum tries to give my daughter haram meat (she's muslim) when i tell her not to and has her uy friend there when i spacificaly tell her not to when acacia's there and i know how annoying it is but the best thing you can do is be strong and firm, tell your partner and your mother-in-law how you feel and if she still cant stick to your routine simply stop contact until she can decide to listen or compramise with you. At the end of the day this is your daughter an you have a right over anybody and evrybody what you think is best for her.

Beth - posted on 04/14/2010

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Parents have ALL the right to be anxious on the whereabouts of their kids especially when the little ones. Your in-law of course have a different nanna style but she also has to respect the way you want to handle your kid. If you can handle it, tell her firmly your terms simply because you are the mom (and it is your kid you she is borrowing) and she has to respect that, or else, she may have a hard time taking your kid the next time... I used the same to my own mother who is also dificcult to deal with. just make sure you also get your partner's support in dealing wit her in a sit down.

Katie - posted on 04/14/2010

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Is it the lieing or the coming home late thats a problem? Is your daughter still able to get a nap in or is does she end up cranky all day and no nap? Letting my son go to sleep when wants to has always worked for us. I usually suggest a nap when he starts looking tired. Is your daughter not showing signs of being tired and your MIL taking that as cue to stay out or is she pushing her to stay awake despite being tired. A little flexiblity might go along way to communicating with grandma. Maybe instead of setting a time limit, ask her to make sure she brings her home right when she starts showing signs of getting tired. This could give MIL a feeling of control and that you trust her but still ensure that dd gets home at reasonable time for nap. IMO

Jackie - posted on 04/14/2010

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I do think she needs to respect your wishes, and especially your daughters schedule (I am all for schedules!) but at the same time, as someone else said, what is the harm in your daughter napping at her house? I also think you have every right to at least KNOW where she is taking your daughter, but if your daughter is safe does it really matter as long as you know where it is. The car seat thing is huge though, I wouldn't want her going anywhere until she learned, but you can show her that. I do think though that wihtout a calm and rational conversation this could quickly get out of hand and cause alot of family tension. My mom takes my daughter anytime and anywhere she wants (she does respect my daughters schedule though). But she once said to someone else after my daughter was born "you thought you couldn't love anyone more than your child until you have a grandchild". Really try to think about how she feels about your daughter. I just think if you only let her see her once a week then ya, 4 hours really isn't that much. Like I said, I would firmly expect her to get her 1pm nap in, but she can do that with your MIL and come home before dinner, after dinner or whatever.

Bottom line schedule is totally reasonable to make not negotiable, and making sure safety is considered (car seat, knowing at least WHERE she is) is paramount, I am with you 100% there, but is your daughter coming home unhappy? LIke someone else said, think back to how much fun you had when you got to go to your grandparents (or any good babysitter). Plus, it is EXTREMELY beneficial for your child to be comfortable in situations where you are not present.

Shannon - posted on 04/14/2010

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Alright ladies here is the deal. YOU gave birth to these children. YOU are responsible for their safety. YOU are their mothers. Find a way to inform the grandparents, nannas, nannys, gamgams and gimmies in your childrens lives that you respect their opinion and you are thankful you have their support but they have raised their children and if they cannot respect the decisions you have made on behalf of YOUR child other arrangements are going to need to be made. That doesn't mean you have to keep the children from them. Try to find common ground.

HOWEVER, THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DISAGREEING AND LYING !!!! If you cannot trust the person that is leaving with your child you need to step up and put your foot down. It is never okay for ANYONE to leave your home with suck a lack of communication and clear lack of respect. You might not always agree but you should always be respected as the mother.

So the bottom line in my opinion... "I am thankful you want to be such an involved party in my childs life. He/She is lucky to have you. But they are my child and if you can't respect my rules then you aren't giving the influance I want in my childs life. I don't want anyone teaching my child it's okay to be so disrespectful of me. I hope we can come to an understanding."

I know that's easier said then done. You are your childs biggest advocate. It is your job to teach them right from wrong. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't always the easiest!!

Amy - posted on 04/14/2010

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I agree with many of the posts so far. She is your daughter, and ultimately your responsibility. Tell your MIL that, yes, you trust her and understand that she raised a child/children so she should understand all the stress and worry that goes with that. You are struggling with wanting your daughter to spend time w/ her grandma and wanting a happy/healthy child. Explain to her that your parenting style may be dif. than yours, but you have to do what you feel is best because you are THIS CHILD'S mother. Tell her that you must insist you know where your daughter is and show her as many times as it takes how to strap her in. As has been suggested in other posts, you and your partner NEED to portray a united front!

Ashley - posted on 04/14/2010

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Frist off it's great that Grandparents want to be involved with their grandchildren, but sometimes they forget the axsioty you feel when your children are young and you dont know there every move when their with someone else, and times have changed and there is more to worrie about.
My entier family was like this when I had my frist child, mostly in part of I was young and a single mother, it got to a point when I had to tell them all, "I apperciate your help, but this is my child and if you can't respect me or the way I would like things done when it comes to my child then I dont want you around" see its not that I didnt want my family there, most of us are very close but the point needed to be made that this is my child and you need to respect the way I want things done and if I need your help or want input I will ask for it.
It was a drastic step but in my case it worked, and if she is not sticking to your shedual and hiding things when it comes to your child she needs to know this isn't exceptable and shes disrespecting not only you but your husband as well, and it may cause a fight but if you dont feel comfortable letting her take your child due to the fact she dosent adhear to your rules then do not let her take your child, she'll get the point eventually, tell her she can come she her anytime she wants but the privlage of taking her out has been revocked.

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I agree with you Amy! Although I feel the her MIL should respect her wishes I would also advise trying to be amicable! It's never flattering to DEMAND ur own way! And I also stated above that including ur partner in the conversation with the MIL is CRUCIAL!

Amy - posted on 04/14/2010

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I must say, I am quite surprised at how many people have advised a harsh course of action with your mother in law. I would be far more inclined to find a workeable compromise that requires effort on both sides than to demand my own way (but please don't be offended if you disagree, I am simply vocalising!).

Whatever you decide to do Nikita, try and remember that she is family and you have to live with her so only you know how to deal with the situation once you have decided what outcome you want to achieve. Bear in mind though that sometime in the future you may *need* your mother-in-law to step in and she is far more likely to do so if you have a good, open and frank relationship rather than one built on mistrust and disagreement.

I really do think though that you need to get your husband involved because you wouldn't want it to become an issue between the two of you.

All the best to all of you!
Amy

Teresa - posted on 04/14/2010

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You should tell nanna, that it is important to you to know where they are incase of an emergency, and that it is as important for your daughter to be on a consistant schedule. You want her to spend time with her granddaughter, but if she can't follow your rules (you are the mom) then she will not be able to take your daughter when she wants to.

Tracy - posted on 04/14/2010

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My ex mother in law did the same thing she figured she could do what she wanted with my daughter when she was younger. At the time her son and I spoke to her and it still continued, I than stopped having her take her for awhile till she decided to follow our requests that we were making. It wasn't anything major it was keeping her on schedule because we are the ones to deal with the consequences when she came home. It didn't take long for her decide to follow our requests after not seeing her for app. a month.

Amy - posted on 04/14/2010

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I think being a new parent is hard and being anxious is normal. However it is also important to gain some perspective so that you don't alienate people who will be your safety net in the years to come.

If it helps, I know all about that anxiety, I have 4 year old twin boys and we have a very strict routine at home. I used to get extremely anxious when they went to their grandparents because I knew that bedtime would be a bit later, nap time wouldn't be enforced and many other treats would be snuck in (somethign I rarely allow). One day though my grandmother pointed out to me that when I was a child she did that for me. In fact all my best memories come from the things that my grandparents did with me that were not routine. it made time with them extra special.

I would suggest asking your hubby to look after your daughter for a couple of hours one Sat morning and you and your mother-in-law go to some coffee shop somewhere (public is safe and neutral) and you explain calmly that you're anxious when away from your daughter, especially when her routine is disturbed. If you include your MIL in the experience she may surprise you. More than likely you can come to some compromise whereby maybe she tells you where she is going and you accept that within that time she is in charge.

Believe me this will pay off later when you're a bit more confident to leave her with grandma for a week-end so that you can have some fun or sleep!

hang in there hun, it DOES get better!

Lacee - posted on 04/13/2010

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I can understand. I think that if she cant respect you and how you feel then she needs to only be able to see the grandbaby at your home. Not telling you where they are is no acceptable. What if there is an accident? Of the baby needs to go to the hospital? You may have to remind her that its your child and not hers. She should allow you to be the parent you want to be with only suggestions...if asked!

Candace - posted on 04/13/2010

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let the inlaw know she should open her eyes and ask her friends if they have schedules, every body does. every mom does and its alright to be scared for your children, maybe ask her what she would do if that happend to her, ask how scared she would be or anxious, ask her to put herself in your shoes after all you are the mom not the grandmother

Jen - posted on 04/13/2010

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I adhere to a distance rule when it comes to my daughter. My husband and I both have very large, close knit families. Relatives who live close by and see my daughter on a regular basis are more involved in the raising process and therefore have to adhere to more of the rules. Relatives that don't see my daughter very often get a little more leway. Children need routines. It makes them feel safe and secure. A treat now and then (late nap, junky food, etc.) is fine, but every week would lead to confusion. Rules about saftey (i.e. the car seat) are never to be broken. Try to let your MIL know that you are only doing what is best for your child. If she wants to continue to be a part of the raising process she will have to work with you instead of against you. If all she wants to do is spoil your child she'll just have to see her much less often.

Stacey - posted on 04/13/2010

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This is just horribly disrespectfull behavior on the part of your mother in law. She needs to learn that as a grand mother it is her privaledge to get to spend time with YOUR child not her right. And if she can't respect you then she isn't going to get to spend this time with YOUR child. I've seen this so many times. The parents of parents that cant accept their new role. Your child is going to learn that she doesn't need to follow the rules when Nana's around and it's just going to become an ordeal for you. And if she's not using the car seat, that's a safety issue and I'd put a stop to that NOW. I know you want to avoid a confrontation with the inlaws and your spouse but how are you going to feel if she gets in an accident and your baby gets hurt. Your childs safety is your first responsibility, regardless of the feelings of any one else. My father in law doesn't get it either, so he doen't get to take my son anywhere. I feel for you because it makes me so angry in my own life. Some people are just imposible!

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I guess I'm lucky my MIL doesn't ask to take my daughter without me.....LOL! I don't think there's anything wrong with what ur doing.......I don't think it matters what she THINKS her rights are as a nanna, she definitely needs to respect you as a mother......if she's not willing to follow ur rules then she shouldn't be able to take her!



YOU shouldn't have to be uncomfortable with the situation! I explained to my MIL very early on that until Roxanne is a lil' older and requests to spend time with her alone and naps aren't a necessity anymore then she's welcome to take her whenever she wants.....until then we still spend a lot of time with my in-laws and I have a great relationship with them but they RESPECT me and would NEVER ignore my wishes! I think ur MIL bringing ur daughter back late is super RUDE and isn't gonna make the situation better for her......she needs to back off and give you ur space, bringing ur daughter back on time, respecting ur wishes and over time easing your worrying mind.....that's the way to get to spend more time with her granddaughter!



I think the only way around it is to talk to her, preferably WITH ur partner since it's his/her mother and lay down some ground rules.....you and ur partner need to be on the same page and be firm about what you expect!



Hope everything goes well.......I'd be interested to know how this plays out?!! Keep me posted!?

Tera - posted on 04/13/2010

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You should sit down and talk to her, explain how you feel without ultimatums. She needs to understand this baby is a blessing and a priveledge and that she needs to respect you and your wishes. How does your partner feel about it?

Tina - posted on 04/12/2010

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Nap time is crucial if not they get crabby and that just creates stress Just let her know that keeping her on a schedual everyone does do that... that is your right to have her home for any reason u feel necessary and when u ask where she is taking her make her respond or just tell u will find someone else because u feel like she is hiding something and u have to be able to trust her completly ....

Crystal - posted on 04/12/2010

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Oh man, we have this issue with my mother in law. You would think the lady would figure out that she has to do something about her behavior when she has two children (my husband with our son, and her daughter with her two boys, so 3 grandkids) who won't let her see the kids unsupervised, or take them anywhere.

It may sound cruel, but we allowed her to see our boy this past February for 2 hours after she was allowed to see him last November for 3. Why? She has no respect for herself or anyone else. She sees nothing wrong with feeding him tons of peanut butter, which he chokes on and gets a rash from so none till he's older. Nothing wrong with letting a baby less than 2 play unsupervised on the stairs. She lies about when she's at work or isn't, won't let him nap, won't listen to how he's supposed to be changed (as in, when he comes and asks to be changed, you change him, not when your show is over and you bother to get up), and even worse, she lies about drinking. This is a woman who drinks and drives, has never gotten caught where she had to actually pay the piper (she got warned once) and thinks the world revolves around her.

Now, my son has never been alone with her except for once - when we were visiting her along with my sister in law and her sons for one of the boy's birthday. Then our son was only a couple months old and while we weren't about to leave him overnight or anything, we didn't see anything wrong with letting her give him a bottle in the quiet of her room. Not until she suddenly reappeared without our kid to get a beer. Where was he? Asleep, face down, on the edge of her bed on a down comforter. And she actually cussed us for being upset about it. She even had the nerve to yank him out of my arms when he was scared by my brother in law's girlfriend and take him right back to the girl w/o letting him calm down. And again, insulted me and told me I didn't know what I was doing.

My husband put his foot down thankfully, and told her (again) our rules and that if she couldn't respect them, she wouldn't see any of us for a long time. Her mother, two brothers, a sister, and her daughter all actually told us not to leave our son with her alone b/c of things she did to her older kids (like what she did to my husband wasn't bad enough, hence why she was being supervised anyway to start with!)

She blew it when we met her and some other family for lunch at a busy restaurant and she thought it funny to wait until we were getting carryout boxes for leftovers to take our son while our back was turned, put him o the floor, and encourage him to run around and if my husband hadn't been quick enough, he'd have run right out the door onto the freeway. Nice. Why did she do that? Because we'd asked her to not take him out of his seat yet because he wasn't done eating.

So now she hardly sees him, and then it's no more than 2 hours at a time. If she's been drinking, she doesn't see him ever. Otherwise she's banging on the door at all hours (or calling at all hours) slurring around and cursing us. She even threatened to sue for custody.

Now, obviously your situation isn't that rough! But your child your rules. Sure, try to put yourself in her place. But you should never let anyone lie to you about where they go. If you want your little one home at a certain time, then that should be honored. when she's older and not needing a nap, perhaps that rule can change. Maybe the nap can be taken there - but if yours is like mine, then no nap anywhere but home. You have the ultimate say, and you know what's best for your daughter. Be strong, consistent, and clear and make sure you don't let boundaries be crossed.

Kim - posted on 04/12/2010

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My mum had the same issues with my grandmother when we were little. And i grew up with them telling us "that mummy doesnt need to know, its our little secret". Dont get me wrong i love them with all my heart, but now that i am a mum as well i see if from mum's side. How dare anyone disrespect you in that way!! And as a kid you dont know any different.

Have you tried to put her in your shoes? How would she feel in that same situation?

I look back now and remember Mum being miserable, but my Dad would never stand up to them so nothing got changed......

I have my fingers crossed for you!! Be strong!!



Oh and a little note for Sheila: Its not so simplistic unfortunatley. Its a matter of respecting a mothers wishes and rights as a mother. Something you would think that MIL's would understand, because they been through the mothering process. And as was noted the time limit is for a nap, no other reason! I have kids that need their sleep routine stuck to or else all hell breaks loose! So i get tthat one completley groan!

Sheila - posted on 04/12/2010

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Well if she doesn't even know how to buckle her in a seat why would you let her drive any where with her?As far as the time thing I think it would be fine for your daughter to miss 1 nap a week...Its her grandma why does she have a time limit anyway? You should be happy the grandma wants to take her and spend time with your daughter...

Vegemite - posted on 04/11/2010

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ummm this sounds harsh but if she can't respect you and how you want to raise your daughter than i wouldn't let her have your daughter alone. The other thing is people only hide things when they're doing the wrong thing or they know it'll upset someone. My mother in law does what i ask and how i ask when i ask but my mother will do just what she pleases and disrespects me by not listening when i voice my concerns. My mother in law looks after my son's whenever she wants but my mother can come and visit and look after the boys in my home. She'll come over and do everything they need doing while i can just relax knowing they are safe and she's involved with them in an active way. It keeps everyone happy. I've also been upfront and told my Mum about why she doesn't get the boys by herself and when she can respect me as a mother she can have the same privileges as their other Nana.

Nicole - posted on 04/11/2010

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I guess whenever she picks her up just remind her of your expectations.. make sure she's paying attention to you when your telling her them. If she's late don't stress it.. it just means that they're having a good time.. I used to be so pedantic (not to sure on spelling) about my daughters day sleeps and routines.. and when she'd spend time with her grandparents.. her whole routine would change.. she wouldn't even have a day sleep. I realised that it wasn't hurting her and she enjoyed their company.. and a weekend of changed routine wasn't going to mess it up forever.. she'd go straight back into "mummy's routine" when she was back with me.. the grandparents aren't around forever and I'm sure she's not doing it to despise you or hurt you.. but just to spend time with her grandchild. I guess just enjoy your own time because your very lucky to get that.. I know its frustrating but if you breath in and out and think positive.. its a much happier mummy and a much happier family.. I hope I've helped!

Laura - posted on 04/11/2010

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OMG i know what u mean, i swear my mother in law does things out of spite, just to annoy me i think, yet if my hubby says not to do something its all good! one day we went down there and after that we had to go see great gran, mum in law asked if it was ok to give kaitlyn (17months old) a biscuit, i said ok, so she let kaitlyn choose one, i said just not a choccy one cos she'll make a mess and we've gotta go visit gran now, kaitlyn didnt even go for a choccy one but just to spite me she gave her one, and then the other day we went round for dinner and she asked if it was ok to give her this massive chocolate cookie, i said it was fine to give her a bit of it after dinner but she went ahead and gave her this whole cookie anyway, it may seem trivial but it makes me so mad!!!!!!!!!

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2010

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you are the parent not her I would have a chat with your partner about the fact that if she can't do what is being asked of her perhaps she shouldn't be taking your little one she will either comply with your wishes or she won't but your daughter comes first.....You and your partner have to be on the same page about this though or you could have problems

Hayley - posted on 04/11/2010

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I understand that she is the Grandma and I think it's great that she wants to see her grand baby but I would be very upset about this. Not if she was just late every once in awhile but if it's constant or if I ever caught her lying I wouldn't let her have her again until she understood that you make the rules. and I keep my little girl on a schedule I think it is healthier. Not to mention her pediatrician and a lot of experts also say a schedule is important.

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