Seperated parents, new step parent not civil.... what to do?

Amber - posted on 05/05/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My daughters father and I are not together, been seperated for approx 2 years, He has gotten married and has another baby on the way. The new step mom told my daughter to call her mommy so her baby brother (who is not even due until September '12) wont be confused. I dont agree with that, she is step mom but not mommy. We talked about it, things got a little heated over the phone, in the mean time I no longer allow her to pick up my daughter, our exchanges are with dad and I, she comes along but no longer picking up on her own. Since all of that she has been completely rude and glares at me, yells at her husband to hurry up and c'mon during exchanges... We really need to be civil. Today at my daughters tball pictures she was really rude when I was introducing the coach to Kirahs father (SO COMPLETELY EMBARASSING).... Is there anything I can do? If she cannot be civil she doesnt need to be around. Kirah has made several comments about her being "mean" to me, so obviously its bother her. I try not to say anything around Kirah, I dont want her to deal with it. Any suggestions?

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Lynn - posted on 08/18/2015

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Not sure if this will help or not. I am a step parent to two boys for 11 years now. And I have heard of the horrible things they have told people about me. I have always been there for them and done everything for them.

Sometimes I don't think kids really know what and how it comes off when they say you are mean to them. My step boys told their fathers parents that I was mean and I didn't love them. When his parents told me, I nipped it. I politely stop the convo and asked that they be present. When they came in the room, I asked them in a calm manner if it was true. They hesitated but replied yes. Then I asked immediately why I was mean, they replied with because you make us clean our room, you make us eat and you always tell us what to do. As an adult we have to stand together and support one another.

The reason I asked them in front of their grandparents is because I knew that if I had asked them without them, they would only deny it. And I wanted their grandparents to hear of why I was mean to them.

I now have my own kids and I ask my kids to do just as much if more than I ever did them.

Kids that come from two family homes, I have noticed tend to play sides and work each family against each other. But as adults we all need to be on the same page. Kids will see that and learn not to play that card and if they do, they know it doesn't work.

Kay - posted on 05/06/2012

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Her daughter didn't say that she was mean to her (the daughter). She said she was mean to her mom. Different, and I don't know how that would stand up in court.

Going to court really isn't realistic in your case. This woman is going to be the mother of your daughter's half-sibling. Visitation is hardly likely to be restricted when it will impact your daughter's relationship with her sibling.

I am on the other side of the fence as a (future) stepmom, and I think she is behaving pretty crazy, honestly. Our son has no trouble calling me Mommy, even though his older sisters call me by my first name. I have picked them up a handful of times, but usually exchanges are with my fiancé and his ex-wife.

If it were me, I would try to deal with your ex directly. Let him know that you are not comfortable with some of the things that are going on. In any stepparent situation--dad or mom--it is up to the biological parent to set boundaries on both ends. DF has done this in a couple of ways. The biggest is that he takes care of the communication back and forth. She does not usually contact me, and I don't contact her. Although, now, we are on civil terms and sometimes talk back and forth on Facebook, lol.

Have you tried talking to her directly? I mean, she's going to be a mom too--perhaps she will understand.

These situations are so friggin' difficult! I am sorry that you are having these difficulties, and I wish the best of luck in resolving them.

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