DISCIPLINE please help.....

Wendy - posted on 12/12/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I thought my daughter was deaf,but we have recently found she is just very ignorant. Our daughter is really defiant just won't listen the more you say to her don't touch or get down the more she does it...and if you say to her are you listening to me she will get right up in your face and says YESS. She is a very polite girl but just very headstrong and shows no signs to danger she is 2yrs 8mth but she is very forward H/V has said she is 12/18mths ahead of herself so she gets very frustrated,its just i really dont know how to discipline her without the fight that goes on after the temper which usually ends up with her breaking something

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Nikki - posted on 12/13/2011

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This is normal behaviour, she is in no way ignorant. Believe it or not your child's behaviour is dramatically impacted by your responses. Stop nagging her, engage her rather than talking at her, involve her and help her.

Toddlers do not have the same ability to process sentences like adults do, you may say "don't touch the butter" and her brain may process "touch the butter" seriously, it's true. You need to use eye contact, get down to her level and use non verbal communication as well as words to get her attention. Whispering works really well too.

The thing about punishment is that it is avoidable a lot of the time at this age, you want to avoid the negative behaviours, not wait for them then punish. Punishment at this age won't work. Discipline is about teaching your child how to behave appropriately.

Kids respond to fun, make chores fun for her. My 2 year old and I make games out of everything, cleaning, bathing, eating, everything. Sure there are times she is still not 100% keen, in which case I either pick my battles and realise it's not worth the fight or I encourage her and tell her "when you do this...(the thing she doesn't want to do) then you can do this (the thing she wants to do" Redirection works well too if she is doing something you don't want her too, get her attention and involve her in something positive.

Picking your battles is a big on, it's ok to ignore some negative behaviours, honestly sometimes it's not worth the stress it causes for either of you. Probably the most important part of discipline in to praise her when she is doing the right thing, even if it's a teeny tiny achievement. Make a huge deal out of the positives, sing, clap, dance and cheer. She will learn what kinds of positive behaviours achieve positive rewards.

Kelina - posted on 12/13/2011

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Does she have toys in her room? is her room a safe place to put her when she's having a tantrum? All my sons stuff is anchored to the wall so when he needs a place to cool down, that's where he goes, with the baby gate up. When my son was about 18 months old he started standing up in the tub. He wasn't washed yet, so I couldn't take him out. Which meant no time out. Which meant I felt helpless, so that was when, if you're not sitting on it, I'm going to smack it started. He still occasionally will test the boundary of standing up on furniture, but usually doesn't. One thing to try is don't use th word don't. they don't hear it. Try "there's no" or just plain no. No touching, no jumping no hitting, etc. also try a mre positive approach, feet belong on the floor please! or remember our feet belong on the floor! As to getting right up in your face, that's her basically saying she's the alpha and needs to stop. Usually an "excuse me?" in a strong warning tone will be enough for my son, but instead of that, try not asking her if she's listening. If she's obviously not listening, tell her she's going to go in time out if she doesn't start. And if she continues with her behaviour put her in time out. She knows she's not supposed to do this stuff, but it sounds liek she knows you're not going to do anything about it. My sons tiem out place is also his room s that if he wants to throw himself on the floor and have a tantrum he can. However, with some kids, a specific place in the hall, or a chair works better. Somewhere more rigid so they know not to move off that spot. And don't be afraid of her breaking something. If she throws a tantrum, put her somewhere safe where she can be ignored. then when she's calmed down go back and put her on her time out or whatever method you've chosen. It's going to take some time before she realizes you're serious and will get worse before it gets better, but whatever you choose, stick with it. changing your methods of discipline will only confuse her and make things more difficult.

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Lise - posted on 12/13/2011

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We started with saying, "Don't touch" and then redirecting dd to something else (e.g., "Look at your toys over here! Let's go play!"). Around 15/16 months we were able to add a little more - "Don't touch - that's hot" and redirect. Now, at 25 months, we can stop at "Don't touch" and rarely have to say that. Show her you'll follow through.

If you are delivering a consequence (e.g., time out) and she's still doing it - then you aren't punishing her and could, in fact, be making the problem worse.

Krista - posted on 12/13/2011

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By "ignorant", do you actually mean to say that she's ignoring you?

Nikki's advice is good. Kids only have so much attention span for the constant yammering that we parents do. If there's stuff that she shouldn't touch that you CAN move out of her reach, do so. If it's stuff that can't be moved, then you may need to simplify your language. Instead of "Susie, I told you not to touch the stereo!", you want to bring it down to "Susie no touch stereo." If she does it again, you say, "Susie no touch stereo. If Susie touches stereo, Susie goes in time-out." And if she touches it a third time, you pick her up and say, "Susie touched stereo. Time-out." And you sit her on a step or a chair, and she has to stay there for 2 minutes. Set an egg timer so that she can see it. If she gets up, you put her back in the chair and re-set the timer for 2 minutes.

The first few days are going to be HARD. She's going to fight you like she's never fought you before, because she's hoping you'll change your mind and abandon this new course. But stick with it. It'll get better.

I also recommend taking a look at "The Happiest Toddler on the Block", by Dr. Harvey Karp. It has some great tips on how to encourage positive behaviour and discourage negative behaviour -- all in ways that make a lot of sense.

Ashley - posted on 12/12/2011

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I would definitely say, make the rule and consequences very clear to your daughter and stick to them.



Writing the rules down somewhere you can go over them with your daughter regularily or just over with her when she is displaying the behaviours that need correcting. This way she knows that her actions are NOT tolerated and she has proof.



Be very consistent, make sure you and her dad are on the same page and both being the disciplinarian.



Most importantly make sure the punishment fits the crime. Too harsh a penalty can seem unfair even to a 2 year old, too lenient and she may not respond.

Michelle - posted on 12/12/2011

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2 year olds need the discipline to be black or white if you do this this will happen and it needs to happen every time. There can't be a grey area where things are ok some times and not others. Sit down with your SO and create a plan of action that you are both comfortable with so that the discipline is the same from both parents.

Kari - posted on 12/12/2011

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Im a firm believer in spanking, if she continues to think its ok to throw her hissy fit because mom wont do anything, shes going to keep doing it. She needs to be taught that her actions are unexceptable. how you show her that is up to you.

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