I am not sure what to do. Got any ideas that can help me ?

Anita - posted on 03/25/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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As many of you know I am a mother to my god daughter Angel now since her mother has passed away. Well I am having some issues and I am wondering if you all can give me some advice. First I am a signal parent so I have no extra help the way someone else would. Second I have had angel for a month and a half now. Her grandparents wanted her well I had surgery this last Thursday however they did not keep her through the weekend but they called me Friday night at midnight and said that they where outside. I was really mad that they did not keep her like they said they would to help me out with Recovery. Through the weekend I had dizzy spells and a lot of pain in which I can not take anything for because of that I am pregnant with my first biological child. I can only take Motrin in very small amounts. So over the weekend Angel started yelling, hitting, and throwing things at me whenever I would not jump for her. I feel like a terrible mother right now because I have been getting really upset with her really. easy. So the issues are do I let her grandparents even have her when they ask ? What do I do about the hitting?
Issue two we have found her father and tomorrow we have a meeting with him to see if one he wants to be in her life two for visitation and things like that. I am not sure what to expect I have spoke with him one time and one time only. He seems like he wants to be father which is wonderful however my issue is how do I handle sharing her? How do I get Angel to understand at my house we have rules that maybe different at her grandparents house or her dads. I have not been through this before so I REALLY need help. Thank you.
Anita

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Anita - posted on 03/26/2013

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marylee,
I like the head start idea I should for sure try that and see where it goes I have her in a home base childcare center now but I am looking for something that is going to work for me and the father now that he wants to be here for her which I feel can be both a good and bad thing. Congrats to you on getting your Education on I am currently in college and hope to be finished here soon :)

Marylee - posted on 03/25/2013

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Hello,
Im a foster child. So I can only speak from my end. Everyone needs to sit down w/o Angel and discuss "rules". There seems from your post, that there is a lot of change going on. Encourage a routine and be strict. Example: Monday and Wednesday grand parents have her. Tuesday she sees her dad at 4. Friday library at 10:15 etc. everyone needs to have the same rules or she doesnt see them flat out! you are the mom!! You need to use time outs. Have a naughty chair or stool. She sits in that if after 1 and only 1 warning (1 min gor every year). Buy an egg timer so she can make a connection between the sound and get out time. Dont use the word bad, follow through, set her up for success ( meaning if you dont want her to touch that pricy nick nack, put it in your room), get her into activities (idle time creates bored children-which then they act out). And show her you are there for her. Your life will be changing real quick with that new baby. So show her that she is loved not the step child hidden away in shame. Oh and maybe a therapist. I am a mom, a nanny, and soon to be grad in Education. Reach out to your communities head start programs so they can connect you with help. Great start program is awesome. Lots of help.

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Anita - posted on 03/26/2013

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Marylee,
I am her caregiver by law and in the court it states that her father has only temporary rights to her due to his drug use therefore we had to go through mediation today. he told me at the meeting that he does not want to take full custody of her so we are doing shared custody which for me is very hard.
As for the report I am going with my lawyer tomorrow to file it because you are right and because I do not want to have issues later on. I am going to get the book thank you so much for passing it on to me.
anita

Marylee - posted on 03/26/2013

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Hello,
Please stop me if I offend you... Are you Angels legal care giver through the court? Was she ever a ward of the state? Please report them to DHS/social service because just like everythjng else, one needs a paper trail to prove that they are abusive and unfit. If she was a ward of the state they could only be trying to collect a check. Still check out the oaklandcountymoms.com site. I know its not in your area but it might give you ideas on types of groups to join and parent tips. Dolly Parton offers free books, so check out her imagination library program -again its free books from nb-5 years old. She has a wonderful book called "I am a rainbow" which helps little ones identify emotions. Great start collaboration is a national program, may or may not be in your area. Check your city's online headstart information to see if you meet the requirements for Angel to go. Most programs are 3 yo+ some start at 2.5 if 100% potty trained. I wish you the best xo

Anita - posted on 03/26/2013

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Marylee,
I live in Northglenn Colorado :) I am going to call a head start tomorrow after I speak to the father about if he wants to go with me to the appointments to look at the head starts and figure out the money issues we will face. I would like her to go at least three days a week for the socialization and things like that.
Pressing Charges is what I am really thinking about doing because you are right they are going to fight me for her which is upsetting in itself due to the fact that they have not really been a part of her life from the start I know that because I was Joy's best friend and we spent a lot of time together and talking.
Thank you soooo much for everything the replies I have gotten so far are really helpful and I have enjoyed learning from other mothers out there.

Marylee - posted on 03/26/2013

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Hello,

Great start is an amazing program. Im not sure what city/state you live in. But the play groups are free. Right now Hazel Park lib has a class on Wednesdays at 12:30. You can try oaklandcountymoms.com and get hooked up with activities. Troy gymnastics offers open gym for 5.00 an hour. Check out their site. An 8 week class is 120. I read the other reply, please press charges. They most likely wont see jail time, but be placed on the DHS list of child abuse offenders. Which for you means that if they try to fight you for custody of Angel they wont get her. In home day cares can be amazing, they offer more 1:1 time then regular day cares but maybe check out care.com to see if a nanny/sitter could be better for you. Now that you will have 2 children -it would be cheaper. Also, by having someone in your home- Angel will have better structure and can stay on her routine per your house rules. Children mimic behavior so do get her into activities so she can see and learn social behaviors. Good luck in your journey.

Anita - posted on 03/26/2013

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Ana,
I have just found out that the father wants to be in Angels life so we are starting next weekend with the back and forth thing. Today I sat down with Angel and we made a rule poster together she seemed to really understand it. I have spoken with the father about the rules I have and he respects them I think that its going to work out for the most part I am just worried about Angel and how she will be act with the change. As for the grandparents they decided last night that they wanted angel so I told them they can have her over for dinner and some play time and bring her back to me by 9. They decided they did not want to bring her back so I got really mad called the cops and the cops seen her grandmother hit her so now I am in the boat of do I press charges or let it be BUT they are not having my DAUGHTER and Angels father agreed to this. Would you press child abuse charges on the grandparents ??
I am hoping that the over emotional period will pass after I have my baby girl. Congrats on your baby by the way:) I am thinking about putting her in Counseling would you? I am trying my best to be there for her because I know that this is not an easy thing for her at all what so ever.

Ana - posted on 03/26/2013

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Hello, My middle name is Anita too..

Ok, So you are her mother now, that means you make the rules for what she can do at ANYONES house... your rules come first..

Her father (if he gets involved) must respect this as well as the grandparents..

Yes... share the load. Let her see the grandparents, he dad and other family members as well. It will help her to recover over time.. and you are going to need the breaks while you are pregnant.

I just had my baby 11 weeks ago.. I also have a 2yr old and let me tell you it was hard parenting for me while I was pregnant... I was very emotional and needed breaks often.. good thing is it only lasts during the pregnancy..

Let the littke girl act out.. she did just experience DEATH....this is hard for a child.. she may even need a bit of counseling.. just put yourself in her shoes.. she needs you to be her best mother..even when she isn't the best acting child...She needs a life of stability and things for he will begin to normalize.. she'll be more comfortable..

It's ok.. she's blessed to have you.. and you are blessed to have her.. she'll be excited when the baby comes and she'll want to help you out.. better days are ahead...be patient and allow her to heal....Don't put any great demands on her outside of normal stuff, especially when she meets her father.. if she does not want to be around him... then just give it time, maybe in a few months she will feel different... patience is key...

Take care..

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