My three year old still sleeps in our bed

Mary - posted on 04/18/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )




My 3 year old still sleeps in our bed, my biggest problem is not her not wanting to go in her own bed, but the fact that my husband doesn't want ther sleeping in her own bed. He has never told me this but every time I try to talk to him about it he kind of brushes it off and ignores it.

The two of them have a very close relashionship because he is the one to take care of her while I am studing or doing homework for school, so offcourse he is the one to put her in bed everynight.

As you can imagine this has a huge impact on our relashionship, and I am not sure how to deal with this!!!

Help please


Christina - posted on 04/20/2009




As babies I started off the kids in my room but in their own crib. As toddlers I moved them on to a toddler bed next to my bed and slowly started moving the toddler bed away from my bed. By the time they were five they were in their own room. It may seem like forever but its a process that takes time especially for a child who is used to sleeping in the same bed as the parents. Easing down the process will keep both the parent and the child at ease.

Daner - posted on 04/12/2013




Ive seen alot of ignorant comments on this website. I am a male and I beleive it's okay to occasionaly allow your child to sleep in your bed. However, it is not good to let them do it every night. Despite what anyone says. We used to give our child water before he went to bed, he would always ask for it. And my gf doesn't understand that once you give a child something, they will expect it and it becomes "thiers", so when you try to take it away, they will resist! Now, he HAS to have water before he goes to bed, and I try explaining to her that it's not that he's thristy and needs water, it's because he's come to expect it, like he "owns" it now. He also sleeps in her bed. I explained, its okay once in a while because sometimes they do need comforting and such. However, now he comes in every night and if we try to bring him back to his bed he freaks out! I am trying to explain to her the concept of consistancy and disicpline. She always always gives into him, and when I get her to not give in, he resists and eventualy she gives in which makes it worse. I keep telling her, the more you give the more he will take. She says she'd rather give into him than fight and cause him to be upset. I said that's exactly why he does what he does, because he knows he will get what he wants. He even has different types of cries. He will do this bellowing cry that is obvious attention getter. Its like he trys to cry in such a way that mother will go and give into him. I said he's doing that to make you react! And I told her to ignore it for now, and so she trys to ignore it and he cries harder cuz he knows how to get what he wants, and then she eventualy gives in which actully confirms to him that his cries will get mommy to goto him. Parents don't realize that sometimes you actually have to ignore your child to let them know that they can't get thier way. I wish somebody could help me explain myself better. It's frustrating to be caught in the middle of The woman I love and my step son. I try to fix his behaviour but in order to do that I have to get her to fix hers, and she gets defensive when I do tell her things because I'm new to raising's like she thinks because I have no children I don't know anything. But I go on truth and whats in front of me, where she reads ridiculous books and listens to "experts".....

Crystal - posted on 04/18/2009




i would just tell him that it is better for all of you that she sleep in her own bed and that if he doesn't let her sleep in her own bed now she won't want to later in life when she's hogging the whole bed and all the blankets... i had a smilliar problem with my ex when my daughter was a baby... he always wanted her in our bed and because of it when we broke up she wouldn't sleep in her own bed because i didn't put my foot down earlier... you could also just move her to her bed when you go to bed...

good luck

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Farise - posted on 04/22/2009




Hey to your little on aobut new sheets and get some new stuff for the bed room . Make a big deal about how pretty it will all be . And if yu can ...get a dog or cat for them to sleep with or to stay in their room . It gets them out of yours and maybe everbody is happy...good luck......there is some real good advice out there......

Michelle - posted on 04/22/2009




To be honest..i'm stuck in the same position your husband is. Its not that I want my son to be in my bed..or that I am using him for comfort...I guess I just have a hard time because I am pregnant and it is much easier for me to be able to lay down next to him and have him fall asleep rather then fight to get him to stay in his own bed all night. (especially since his bed is so low to the ground and I have all the baby weight throwing me off balance) Do you think that at the end of the day he might just be too tired to deal with the frusteration (or heart break) from your daughter like me?

Tiffanie - posted on 04/22/2009




Oh my goodness! My parents did they same thing with my little sister, my dad did not want her to move out of his bed. Well she slept in their bed until she was 14!!! That's no lie, and I'm not saying that your husband will be the same of course. My son sleeps with us too, and I know what you mean about having an impact on your relationship. I always thought of laying in bed with your spouse as an intimate moment, and not meaning doing the intimate act, but I believe when you are laying in bed at night, all tucked in, all your gaurds are down, you are all relaxed and its easier to communicate. Now that we had our son, our conversations have turned into whispers if that. Sometimes we just don't want to risk waking him up so there's no talking at all. Not to mention the actual act of intimacy. Having a kid in bed with you does put a damper on that as well. If it is not your daughter that you are having the issue with, then all you can really do is talk to your husband without getting emotional or upset, just very calmly explain that you feel like you are drifting apart and would like to get that connection back and you would like to share a bed with him and not with him and your daughter. Maybe that would help? I'm not sure, but I would try to talk to him because at this point, thats all you can do.

Wendy - posted on 04/18/2009




Ok I might take some fire for this. But I don't think this is your daughter's problem. It's a security issue/comfort issue for your husband.

You're in a tough situation and this could make or break your relationship with your husband. But my husband was so bonded with his son that I too suffered in a different way. When my son moved to his crib in his room at 6 months. My husband moved out of our room and into my son's room for another 6 months.

Well you might want to give him an understanding of how you are feeling. When your daughter moves into your bed make a quiet statement of getting out of your bed and going to sleep in her bed. When your husband asks what you are doing. Just tell him that you feel your initmate relationship has been compromised. You're no longer comfortable with the sleeping arrangements. Your daughter may soon start going on sleep overs. How is she going to sleep when she can't sleep on her own? Dad's holding his daughter back for his comfort not her own. Or could he fear getting intimate with you and is using her has a shield? There's more to this. I hope it works out.

I was lucky that hubby is back in my room and our now 2.5 yr old has decided that the crib is no longer for him and is sleeping in a captain's bed.

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