Has anyone had to deal with their ex brainwashing/alienating their preschooler against them?

Amy - posted on 04/26/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Basically almost everytime my 4 year old daughter comes home from visits with her dad and his fiance', she has a negative attitiude towards me. She will say hurtful things, such as comparing myself to her dad and his fiance'. I'm worried that her dad may be trying to turn her against me, and have her favor her soon to be step mom more than her own mother...and she is only 4 and a half years old.

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Michelle - posted on 04/27/2011

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Being a child of a mother that put down my Dad the whole time all I will say is let her know that you love her. DON'T say anything bad against your ex or his fiance.
It wasn't until I was older that I sat back and saw what my mother was doing and that my Dad never once said a bad word about her. I have a lot more respect for my Dad because of that.

Show her you love her and don't react at all when she says those things. She will stop saying bad things about you if she doesn't get a reaction and knows it isn't true.

Good luck.

Caroline - posted on 04/26/2011

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She probably gets more attention saying those things so try and not let them make you upset. Speak to your ex and tell them that your child needs all of you to be friends so that she can be a happy child. You might not get on anymore but your child shouldn't suffer because of the change. As a parent and step parent it is important that the kids know we all bring something different to their lives and that there is room for everyone x

Mandy - posted on 04/26/2011

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I would have to say it would be best to let your daughter know she is loved by the both of you,but that it is hurtful when she comes home from a visit and talks in such ways to you. Never get mad at her,but let her know that talk like that is bad and hurtful to the ones who hear it. Also she probably has no idea why she is talking this way to you it is misplaced anger and hurt. She needs an outlet for her anger and her confusion that dose not involve targeting you. Art works good for this. Just a thought.

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Jaycie - posted on 04/27/2011

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Whoa... a tough one. I too have a 4yr old daughter who comes home with an attitude after visiting her father and his girl on his weekends. I would hear things from her like "Remember when you broke up with my daddy and he left me" "bad, bad mommy, you broke up with my daddy" or if i told her no then of course "ill ask daddy then" Ok FIRST id like to add that i didn leave her daddy he left us, and it takes everything in me not to remind her of this fact when she brings it up but i dont. and SECOND im thinkjin "wtf is he telling her" well turns out I talked to him about it and she apparently has been telling him the same things and hes been wondering the same as to what I have been saying to her. So i talk to her doctor because I am afraid she may be having emotional issues because the situation. Doctor says this is normal.. Her brain cant process the situation for what it is, shes too young. every once and a while she may figure it out but they forget quickly and there brain starts to process all over again until they reach the acceptance level... which takes a different amount of time for different kids. And my daughter acts up bad at home, but is a saint at school and with her father. doctor says this is normal too, they are always going to push their limits more with us because we are their comfort zone... As for the adivce the doctor gave me.... Talk her father up... ALWAYS talk his Fiance' up.... ALWAYS... let her know its ok for her to like them and let her know you like them too... eventually she will see this as you all being equals and stop comparing. Be and always act as though you are a team. NOW my daughter doesn say harsh things (as often) in fact she tells it like it is.... "my mommy and daddy dont live together any more becasue they cant... and now I have a mommy a daddy a ___ and a ___" She sees that there is a whole team of people to love and support her and to be there for her etc... and its actually helped my relationship with my ex. we can actually hold a conversation... hope this helps even just alittle

Amy - posted on 04/27/2011

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I really appreciate everyone's insight. I have a 15 yr old daughter with whom I raised on my own; this is a totally different experience for me. I too have a fiance' who would NEVER say anything negative towards my daugther's father, and keeps his opinions of him to himself despite how he feels. Thanks again for all the great advice moms!

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