Refuse to Spank- any discipline advice?

Katie - posted on 07/14/2009 ( 43 moms have responded )

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Our two year old daughter has officially begun her terrible two's but I refuse to let her be spanked (how can one preach no violence then use it as discipline?). Anyone have advice on other ways of communicating right from wrong with her? Her big thing right now is throwing things when she is mad or doesn't get her way....

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Cora - posted on 07/17/2009

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hi katie i fully understand that u would not want to spank your child, and neither do i, but i can honestly say that all 5 of my children have had a slap on the back of the hand. I too use the time out technique but mine is with the naughty corner, they can clearly see everything around them which they do not like if everybody is enjoying themselves and playing, this has the desired effect with an apology and a cuddle (always) and then they can rejoin. The slap on the hand is only as a final attempt if they are doing something that may harm them or others and have still carried on even after the time out. My eldest child is 16 and my youngest is 1, i always try to encourage good behaviour with praise, bad behaviour gets nothing except a different tone in my voice and the consequences that follow. Even if you are out and bad behaviour occurs you can always find a suitable place to put them in time out. Hope this helps and please know you are not on your own here.

Ingrid - posted on 07/17/2009

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We send the kids to their room. They can come out when they act appropriate. I simply say oh no, we don't throw. Then it is followed with a question if the need to go to their room, if they throw again they go to their room. I will give them the choice of going themselves or I will take them and then they are told they can come out when they can act nice. If they come back out and are still throwing, they go back in etc.


It is more a change for them to re-set themselves rather than punishment, simply a consequence. It tells them that if they can not control themselves other people are not going to want to be around them. All 'bad' behavior is treated this way and always the same, they are separated from the group, so in the store I will ask them if they need to sit in the car



ETA: I do not use time out as it is too much of an attention getter, and I do not count because I want them to listen now and not after counting until three. I do request most things from my kids rather than demand it and I give them options. E.g the rule is that they take their plate to the kitchen after eating. When they are done they pick up their plate and put it in the kitchen so I can load it in the dishwasher. If they do not automatically do it, I will ask them, if they still not do it I will ask them if they want to do it on their own or if they need my help? If they do not do it on their own, I will put the plate in their hands and help them carry it

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We have talked to our son about using words instead of actions. we encourage him to say "I am mad/angry/upset" instead of chucking something across the room. It has been pretty effective. But I will say that once this "thing" passes, another will arise. I have a book "I brake for meltdowns" that is pretty good about discipline. Good luck!

Lynlee - posted on 07/15/2009

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Hi Katie, I havent heard about that theory of giving kids something to do while they're in time out. To my mind that would defeat the purpose of the punishment - they are supposed to be bored and on some level (hopefully) be thinking about what they did to be put into time out. I have taken everything out of the spare room that he could possibly play with so that he hates going in there. I always tell our son when I put him into timeout that he should think about what he was doing. I'm sure your 2 year old understands what you are talking about but just keep it simple by saying mummy put you in time out because you were hitting the cat (for example). That's not nice manners to hit the cat is it? If you hit the cat he will run away and not want to be your friend etc. Hope that helps.

Lynlee - posted on 07/14/2009

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We also don't use smacking - we use time out but if you use that make sure it is effective ie. put her into an empty hallway or spare room where there is nothing to play with. If you just put her in her room she will have a good old time playing with her toys. We barely need to send our son to time out any more - if he misbehaves i start counting to five and he knows that when i get to five he goes to timeout. He always stops. If he does go to timeout I put him in the spare room and of course tell him why im putting him there, then leave him for one minute per year of age then go and get him and ask him why I put him there. I remind him if he has forgotten then tell him why what he did not acceptable. Then he has to apologise to whoever he hurt and then he gets a hug.

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Bailey - posted on 09/11/2014

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I am sooo glad you refuse to spank! Spanking just confuses the child and does no good. Have you tried getting down to their level? Try getting on you knees, so you will be eye to eye with your child. Make sure you two have eye contact. Make sure the child is listening and aware that you are serious. Be stern but not mean or rude. Explain to them what they did wrong. Tell them their favorite toy or TV time is in jeopardy. Your child needs to know & see that your are serious and that this is a serious matter. If not, they will NOT take you seriously. Last but not least, DO NOT lose your cool, or your patience. This may take some tries but as a parent you need & should stick to this if you are willing to do this. This has helped millions of parents. Good luck. Remember that their is a difference between being stern and being mean. You do not ant to be mean.

Sam - posted on 04/04/2011

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a quick pat on the hand usually works for me then just explain why its wrong, my girl throws things too sometimes i have to just take some of her toys aways as hard as that is ~ jos mama

Colette - posted on 07/08/2010

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I know exactly what you are talking about. My daughter is 2 1/2 and what seems to work for me is the naughty step aproach from "Suppernanny USA". It was very hard in the beggining but now it works !!! You have to put up house rules. 1 Warning and then to naughty step. 1 Min per year (in my case 2 min). When she gets up time starts again. After time is up she has to say sorry and then you give hugs and kisses and go on as normal. Good luck.

Charlena - posted on 07/07/2010

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I dont spank my child at all and shes three now , we just use the time out method seems to work just fine sometimes , but my mom use to spank me when i was a kid which made me scared of her , i dont want my kids scared and jumping away from me when they do something wrong . As parents I think we should just accept the fact that children are children , they have only been here on earth a few years how much do we really expect them to know ? of course shes going to throw things shes going through emotions that she doesnt understand right now , just always let her know that you understand and try ways that she can express to you what she wants , you just have to adjust to her level and not make her adjust to yours , she isnt there yet and wont understand ...but high five to you for no spanking !!! ♥

Sarah - posted on 07/07/2010

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I haven't read all the replies so forgive me if some of these have already been mentioned.
Time out for 2 min. (or 1 min for every year)
If she hits someone, after the time-out she must apologize to them.
NEVER tell your child why they were put in time out. At that point, you're telling them that they're too stupid to figure it out. Have her tell you why she's in time out and apologize to you.

If she watches movies or anything, those get taken away in intervals, if she's allowed an hour, cut 15 min.

Bedtime comes half an hour earlier.

If a toy is thrown, it gets taken away for a day.

Spanking is hitting and spanking a child teaches them nothing except that 'adults can hit me and it's okay and when I grow up it's okay for me too.'

Kristen - posted on 07/07/2010

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I don't think one method works for everyone. I'd look up some parenting books and get ideas there. Nanny911 was surprisingly helpful, but there are lots of good ones out there.

Angel - posted on 07/07/2010

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I recommend the 123 Magic method of disipline (no physical punishment involved). You can buy the book (called 123 Magic), it is really helpful and you can start it at age 2. I use it for my kids (6 and 2) and it works. Hope this helps. :)

Cinda - posted on 07/07/2010

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My son is 19 months & has been doing the 'throwing things with mad' thing for months already. We use a STERN tone of voice with a scolding look and tell him, "No throwing." We then take the item thrown away from him, putting it out of his reach but still where he can see it and make him go stand in the corner. He can not have that item back until the next day. The standard 'time out' rule is 1 minute for every year of age. So your 2YO should stand in the corner for 2 minutes. Our son HATES being or feeling alone. So making him face away from us, feeling seperated from us while standing in the corner is part of the punishment. When it's time to come out of the corner, we give hugs & kisses and quietly & calmly again tell him, "No throwing." Although he still does it, it HAS gotten better. I can't expect him to 100% STOP doing something after a few times in the corner. But I know he gets it & we just have to stay consistant with the punishments.
I do NOT believe in the 'counting' method. You are teaching your child that they do NOT have to mind you right away, that they can continue to misbehave until they hear the word 'three'. I believe they need to learn to mind IMMEDIATELY for their own safety. If your child is reaching for something or running away from you and you tell them, "STOP!" They need to stop immediately, not 3 seconds later. 3 seconds later could mean they went ahead & grabbed that hot iron or pan or ran out into the street when you were telling them stop because they were waiting for you to count to 3 before they felt you meant what you said.

Sydney - posted on 07/20/2009

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I refuse to spank as well. We talk about EVERYTHING with her. We started this when she was very young. We talk to her as another adult, she knows we respect her. When she does something wrong- repetedly, she gets a time out. Otherwise, a stern no, or removal from the situation really works.
Kids want your attention, and when you don't give it to them, they'll do anything to get it. This can go good or bad. If they're ignored, they can act out to get attention. But also if they are whining or pitching a fit, they learn this gets nothing from you. We are also firm believers in "use your words" so she can tell us what is wrong. Hope that helps!

Kimberly - posted on 07/20/2009

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Yes, time outs are definitely beneficial. I started my daughter at 2. Sat her in a chair that buckled, so she couldn't escape, and set the timer for 2 minutes. At the end of 2 minutes, I got down to her level, and let her know in short sentences what she did wrong. She then had to apologize, then got big hugs after and it was forgotten. Now, at age 3, the timeouts are much much less. They are for 3 minutes and are increased 1 minute per age and she really understands. She is no longer buckled. If she moves from her spot on the step I simply place her back on it without a word til she stays there, then the 3 minutes start. I did that actually at about 27 months because at 3 they are much more stubborn. It is amazing how well behaved she is after coming out of a timeout. Many times I don't even have to ask for an apology. She offers one up on her own. She even puts her dolls in timeouts for not listening. It's a great tool, and is a great way to teach right from wrong. She doesn't hear me in the middle of a fit, but has my full attention after timeout.

Shanette - posted on 07/19/2009

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I do not spank my children... what works is consistancy... stay on her and no matter how hard or unruly she becomes (lol) dont give in...

Jennifer - posted on 07/19/2009

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Good for you! I hate to see moms spanking, smacking, or flicking! It just instills in them that violence is o.k. And then, they get yelled at for lashing out, themselves! That is the most confusing thing in the world for a little one!

Heather - posted on 07/19/2009

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I also have a two year old daughter who is trying to figure out life! She is quite bossy and will at times try to hit my other children. I simply remove her from the situation and tell her that we don't hit each other and explain why not. Then we hug and kiss and move on to an appropriate activity. She seems to respond well to this method.

Stefanie - posted on 07/19/2009

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The most effective I have seen since my son was doing that too was giving him words to put to his emotions, time outs (min per age) and talking afterwards with what he did wrong and what he could do next time, then apologize and give hugs. As for words, make them simple and not to long winded. They usually don't have a long attention span and you want to be effective without giving a lecture.

Julia - posted on 07/19/2009

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i am going through the exact same thing with my son, and i feel the same way about spanking as you do... i started putting him in time-out... the first couple times, he kept on getting up and crying and screaming and throwing things at me... but i just kept on sitting him back down and not responding to his crying... and now whenever he's doing something bad, i say "do you want to go in timeout?!" and he stops what he's doing(most of the time). it only took 3 timeouts! :) i suggest picking a designated chair or spot in the house for her timeouts... good luck! hope this helps!

Sarah - posted on 07/18/2009

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We do not use smacking (even though we were as children and so far not too many side effects... except a twitch !) - we use time out (as described by other mum's in this thread) - it works very effectively as does removing them from the situation that is causing the tantrum. Sometimes though you do just need to let them cry as it is a stress reliever for most young children. Just make sure there is not anything at hand that they can hurt themselves on. Effective communication is hard, but I have discovered that the best time to get my son's attention is after the time out and after he has settled down. And of course repeating myself endlessly. I also try to make it clear that Mum does not like his behavior not him.

Valerie - posted on 07/18/2009

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I say in a stern voice No, no. No throwing, pick it up. If she doesn't do it on her own, I get down to her level and do hand-over-hand picking up with her. I also use time out for brief periods, usually just like 30 seconds after the crying stops. I use a carpet square in a corner, safe area, that she sits on. When she gets out of time out I get down on her level and, for instance if she hadn't picked up the thing she threw yet b/c of her tantrum, I would have her pick it up then and put it where it belongs. Additionally, I have her "say sorry" by giving a hug and I tell her "mommy loves her, thank you, etc."

Melodi - posted on 07/18/2009

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You need to establish a time out chair and place it in a very boring place for your child. This will be your sanity saver! As soon as the object has whizzed by your head..you take your child by the hand and place her in that chair for one minute for how ever old she is. If she is 3 she goes in the chair for 3 mins,,etc. If she is anything like my child she will scream and cry in protest. Be strong and and ignore all attemps for attention until her time is up. However, if she gets up before she is supposed to you silently take her by the hand and lead her back to the chair. You may have to do this step several times, you may even have to do it with her kicking and screaming. Eventually she will give in I PROMISE!! (i know i know its heartbreaking...) When time is up, assuming she has stopped all crying and yelling, get down on her level, eye to eye with her, and explain to her what she did wrong and ask her if she is ready to say she is sorry for what she did. If she starts the crying all over again.. back in time out she goes. It can be very repetative, but if you dont want to spank its about the only way you can effectively get across to a child.

Lyndsay - posted on 07/18/2009

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Here are a few of my favourite behaviour modification techniques:

1. Planned ignoring.. if she's having a temper tantrum, let her rage. She's looking for attention and if you give it to her you're reinforcing her negative behaviour.

2. Redirection.. if she's throwing toys, bring her over to different toys and entice her to play with those.

3. Promises/rewards.. much better than threats/punishment because its about rewarding her for positive behaviour, rather than focusing on negative behaviour.



I'm going through school to be a child and youth worker and these are suggestions given to me there, which I also use at home. If you search "Fritz Reidl's behaviour modification techniques" you might be able to find the rest, there's 17 in total. I tried to google it before I answered your post and everything I found was about textbooks which cost money, but you may be able to find something elsewhere.

Marcia - posted on 07/18/2009

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Consistency and following through with what you say you'll do are the most important aspects. I'm actually looking for advice on "hands free" discipline for my 16 month old.

I can say, however, that once she's a little older, approaching the double digits, an easy "hands free" method is making her pick their own restriction. Pick three, or so, possible luxury for her to be "restricted" from, ie phone, tv, dvds, time out with friends, etc. Then give her a time frame for the restriction, a week, three days, etc. Just make sure the punishment suits the crime. I used this method on my youngest brother (whom I helped raise) when he was 8 and it worked like a charm. I noticed immediately that he stopped most of his destructive behaviors after the first offense. A benefit of this method, I think, is that it helps kids improve/practice their critical thinking skills.

Tracy - posted on 07/17/2009

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I also dont spank and time outs dont work for us. I started using behavior pockets along with some of my friends. We have all seen a huge improvement in our kids behavior. Check them out at www.disciplinemommy.com

Robin - posted on 07/17/2009

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Hey, i am in absolute agreement with you!! My daughter has a quick temper, but she is going on three and is starting to really learn how to manage it. I do what my mother did....as she is throwing something, hitting you, yelling etc...just keep telling her in a very calm and relaxed tone the way that she should be asking, or trying to get your attention. When i really got out of hand for my mother, she would hold me close on her lap and just wait until i calmed down and then talk to me about how i should ask, behave, etc. I have found that this is working very well, however, it does take A LOT of patience!!! but if you are CONSISTANT and stick with it, you will see improvement. also, when she behaves well in any way shape or form...let her reach into a "goody bag"...positive reienforcement. Im seeing a big difference in my little one and each day it gets a little better. GOOD LUCK....im here to chat with if you need to.

Tess - posted on 07/17/2009

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Hi, my daughter is entering that age early, and since she has a sister who is about to turn 4, we have, like the nanny shows a "naughty bench" That way there's room for more than 1 child. She has already been put into time out once for 1 minute. A minute for each year old. It has only happened once. Of course she has seen her sister go there and she knows she does NOT want to be there. No violence involved, and really, it ends up being most of the time simply the threat of "do you want to be put on the naughty bench?" or "do you want to be put into time out?" usually always works. As you can make a time out chair/naughty bench just about anywhere. I pretty much always use that technique, and it really works. The first and only time she had to go there, it was almost like she was proud to be doing what big sister does. It was cute. And same as below mom, at the end, I get down on her level, explain whyI puther in time out, and have her apologize. Our time out bench is a breakfast nook bench in the corner of the living room with a timer, since there are times I have to keep placing the older child repeatedly back on the bench and restart the timer, Ineed to be able to see them. Also we currently live in a 2 bedroom apt, so there really is no spare room.

Cristina - posted on 07/17/2009

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What I did with my son was time out, that seem to work at some point. When he trows things I make him pick it up. Onces they calm down from trwing a hissy fit I talk to him and let him know what they did wrong.

Daniela - posted on 07/17/2009

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That´s the way I do it: when they do something they know to be wrong I ask them to stop first. When they don´t stop I´ll tell them what the consequences will be if they don´t listen. If they still won´t stop I´ll count up to three and then they´ll have to deal with the consequences: either sitting on a chair in silence (no one close to them, no playing) for five minutes or I´ll take away whatever they were playing with.
Important is to be consequent! My three-year-old usually stops when I start to count, the younger one (2 in September) needs at least the "2" in counting, but it works out pretty good.

Crystal - posted on 07/16/2009

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I have a naughty chair. I started it when my son was one or son. It is a fold up chair in a bag. Once he sees the bag, he immediately behaves. I have a degree in child psychology and remember to allocate one min per year for time outs. If you go over this it is too long. I hope this helps :) If you use a room for time out it is hard when you are in public, a portable chair can go with anywhere and symbolizes naughty.

Lorraine - posted on 07/16/2009

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I'm with ya on that one! I hate the thought of anyone hitting a child. What seems to work really great for me is positive and negative reinforcement. Rewarding behaviors you like and making them fun or into a game, and removing things that might cause bad behaviors. I don't know if works for everyone, but I learned about it when I studied psychology, and it has worked so far.

Anita - posted on 07/16/2009

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Hi I think spanking won't do any good. What I do with my twins is when they throw things at each other a get the toy and hide it from them. I won't let them use it for a couple of days. Last time I closed their room. I told them they had to behave because throwing things is not good. That next time I saw that they were throwing toys at each other or at anyone else I was going to give away all the toys it has help. When I see they want to throw a toy I say " I'm going to give it away" Hope it helps you.

Samantha - posted on 07/16/2009

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try the time out corner or a steps call it the naughty step my daughter is 2 and a half mn this seems to work well another thing i do is i tll her i will take her toys away and i follow through wih it i have never raised a hand to her not once and these work for me hopefully it wil work for u

Lauren - posted on 07/16/2009

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i use the corner be stern and tell her you dont throw things but her in the corner for a minute per age some wont stay just keep at it putting her in ther or put her in her high chair an turn it towards a corner my daughter knows the corner and knows she gets put ther for doing something bad shell cr but i tell her wen shes dont crying she can come out then i get to her level and tell her what she did was bad

Sarah - posted on 07/16/2009

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Just realised your daughter is only 2 so you may have to modify what i said as my daughter is 5!!
The consistency thing is still VERY important tho! :)

Sarah - posted on 07/16/2009

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I don't spank either. The best advice i can give you is, whatever method you decide to use be consistent! Make sure she knows that when she misbehaves, you will ALWAYS follow through with the same punishment.
We use a 'thinking step'. It gives us both time to calm down, and then we discuss why she was put there, what she could have done differently etc, she apologises and we carry on with our day.
Good luck! Hope i've been of some help! :)

Stephanie - posted on 07/15/2009

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my son is 2 and he does the same thing.....i always get down to his level and look him in the eyes when im angry with him.....I also use different tones in my voice so he knows what he did was wrong. I never ever tell him that he's a bad boy, I tell him that he does NOT do that, and when i say NOT my voice is more firm with him so he knows that im not kidding around. It seems to be working well for me...I hope that helps a bit

Katie - posted on 07/14/2009

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Thank you Lynlee, its nice to know that other people share my same views! I've heard that you are supposed to give kids something to entertain themselves while in time out to distract them from what they were doing wrong and break the behavior. Mine is 2 and doesn't really understand when I try to explain things, any help on the communication aspect? Thanks so much!

Katie - posted on 07/14/2009

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Quoting Lynlee:

We also don't use smacking - we use time out but if you use that make sure it is effective ie. put her into an empty hallway or spare room where there is nothing to play with. If you just put her in her room she will have a good old time playing with her toys. We barely need to send our son to time out any more - if he misbehaves i start counting to five and he knows that when i get to five he goes to timeout. He always stops. If he does go to timeout I put him in the spare room and of course tell him why im putting him there, then leave him for one minute per year of age then go and get him and ask him why I put him there. I remind him if he has forgotten then tell him why what he did not acceptable. Then he has to apologise to whoever he hurt and then he gets a hug.


 

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