Children being raised in 2 different households

Jennifer - posted on 11/11/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I am in a custody battle with my daughter's father. Right now there is no final custody order in place. I am having a difficult time with my daughter whenever she comes back from her dad's. I have a schedule and rules with consequences. We have a routine that we do everyday and it is consistent. At her dad's its a complete 360, no schedule and does whatever she wants. When I get back she is so defiant and cries, whines, screams, tell me no, tell me she doesn't have to do it at her daddy's, wants to be with her daddy and not me. This stuff really hurts me to hear and I am consistent on what I say and do, but he is not. Every time I try to talk to him about it, it immediately backfires and he tells me that I shouldn't tell him what to do with our daughter. I am not trying to tell him how to treat her or raise her, but it concerns me that there is no consistency between our homes and it is taking a hard effect on her. She can't stand that I have rules and schedule (to which I still implement them and do not give in to her demands), while he doesn't. I am married now and have 3 step kids too (2 around the same age as her). It is difficult to because she doesn't want to play rough with them, she cries when they touch her. They say they don't want to play with her because they are scared she will start crying. She goes to school by me when I have her and I have in gymnastics to get her involved with other kids. I try to rough house with her and she just cries all the time and tell me she doesn't have to do that at her daddy's. How can I get through to him that we need to be more consistent without him completely ignoring me or telling me to go talk to his lawyer. I really think this is having a negative effect on our kid and I will be honest and say that I am scared she might not be socially involved with anyone because of the way she acts. I mean even at her school she will tell me how mean the kids are to her and that they made her cry. I don't know what to do. It's very frustrating for me and for my husband. He gets so irritated because even he can't interact with her without her crying and whining. He tells me everything will be okay, but I am starting to wonder. I don't want her to be messed up from all of this.

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Michelle - posted on 11/12/2013

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I had this with my ex.
You can't control how he treats your daughter in his house. You can't tell him how to parent, but you can teach your child that there are different rules in each house.
I had my house rules written on a big bit of card and gave the boy a day to get used to my rules again. Whenever they said "Dad lets us..." I would say that's okay but at Dad's. Here there are different rules.
It took some time for them to get used to it but with perseverance they remembered.
Have you got her some counseling? Divorce can be traumatic for children and with her always crying and whining it could be something else.

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