how do i get my daughter to listen to me instead of her dad telling her he's the BIG BOSS? He's drilled it into her head and she doesn't listen to me.

Amy - posted on 10/04/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My husband has been drilling into my daughters head for the past year that he is the BIG BOSs and then he'll tell her she is the little boss. Whenever he kids with her or talks to her, he says Who'sthe BIG BOSs and she says "you are dad", but I'm the little boss. OK, I didn't think it was a good thing at all to tell her because we are both her parents and she is almost 4 years old and this teaches her whos in charge and who isn't in charge. I say this now because its become a major problem. Where do I fit into this??? I am a stay at home mom but send her 3 days a week to an excellent childrens learning center from 9 until 3 or 4. she needs that interaction with other children because she is an only child plus she learns so much. But when she is with me and I ask her to do something or tell her to do something, she says "You're not the big boss, Dad is". ALL THE TIME. and wil refuse to do anything I ask. I tell her now there are no bosses in this house and that I am her mom and her dad is her dad and we are her parents and she will listen and do what both of us ask her to do. But when her Dad gets home it gets worse because I ask her or tell her to do something, she says "No, your not the big boss , Dad is and I don't have to listen to you" i tell her in front of him that Dad is not the BIG BOSS and that i am her mothre and when I ask her to do something, she needs to do it. Then sahe refuses and goes in the den with her dad. He does not enforce what ask her to do like I do with him. If he ask her to do something and she comes to me and says Tell Dad I don't have to do...such and such...I say "Sophie, you need to listen to your dad and do as he asks' Then we both as parent s are in unity raising her. But when she goes to him and says tell mom I don't want have to pick up my toys, he doesn't enforce what I ask. And I tell her again and she reminds me i'm not the BIG BOSS and I tell her there aren't any BIG BOSSES and that she will do as I ask. Then my husband doesn't tell her anythingthing with a firm voice to do ask I ask. He's passive like its no big deal and she picks up on those vibes. Then she sits with him and doesn't do anything and I end up walking off so i don't get mad because I know Sophie is confused about who is in charge and who she should listen to. Its not her fault. its Tims and mine for not putting a stop to him saying that to her for the past year. she honestly believe he's the big boss. She tells her nana the same thing and says her Dad is the big boss and she doesn't have to do something. And my mom reminds her real quick that he isn't the boss at her house and she's stopped mentioning it to my mom. she respects and loves my mom. But she does not do anything I ask her to. He has confused her and made us not seem like a mom and a d dad, as equal parents to her. She thinks hes in charge and I' not. I've talked to him nice, then firm, then mean, then said he's brainwashing her and confusing her and its only hurting her and he is definitely disprespecting as a parent in her eyes. How do I stop this. He still mentions it to her when he'll just say "yeah, but I'm the big boss". God, I wished he stop. Talking to him does no good so that advice won't help me. I don't know what to do. I need to put her in time out but don't know how. I don't know how to show more of an important and euqal parent to her. She looks at me as weak because she just goes to her dad when I ask her to do something and tells him to tell me swhe doesn't have to do it. and he is just passive about it. And I say, "Tim, tell her to do ...." And he says in an uninterested voice and low key, "Sophie, go do it" And she doesn't and he doesn't say anything. i go in there and they are watching tv as if i never asked her to do anything. Please help me get control of this. i know this was long and repetitive but I don't know what to do. I've got to make her listen to me. i'm starting a star chart today for lsitening and helping and doing what I ask for each day. and after 7 stickers she gets a small surprise. i've read books but nothing is working until he stops telling her hes the big boss but the damage may already be done. Can I make her stop thinking this with no help from him. hes just a man with an ego and he's head of the family and wants everyone to know it and it not like that these days. we are equal parents raising our daughter. But i have her the majority of the time. He works alot and long hours so she is with me. please help. thank you.

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Michelle - posted on 10/05/2012

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I didn't read it all as it's hard when there aren't any paragraphs but I did get to where he doesn't make sure she listens to you.



He needs to back you up every time like you do as it's just enforcing that she doesn't need to listen to you. He also needs to sit down with her and tell her that she needs to listen to you and do what you ask. It would help coming from him since she does seem to listen to what he says.



Have you discussed with your husband about backing you up?

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Michelle - posted on 10/05/2012

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How does he treat you? If she sees him telling you what to do and you doing it then it also gives her the message that he's "the boss" and whatever he says goes.



It sounds like you could all do with some family counseling. He needs to realize that he needs to be consistent otherwise he is giving your daughter mixed messages.

Amy - posted on 10/05/2012

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yes, i have tried talking to him and it does no good. he is like talking to a brick wall.we are not on the same page concerning sophie. he's much more passive at times and at other times if hes tired he's very strict about the same situation he was passive about to her. it confuses her alot. it makes me very angry. she needs consistentsy from both of us all the time not just some of the time. she does listen to him more and i don't know why. I enforce rules with her and ask for respect to but i don't get it. she acts very mean to me and just wants her dad. this makes him feel good i think and so he does nothing.

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