I do not know how to cope with my boyfriend having a child. please some advice? :)

Mariah - posted on 06/16/2013 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Ok so here is the deal. i met my now boyfriend almost a year ago. We officially became official in april because i was scared to commit. He is a great man and is wonderful to my son. But he has a daughter, and i hate saying this but i dont think i can accept his daughter. i love children and i would never be cruel to her its just the fact i guess knowing she is from another women bothers me. And I never had a relationship with a man who has a child so i don't know the best way to deal with this situation I know this might sound selfish and heartless but i feel it would be best for him to just give here mom full custody.Since she has been giving him a hard time seeing his daughter. Can i have advice please.??

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Ruby - posted on 06/21/2013

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I'm sorry ladies but in this situation I really do have to chastise you all for your irrational and over opinionated unhelpful comments that do not have much in the way of bearing. Almost all of you have failed to understand thinking patterns, the primitive brain and survival techniques that are ingrained in us from the beginning of wo/man. You have also failed to look at a saying that is repeated most often in our society of "Walk a mile in another persons shoes in order to understand their situation." To throw out opinion without thought or contemplation can be very detrimental to another persons self esteem among other things. So for future reference ask yourselves is what I'm about to say a necessity in the situation? Or am I going to do more damage than good? Have I honestly thought about what this person is going through? Have I tried to walk a mile in her shoes?

Ruby - posted on 06/21/2013

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Your welcome. The world now days does not often take into account how our primitive territorial brain works in such situations. Often times its a matter of getting our brain to accept that said situation is not in reality an actual threat. Our brains in this situation as females will view another woman and child of our male companion as a threat. We as females tend to pick our partners not necessarily for their looks or how they are it is more a subconscious decision of our brain toward weather or not he would make good offspring. So essentially if you are able to get to the root of the problem then your able to deal with it in a more peaceable manner. By understanding how the primitive brain works you are then able to overcome those thoughts feeling etc that seem so irrational at the time. When really they are coming on due to primitive survival type reactions.

Ruby - posted on 06/21/2013

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Yes it is true that many will not think about the primitive brain and how it works. However it is still an instinctive subconscious thought process we have. Despite how far advanced as a society that we are. Those primitive territorial issues that we still have today are engrained over many generations for survival. Just like young children don't like to try new foods. If you think about it and you can still witness this in third world country's today. Generations ago young children were often left home alone while mom and dad foraged for food. So instinctively for survival they wouldn't eat anything new. We still operate subconsciously on those self same survival instincts today.

Now as for your question, yes it would be territorial issues on her part. By talking negatively about you she is in fact trying to manipulate the situation to always be in her favor. She views you and your children as a direct threat to her offspring, mate and future. Now to be quite frank she probably has no conscious thought to the fact that she is doing it. In subconscious realization on her part she knows that he knows you far better than she does and has an unrealistic, unfounded fear that he could try leaving her to go back to you. Now as you and I both know that is not going to happen. Subconsciously she doesn't realize that, though consciously she may. Therefore stemming territorial unfounded fears, which cause issues. Being we all still have the instinctive fight and flee reactions. She's essentially in a fight reaction over these unfounded issues of hers brought on by her primitive instincts.

More or less referring to your last paragraph you are correct. Yet sometimes to bring to realization what the brain is doing can sometimes help those having those issues to bring realistic thought process to the fore front of the mind and help resolve these subconscious thoughts and feelings we all have. Aiding in making better relationships and shutting down the primitive processes that cause so many problems by being aware of it.

Ruby - posted on 06/19/2013

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Here is the easiest advice I can give you on the subject and it is much easier said than done. Erase her mom from your mind deal with the mom only when you have to. Focus on the child's aspects you really like to help you accept her. Become friends with the child herself. You'll find over a couple of months that it will become like she was never competition in the first place and you'll grow to love her just like she was yours.

Amy - posted on 06/17/2013

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What if he said the same thing about your son? Would you consider it? It's bit fair to your boyfriend or his daughter so if you can't accept that he had a life before you than move on and find someone without a past. Besides what if he gives up his rights to his daughter and something down the road happens to his mother and he has to take his daughter full time, do you think his daughter is going to understand why he walked away from her so easily?

If you can't accept the fact that he was with someone else and now has a child then you really shouldn't be in the relationship.

18 Comments

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Teresa - posted on 07/07/2013

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If I were single and dating being a mother with my two sons, if you can't accept my kids you don't accept me. Being a mother yourself you will understand this. How do you think it is so different for him? Just because he doesn't have her all the time doesn't mean he doesn't love and think about his her. If you think the mom should have full custody because you can't deal with it then you need to think again. If you want any sort of relationship then how can you accept a man that would give up his own daughter? Thumbs down on this one.

MissMommyMay - posted on 07/02/2013

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Accept that he has a daughter love her or get out of his life. Making him choose in unfair to him and his daughter.

Shauna - posted on 06/29/2013

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Ruby,

I'm sorry, but everything that you have said in all of your posts are making me upset. You are making excuses for Mariah by saying that everyone thinks that way, that it's the primitive thinking. You are ridiculous. She is telling her bf to basically give up his daughter because she can't deal with the fact that he had a child before he met her. She knew that he had a child before she got serious with him, that if she couldn't deal with it then she should not have gotten into a serious relationship with him. You also want to criticize all of us for what we have to say and how unhelpful we all are, but you are just making excuses for her and telling her that its ok to make her bf give up his daughter and make herself first in his life.

Shauna - posted on 06/19/2013

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Well, I agree with the other posts about you trying to make him choose between you and his daughter. I'm sorry but if someone ever told me that I had to choose between them and my child, you best believe that their butt would be out the door. How dare you make him choose. How do you think he feels about you having a child by another man. Maybe he has the same thoughts as you, but he is the bigger person and is dealing with it. I have been with a man that had a son with another woman and I had a daughter with another man and now we have a daughter of our own and we have been together for 3 and 1/2 years and just recently got married. If you can't look past the fact that he has a child, you may never find happiness and you will regret being selfish and heartless, because you would have let the right one get away. So quit being so selfish and heartless and love him for who he is and besides it's not like you didn't know that he had a daughter before you guys officially got together. So therefore it is your fault. If you can't look past it then you should have never gotten with him officially.

Denikka - posted on 06/19/2013

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His child comes first. Always. You are just a girlfriend..and a very recent one at that. You say you've only been together since April, that's less than 3 months. At this point, you have ZERO right to have ANY input into the relationship between him and his child.
If you can't handle it this early in the game, then get out. He doesn't need that and his daughter sure as hell doesn't deserve it. And if you're willing to be with someone who is so willing to just walk away from his child, I can guarantee you'd put up one hell of a stink if the two of you had a child and he did the same to you and that child.
You have only one role in this relationship at this point, the unconditional encouragement and support for him to be as involved in his child's life as possible. If you can't do that, then leave.

Danielle - posted on 06/17/2013

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If you talk him into giving her full custody your a terrible person. You should encourage his relationship with his daughter and be happy that he is a good dad. I think your being very immature about it and if you can't be a grown up perhaps you shouldn't be with him.

Kristen - posted on 06/16/2013

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i understand what you are saying about with how he don't get to see her much but i fhe don't fight and try to be in that little girls life then she will resent him and i don't know how old she is or anything right now but over the years the situation with the mother could change and she may be more willing to allow her in his life. Mothers who don't let the fathers be in their kids lives piss me off. I have never kept my kids fathers from seeing them and the one i have two kids with actually owes me over 12 grand in back child support but still let him see the kids cuz i do it for the kids not for him. I just think about the kids in the situation and thats who is most important, not the mom or the dad or mom's bf or dad's gf but the child/ern are always the ones who should be thought of first.

Mariah - posted on 06/16/2013

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No its ok I understand once I posted this up it would probably bother people but I jus ned advice from ppl. I never once told him to give up his rights as a father he asked me if he should do it n I told hkm no . Because that would not b the right thing to do. But this has been bothering me for a while. Honestly I never attened to be with him because he scared me when he told me how he used to cheat on women and how he never loved anyone until me. N I notice he had changed n he was there for me . So I started to love him jus because he was there when I had no one. So now that I want to be with him it scares me to loose him because he does have a child . I dont want to be cruel and tell him to give up his rights but what is the point of continuing a relationship with a child u don't c ? . I know it sounds selfish. But honestly its how I feel n if I can change it I would . But I can't . :/

Kristen - posted on 06/16/2013

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not to sound rude but this sounds selfish on your part cuz that little girl no matter what you feel or what her mother feels has a right to know her daddy. And if you really cared about him and say he is a great man then you would never ask him to give up his child. I have 2 children by my ex boyfriend from highschool and they have two sisters by two other mothers. i am not in a relationship with him anymore but they are my kids siblings and i deserve to know thers siblings and i love these kiddos as well even siblings of my kids' sisters. I know its hard to think about him having kids with someone else but the fact is it has happened. now wouldn't you want him to just as good of a dad to his own flush and blood child as he is being to your son? if things get serious with him to where the future has a wedding and children wouldn't you want those future children to be able to know all their siblings. I hope i don't sound to b**chy on this subject but think about it this way how would you feel if he told you "i can't deal with the fact that you have a child with another man, I think you should give his dad full custody". I veiw it this way when you enter a relationship with someone children that you are not just excepting them for them and entering a relationship with them but with their child/ern as well. I really hope you don't take this as being mean or anything not meaning that way just stating how i see things from looking outside in. Somethings way i say things seems mean or rude to some people but am not meaning it that way just want to to think about it and think about if it was other way around that it was you in his shoes and he was thinking you should give up all your rights to your kid. how that would make you feel and then think about if he is really willing to give up his kid for a woman what kind of tather that would make him? My ex husband did this pretty much, i have one son with my ex husband and he now sees him maybe once ever 3 to 4 months if we are luck and its just for a weekend cuz he choose to go be with his girlfriend (who does not have children and is in her 40s and don't think she wants kids honestly) and not be close to his son where he could see him regularly and i have never told him he couldn't see him and actually ask him all the time when he is going to come visit. he didn't even come see him for Father's Day Weekend even though it was his weekend to have him. I guess thats why its a bit of a touchy subject for me cuz it hurts my son to not be able to see his daddy and i am thinking of that little girl and how it would make her feel if she didn't get to see her daddy anymore cuz his girlfriend wanted him to give up his rights to her. i hope your not offened by this and if you are i do appoligize.

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