help

ZULAIKA - posted on 02/22/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone, I have never been on anything like this, but I need some support and advice. My son's father left me when I was 5 months pregnant. He knew where I lived , where I worked, where my family lives. He denied that my son was his and told everyone at my job that I was sleeping around. He was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend who has 2 kids for him as well. I ended our relationship by telling the other girl. I did so because I was so confused and wanted to protect my baby. I was with him for 3 years and we worked together, he never once did anything nice for me , not one time. But he stated he loved me, and I fell in love with him. i was very naive. Anyways, he was still with his girlfriend. I just wanted him to leave me alone and I felt telling her was the only way. they both tried talking me out of having my baby, to the point I felt like he would harm me cause I lived alone. I took him to court when my son was born , he took a paternity test and has to pay child support now. When we showed up at court, he told the judge he doesnt want any visiting rights. I thought ok. All of a sudden around january 15 2012, his ex girl emailed me how sorry she was for sending a letter to my parents house calling me a slut. She said she wanted to thank me cause she wouldnt have what she has today, she left him and was with someone better, I forgave her and talked about letting the kids meet each other. That same day she contacted me, he shows up at my job, speaking all ghetto. I feel like the only reason he confronted me was cause his ex contacted me and he felt better. He sent an email to me asking if he could be in our sons life, I said I need some time, so I took 2 weeks. I responded to him ok, but you better make sure you dont flake out. We agreed he would see my son 2 times a week by my house. So he saw him twice. Last friday he didnt show up and when I called him he said he had to work. i asked him when was he going to tell me ? I could have been making other plans. Then I told him I couldnt do this anymore. He threatened me with taking me to court for visitation rights. I never stopped him from seeing our son, but I cant bear to see my son ever being hurt . Then on monday he send s me a text about how he doesnt feel comfrtable seeing him at my house. I was so surprised cause we just made plans for his visits, and I felt so happy my son will know his dad. He called me at 5:30 yesterday asking me if im coming. I said what? He said to the park, I said no, thats on friday. You were supposed to come here today. He got mad and hung up and went home .He is making this about him, instaed of my son. So now he decided he wont see him 2 times a week, just on fridays, cause i wont let him see him outside my house. He is making all these demands now as if he has been there all along. He is getting to know my son, and should be taking advanatage of all the time he gets but hes not. I dont want to do this anymore. I dont know who to turn to, or what to do. I just dont want to be playing this game anymore. I wish I never had him take the paternity test

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Heather - posted on 02/24/2012

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Go to court ASAP and file for custody. Because if you don't, his dad can take him at any time and not return him to you, if he files first. You could lose your son if you don't get something in writing from the court ASAP.

Marian Lydia - posted on 02/25/2012

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I'm sorry for what both you and your precious baby has to go through. I agree, a father should get to know his son and vice versa, but he gave up that right when he said he didn't want visitation rights. I think you are being quite noble about the entire situation however, if he really wants to be a part of his sons life he would do it on your terms until you are satisfied and comfortable enough to allow him to see him elsewhere. Get a lawyer, like I said if he really wants to be a part of his sons life, he would do whatever it takes to make things right. This is about your son not you or his father, but whats best for him and his safety.

Kristine - posted on 02/24/2012

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Mediation is always a good option and they can also supply a cps worker to supervise the visits if ur scared of him which it sounds like u are. I would also go and make a statement at the police station about the threats and jus so they have something on file. As much as u may want ur son to know his dad do u really want him to go through his bullshit and ur unhappiness as well? Good luck hum hope it all works out for u :)

Samantha - posted on 02/24/2012

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Girl I have been in a similar position before and totally understand what you are going through. The thing is sometimes talking to people doesnt bring any solutions as people will get joy from your problems but coming to your issue currently my suggestion is as follows:



Drill it in your head and accept everything that has happened as painful as it was / is you need to accept that you have a child with him and he is the father.

Both of you need to sit down without the child being there where you will not shout at each other an if he shouts relax and stay calm you are only there to discuss the child and what is best for your child.



In your statement you say my child and I can see you take much ownership of the child , girl you can be the sole bread winner etc but one thing remains without him the jerk that he is you would not have your child. So as I said accept his father as he is Im not sayin get back together but acept him .



When I went through stuff my religion also played/ plays a key role as it always helped me to pray about my situation and somehow I slowly became at peace and slowly he became more responsible.



Your child is not a yoyo to be drawn into your spats and the truth is at times you cant always protect him from the truth of whom his father is. A child needs to see his father at times and yes sometimes feeling the pain that he didnt pick me up so one day the child doesnt resent you when he says your mom never wanted me to see you etc . Theres a saying that says to catch a thief you need to be a thief , in this case always be a step ahead of him dnt think short term think long term .



The paternity etc was a good move that will one day prove to your child you had to go through such lengths so his fatehr could be responsible and take accountability for his own child.



Darling , now on his visitation rights legally you have every right as he declared that he doesnt want any visitation rights himself but as you want your child to know his dad I would suggest that you be frank with him send him an sms/ e:mail stating that for now you ask for baby steps . As he is a stranger to his son hence the child will need to adjust and so do you all he cant go from non existant to full time or when available dad and in his surroundings and be polite even though he deserves to be told off . Best wishes and e cautious when around him he seems like a volcano about to errupt

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April - posted on 02/26/2012

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As horrible as it may sound, whatever you decide, talk to a lawyer and/or do it through the court system. He sounds like someone that would twist things around on you. Cover your back, so to say. Your son deserves to know his dad, but if he's only going to act as a sperm donor, then allow your son some time to understand things for himself as he gets older and is able to communicate what's going on when he's with dad and/or what he's feeling. At this young age, there's no way for him to properly communicate things. It's too easy for things to go real bad, real quick without your son realizing it nor being able to do anything about it for himself.

Laura - posted on 02/24/2012

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I don't think you want this man in your home anyway. What about setting up supervised visits (ie supervised by a third party in a neutral place)?

Katherine - posted on 02/24/2012

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There's a saying that says to catch a thief you need to be a thief.







Love it!

Alberta - posted on 02/23/2012

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Catherine ia right...get the lawyer or contact your legal aid and they can give you some suggestions. Becareful and better safe than sorry

Kari - posted on 02/23/2012

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I agree with Katherine, you need a lawyer. I would be a little suspicious about the way he's acting. From what you have explained it kind of sounds like he has something up his sleeve. Be very careful about what you do decide to do. If you think that its ok for him to see your son just take precautions, he sounds like he may try to take him I think that's why his so called ex contacted you. Just talk to a lawyer see what they want you to do.

Katherine - posted on 02/22/2012

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You need a lawyer. Someone who can provide supervised visits if need be. Either way he won't be paying child support if you don't get a lawyer and that's his responsibility.

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