My childs father is being released on parole soon. Should he be allowed to have contact with our child?

Resa - posted on 02/19/2012 ( 29 moms have responded )

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My daughter is turning 2 in a few weeks. Her father has spent the last ten months doing time for charges like terroristic threatening, DUI, and violating his terms of parole for felony offenses. As of now, her has not been granted any legal or physical rights to our child, he is not obligated to pay child support and has made no efforts to do so. When my daughter was born, I joined the military in an effort to prepare for being her sole provider. She has been in my care for all of the two years of her life, minus the months I spent training for the military, and she has no significant bond, relationship or attachment to her father. What do you all think? Has anyone been through a similar circumstance? What were the results? What should I do to protect my daughter?

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Mommyof2 - posted on 03/01/2012

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My advice is this- If he or the people he hangs out with are a danger to her or you, then I wouldn't let him come around. If he's not then set up times for him to visit, but make it the same time and same day every week or every other week. Whatever works for you and the "'dad. " He may or may not come. If you chose to not let him see her than she may blame you for not knowing her dad when she gets older. But if he's allowed to see her and doesn't show up she'll eventually realize what kind of person he is and can make up her own mind if she still wants to see him or not. I've gone through a similar situation with the father sometimes coming around. It gets harder dealing with this as they get older. Good luck! i hope everything works out for the best!

Caroline - posted on 03/25/2012

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Wow what a difficult decision, do you know the guy? is he going to be a positive influence or will he be an undependable and disappointing figure for your child? People aren't perfect and we all make mistakes but, knowing your parents make mistakes is sometimes very helpful for development in that the child is more accepting of themselves. We do want our kids to see the best in us and think the best of us. I think it's good to show them that people all change, we change for the better or we change for the worst.

I would ask the father to go to some parenting classes and make sure he is willing to become the person you think deserves her time.

My daughters father was not permitted to see her because of domestic abuse charges with me. The court ordered he attending counseling, *he never went.* So in my opinion he is not deserving of her affection,.. She is now 17yrs old, is an honor student, doesn't have any interest in drugs, drinking, sex or breaking the law in any way. I find her witty, respectful, polite and brilliant. It is truly his loss. My little girl has grown up to become a beautiful geek. She is a little hottie, I literally have boys crying to me that she wants nothing to do with them. It's a wonderful feeling to have people compliment you on your parenting skills and you know you've done it all yourself and in my case it was a lot of help from God, I couldn't have don't this good of a job on my own. It was a ton of hard work and still is but, I am a good worker and she is so worth the effort. I am sure she misses having a father in many ways. We just take it one day at a time. I always tell her that the bible says that God is our father and even people with the best fathers can loose them. Life isn't fair but we can make it be a good life, I tell my child I love her at leased ten times a day. It's most important that they FEEL love not that you just love them but, they feel it. E-mail me any-time. I did it alone, and so far I did it well. witko@live.com

Resa - posted on 02/28/2012

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He would come down once a week for the first couple months, then slowly the visits started to decrease. When he managed to make it down it was evident that he was hung over and he would mostly sleep while a my home. (Reasons why I left him in the first place and refuse to let him take her is due in part to his alcoholism)

Kay - posted on 02/19/2012

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Only you really know the circumstances of your daughter's father's incarcerations and mental state. Really, you are the only one that can make this call.



My older son's biological father was very unstable. Although never arrested, he did beat a kitten to death and demonstrated in multiple other ways that he was a volatile individual. His behavior only worsened during my pregnancy, and since leaving him, I have not (and will not) look back. When my son was sixteen months old, he contacted us wanting to see him. I turned him down. I truly felt it was the only way to keep my son safe. He has not pushed the issue since and moved across country afterwards. I made this decision based on what I knew of him, and I don't regret it. Someday, I hope my son understands, but part of me is still afraid that he won't.



Good luck.

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Nadine - posted on 03/30/2012

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I - have had a similiar situation - my daughters father was in and out of jail and I believed it was in my daughters best interst to not see or know her dad. I have sole custody and he has called maybe twice since she was born - I think we are better off not knowing a man I do not respect or like and if may daughter is angry later on in life well I am prepared to deal with the consequences. I do not want financial support from him and I am very carefull not to be on the internet - no facebook etc. Just to be on the safe side - I am her mom and if I was not there for her her dad would not have been either. I owe it to her to keep her safe and happy - not being dissapointed by a dad that does not care.

Andrea - posted on 03/28/2012

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From personal experience. If he wants to be apart of her life allow him to do so. Don't punishment him again. If he is not a pedophile or abusive, all him to interact with his kids. Together develop a plan together on raising and contacting the kids. The plan should benefit the child.

[deleted account]

I would suggest to do what's in your heart. Your daughter should get to know her Dad, it's only fair to her, however, having it be a supervised visit type of situation would be my suggestion. If you feel that he's in a violent way then I would obviously say no. I'd feel out the situation with him, get him to court to help with child support and play it by ear. As long as he's not putting your child in danger, I don't see the harm in easing into a relationship if that's whats wanted by all parties. Good Luck!

Memorie - posted on 03/04/2012

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If you think its safe and your ohkay with letting him see her while you are there...maybe meet at a local park or something like that so you can see and hear whats going on. Also it might make you feel better knowing hes not bring your baby around anyone that you dont trust or anything...At least until he has proven to you and the courts he has changed and that you can trust him with her...he really should be doing something to help though...like buying diapers and wipes...if not pottie trained yet...or a couple outfits...maybe some juice and food for the little one if he doesnt have the money to pay child support yet. He will eventually need to get a job to pay child support though. Its up to you really :] do what you feel is best for your child, but make sure its in your childs best interest and that you feel safe and ohkay with the choice you make.

Resa - posted on 03/04/2012

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I don't have any concerns with the possibility of my daughter resenting me in the future. I do plan on taking legal action to have everything put in writing. Her father was at her party yesterday, and he scared her to tears. It broke my heart to see her in fear of the man who calls himself her father. She cried and was afraid because to her he is a stranger. I'm not concerned about being accused of inducing PAS because before his conviction I have never denied him the right to see my daughter, and the reason he was away for so long was his own doing, I didn't put him in jail. He did that to himself. If he turns himself around, more power to him, but until I see the day, I never want to see my daughter being made to 'play house' with a total stranger just to soothe his own guilty conscience.

Maren - posted on 03/04/2012

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I can understand that you are in a tough position. The best thing you can do for your daughter is not deny him his right to see his daughter. If you are afraid for your saftey, and that of your daughters, you need to go through the courts for a no contact order. If you just deny him, and it is not court ordered your daughter may come to resent you for not allowing her a relationship. Even worse if he dose manage to turn his life around he could take you to court and you could lose custudy do to Parental Alienation.

I would set up a weekly/ bi-monthly time and place to meet, it is then his choice to see her or not. You may even want to take a male family member/ friend with you, but not allow him to bring anyone other than his parents.

I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.

Resa - posted on 03/01/2012

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Thanks. It has come to my attention a few days ago that he is keeping in contact with a lot of the other inmates after his release, and one in particular has even revealed an intent to visit with him once they are released. Its clear hat he still isn't making good choices in people he surrounds himself with. Not only is it plain poor judgement but it is also illegal and against the terms of conditions of parolees. This is his SECOND time on parole so he knows better and doesn't seem to be doing any better so far than the time before. So I think supervised visitation will be in order, if that at all. -_- I'll be he bad guy if it means my baby is safe.

Nicky - posted on 02/29/2012

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i feel that way sometimes to. he has always wanted to be back with me and he hates that im happy and have a great guy in my life. if hes not happy he doesnt want me happy either.

Nicky - posted on 02/29/2012

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i still talk to his sister & my son still plays with his cousins sometimes but when i talked to her thats what i said. i told her if anything at all he will have to come to my house to see him or to a park or chuckie cheese & if my son rejects him then i will not force him to visit with him. i guess ill have to make that decision when the time comes im just scared for my sons happiness. hes so happy and smart and growing up just fine with his step daddy in his life. his step daddy has done more in the past 2 1/2 years for him then his "real" dad has in his whole life. hes the perfect role model for my son and im so greatful for that!! he brings him fishing and rides on the four wheeler. they go "worm hunting" at night, he just does all the things that a daddy is sopposed to do. so my son isnt missing out on anything. i just dont know what im going to do if my sons father just shows up at my door someday

Nicky - posted on 02/29/2012

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hes charged with CPCS ( criminal possesion of a controlled substance) in the 3rd i believe. its a felony charge but hes also getting time for running from the police for 6 months and his girlfriend ( or possibly ex now) is on house arrest for hiding him out. im going to write him a letter telling him what i think about the whole thing, when he wrote me a letter he said he would like me to tell him how i feel and be honest. which ive never had a problem telling him just what i think so i think thats what im going to do and see what he says from that. he did say that he is trying to get his life straight while he is there hes doing some camp called "shock camp" to try to get out sooner but im insure how that works

Nicky - posted on 02/28/2012

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no he doesnt have any. he is not on my sons birth certificate and we have never been to court. i want to keep it that way so he really has no rights. if he wants to see my son that badly he will have to take me to court and fight me for rights. the only problem i have in the back of my mind and heart is my son, i dont want him to grow up thinking i kept him from his father and blame me for not knowing him. im scared of that! i dont want my son to resent me because of it :( although he may understand the situation when he gets older but you never know.

Nicky - posted on 02/28/2012

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i just recentley posted something like this also. my sons father is eligible for parole in june of this year & when he gets out he wants to see my son who will be 4 on march 21st and he hasnt seen his dad since he was 2 1/2 and only about once or twice every couple months from the time he was 1 - 2 1/2 which was the last time he saw him. im also unsure what to do. my son doesnt remember his dad. such a sad situation, i hope you find the answers you are looking for & i hope i find mine.

Resa - posted on 02/28/2012

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The last time he saw her was ten months ago when he went to jail. Give or take a few weeks.

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