Grandma in desperate need of help!!!

Angie - posted on 06/13/2011 ( 18 moms have responded )

5

17

0

Ok here it goes! I have custody of my 5 year old grandaughter. I have had her since birth. In the last two years her mother has only seen her at the most 6 times.( She has court order visitation every Sat.) Which is absolutly fine with me! The less time with her the better!! Here is the problem ~ I also have a grandson by her. I will get to see him VERY ramdomly! I understand that the mother is upset that I got custody of the first one. So she will often use that against me. I got custody of her because she was living with an alcholic and with other people that had many run ins with the law.. (She testified to that in court). BUT ~ anyhow when I do get to see him I will have him for weeks sometimes months at a time! It seems that as soon as I get a routine down for him she will come and get him. Then I won't see him again for another month or sometimes many months! He is 4 years old. I have had his sister in preschool for the last two years. He is always asking why he can't go to school. Also I signed up his sister for soccer this spring. He was not there in the beginning ~ but we ended up with him almost the whole season ~ he got to practice with the team but I never knew when his mom would come and get him so he didn't get to play in the games. I don't have the authority to put him in any kind of daycare or legally sign him up for any kind of activity. If I bring it up to his mother she just gets upset with me and comes and takes him from us. I had him for 8 weeks this last time ~ on his birthday she picked him up. Then the next day dropped him back off at my ex-in-laws! They called me because they could not keep him. My husband and I have full time jobs and I have to pay a sitter to watch him while I am at work. My grandaughter goes to daycare. On a side note~ my son the father of both of them is away for 6months.~ The mother never even called my grandaughter on her birthday and NEVER even calls to see how she is doing. I have my grandson now for the last 3 weeks. I have not heard from the mother. I have no way of getting ahold of her. I live in Ohio. I have checked into a few of the laws and I'm pretty sure she has to go 90 days without contact before I can file for abandoment. I'm lost on what to do! I want my grandson to have a nice stable and loving enviroment that his sister gets! Also ~ when I got custody of my grandaughter ~ the mother testified in court she was not living in a suitable home to raise a baby. Now she is on goverment assistance and gets her own apartment ~ so I don't have the same case to get him. Any help or suggestions would be great !! Thanks!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jacquelyn - posted on 06/14/2011

3

0

1

Hire a P.I. and have proof of what she is doing on these "vacations", my assumption is that drugs are involved. My prayers go out to you and your family and those precious babies!

[deleted account]

Honey, I feel your pain. I had the same situation except it was not my grandchild but a stepchild. His mother was a crack head. Came and went, came and went, his entire life. she would get custody, I would get custody, over and over, evry time she messed up. She could only last about 4 weeks and he would be back with us. Sounds like you may be dealing with the same thing. Have the courts involved. it is time. Fight for the boy. NEVER stop. I had so many court cases and so many fights that my folder ended up a foot high. I know it is a hard thing to go through, and I know it is not easy, but in the long run it is worth it. My stepson, is now 30 yrs old. He even went through a stage where he hated my guts(he wanted his mom to be like me, but she wasn't), and after I divorced his dad, I was still there for him(he was about 17 then). He got in trouble with the law....I helped him. I was there for him, no matter what. I was his stable link to life. I tried to instill values when I had custody of him. Show him right and wrong. Show him love.

4 years ago, his father(my ex, and my daughters father) died of alcoholism. 3 mo later, my stepsons mother was killed in a drug deal. Again, I was his only stable link in life. He had a breakdown. Came to live with me once more, and we worked through it. He is now 30, has custody of his 3 and 5 yr old daughters, and is working as a a/c heating tech, making killer money. Taking great care of his kids. He has great values and has learned how to enjpy life. He quit school in the 9th grade, never got an education, but he is ok today. Long hard road getting there, but I NEVER gave up. He lives 150 miles away from me, but he comes and brings the kids 1x a month to visit. He has finally found his place. Making great money and is self reliant.

Do not ever give up. Ever. even when things seem like they cannot get better.

God bless you. and do not forget, God looks after us and we can turn to him anytime we need to.

I will pray for you.

Dawn - posted on 06/27/2011

11

32

0

Don't stop giving the hugs and kisses...and all the I love yous that you can say. Spend the quality time with him, and even when he is in a hostile mood, remind him that his behavior is inappropriate and unkind, but that no matter what you will always love him. While it may seem he's not hearing or getting the message, he is. It is a very tough place to be at that age with such an unstable lifestyle - created by the mother with choices. Parenting of a child is not a when you feel like it or mood choice - it's all or nothing, and it appears that the mother is totally not giving it her all, which is not in the best interest of the child - focus on that - that is what any lawyer, child services, family court official or judge will say over and over...making decisions that are in the best interest of the child. I think that you have a very strong leg to stand on since you have full custody of the first child - thankfully so! It is obvious that while some aspects of her life (the mother) have changed, her inability to prioritize and focus on the needs of her child has not. You sound to be extremely organized, a very loving grandmother, and someone who is devoted to making sure these kiddos have a great life despite the mother's behaviors. I commend you - the mother could learn a great deal from you - but it would appear that her fun takes priority over being a devoted mom.

Sarah - posted on 06/27/2011

59

3

13

Please try to remember that you are the best and most stable thing in both these childrens lives. You are doing an amazing job and perhaps in time your grandson will realise what a gift he has in you providing a stable and loving home for him. I think you are doing a wonderful job and that is what you need to keep doing. Just be there for him as much as you can. And get as much help from the state of Ohio as you can. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your grandchildren.

Kelsey - posted on 06/23/2011

18

14

1

I agree with everything! My Mom had a situation like this with my sister and my nephew...though we are in a different state...about her visitations with her daughter don't they cut them off if she misses a certain amount? in NC it's three visits...that will work for you even though she seems stable if she is giving up on one child the courts might use that against her. Also if there is a week that you dont hear from her maybe even less time you should look into filing for emergency custody since you cant contact the mother and have no idea where she is. And think about turning her in to social services they will start an investigation and decide if she is being the mother she should be for her son. they might also set up counseling to help with your grandson's disconnect...they had to do it with my nephew. Just be warned that through the investigation we learned a lot of terrible things about my sister so it might get dirty. Definitely talk to social services, lawyers ANYONE and everyone because it will all be documented that you are concerned for your grandson and in that they could potentially start their own investigation on her. I hope the best for you and those grandbabies! I'll be praying for you!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

18 Comments

View replies by

Lucinda - posted on 06/27/2011

5

25

1

I have to say that you are an awesome grandmother for doing what you have for your grandchildren!! I grew up in foster care from age 5-18 and I was bounced from place to place about the whole time... Do what ever you can in your power for your grandbabies so that they don't have to go through what I did! You seem like a very strong women and I believe you are headed in the right direction!

Patricia - posted on 06/27/2011

56

0

0

she's using the child as a weapon, perhaps as a man bait and as a meal ticket. you can have that wishful thinking that if you don't rock the boat she'll see the error of her ways but until she takes that ACTION it is not happening, today at any rate. the children should not be made to suffer so. i don't even want to think of what could happen to a child whose mother doesn't even know the type of people he's being exposed to. write down everything that happens and for the last month go visit someone she might not know where they live. unfortunately when someone is so selfish and emotionally abusive it's because the mom has issues. you r such a good grandma the boy needs sports and pre-school the same if not more so than the girl. your lawyer will tell you you need to put a notice in the newspaper about gaining full custody but he can't tell you which newspaper. i put a notice while i was living in boulder co and the man was in mass. oh well... that's our system, lol! good luck my prayers are with you...

Ellen - posted on 06/24/2011

99

5

5

Hard situation Pray Pray Pray just be a good grandma to both kids. She seem to know the law and their is not much u can do. Just love them as much as u can and try to be as nice to ur daughter because u want to see ur grandson as much as possible.things will get better remember he can live with u when he gets older by choice and God will do what is best. She may mess up, good luck

Angie - posted on 06/24/2011

5

17

0

Thank you soo much! Still no word from her! Will call the court today about the Emergency Custody and see what I need to do! Thank you!

Kimmy - posted on 06/15/2011

121

12

7

I would take her to court. If she leaves him with you for weeks then picks him up and drops him off the next day that is ridiculous. And he is old enough to be in preschool and she hasn't signed him up ? That is just dumb. If it were me I would go to a judge and explain the situation to him and see if you can get custody.

Amanda - posted on 06/15/2011

1

32

0

This actually brought tears to my eyes. I agree with everyone else document everything and when you can try and get in touch with someone to find out if there is anything you can do. You have had custody of your grand daughter for 5 years. That will be something that should help you.

Hope everything works out for you and your grandbabies.

Angie - posted on 06/14/2011

5

17

0

Thanks ~ I do document everything for both of the kids ~ phone calls and all! I have been documenting since the birth of the first one! That was another great thing at the hearing for custody of the oldest. The mother had nothing to dipute anything I had! I just worry about his stabilty. He has major issues when it comes to affection and self contol when he is angry. Biting ~ punching ~ hitting head on walls really hurting his self! Hugs just aren't natural for him nor is giving him a kiss ~ it's like he is just diconnected. Breaks my heart! Just give him as many hugs and kisses as I can!!

Michelle - posted on 06/13/2011

1,606

10

227

Document everything. The fact that she drops him off for weeks or months at a time is not a stable parenting situation. Start asking a lawyer. Be careful though some judge sees her as a fit parent you could lose your grandaughter too. Talk to a lawyer and get a feel for how strong a case you may or may not have.

Carly - posted on 06/13/2011

245

41

26

I would call social services immediately to start the documentation process, don't wait 90 days for her to come pluck him out again. Note all the other times and have them contact the ex in laws too. This is totally unacceptable. God bless you for stepping up to take care of these kids.

Also, as a caregiver, your state may provide daycare assistance or vouchers (most do), so I would ask social services about that. You should be receiving some sort of state subsidy to help care for these kids, and they should be getting medicaid insurance as well.



Edit- I looked it up, Ohio does provide subsidized childcare assistance http://jfs.ohio.gov/cdc/Page4.stm but you have to get the ball rolling. They probably have a wait list. You should qualify for your granddaughter too.

[deleted account]

Keep documenting everything you do for him, how long you have him, how much contact she has w/ him while he's w/ you, etc.... EVERYTHING. Speak to a lawyer about any of your possible options.

I would hope that you would be able to get custody of him as well, but I'm also concerned about the possibility of HER getting your granddaughter back if her living situation has changed.

Documenting everything and speaking to a lawyer seems to be the only thing you can do right now. Good luck!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms