My husband refuses to have another child

Kathy - posted on 06/25/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have always agreed to have 2 children close in age. When we had Olivia 2 1/2 years ago, we still felt the same way. I lost a child at 12 weeks of pregnancy in January 2009 and he had also told me then not to worry and that we would try again soon. It has now been more than a year since then and he has admitted to me a couple of months ago that he does not want to have another child as we had agreed. I feel very hurt and betrayed and I am now very confused and questioning if I should not leave him. I am not sure I will be able one day to accept his decision. Please help. I do not want to hurt my daughter but the more time is going by the more I am resenting my husband and my feelings for him are starting to change. I have admitted this to him but he still insist that it won't do anything in changing his mind. Please help. I need good advice. Thanks.

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Nancy - posted on 07/01/2010

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Wow, a lot of really strong emotions here. Things change, life changes. We wanted 2-3 kids and I was 37 when we married, so we had to get started. After Rowan was born October of 2008, things changed. Having a family is not just about emotions. Money for us is an issue. It costs us $1000 per month per child when he has to be in daycare, plus, diapers, clothes and food. We couldn't afford to put another child in daycare. I work and primarily support the family while my husband struggles with his own plumbing/construction business that doesn't make much money. What he does make is inconsistent. My son was born 9 weeks early, spent 6 weeks in the NICU and I had the most severe case of pre-eclampsia the doctor had ever seen, which is why the baby had to come early. So, we are both terrified to have another child, in case it kills me, then he's a single dad of two kids with no mom! Not ok. People change their minds, life changes and you need to be able to change with it. Getting pregnant without his agreement is underhanded and sneaky and unfair to him for doing that to him, not fair to the child, since the relationship with dad could be strained or non-existant, and unfair to yourself because now you have to be mom and dad. You married your husband because you loved him, not because of how many babies he could impregnate you with. Leaving him because life has changed, is not the answer. It now leaves a child with divorced parents because of a child they never had and doesn't exist. That makes no sense to me. Your relationship has got to be based on more than just this one thing. I know it's crushing. I'm so sad that we don't have the daughter I wanted, but rejoice every day in the amazing son we have and that our family is together regardless of our money problems. Lots of things in my life haven't happened as planned, but I have to roll with it. If the marriage falls apart, the family unit does too. It's not fair to the beautiful child you have together now. I'd still persue more discussion with him to find out why he changed his mind.

Vicki - posted on 06/30/2010

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Hmm, well I don't think you are being selfish. You agreed on two beforehand. But I also don't think you should jump to divorce. My daughter is 16mos. Before we had her we said we would have two. When she was about 4 mos I started feeling I wanted another one. He said he didn't think he wanted anymore at all. It did seem to come between us awhile. But I backed off and just did alot of thinking myself. A few months later I brought up the conversation again. This time me telling him I'm not so sure I want anymore. Telling him my worries and fears. Like the labor, the sleepless nights, and most of all sharing my time with another. Then, get this...he tells me he understands. And he tells me his fears. Like watching me in pain in labor, being afraid of the marriage problems we had after the first one, being financially able to provide. It was a really great conversation and we have since decided to start trying when our daughter is 2. So all I'm saying is...maybe if you open up about your fears-I'm sure you have some-he will open up to you. There may be something in particular he is worried about. Once you know what it is you can try to mend the problem. I personally have prayed alot and have found peace in knowing I am happy with what I have for now and I will wait and see if in a few months God provides another. Either way, I love my husband and daughter and can't imagine life without both of them. Don't give up just yet...Best wishes.

Vivian - posted on 09/01/2013

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I think that PATIENCE can help, sure. I am in the same situation at 43 years. My friends and family and even OBGYN see no problem in me getting pregnant again. . .and i think a lot of risks escalate if both parents are already known to carry certain risk factors, especially. My hubby says that we do not get along and that i seem angry all of the time. I have wanted another now for 7 years or so. I would definitely adopt, but then, i see how my hubby has his hobbies and stressful work as a physician, and he is comfy spoiling the one he has with his time. He has no need for more responsibility.
It gets complicated when you don't want to resent, but i feel as if it is biological.. I try to be nice and happy, and esp for my son, but it is hard when i feel sad, and know that my son will have no siblings. He has only one grandparent, granny on dad's side. His extended fam lives 5 plus hours away. It is a chicken and egg scenario. I try to be happy with hubby but he always reminds me of what our family lacks,and what our son will lack in the long run--more people to love him and support him. . .happy chatter of other kids in house, a little chaos instead of the deadening quiet in our house i feel at times. . . . .It is really hard. I would consider foster kids too. but, my hubby says we don't even have a strong marraige, how can we think of increasing the # of kids. .. .but, when the issue goes on and on forever like that, it is hard to not be resentful...
My hubby is an only. I have 3 sibs. I hate the quiet lack of kids running around. . .and to top it off, we live in the woods!
I wish you good luck. Please consider expressing all of your thoughts to your hubby. A divorce means you only get to see your child 1/2 time in most situations. That is such a shitty alternative, eh? It is so hard. I wish you luck

Eva - posted on 06/30/2010

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I would tell him if you do not want another child like you said you did then I no longer want to be together as we planned on two children.

Amanda - posted on 06/25/2010

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Sit down with him and have a honest conversation, find out why he really doesnt want to have another child. Maybe he is just scared of another miscarriage, maybe hes decided you are getting to old. You have to understand his feelings also, and respect it. Not wanting to have another child, is not a good reason for a divorce. You are married, and it is both your responsiblities to understand eachothers feelings, and respect them, and find a solution (even if its not the out come you want it to be).

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Catherine - posted on 05/01/2012

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I think everyone here is missing the big point. The point here is how should she deal with the resentment because its not going to matter if they stay together or get a divorce, the resentment is whats going to be her worse enemy. I am in the same boat and me and my boyfriend fight constantly because I want a big family and more importantly I can tell my daughter wants a sibiling. I think in your case divorce is not the answer mainly because of your age. You will not accomplish anything by divorcing him (meaning you dont a baby daddy lined-up) however if you cant stand the sight of him becuase he lied and betrayed you (this is if he is acting selfishly and not fearing for you are your future child) then thats not healthy either. Find out his reasons and see if you are able to accept them, if not it may be best to part ways. GL I truly wish the best for you.

Karrie - posted on 01/26/2011

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I think I read that you are 39? My thought on this is a divorce is def. not the solution, unless you have a man on stand by to give you a chance to have a baby. At 39 you are nearing the end of your child bearing years. Also you are in a category of having increased risk chances maybe this is a factor your husband is thinking about. If you two can't sit down and talk it out well go to a councilor and work it out! You have a child together and a marriage try to make it work, to many people simply walk away when things get to "hard" or "upsetting". Think of your family that you have right now not the one you desire. While I understand you feel betrayed there is something unspoken in all of this. Best of luck!

Laura - posted on 01/26/2011

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I am in the same boat. Having to decide whether or not to continue the relationship and give up my dreams. I don't want to resent him for not agreeing to have a child together

Nancy - posted on 07/01/2010

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I would try to find out from him WHY he has decided you two shouldn't have another child. I am going to go out on a limb (not really reaching far) and guess that it is because of the miscarriage. I would guess he is afraid of losing another child, and doesn't want to go through the heartbreak again (or doesn't want you to go through the heartbreak, if he saw that it was particularly hard on you).
Talk to him, tell him how you are feeling, and find out how he is feeling and why.
Communication is the key!
Good Luck!

Denise - posted on 07/01/2010

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My husband also refuses to have another baby and here are some of the reasons.
He is going to have to look after Megan (our daughter) untill she is 30 years old because South Africa is in such a mess.
He is afraid that he will love the one more than the other.
He will not be able to send both to school... I am a working mother who help to support her family and I know that we will be able to provide.
The world is coming to an end and it would not be fair to have another.
The list goes on, just like you I'm at my witts end. I really want another baby and don't know if I will be able to make peace with having just one child, but I am still youngish and I know that if a woman puts her mind to something she can do anything.

Kendall - posted on 07/01/2010

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That's a tough position to be in. I have three girls and I feel complete, however, my husband does not. I do not have a problem having kids, but I don't really want more. *shrug* I hope that you are able to figure something out, but I agree...I don't think divorce is the answer for this. Sit down and have a heart to heart...try to figure out why he says no and let him know how desperately you want another baby. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 06/30/2010

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I dont know your situation really but could it be that he was completely heartbroken after your loss last yr that it scares him to try again because he doesnt want to feel that pain and loss again? Some men just cant express that kind of sorrow maybe try to talk to him about your loss and see if you make any break throughs.

Sammy - posted on 06/30/2010

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I don't think it's being selfish at all. You had expectations of a second child and feel let down that it hasn't been full filled. I agree you are blessed to have a healthy son and be gratefull with what you have. If another child isn't what your husband wants then thats ok too. You need to work out if this is something you can accept. By what you have said I don't think it is something you can accept. You need to look at what options you guys and have and if there is a compromise. It may be just he doesn't like the risk factors with pregnancy with your age. So is sarrogacy an option? But you guys need to communicate and be honest with each other. Good luck!

Richnetta - posted on 06/30/2010

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I have the exact same problem. My man doesn't want another child either. He won't even explain why. I am trying to live with the fact that I will only have one child, even though I always wanted more. I really hope you can work things out, for you, your husband and also your little one.

Briana - posted on 06/30/2010

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Don't leave him over something like this. To me you are the one being selfish. I don't want any flack for saying that either. When we got married we said we wanted 2. I was an only child until 14 and he had two siblings. However we thought we were going to be in the right place when we were younger. We weren't and I am glad for it. I am 33 and our son is almost 2. We have thought about having another but we just agree we are blessed to have the one healthy boy. If another one is in the cards then we will be blessed a second time. We were married right out of high school. Sit and talk with him and find out why. Why resent him if you had a good solid marriage before? Maybe he thinks he is too old, or maybe he knows the risks involved in a woman having another child at almost 40 and he is scared he will lose you! I mean really. Something like this is so silly to me. You can always adopt. There are millions of children in the US that need loving parents. I say quit being selfish and be grateful for the fact you have a healthy child! Many women would love to have a child and can't, we thought I couldn't yet were blessed with or perfect and healthy son. So sit and talk it out, if that doesn't work then try individual and couples therapy to work out your feelings of resentment.

Iztaccihuatl - posted on 06/30/2010

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I have been with my boyfriend for 5yrs and we have Max our only child. He agreed at first to have more but when Max was 16 months I was ready for the next one. I had potty trained Max, he walked and ate by himself but his dad didnt think we were ready. But really when is someone really ready? (financially) and why does everything have to be about money. should'nt it be based on emotions? well I have been ready for the last 3yrs and he is not. My boilogical clock is not really ticking but I wanted to finish by my 30th bday. So I am in the same boat! but I think that if he is not ready for kids with me (and we have one already) he is not going to be ready. So our "together clock" is the one ticking. I have waited for him but I feel trapped because he understands me but doesnt do anything about it. And the last thing I need is to have more kids with someone who doesnt want them. So my advice is to do what you think is right for you!

Phaedra - posted on 06/27/2010

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My husband didn't want another child. I made a deal with him. We would give it a year. If I didn't get pregnant than he could go get fixed. I changed my mind in there a few times about it and then November I told him he had till the end of the year. Well he did it in about a week. Pregnant while I am pregnant with our last child. Two weeks after I found out he went and got fixed. We talked a lot before and durning this pregnancy about his feelings. We came to an greement maybe that will work for you. What ever you do talk to him. You married him for a reason don't forget that.

Shayna - posted on 06/26/2010

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You definitely need to express everything you're thinking and feeling about this with him. Perhaps he doesn't know it is effecting you as badly as it is. He should be giving you more reasons as to why he doesn't want another child. If it comes down to it that there is no reasoning with him, then you have to think about what is more important to you, your marriage or another child. Do what makes you happy, and remember everything happens for a reason.

Zoraida - posted on 06/26/2010

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I just joined and saw your posting. I am 33 y/o and have one wonderful son. I come from a family of four kids, and never intended to have just one child. But, more and more it becomes harder for me to want to gear up for another child. Especially when I know I would only want to willingly/selfishly have a baby girl . . . what I want to share with you is that the more my hubster thinks he wants the four HE'S always dreamed of, the more I tune the conversation out. I want to be more of a lot - emotionally, physically and financially ready. Nevertheless, I personally don't want to be pregnant after this year. I am way too tired all the time running after my toddler now. Resentment goes both ways. I wish what I want mattered as well. Being a mother of 2 is not something I am willing to be pressured into . . . Just a bit of perspective, good luck!

Kathy - posted on 06/25/2010

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Thanks for answering my question. The only problem I have with giving him time is that I am 39 years old and I feel my child bearing years are running out since my menstrual cycle has started to change and my mom had her menopause at 35 (puts me at risk of early menopause). Also, I am having a hard time coping with the ressentment I have towards him. Nonetheless I understand that sometimes patience is the answer.

Mary - posted on 06/25/2010

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whatever you do don't push it on him my hubsand said he never wanted kids he knew i had one before we got together he was really not made to be a daddy then we had our son then he said no more i told him i wanted more he said no i stoped taking my pills told him i did then he got mad then we had another son then a littl girl he was mad so maybe just give him time how is he with your child now if he does not spend must time with her then he may just not have ment to be a daddy good luck though i know have four kids and the kids daddy loves them but does not spend must time with them so sometimes i feel like i have to be mom and dad also just dont push it on him give him time

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