Pondering weather or not to have a second child.

Melissa - posted on 02/23/2011 ( 48 moms have responded )

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When I think of only having one child I get upset. Then I think of all the wormth there was around the holidays, trips and playing with my sister. I would like my child to have that. BUT then there is also the money part the hard times, getting help, wondering if I will make it through the day, wondering if I am missing out on other things. BUT thats all about being a mom right?

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Sarah - posted on 03/18/2011

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Hi Melissa! It looks like you've already gotten lots of great advice, but I wanted to share my thoughts too. I am an only child & there were soooo many times when I wished that I had a brother or sister. Most of my friends had siblings & I felt left out at times. :( Now that I'm 26, I don't really think about it all the much, although it would be nice to have that special bond that I've seen my friends have with their siblings. Being an only child has its benefits, too of course. :) It just depends on what works best for you & your family's situation.

Since I grew up as an only child, I've decided that I DO want my son to have a sibling. My son is 18 months old & I go back and forth ALL the time about when to have another one. I get scared thinking about how difficult it might be adding another little one to the family. My son is a handful just by himself lol. ;) I think my husband & I have decided to try for our second sometime this July or August. Good luck with your decision. :)

Katie - posted on 03/16/2011

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I have 2 girls and its the best thing and I love seeing them play together. even though I'm a single parent and things are pretty hard right now I wouldn't change it for anything. my oldest wants me to have a brother and I am having to tell her that I do want a boy too but that we need a man that's going to be here for the long hall first. so in that respect its still hard and yet I don't want to have another until I have a steady man in my life. I hope that helps a little bit to hear that there are other women out there that are going through some of the same things you are.

Jennifer - posted on 03/08/2011

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I was really concerned about having a second child. My first daughter is a handful but the thought of stranding her without a sibling wasn't appealing. I have two brothers and we had a great time growing up. And now, we can rely on each other to take care of our parents. I woudn't want that burden alone.
Another issue I had was whether I could love another child as much as my first, and whether the attention I would have to devote to a new baby would hurt her. Turns out, there is no shortage of love in a mother's heart for her babies, whether she has one or ten. I adore my second baby (she's 5 months, my other daughter is 3.5) and while it's tough splitting the time, it's worth it in the end.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/07/2011

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I have two children and its great. Its much easier second time around and the second child just spends their time running around after the first so they are not so demanding. Its beautiful to watch their relationship grow. The first one also has to learn how to share, wait, care, protect, teach etc so they really blossom. Yes there are hard times too but you get that with one anyway :-)

Lakeisha - posted on 03/06/2011

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When thinking about having another child, you should be ready for it, mental, physically, and finacially. i have a 5 year girl and she wants a brother or sister, it is upsetting to me that she feels like she have to play alone all the time. but it is important to have anothe child when you a absolute ready for it no doubt about it.

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Patricia - posted on 03/19/2011

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i agree i grew up being one of 7 and baby number 10 is due in august of mine i love my kids and would not have it any other way

Patricia - posted on 03/17/2011

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good on you Katie i have had to do that myself with my eldest 3 girls it s hard being a single mum but just know you are doing a great job and being an amazing mum raising 2 kids on your own

Melissa - posted on 03/08/2011

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Thank you Jennifer for your comment (: My little guy is in early childhood and i can see he loves being around other little guys we kind of get boring fast (: and we sometimes have to cut play time short due to house chores. and i believe that if he had and or will have a sibiling hed have someone to play with, take care of, tease, etc.

Melissa - posted on 03/08/2011

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Rachael; I am so sorry you have no family support. Thas so hard. I do believe that i need a schedule of some sort. And which i am trying to get established. Then once if at all that 2nd child comes I have a schedule. So that i dont feel so lost or that Im ganna feel like im ganna lose my mind with what im tryin to do at that moment or that day :) And im sure with 2 children I will be able to do only one project a day. as projects sometimes take all day. and once we all get the hang of things - our schedule we will make it.

Rachael - posted on 03/08/2011

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Melissa.

I see you've had heaps of posts to your question. It is an interesting one to say the least. Your right, financially, it can be tough, but I think you'll make it work if its what you truly want.

I wanted 2 and my husband wanted 3. The more I thought about it, I thought yeah 3 would be nice. By this time, he changed his mind and wanted 2. But, after all was said and done, we now have our third child.

Our first has just turned 3. There is 14mths between him and his younger brother. Then there is 18mths between the younger and the baby.

My eldest child is Autistic, we have no family support and not many people understand how extremely difficult our days are just to survive. Having that second baby is a shock, but once you get yourself sorted, its not that bad. I love all of our children. We are praying because they are close in age they will be best friends. But this will only be evident once they are much older. Good luck with your decision.

Lindsay - posted on 03/07/2011

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There are a lot of great comments here but I just wanted to add my 2 cents. I have 2 boys who are 21 months apart and I am pregnant with my 3rd who will be 21 months from my youngest. And we are considering a 4th. Honestly, it is a lot of work, and there are some days that I want to lock them in the garage and spend all day in the bathtub. But most of the time it is so worth it! They get along (for the most part) and so a lot of the time it is actually LESS work having 2 than just one. Our finances are pretty tight right now, but it is worth it. I am a SAHM and I recently checked out Meetup.com and joined some great mommys groups. Through the women I have met I have been able to exchange clothes, toys, childcare, and just had time to talk to other moms like myself. It has been really good for me and my kids and has helped save money.

Diane - posted on 03/07/2011

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Well I have five daughters within the ages of eighteen and ten. I have a minimum wage job and I'm 35 and divorced. I don't have any grand expectations about where I'll go in life expect to have plenty of grand children. I expect my kids may have a little tougher time than some with paying for university and weddings than some but they are all good girls graduating and getting a good start. My sister was 12 years older than me and so we never had the same kind of close relationship that my girls have. When I see them hanging out watching movies, telling each other about their days and coming to each others aid in rough times, I wouldn't trade that for all the money in the world for myself or for them. Besides, alot of time it is the kids that grow up struggling a little that work hardest to be successful later on. They learn to appreciate every opportunity that comes along. I would choose a big family full of love over a big house and high paying job any day.

Melissa - posted on 03/04/2011

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carisa; thank you for the coment. i think so too that i want another just because im thinking of it so much. and it does upset me when i think of not having another one. if i get stressed i can always call family. if i didnt have family i know i wouldnt want another one. thanks so much for your post

Carisa - posted on 03/04/2011

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I have two girls and have always wanted a kids (I want 4) I personally think it is important for children to have siblings. There are things they can learn from siblings that they can't learn from other people. As for your concerns, there is never enough money, and I would try to avoid making that part of your decision unless having another child will make it impossible to pay the bills. I don't know how old your child is, but I found the second child much easier than the first. My girls are 3 years apart and my oldest was very helpful when her sister was born. They are now 5 and 2 and they play together so I don't have to entertain them as much as I did when I only had one. If the thought of not having another baby makes you upset, I think you really want another. I would follow your heart.

Melissa - posted on 03/04/2011

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thank you lisa for the encouraging words. and good luck to you with the new baby.

Lisa - posted on 03/04/2011

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I just found out that we are expecting our second child, mind you my son just celebrated his 1st birthday last month. I do worry about the struggles we will face but I know in the end it will all work out for the best. Like you I had 3 other siblings but we were 10, 9, $ 5 years apart I felt distant from them when I was younger so I always wanted to have my children close in age so they could grow up together like my 2 oldest sisters did!! Good luck and I wish u the best!!

Lisa - posted on 03/04/2011

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I just found out that we are expecting our second child, mind you my son just celebrated his 1st birthday last month. I do worry about the struggles we will face but I know in the end it will all work out for the best. Like you I had 3 other siblings but we were 10, 9, $ 5 years apart I felt distant from them when I was younger so I always wanted to have my children close in age so they could grow up together like my 2 oldest sisters did!! Good luck and I wish u the best!!

Patricia - posted on 03/04/2011

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take your time this will not be easy a baby is a baby misscarriage or not i have had 3 misscariages and none of them easy to deal with you will decide if and when in time you need time to heal as much as you possibly can i feel for you

Brianna - posted on 03/03/2011

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i have 1 daughter she is 15 months now. i wanted to have may kids close in age so the month she turned 1 year we started trying and concieved right away... 10 weeks later I lost it. So now I can decide when to start trying again... im not ready yet and not sure when i will.. or if after a such a loss ur every really ready to try again.. ill probably end up having like a 2.5 or 3 year age gap

Patricia - posted on 03/03/2011

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i think you are right he had no reason to take that away from you it is every womans right to have kids men need to be more honest to there wives i have 9 kids and i wpouldn't be without any of them and i do everything for them my husband is useless and lazy

Patricia - posted on 03/03/2011

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she definately i am a mum of nine and i have had to make an extremeamount of sacrifices over the years but it is definately worth ih even though at times it gets hard but i wouldn't change it for the world my kids mean everything to me

Heather - posted on 03/02/2011

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Thanks Jasmine. It is so hard, especially with our ages. We're not getting any younger.

Keri - posted on 03/02/2011

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This is a REALLY personal question and one you shouldn't be asking us about. My husband and I definately want more kids. We're currently at the end of our financial rope as well but we want more kids enough that we will deal with any issues as they arise. Again, this is a VERY PERSONAL issue that only you and your significant other can decide.

Jennifer - posted on 03/02/2011

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I'm trying to decide the same thing - ... If it helps "Time" magazine had a cover article recently called "the only child myth" (or something like that) and they said that there is no research to show that only children are brats or deprived in any way. It listed a lot of famous people who are only children.

Melissa - posted on 03/02/2011

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my husband and i go around and around about the situation as well. which i think you have to do until you come up with an answer, but for us it was hard at first. we didnt work together. we have been together and take each other for granted. which we are getting better asking for help and what not. i find its getting easier getting answers the more we talk because with each and ever conversation more and different stuff comes out. so heather i encourge you to keep talking with your husband. i hope you find an answer. :)

thank you jasmine for your answer. it was and is very much helpful to me. have a good day :)

Jasmine - posted on 03/02/2011

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I know just how you feel because we have a 3 year old daughter.And we have talked about having a second one just for the fact that if we passed away we wouldn't want our daughter to be alone but to have a blood relative to be with.Only thing is that we know that at the current time isn't the time to do that.But the thing is that we are going to start setting things up as saving up for housing,getting money together,and working harder,etc to get things lined up so that when the time did come for us to have a second child we would more prepared.But I recommend that if you feel in your gut and after talking with your spouse you both decide that you want to have a second kid but just not right now thats fine.The last thing you want to do is get so deep into a situation that your left pulling your hair out because you wish you feel overwhelmed.

Heather - posted on 03/01/2011

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I have a 5 yr old son and desperately want another child. My husband, who has a 21yr old daughter had a vasectomy (without my approval) and wants no more children. We have had many arguments without resolve. Obviously the vasectomy can be reversed and we looked into it, but he just doesn't want to do it. Is is worth our marriage? I don't want to resent my husband in the years to come.

Melissa - posted on 03/01/2011

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CJ. i also want a sibling for my son. my sister an i arent very close but i know how much fun i had having a sibling. like i said before i wish i could see into the future and see if its a good choose or not. thanks for your post

CJ - posted on 03/01/2011

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I know how you feel. I really want to have 2 children, and I don't want them more than 4 yrs apart( my brother's are 6 yrs older and 7 yrs younger than me, and I want my children to be closer). My daughter just turned 2, and I would love to start trying for a second one. But we are not the most financially well off, as we are stuck living with my parents and I am home with our daughter so we only have one income. Also somedays I don't feel like I can deal with the stress my daughter is giving me, what would I do having to deal with 2 kids. Also my daughter is still waking up at night, and often I feel like I can't handle getting as little sleep as I do, it'd only be worse with her and a newborn. Luckily, my daughter is pretty close to being completely potty trained, so we would not have to deal with two kids in diapers, but I'm not sure how my daughter would handle having to share her mommy and daddy with someone else either. I love being a mommy though and really want a sibling for my daughter, and if I wait for a "better" time to have one, it may never happen, or thay will be very far apart, which i don't want. So me and my fiance had a pregnancy scare back in october, but rather than being more careful, we quit using protection all together. We aren't actively trying (having sex as much as possible, checking when I ovulate), but we aren't preventing it either.

Melissa - posted on 03/01/2011

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thank you michelle. i do worry about haavin enough time, the energy and of course everything being ok. i wish i could see into the furtre to see if things would be ok and if it would be the right choise. thanks again michelle.

Michelle - posted on 02/28/2011

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I have 3 kids ages 3,2, and 3 months. I was worried about similar things. Luckily my husband makes enough to support our family. But really since I have re used a lot of our baby gear/ clothes and breastfed money wouldn't have been the issue I thought it would be. Honestly I was stressed out with the second and third baby about attention issues, having enough time, having the energy, and them getting along. I worried for nothing. My older two are so close and they both love the little one. Not one of my kids were planned. I can't imagine life without a single one of them.

Charlie - posted on 02/28/2011

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hi Melissa i have 3 kids 4 3 and 9months and with them being all close together is really good like you my partner also works long hours but i manage ok i think my to older ones fight a bit but get on a lot to and they both adore the baby it is really scarily at first but then every think falls in to routine and it doesn't feel so hard i always had a dream of becoming a victim support worker and when i had my kids i didn't think there would ever be a chance of a life but now im a victim support worker and i get childcare for the baby my work is un payed as im volunteering so money is still tight but i get thro doing simple things with the kids to make then happy like playing hide an seek going the park making cakes and when ive saved we like to go the Wales for the weekend i thro my life would be so hard in a bad way but its hard fun loving adorable magical all rolled into to one i love my kids the world and no matter how much they drive me up the wall there the only people in the world who know how to make mummy smile hope this helps chick GOOD LOOK :)

Melissa - posted on 02/28/2011

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heather that is a great to hear your respons helps me so much thank you so much.

Heather - posted on 02/28/2011

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i have to say i went thru the same thing while deciding if i wanted a 2nd child. i worried that my son would be resentful towards me and my hubby and the new child.. i worried about money.. i worried about how the heck i would be able to share my attention between two kids. I grew up with 3 older siblings and i remembered all of the great times we had. I wanted my son to have those times !! I had a fear of my son being left all alone if god forbid something happend to me or my hubby. My decision to have my second child was the best decision of my entire life !!!!!!!! Watching my son and my daughter interact is the highlight of my days !!!!!!!!!!! Even though my son is 5 and my daughter is 6 months they have such a wonderful bond !!!!!!!!! My son makes a point to kiss and hug his baby sister every day !!! It literally melts my heart !!!

Jacquelin - posted on 02/28/2011

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It's 100% normal, I went through it with ALL my kids.. and Im kind of going through it now to a point and I am pregnant so theres no turning back. I mean financially we are fine.. but I am going to school for nursing which is a choice.. I dont HAVE to but its something I have always wanted to do and I know its hard enough to do it now but it will be even harder with four kids. But at least by the time this baby comes my oldest will be in school full time so it is one less kid all day haha. But what you are going through is normal, its a mom thing.

Melissa - posted on 02/28/2011

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thanks jacquelin for the comment. its so odd cause i nerver though of this questions before i had my first. but of course now that i have one i know what its like. you cant compare it to if you babysate when you were younger cause you could leave when you were done and you never knew or though of the late nights, the money thing. i guess im just nervous which is normal i hope.

Jacquelin - posted on 02/28/2011

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Well Melissa I have three children close in age, and am actually pregnant with my fourth. My older 2 are 15 months apart, and my youngest is almost 2 years younger then my middle child.. ( their birthdays are 3 weeks apart) and this baby is due October 29 so she will be 2 years apart from my youngest. I always thought the same things you are thinking and honestly, none of my children were planned. You will always have some kind of feelings of can I do it, what about my financial situation .. you just have to sit down, look at your finances and see if it is possible for you to have another child. Although it is amazing having more then one kid, you have to make sure that you can give that child a good life.

Melissa - posted on 02/28/2011

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Marylea Crowell - thank you for your input. i think when theres a 4 to 6 year gape the oldest will be a step ahead but in time it will get better. thanks for your input all input helps :)

Deepti - posted on 02/28/2011

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thanx for ur comments and i wish to stay in touch with u in future so that we can together discuss and solve our child related issues and much more.
as far as the link is concerned, thanx for ur appreciation, u and may others have provided appreciation to this blog which is exisitng only to bring together all the moms and gain supprot from each other... keep smiling and wish u a happy family life.

Amber - posted on 02/26/2011

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I have six kids. They are 21, 18, 9, 8, 3 and 2. Two of my kids are irish twins, and they are really close. But the two that are three years apart never got on very well. They are better now, but when my oldest was seven, and his brother was 4, he was just too old to sit home and play with a four year old. I also have two pretty big gaps between my kids, 9 years between two, and 6 years between two. That was not a problem at all because the older kids were old enough to play with the babies, and enjoy them, but not expect them to be a playmate. I absolutely loved having kids close in age. I also love having a house full. But it sure is not easy at all. Just follow your heart. I don't think there will come a time, if you decide to have a baby, that you will regret it. :)

Melissa - posted on 02/25/2011

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I thank all of you for answering. You all have givin me GREAT answers. They all were what I was thinking, I needed reasureance. I am a stay at home mom. So I think of this often. My husband works long hours and had a hard time dealing with the baby stage. We've both been through a lot, together and seperat. He left for Iraq when our child was only 10 months old plus other issures that we've been through. So, we are strong to get through all of those!! Thank you Deepti Gupta for the link. I am so glad I posted this question on here. It really means a lot that you all posted on here. Thanks again.

Deepti - posted on 02/25/2011

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hi melissa, this is a million dollar question whether to have second child or not..with one child u have more freedom u may feel but with 2 u have more responsibilities...but there is one more thing.. two of them will play togather and accompany each other and when they grow up they will support each other whether u r around or not.. nobody else except a sibling can understand ur child better than u... of course initial years will be tough but later on u will be pleased to have 2 loving kids plus friends with u.
http://perspectiveofdeepti.blogspot.com/ is the place to clarify all ur doubts and myths as a parent.

Michelle - posted on 02/24/2011

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I have 3 children. 2 from my previous marriage and 1 from this marriage. My 2 older ones are only 2.5 years apart and are the best of friends. You find that with your 2nd the baby no longer runs the routine. You have other things that need to get done and they tend to fit in around you.
My youngest one is 11 months so I have almost 6 years between #2 & #3 and she really has to fit in with my routine. I have school runs to do and also run the uniform shop at school as well as meetings for the P&C.

I found it easier with the first 2 being closer than when I had my daughter.

Michelle - posted on 02/24/2011

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well being that i have two and close in age i have a little insight. my son was only 21 months old when my daughter was born. my son is 2.5 and my daughter is 11 months. they dont always get along and its not always easy but I LOVE IT. we didnt originally want them so close together but it happned and i wouldnt have it any other way. my son was so stuck to me and still is, but i think it was good for him to learn that its not all about him and i cnt just drop what im doing to help him. dividing my love between the two can be difficult some days and sometimes i feel like i live in a crazy house but it is totaly worth it. i love that they are so close in age cuz they will be in school together and they will be able to watch out for each other. for anyone thinking of trying again..if you feel you are mentally physically emotionally and finacially ready give it a try. but if you dont feel its time then you know best for your own situation. and the way i see it is if its ment to be it will regardless of what you think. God has it planned already and He will make it possible.

Danielle - posted on 02/24/2011

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My husband and I are trying for our second.

It still makes me nervous about how stressful it will be.

If I conceive somewhere in the next couple months we'll have a 3 year old, and a newborn.



I don't want my son to be an only child. I love the time we

have together, but I want him to have someone he can play with.

I feel like if it doesn't happen by the time he is three we are going to stop trying, and go back on birth control.



One of the main reasons I would want another child would be for my son to have a playmate, so a big age gap would defeat the purpose. Any time after my son turns three seems like too big of an age difference for a potential friendship between the first and second child.



I've noticed the further away I am from the baby stages the less I want to go back.

I feel that although it will be stressful this is the time to do it, if ever.



Also, if you have a supportive, loving extended family you can always rely on help. My family rarely visits our son as it is, so we are going into attempting a second without external emotional support.



I hope this helps.

Melissa - posted on 02/24/2011

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thanks Marylea Crowell for your post. ive pondered weather or not to have my kids close in age. but ive though it could back fire on you. you could have a hard time with it and they could be enamies or best friends. ya never know how it will go. thank you for your input. have a good weekend

Marylea - posted on 02/23/2011

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I've been feeling the same way. I have a 22month old daughter and I really want to have another child but I'm not sure if we should get pregnant now or wait. We've been trying (sort of) since november so far no such luck...but now I'm starting wonder if its the right thing or not. I really want my daughter to have a sibling to play with but at the same time she has my totally attention right now (and she loves it) If we have another baby that will go away to a degree. I think that being a mom is the most rewarding thing I'll ever do in life so in the end i'm just leaving it up to fate...if I get pregnant i get pregnant.

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