Need advise....19 month old in my in home daycare will not listen....

Ashley - posted on 11/08/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

10

0

1

I just finished a 2.5 year nanny position and now have an in home daycare. I have a 20m old son and watch 5 other kids (they are all part time so I am never over the allowed limit of 3 extra kids). I have girls ages 17m, 21m, 3 yrs, and a 3m old starting in Jan. The boy is 19m and he is the problem. Maybe I'm just biased and my son is just really well behaved for his age, along with all the other kids I watch and have watched, but here are my issues,

-He runs around my house screaming all day (not crying screaming, but can't control my volume screaming, hes either quiet or screaming at the top of his lungs)

-He dumps out every bucket of toys we have, never plays with them, just dumps and throws them everywhere

-He does not listen AT ALL, If I tell him not to do something it takes me calmly saying it (which is enough for my son to listen) to me yelling, to me having to forcefully physically remove him and 2 min later hes doing the exact same thing again and its a never ending cycle that leads to me yelling and having to focus all my attention on him all day long (which isn't fair to my son or the other kids)

-He also refuses to eat lunch until I yell at him or feed him (hes far to old to be fed by me and with other kids I do not have time to spend feeding him, I need to eat too and get things cleaned up)



I'm Very concerned for when the baby comes, and I'm expecting now too. The 17m old already screams every time he gets near her because hes too abrasive and scares her and my son is beginning to not listen and mis-behave all the time now too after being around him.

I have only been watching him for 2.5 months now and I'm ready to pull my hair out. I feel like if I can't find something to get him to change, I'm going to have to tell them I cannot watch him anymore, and if that is the case, how do I explain this to them, its been such a short time and I assured them that I would be doing daycare for the long term (the asked because his last provider decided to take a real job after 5 months of watching him, and at this point, I can't blame her...). If I did stop watching him, I need someone to replace him right away because we need that income, so I'd have to be looking for someone before I even stopped watching him...

He is the same way at home, I've asked, and they just chuckle and say yeah, we've been working on it

Any advise is greatly appreciated.....What would you do in my situation? Can I really teach him to listen to me here if he still acts the same way at home?

Thanks

4 Comments

View replies by

Gigi - posted on 11/09/2012

155

0

29

I have a very similar situation in one of the playdates. The other kid behaves exactly the same (plus plenty of tantrums and he uses his mother as "protector" from my kid). What I noticed is what you also mentioned - and that is that my kids behavior deteriorates as well in her company. And I have no idea what to do.



The thing is that ultimately, you are paid for having him there, But you are also paid by the parents of other 5 kids in your daycare. If you feel like you can not deal with him and that all the other kids are suffering from his behavior, I would sit down with his parents and explain gently what the problem is. If they want to work with you on helping him behave properly (its mostly work on their side, they are primary caregivers) give it some time (agreed with them, like 1 month or 2 months) and see how it goes.

If he doesn't improve, I would ask his parents to find another daycare which would be more suited for his needs. Its hard to do that, but in the end of the day, its the whole group you need to consider.

Sarah - posted on 11/08/2012

3,880

14

1082

Hang in there Ashley. It sounds like you are doing the right things, and don't feel bad if this is one that you have to say you can't do (I struggle with that sometimes). Have you ever asked them what techneques they use for discipline?....or my guess is that you have and they are very general....maybe asking them if they use ..... or just stating that you noticed that when dad says something and goes over to him he stops and you were wondering if there is something different that dad does that you don't so you can get the same results as dad does. My thoughts are I wonder if dad spanks (not that I am against spanking.....just not something you can do with daycare kids.....and sometimes there are better ways of teaching).



I can totally understand about not mentioning your pregnancy yet. I waited until after my 12wk check up before I shared about my pregnancy with my 3rd. I figure that gives them more then plenty of time to find someone for the time I took off and to know my news. By the way congradulations!



Calling you mama is a hard one....you either get other kids calling you mom or your kids calling you by Ashley, which neither one you want. For me when they are little and just learning words I just let the mom slide. I figure at that age every male is dad and every female is mom. And when they are wanting something at home they are taught to say "mom" so it just carries over to you as a way of them getting your attention. As they get older I start to then say my name when they say mom. I have a tricky one coming up....my name is Sarah and a little one that I watch is Sarah....talk about confussing for her :) She is about 20 months old and just today I noticed that she has really been calling me "mom" and I was thinking I need to work on getting her to say "Sarah".

Ashley - posted on 11/08/2012

10

0

1

Thanks for the message Sarah.One of the kids I nannied for was in a speech program, so I do know a lot about that and what to look for. He seems to be on track speech wise....its hard for me to really know where his speech should be because our little guy has been around older kids (5 yrs, 4 yrs, 3 yrs and 2 yrs, these are all their ages now) so at 20 months hes spent his the last 20 months of his life around all of these kids so his speech and motor skills are much more advanced than the average 20 month old. His doctor said that being around the older kids has really been a benefit and I think its awesome that he has learned so much from them!!



I have asked his dad questions about his behavior a few times, and I have brought up the fact that we need to get his screaming under control and that we need to work on listening because once I start having the 3 month old in Jan, I'm going to need to focus extra attention on her and she will be sleeping on the main floor of our house right next to our living room, so he cannot be screaming because he will wake her up. I have not yet told them that I am expecting since I am only 6 weeks and I wan to wait til after my dr appointment since I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks before I had my son. He just tells me they know he screams all the time and they have been working on it with him for months now and he just doesn't get it and the listening he says he does the same thing i have been doing but he listens to dad as soon as he stands up to remove (after telling him no)him from what hes not supposed to be doing and stops, like Oh crap dads coming i better listen now type of thing.

I used time outs at my nanny job and I totally understand the revolving time out, some days we hardly needed them at all and some days, I swear that was all I said and they were there All day!!

I agree the dumping is fairly normal, but he just dumps to dump, not to find a toy or to play with them....My son dumps the bins all the time, for example, he dumps the little people bin to play with his farm and such, or he dumps the mega blocks to build etc...we work really hard on cleaning up when we are done or before we take something else out and for most of them it works, but he doesn't understand cleaning up, I sit down and help them and try and show him and as soon as i pick things up he dumps it right back out....

I do get down on his level and explain things to him and trust me i HATE yelling, but any other way of explaining to him its like it doesn't register....I always firmly tell him no, etc first.

I am willing to work with him and want him to improve because I love that my son has a little boy to play with among all these girls and he seems to have fun with him....but I don't want to keep him at the expense of the other kids needs and his. I think he may be better in a 1 on 1 situation or 1 other kid.....I think I am going to see how things are during January with the new little one and decide from there if we need to part ways.



Totally unrelated question for you....How do you teach the little ones not to call you mama? I never had that issue with my nanny job because all the older kids called me by my name so the little ones caught on. But with my own calling me mama and I respond, now the 2 youngest ones call me mama too....I tell them 'mama went bye bye' or "mama went to work" but I don't think they understand that yet and they aren't talking well enough to learn my name yet.

Sarah - posted on 11/08/2012

3,880

14

1082

Has he had his hearing checked? Some of these issues might just be behavrioral and need teaching, but looking at it all together I wonder if he does not hear well. How is his speech? This might be something to experiement with and watch out for and then if you feel that might be an issue, talk to his parents. I would suggest having their doc. take a look and even mention AEA (area education agency) it is free and they will do a hearing and speech (if needed) evaluation and then if they feel there is an issue the will set up some help which is also free. Big thing with this program is that the earlier they get started the better....once they turn 3 yrs. certain services change and they aren't able to get the same help they could at a younger age. Also since it is free you do have to push to get evaluated and services started.....otherwise you wait months. The hard thing for you is you can only do so much if the parents are not willing to address the issue then your hands are tied to how much you can do.



I would be open and honest with the parents. Let them know your concerns and let them know where you are at with things. This lets them know 1. that there is an issue. 2. that if they are not willing to help with the situation then they will need to be looking for another sitter. I would work together with the parents trying to figure out how to improve the situation. Kind of like a brainstorming session on how to make it better and work. Ask them what things they do and find out what works for them.



Sometimes the 1 yr -2yrs. age is hard because this is when you are teaching them the rules and boundries. At first everything is all new and they are just exploring for the most part removing them or distracting them is all you can really do. Some kids go onto another thing pretty quickly where others you have to removing many times over before they get the idea. I find that it is not until they get close to 2 yrs old that then the testing of boundries comes....this is when time outs start to be more of a thing. Still some kids tend to be in a revolving time out throughout the whole day. Consistansy is a BIG thing....I have found if I keep with it even through the hair pulling out times and the times of thinking they are NEVER going to get it it eventually works. Often times by time they get close to 3 yrs. most of the time all it takes is a warning of a time out and they listen.



For him when you talk to him make sure you are down at his level right in front of him. Have him make eye contact with you. I find that sometimes there are SO many distractions that even though you are yelling they are not even hearing you. At his age I would do a lot of removing him while you are saying "no we don't....." instead of talking or yelling and then expecting him to obey. For the dumping everything out I think in some ways that is normal for his age, BUT you can also teach him to pick up. He is going to require more of a hands on then the others you watch. When he dumps something out and then goes onto the next thing take him back and help him pick up the toys he dumped out. Have him help you. This is something he will not be able to do on his own without your help right now, but by you requiring him to pick up before he goes to the next thing and you being down there helping him you are teaching him how to pick up.



Hope this helps. I have been doing in home daycare for 12 yrs now. Some kids are easier then others. I have found that sometimes I am not the best sitter for what a certain child needs. My gifts and talents and also my knowledge of how to help them is not there. There have also been ones where they have thrived at my house where they were not at another sitters house. I have learned tons and continue to learn more each day.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms