Should I Allow my sons father back in his life?

[deleted account] ( 5 moms have responded )

My son is 6 years old and his father has been in and out of his life. We seperatey when my son was 8 months, got back together only to seperate again when he was 4.( this time for good) My son has witnessed his father hit me on more than one occasion and was still seeing his son as he pleased but mostly every other weekend. I have left the door open on that. However about 7 months ago my son saw his dad ht me again while doing his drop off. At this pony I defended myself as called the police in which my ex was arrested and has been on a restraining order since. My son does har a good time while

Visiting his father however seems to always call me cryin that he misses me and wants to come home. My ex is a known drug dealer and does cocaine. He says that he has stopped but I do not believe him. Next month we have trial for the assault since he has pleased not guilty. He has asked for the restraining order to be removed off of his son but I said no due to the fact that my son had witnessed everything and also my son does not want to see him. He has told

Me Numerous times not to ask him

Anymore and that he doesn't want to see him

Or talk to him. I have full custody of my

Son. His father was arrested for assault at the time

And also he was drinking while he had t son in the car with him. I know that his father loves him

And I know that he wouldn't harm him

Intentionally. I honestly believe he would not snort a line infront of him but I do know he would do it in the washroom etc.. My son has hung out with my exes friends who also do cocaine. The bottom line is I dot know what to do. Do I keep him away from

Him? Do

I allow supervised visitation ( which I'm

Afraid will lead to overnight etc..) or do I just let t son make his own decision and support him

No matter what?

I am

Worried this whole

Thing will affect his self esteem since sometimes I catch him

Saying " no one loves me etc" although he knows I do and

I remind him that his dad does as well. I don't talk poorly about his father at all. I've come to terms with what happened and I have forgiven him. Do I encourage this relationship or let my son make his own choice?


Heather - posted on 09/12/2012




It sounds like his father IS intentionally harming him, by hitting you at all let alone when the child is there.... by being around drugs at all, whether in the same room or not. I personally would not encourage this relationship. We have to keep our children safe at all costs. This includes their mental well being and being around this lifestyle is not good for him. Because he's already been significantly exposed to this already I'd also suggest that you have him see a counselor. This is traumatic for a little one and if the trauma is not addressed things will get worse for him. He's already showing signs of it in that he's saying nobody loves him...

You have to make the right decision for you and your son but you have to put his health and well being at the top of your priority list at all costs!

I really hope this works out for you and your son!


View replies by

Bethany - posted on 09/14/2012




i fully believe that a child has a right to know both mother and father UNLESS there is physical, sexual and metal abuse, and from what you have said there is 2 outta 3, i would suggest that an occasional supervised visit couldnt harm your son unless HE doesnt want to. at his age he remembers what is going on and if dad is a know drug dealer and you have no doubt that in sight or out of sight dad would be doing drugs then dont allow it, but be ready for the but why, tell him straight up that dad is doing the wrong thing and that you worry that he, ur son, wont be safe with him alone, kids are resiliant and will figure it out on their own that why no lies from you should ever hafta be delt with. your his mum and his last line of defense against what could turn out tragic if ur guard slipt! i would seek legal advise on the do's and donts regarding your specific case that way if you choose no and you have a valid legal reason then he has no come back

what ever happens always tell him about his dad and dont hide anything or it could turn against you later on ox

Bernnie - posted on 09/13/2012




Wow that's a lot to deal with. It seems you are trying your best to be the better person but what you may want to take into account is do you want your son to grow up thinking its ok to hit a women? Another thing you may want to try is ask the courts if it's possible when it is time for him to visit with his dad you guys can meet at the nearst police station for drop off or pick ups? Or is there a family member who doesn't fear him that will be willing to allow you to drop off your son at there place so you are not put in the position to have to deal with his abuse . After I divorced my x husband for 2 years I would take the children to the local police station and meet my x there. When he realized that he couldn't hurt me with words or his fist he longer wanted to see his children.

Nicky - posted on 09/12/2012




If you feel your child is not in a good/unsafe enviorment when he is with his dad I would not allow it. You tried to let it work and he did not change his ways. Also if your son doesnt want to see him then that says alot, dont force him. My youngest sons father has been in and out of his life since he was 6 months old, he is now 4. He went to jail (for drugs) and just got out in june. He wanted to see my son though he hasnt seen him since he was 2 for about 20 minutes. I told him I wasnt going to allow it and that he needs to thank my boyfriend for telling me to let my son at least get a chance to know his real dad, I told him this is his last chance, if hes going to be in his life he would have to prove it to me & him by visiting more then once every few months for 20 min. My son does not know who he is, he doesnt remeber him @ all but I tried to let their relationship build. It didnt work! He came over twice to visit for maybe 30 min each time and once to the park to meet us. I havent heard from or seen him in about 3 months! That was it again I was proven right & him wrong. I know in my heart I tried to let it work and it didnt. I will not let him see him ever again. All he is dodin is hurting my son by coming in and out of his life. It isnt healhy for any child to have that. children need stabability in their lives. I wish you luck and do what you feel in your heart is the best for your child.

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