Anne - posted on 06/12/2011 ( 21 moms have responded )
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Ok so here is the situation. I have a five year old daughter. I had her when I was 20 and my mother helped out ALOT when she was first born since I was parenting alone. She would take her on Saturdays when I worked, help with laundry and other stuff, and we would hang out all the time. She spoils my daughter ROTTEN just like a grandma should. However, she doesn't listen to me when I ask her not to do certain things. One example is when I started giving my daughter an allowance I asked her to refrain from buying her EVERYTHING she asked for at the store. I was trying to teach my daughter to save up her money to buy something and when I told her "No, you can save your allowance and buy it" I would get the response from my daughter that she would just get Grandma to buy it for her. I would tell my mother not to and still she would come home with the said toy. Now I have given in on alot of the things because I have learned to pick my battles.
I have since gotten married and had another child. All while dating my now husband my mother had nothing but good things to say about him. The day after my wedding we were at my father's house where my daughter pushed her cousin. My husband (who has been acting father since Lexi was two) brought her into the house to give her a timeout bc she refused to say she was sorry. Lexi then threw a giant fit and we didn't give in. We are a non-spanking family and discipline through taking privileges away and giving timeouts. My mother called the timeout abusive and left in a fit. That night she called me and the first words out of her mouth were "I think your husband is abusive". He has never hit her and is a very loving father. The issue is that my mother is feeling replaced by him and in her eyes my daughter can do no wrong. She complains when Lexi acts like a brat for not getting her way but then gives into all her fits. We have since had two blow-outs where my mother has called us bad parents, threatened calling social services, and all kinds of other nasty things. I personally do not want to let my children see her when she won't listen to anything we ask her to do/not do. That and when my daughter gets home from Grandma's she refuses to call my husband "dad" and insists on calling him by his name. He has been "dad" for over 3 years now. I know grandma is very important in her life and I know she would miss seeing her but I don't want Grandma feeding lies into her head or have her keep undermining our parenting. Sorry this is so long. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. I am at a loss of what to do. Oh, and us all spending time together so that I can monitor the time together won't work because we can't be she ends up telling her she can get/do stuff before asking me and when I have to say no i end up the "bad guy"
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Jennifer - posted on 06/12/2011
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Sorry, IMO that sounds ridiculous that your mother is behaving that way. It seems kind of child like and very immature. Social services aren't going to do much about a parent giving a child a time out. Would she rather he push her back like she pushed the child? I actually tend to ask my daughter if she would like it if I did the same thing she just did to her sister and she will say, "No." I'll ask, "Then why would you do that to your sister?"
I honestly think that if my mom did that to me that I would not let her see her if she continues to undermine you. Bottom line is it is your child, not hers. If she were disciplining your child for something that would be a different story, but she's not doing anything but causing problems. And as for the part where your daughter refuses to call her daddy "dad" when she comes home, that's just sad that your mother is playing those kinds of games. She's doing more harm then good in more than one matter. The main thing isn't whether or not he's biological, it's whether or not he was man enough to take on a role that another boy was not.
Grandma's importance pales in comparison when it comes to her mother or the one who took on the role of her father unless those people aren't doing a proper job. Your child is safe, fed, clothed, has a roof over her head, and is taken care of. She's overstepping her boundaries.
Jennifer - posted on 06/14/2011
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Grandma needs a timeout or supervised visits only. We have one very simple rule when our daughter visits grandparents..she has the same rules to follow at their house as she does at ours. If they decide to do things differently and not follow our rules (minor infractions overlooked, a little later bed time, a bit of something with sugar to eat, etc.) then they get supervised visits only. The first time we are corrected or what we say is contradicted by a grandparent then we just gather our things up and leave. That stops any arguing back and forth and sends the message that we will not tolerate being undermined as parents; it is our daughter and our rules.
Debbie - posted on 06/13/2011
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First of all Anne..Im sorry for your mom's unwanted behavior. I too have a 20ish daughter w/ a toddler. I was very vocal about MY needs & expectations of her & my son in law regarding parenting skills, babysitting, how to live etc..I was placed in timeout! ( not speaking to me for many months) I realized "thier life" was not my life, and that was'nt "my baby". In other words... You cannot tell anyone how to live thier life.I have a better relationship with them now because I completely respect thier family. I am just lucky to be a part of it. My grandbaby turned into a toddler & she nothing like I remember..What a valuable lesson I have learned. Maybe your mom needs a time out..No more than a few weeks tho. Good Luck & God Bless!
Schyla - posted on 06/12/2011
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sounds like Grandma needs a timeout. It is possable to do this without causing a scean just simply say NO when your mother wants your LO to come over you do not have to give a reason just a simple No I'm sorry We cannot do that will suffice. When your LO asks to see Grandma simply say that now is not a good time. When My children behave badly I use a better choice chair instead of a timeout because My oldest has sensory overload and timeouts are used for calming down. If your Mother wants to behave like a child then by all means treat her like one. I've dealt with a difficult mother my entire life and I only live a few blocks away from her now because My Brothers need someone stable to be there for them. When she's medicated she's a very plesent person but without the meds we're talking HIGHs and lows. So give Grandma a Timeout and don't make excuses just make the choice that less time with grandma will make your family happier in the long run.
Julie - posted on 06/13/2011
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i know it sounds childish but i think your mother is jealous. she has been your HELPER really and now you have your husband she needs to cope with the fact that once again she is like the empty nest mums. you have grown up again and left. talk to your mum and let her know that you have apreciated the help she has given and that you will still depend on her from time to time because she is your mum and you love her but it yours and your husbands job to set boundaries rules and consequences for your child and that she needs to learn to respoect your rules and any form of consequence that comes out of it. my mum see's my kids as an extension of me and as such was always interfering and undermining me then one day i lost it and told her rudely (which i shouldnt have done) but she got the message and has been a Grandma not another mum to my brothers kids (mine are the eldest) explain to your daughter also that you are the parent not grandma and that she will do as you tell her and that she is not to run to grandma when things dont go her way that it is rude and not nice. limit the time they spend together for a while so they both have time apart and realise that they are not the be all and en all of each others lives. we all love our mothers but they need to be told to respect your wishes when it comes to your kids and if they cant do that then keep their mouths shut. as for your husband and her i know that one from personal experience. my mum liked my BOYFRIEND but now doesnt like my HUSBAND how a few words and a ceremony change people ha ha they are still the same people its just they seem to have taken a bit of us away from our mums and mums cant handle that. mums think they are the only person that we can rely on and find it hard for us to be with any one else they cant let go but they need to learn to do this to allow us and our families chance to grow and be happy. you really do need to talk to your mum about how you feel and hfow she is behaving before it gets worse and puts up barriers between you all.