HELP Very Concerned MAMMA!!! with two concerns???

Sue - posted on 12/14/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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my daughter's 3 year old check up was today. we just switched her to a different practice because her doctor was highly recommended but close to retirement age and we found to not be up to date on information to our standards. she has had one other visit with the NP for constipation a month or so back, but this was the first well baby visit, I was taken back and very uncomfortable when she looked at her vagina area and moved the labia, it didn't feel right to me. I have never had a visit before where they looked there unless there was a yeast infection. It made me not want to go back. I should have questioned it now, but don't know how I would go about asking after the fact, "so um, yeah why did you look at my daughters vagina". Is this a normal part of a 3 year old check up? It's not mentioned in my parenting books on what to expect for checkup at this age. Other than that most of the checkup went great, my daughter was comfortable with her, and didn't cry and scream like she has at her old doctors office if anyone came near her (she was not comfortable with the vaginal exam, but let her do it without a fuss, just stiffened up and looked to mommy, and I was caught off guard, and didn't want to make my little one uncomfortable at all, so I told her it was alright, the doctor just had to check her body). The only other thing I wasn't happy about was one of my concerns not being addressed. I feel like my husbands family has pressured us into putting her into preschool before she's ready, and I wanted the doctors opinion on how much longer, if at all, to continue trying preschool if she still won't interact while she is there. She rarely talks, and then only one word per the instructors, and doesn't usually interact with the kids. My little one did not want to leave the house to go to preschool today, and was grabbing my legs and crying when I first tried to leave. I should first explain that she has been in preschool for about 5 weeks, but her school is 35 minutes away, my SIL wanted her to go to the daycare home she used, and apparently she talked to my FIL and MIL, and between them they all agreed that she HAD to go to preschool now. She is very shy around strangers, and takes a while to warm up to family (except if there kids). Personally I just think it's her personality and nothing to worry about, I was extremely shy as a child, and am not now. When I take her to the park she feels comfortable enough to play with the other kids and talk with them, but at preschool she does not. Personally I feel taking her to the park and around other kids does her more good than preschool if she isn't going to be comfortable enough to interact. They pick her up the day before, usually in the late morning or early afternoon, and then we pick her back up the next day, so she has gone from being home with mommy and daddy all the time with the occasional babysitter (who is always family), to being gone. She use to love going out, be it to the park or shopping, now she doesn't always and will put up a fight sometimes on getting out of the house. I try to talk to my husband about it, but he just says "they just love her a lot and want to help", I feel like they are overstepping healthy boundaries, they are the Aunt, Grandma and Papa, not their parent who should be making these decisions without having guilt trips from family members who believe otherwise. My husbands side of the family does not agree with us having an only child, which cannot be changed, she is a miracle baby and I cannot have another, and I am very happy with one precious angel to take care of and be blessed with having in my life. Am I being oversensitive on these issues? It's so hard to talk with my hubby, we've had a rough year with my health and finances and our marriage is not what it was. He doesn't seem to want to talk about the issues that concern me. I don't feel like there is anyone that I can talk to about this. And one more concern that is keeping me up worrying tonight, my SIL knows some of the staff at the doctors office. I thought she only knew one girl who works the desk, and when the MA took me to the room and asked me my concerns, I told her my concerns about preschool and that I was feeling pressured by family to send her. Toward the end of the intake she made a comment about if she could have afforded, or had someone else pay for it, she would have sent her little one to preschool. So now I'm worried that what I said in the doctors office will get back and my in laws will all be upset with me. If I had my own family to fall back on this wouldn't cocnern me as much as it does, but I grew up being abused by a parent, and within a couple weeks of graduating high school moved out and cut ties with the toxic relationships, and because I don't feel comfortable telling the rest of my family about the abuse due to my mother having mental health issues and history of suicide attempts they all believe her lies that she says of me. Wow, really had a lot to get off my chest, I'm hopping someone will see this soon and be able to say something that will help me.

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Ana - posted on 12/17/2012

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First of all, your inlaws have you scared. What are they going to do to you if you don't do things their way. She is YOUR daughter. You and your husband are respnsible for raising her to the best of your abilities. Family members are there to help, but the help has to be welcomed.

If you want you daughter in school, send her, if not disenroll her. Usually husbands don't care too much as long as it doesn't hurt the child in any way.

On the other hand, sometimes kids take a while to get adjusted to school. Kindergarten should not necessarily be her first experience with other kids outside of the park. She will have to learn to be in a classroom full of peers and follow a schedule at some point, but you can gradually get her into that.. often times part time preschool is better, or home pre schools are better, again it depends on the parents preferences for their child..

if you want to know what the dr checks for during the first well baby visit, ask them...they check for diaper rash, signs of abuse neglect, disease, etc...in and around the vagina...amongst other things..kids don't like it, but it's usually quick...but if your dr is a weirdo, just voice your concerns, and choose to be reassigned....

You say you are not a shy person, but you can't even ask your dr or nurse why they looked at your childs vagina? And your daughter is in preschool and you don;t want her there...

Not trying to be hard on you but please understand that you are human, but your confrontation skills needs to be built up, I have been where you are at, and life is not going to get better for you or your daughter until you learn to speak up for her...and yourself...

Building your self esteem and your personal inner power as a woman, then a wife andmother is going to take time, but it is something that you will have to work on, because today it's dr stuff, tomorrow it's more serious and you still won't have the courrage to take on any of it.

A good piece of advice that was given to me was "BE WILLING TO DISAPPOINT OTHERS TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD."

Your family is your own, other people had their chances to raise kids the way they wanted to, now you need to raise yours the way you want to, I'm not saying not to listen to advice, but think things over before giving in, make sure it's your decision so that you will be happy with it, never say yes right away, say, i'll think about that, or keep that in mind and let you know..

Sorry this is so long, I just could not leave the page without telling you how I really felt about your post.

I pray for the best for you.

Gigi - posted on 12/15/2012

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I agree with the first response, but just wanted to add to your reply. It is very nice of your in laws that they would help with your daughter if you needed it. That said, their offer of help does not come with the price of them making decisions you disagree with. She is YOUR child and you get to make decisions.
If they choose to withdraw their offer of help if you take your daughter to another preeschool, then you should be on your guard, because it probably means other problems would come up in the future.. Sit with them and talk, thank them for their help and tell them that you will sign your daughter in preeschool that is closer to your home. That way she can make friends with local kids. Stand up for yourself. If they want to spend time with her, by all means they are welcome, but your daughter ultimatelly has to be comfortable with it - if she doesn't like sleep overs at their place, they can spend time other ways - zoo, walks, lunches, playgrounds. Plenty of things that kids like to do with their granparents and still come home to sleep.

Sarah - posted on 12/14/2012

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To answer your first question about the check up....yes that is normal for them to check. Many times the doctor will explain what they are going to do, so it does not frighten the child and then also explain about who should be seeing their privates....keeping it short and simple as they are young and don't need a lot of information (unless they ask) or a lengthy discussion.

As for the preschool part. I think starting preschool at age 3 yrs is good, but there might be some changes you need to do to make your child comfortable. I would change the fact that she is having to be away from home in order to attend this preschool. My question to you is is it the fact that she is going to preschool that she does not like or the fact that she is away from mom and dad for the night and day? One thing as a parent you have to do is parent your child....just because SIL wants her to go to that preschool does not mean you should be sending her there. You are the parent and have the choice where to have her attend preschool. If she is a shy girl preschool is really good for her. This is the perfect time for her to be learning how to interact with others her age. Much of 3 yr old preschool is that socialization part. I personally would find a preschool that is closer to you so you are able to drop her off and pick her up. I think this would help as it allows her to only be away from you and dad for a couple hours. Finding one in your area will also give her a chance to meet other kids that she will eventually be attending kindergarden with, which makes that transition SO much better.

As far as the worker knowing your SIL. What you say to a worker in confidence at a doctor's office by law can't be shared with someone outside of that office. That is your right to privacy. If they do share then they put themselves at risk of being sued or even losing their lics.

You and your husband are your child's parents. Others can give their opinions and advise wanted or unwanted, but ultimentally it is your decision on how you raise your child. Sometimes that will mean that you will get dirty looks, or the talked down or back to, or the guilt trip but you have to stay strong and do what you feel is right for your child. Sometimes setting that boundary and sticking with it then lets family know that they are not allowed to overstep your athority. Some families can just naturally be overbearing......they don't know they are and don't try to be, but that is just how everyone grew up (including the grandpa's and grandma's). They don't understand when you don't want to have that input (or in their minds support). That does not mean you should not set those boundaries just realize that you may get the back lash for doing so in order to do what is best for your child.

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Sue - posted on 12/17/2012

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that being said Ana, I do need a kick in the butt AND the support from my husband to do what I feel is right, but I think he's so afraid of upsetting family it took him seeing me making post like this to realize just how upset I am, because apparently discussions, with tears, weren't enough, but reaching out to others for advice and hearing that it's okay for me to make my own decisions and I'm not a monster for not wanting my child in preschool (which is what it was described to me as, but in actuality it is a daycare, and from what i've observed run like one, not a preschool)

he has finally agreed with me that as long as i do at least one playdate every week i can pull her from "school" but he doesn't want me to tell anyone, he is going to, and after christmas.

i don't think there was anything wrong with the daycare, but i just didn't get the right vibes, i guess i'd call it, about the place. it's seems safe enough, not too many kids about 8-10 and two adults, who seem very caring. but it just seemed like unstructured play, without as much encouragement as needed that iv'e seen from the daycare providers for my daughter to play with others, or for them to try and involve her. I will be going for the full 2.5 hours on wednesday to observe. I tried last week to go and observe, but she pushed me out saying since it was the first drop off it was important for me to leave right away.

Sue - posted on 12/17/2012

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Thank you for your post Ana, your right, I'm not good at confrontation right now.

Before my health issues I was more than adequate ;) at making my wants and needs known, but with dealing with this chronic condition that has taken away my ability to be a nurse, to work and support my family, to keep the house clean on my own I have definitely lost a lot of my self esteem and confidence. I use to be the main breadwinner in the family,the one to keep the house clean even when my husband was a stay at home dad (he cleaned, just not to my preferences), and I was almost always the one to make any major decision. The reason I couldn't say anything to the doctor is I was so upset and mad at how it was handled, and when it comes to my daughter I am VERY OVERPROTECTIVE, the mama bear in me wanted to lash out and yell at her and call her a moron for not doing it right, but i couldn't do that with my child there. especially because she told my daughter everything else she was going to do before doing it, but not that,making a clear difference in the rest of the check up and the vaginal area check up. As a survivor of child abuse I am glad they look for it, but it wasn't handled well at all, especially with the NP not wearing gloves! as I said before, I'm a nurse, you just don't do that. I didn't know how to express it without blowing my top in front of my little one.

And the reason i'm afraid of confrontation with my in law's is because one of them have told me in a passive aggressive way that someone in the family may try to take my daughter away, without saying who it was. Yes I have health issues and have to have help from my husband cleaning and cooking dinner, and I have had a few flair ups that make it very difficult and one case impossible for me to take care of her, and I reached out and asked for help and she went to families house for a few days to close to a week each instance. I'm terrified that if I stand up for myself with them, and go against what they want they will try to take my daughter away. And I know they couldn't, that just because we do not have as much money as them, and I have health issues does not mean they can take her away, but one they are the only family we have and I do not want to lose them, (and not just because they help us out with watching our little one when i need the help); second if they tried something like that I don't think I could ever allow them back in my life or my daughters; and third if they did try to take her away we haven't the funds for a lawyer and that is stress we do not need, my 3 year old does not need.

I can be very upfront to the point of being blunt sometimes, but it's hard to move past that fear that if I don't keep them happy they are going to make my life difficult. Threatening that someone may take away my daughter is the worst thing you could do to me, even worse than living with a disabling medical condition that keeps me from the job I love and being able to do as much physically as I would like to. I've gotten my husband to open up a little bit, and he wants her in preschool or playgroups. I had tried a playgroup before, but it was right the diagnosis, and I still hadn't learned how to manage (still learning), but now I know how my activity will affect me, and how to better ensure that I will have a good day, where I can drive and chase after the little one for a couple hours.

Sue - posted on 12/14/2012

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I think our biggest hurdle right now, is because of my health and not having a steady income for the past year (have been fighting for my disability pay, and had to apply for SSD) me and my husband have had to sit down and talk with SIL+ spouse that if we ended up homeless if they would take our little one in. We are use to being on my salary as a nurse and are now down to just my spouse's and he makes less than half of what I did. I want to stand up for what I believe we should be doing, but they have been arguing with such force, and because of my health and our financial situation at the present we need them. She is the only family member that doesn't work that can help out on pretty much a moments notice. We can't afford for them to get angry with us and either we don't feel comfortable sending the little one over or they don't want anything to do with us.and have even said passive aggressive comments such as if I'm not able to work, have to ask for help occasionally for a day or two at a time and I'm on so many meds (which all of my doctors know I take care of my little one,and that is considered before any med is written or filled. I've had to turn down the pain meds that would help because I do not feel comfortable taking them and caring for her) someone in the family might try to get custody of our little one. They scared me to death when they corned me and my hubby about my health. I recently had a really bad flare and had to ask for help from them to keep the little one for 5 days, and since then they just seem to believe they have more say in what happens. They signed her up for preschool during that time, with our signatures of course. But they way they worded it made me feel like I didn't have a choice. They made us feel guilty for having an only child and not having her around other children her age often, like that made us horrible parents.

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