My son hates his dad

Melissa - posted on 03/20/2011 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I am in a really tough situation at the moment. My 5yr old son does not want to go to his dad every second weekend as per court orders. I encourage him to go and so does my parents. He was to go to his fathers this weekend however when he turned up to collect him he went crazy. Please help, I don't know what to do????????

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Brandy - posted on 03/20/2011

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i agree with rachel you should try to check out the situation, maybe its not your son, maybe its the environment or could it be separation anxiety? is he like that when you leave any other time?

Brittani - posted on 03/29/2011

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Hi Melissa my name is Brittani. I just recently joined the website and your post caught my eye immediately. I am in the exact same situation also. I have a 2 & 1/2 year old daughter who does not like to go with her dad. We also have a court order of 50/50 custody. (his days are mon, tues. mine are wed, thurs. and we alternate weekends.) This has been her life since she was 6 months old. It is terrible. She screams when she has to go with him. She has even hid n locked herself in the bathroom! I also need help with this. I try to let her know that it is going to be ok and she will be home soon. but it just breaks my heart! Help!!!

Esteth - posted on 03/28/2011

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As a mother you never want to think the worse but from all that goes on now a days there really isnt anyone u can truly trust. There has to be a reason why your son doesnt want to go to his fathers like everyone has said look into it the situation something must be happening over there that has him this way. If you say he goes with everyone else with no problem but when it comes to his father there is a problem then trust that inner gut feeling as a mother and figure out for ur childs well being what is going on. Like they have said take time sit with your son and ask him have him open up to you you will never really know whats wrong until he tells u. I hope all goes well.

Amanda - posted on 03/28/2011

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That is a really tough situation :( As a mother the first thing you want to do is make sure your child isn't feeling distressed, or stop whatever is. However, as long as you don't feel like there is a reason to question his safety, it is important that he have a relationship with his father. If it seems like he isn't adjusting well to leaving for the weekend, you might want to start talking about it at the beginning of the week, give him a full 7 days to anticipate going. Start mentioning it non-chalantly while your making dinner or getting ready for bed... "remember your dad is picking you up this weekend, do you want to start thinking about anything you might want to bring", something like that. "Don't forget dad will be here tomorrow to pick you up." If he resists, it will be a great opportunity to bring up why he doesn't like it there or is feeling anxious. Don't push for a reason, he might just say "I don't know" many times. Stick with the fact that he will be going and it isn't an option. You can ask basic "does he make you uncomfortable, does he leave you alone, or do you miss mommy questions, but stay away from pointing fingers or speaking negatively because you don't want to have him learn to make excuses to get his way. Also, when he is brought home, or you pick him up, you can ask how his weekend went and maybe talk about that for a day or two. If there are any questions, speak to his father about what you are hearing. If the two of you can communicate what you are hearing on each end it might make it easier as well.

Rachael - posted on 03/28/2011

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I went through the same thing, but unfortunately there was a very good reason for my boys not to be with there father. They I think weren't capable until they got a bit older to understand and tell me. One was 4 almost 5 and the other was 6 yrs old. When they told me out of the blue I had the father arrested for second degree child abuse and is no longer in there lives. I hope it is nothing, but always make sure.

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Holly - posted on 03/30/2012

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I deal with the same problem every wed and every other weekend! I feel terrible for my boy but I cant stop the visitations! I want him to know and love his dad but its not easy when his dad is always against me. Then I get bad mouthed because I dont let him see him EXTRA! Would you make your kid go more than he is court ordered if he came home with horror stories and cried every time he had to go???? And somehow I am always the bad guy! Im really getting sick of dealing with it.

Brittani - posted on 03/29/2011

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Hi Melissa my name is Brittani. I just recently joined the website and your post caught my eye immediately. I am in the exact same situation also. I have a 2 & 1/2 year old daughter who does not like to go with her dad. We also have a court order of 50/50 custody. (his days are mon, tues. mine are wed, thurs. and we alternate weekends.) This has been her life since she was 6 months old. It is terrible. She screams when she has to go with him. She has even hid n locked herself in the bathroom! I also need help with this. I try to let her know that it is going to be ok and she will be home soon. but it just breaks my heart! Help!!!

Deborah - posted on 03/28/2011

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I would say, take your son for a special day just you and him, and try to get him to open up to you about what he does at his dad's house, just casual conversations throughout the day. You might be able to figure out why he doesn't enjoy going there. If he feels really uncomfortable and won't say anything, you may want to take him to a child therapist, preferably a male (boys tend to feel more comfortable talking with men rather than women). I know you have tried this before but sometimes it just the right person and some time. Hopefully you can get some answers. It could be that something is going on that shouldn't but it could be just as simple as him showing that he is growing up and wants to make his own choices. Sometimes kids in these situations get angry with a parent, sometimes because of something that they did or didn't do. I was a teenager when my parents split up and even though my father was the one who ended the marriage I was angry at my mother cause I felt like it was her fault( yes it was irrational but kids can be like that) over time things got better,and now we all get along better than when my parents were together. Now my eldest niece (14 years) has been angry with her father for about 11 years and over the years, she has gotten to the point of not even caring much about him. When she was yours son's age, she told us that she was mad at her daddy becaue he left her and her mommy and she didn't think he cared about her. Now he didn't do much to change that but if he had really tried I think she may have been able to work past those feelings (she did see a child therapist for quite awhile) it did help by giving her someone to talk to. Also the school that my nieces go to has a program that kids can be enrolled in free of charge. There is a child therapist that works in the school but the kids just think of them as their special friend, they go and see them sometimes everyday and sometimes a couple times a week (depending upon the situation). They just go to a playroom and hang out. If gives the kids an outlet to be able to share their feelings without the feeling of being judged, most of what goes on stays between the person and them but if there is something a parent really needs to know, they can notify them. Hope all goes well for you.

Amanda - posted on 03/28/2011

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Hello Melissa. I have a similar problem, but it is getting better. My daughter (who is now 10) cannot stand to go to her father. I too, have tried therapy and school counselor. However, that didn't help much but did allow her to talk about her feelings. One thing she has mentioned is that it is "boring" over there, even though I know they do fun things. I think a big issue is my kids are the center of my world and they know that when they are with me. I think they are loved by their father, but not exactly like it is with a mother. That is an issue in itself I think. Just know you are not alone, and by no means, allow your son to make the decision on wether he goes or not. I imagine once he is with his father, he no longer throws a fit. (atleast that is how it is with my daughter) I think just encouraging him to talk about the fun things he does while there, and remind him that no matter what, his father loves him bunches and that you will always be there when his weekend is over. When my daughter accepted the temporariness of the visit, she was more willing to go. Just some personal experience. I hope this helps.

Reaner - posted on 03/28/2011

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i am in the same bout as u, MY kids wife do not like my kids cause of me. don't know why . But i don't let them go over there dads at all. He can come to my house to see them! Thats the way i feel.

Dora - posted on 03/23/2011

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What about trying supervised visitation in front of a counselor to see what is going on. Or without anyone knowing video record your sons reaction before dad gets there, and when his dad comes to the door and then ask a counselor if they feel it is normal. Also what does you gut tell you? If something is not sitting right with you then don't push him to go.

Rosa - posted on 03/22/2011

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i think it may well be separation anxiety but it may also be something a lot more serious than that. if you guys fight or have fought a lot in the past, this may be affecting him too. could be a number of things. look further into it.

Debbie - posted on 03/22/2011

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o noe im n the same place but then someone told me kids noe true love and feelings. u cant push him just go with the flow cause u dont want it to b like a hurtful thought to him everytime he remember going.. say dont push him n do time he will...

Kandi - posted on 03/21/2011

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there is definately a reason why he does not want to go...try taking time out each day to sit and talk about things, try reading a book and discussing what you liked and what you didnt like, you can do this with any experience (going to the store, going to the park, watching a movie) this should help to encourage him that its okay to talk about things that bother him or upset him with fear that he will be punished...even though you may not punish him children see and think differently then we do....encourage encourage encourage open talk is all i can say. good luck

Michelle - posted on 03/21/2011

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It could just be him trying to exert his independence my son has been going to his dads every other weekend since he was 1 and in the beginning it was rough but he got over it and was fine until he was about 4 1/2 then I started getting the constant do I have to go's and why can't I just stay home. We never do anything there. Unfortunately I still go through this I just keep reminding him that he is his dad and dad loves him. My son also is well aware that in a few short years he will be old enough to decide if he goes or not, so this has led to him counting down the years til he is done with the visits. His biggest reason for not wanting to go now at age 10 is going to dads interferes with his social life.

IVEYKAYE - posted on 03/21/2011

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maybe there is something going-on that should not be going on....that's normally a sign!!! look deeper into the situation!!!

Anne - posted on 03/20/2011

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You have to find out WHY he doesn't want to go. It could be nothing but it also could be quite serious. Has he always been like this or has the behaviour of not wanting to be with his dad started recently (or in the last few months) ? Try and have a talk with him and see what he says.

Jenn - posted on 03/20/2011

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I think you need to find out WHY he doesn't want to see his father, as there is obviouslly a good reason if he is throwing a fit when his dad comes to get him..Have you tried to casually ask him about why he doesn't like it, try asking him when you guys are doing something fun and he is in a good mood. Keep it light and casual, and non confrontational and he will probably open up to you..Good luck with this!

Melissa - posted on 03/20/2011

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Thanks for ur input Brandy. He has been going to his dad's for nearly four years now so I dont see what the problem could be except that he is older now and doesnt accept his fathers ways like i did. I have taken him to therapy and they cant get anything out of him. I have even brought docs into it and also the school councillor and nothing has come of it.
Could it be that his dad simply doesnt give him the attention and love that a 5 yr old needs??????? He is not suffering separation anxiety as he goes with other people without a problem. Can u girls pls wave ur wands for me please, its killing me to see him like this... :-(((

Rachel - posted on 03/20/2011

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Maybe your son should see a therapist? just a suggestion to see why he doesnt like going to his dads. There may be something going arround over there that he doesnt like or it may be that he doesnt know him very well. I dont know the whole story but i hope this helps. Good luck

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