spanking my baby!

[deleted account] ( 68 moms have responded )

i am sick to death of hearing from my husband and his family to spank our daughter. since he and i got back together when she was a year old he has spanked her behind her hand and scolds her. after a month of it i put a stop to it. mainly because she is a baby, plus i dont agree with spanking a toddler. what do i do! she is 21 months now and even his mother says a spanking every now and again is necessary. i dont want him treating her like his sister treats her child who is younger, fussing at her all the time talking to her to come here sit down dont do that all the time she is around her. i talk sweet to my baby and kiss her and hug her and tell her i love her. when she acts up in the store in the shopping care hegets frustrated and says she needs her butt whiped. in public when she wants to get down and walk or she screams in the store just out of the blue he gets mad. then he tries to scold her and she gets mad, and flings her arms or kicks and she gets him in the face sometimes and he gets so mad. but because im right there he doesnt do anything. its my fault she acts like this he says. i dont trust his parenting as he is more about disipline than loving her. she cant talk to tell ppl what she wants but im tired of him saying his niece is well behaved and shes younger. btw this is notmy husbands first child. he has three from hhis first wife. if i bring up that he didnt spank them because they were sure house apes he says he did while they were married but not after the divorce becauise it was in the divorce decree no corporal punishment to the kids. i never spanked them, i kept them busy doing stuff, like arts and crafts and helping me. they were at the time all under the age of six. so summer times while he was at work i took care of them. but he wants to scold and spank my baby. i was spanked as a kid all the time! i couldnt be a kid, i would get in trouble for the look on my face or my tone or how i walked too loud or huffed under my breath. i was smacked in the face by my mom if i back talked slapped wherever my mom or dad could reach at the time. and as an adult, i dont want to ever make her feel the way i did. it made me want to fight my parents back, it made me mad and questioned if they loved me why they hit me soooo hard. then when my brother and sister were born ten years later, they never spanked them at all! help me deal with these inlaws.

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Tzan - posted on 12/26/2011

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There is nothing wrong with spanking as long as it is done in an appropriate manner. Ultimately, regardless of whether you chose to spank your child or not, the "punishment should fit the crime" or the disciplinary action needs to fit the offense. Spanking should not be the go to consequence every time a child does something they shouldn't, but neither should sweet talking. Essentially, we teach our children what the boundaries are by how we respond to their behavior. If you inconsistently or rarely or never discipline then your child learns very quickly that they can pretty much do whatever they want. If you spank everytime they do any little thing then it looses it's effectiveness. If you constantly give in to their demands, whether out of desperation, exhaustion, or because you just don't like to see them upset, they learn that and start expecting that everyone is suppose to give in to whatever they want.

Sounds like your child acts the way she does with your husband because you allow it. She sees how you treat him when he attempts to discipline her. He wants to address the negative behavior, you don't like the way he does it so you overcompensate with negative and disrespectful behavior towards him and sweet behavior towards your child. She views this as a reward. So she learns to treat her father with negative behavior because she knows she will be rewarded by you with whatever she wants. Not good!

As parents, the way we discipline our children is a learned behavior. Generally speaking, we either do what our parents did, or we do the opposite. What we should do is figure out what worked and what didn't, thereby implementing an improved version of their form of discipline.

There are ways to discipline a child that do not involve spanking. The key is consistency and follow through. If you tell them that certain negative behavior results in certain consequences, then you need to be prepared to follow through and implement those consequences when they test you (and they will). For example, if the consequence for lying is no TV or computer or phone (or whatever) for a week, then when they lie to you you need to take it away...not just threaten it. Otherwise they learn that you don't mean what you say. For example, if you tell someone (child or adult) that you will do something tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes, they learn very quickly that you don't mean what you say, regardless of how good your intentions when you made the commitment. You loose trust and credibility. Same thing goes for parenting.

You said several times that you view your 21 mo as a baby and you don't think she really understands. Let me tell you this...she absolutely understands! She understands that if she wants her way all she has to do is throw a tantrum or raise her voice, or cry or even remotely act upset and you will give it to her. You said, "shes a baby to me and doesnt do anything that needs punishment". So, disrespecting her father or other adults, throwing a tantrum when she doesn't get her way, or hitting adults is acceptable behavior? You also said, "when she is four or five and knows right from wrong". How do you think she is going to know right from wrong? It is not something that automatically kicks in when she turns 5, like when teeth start coming in. That's why it's called LEARNING right from wrong. In order for someone to learn something they need to be taught. A child learns more within the first 5 years then they do at any other time of development. That is a fact! Right now you are teaching her that it is right for her to demand her way, expect to get whatever she wants, and that disrespecting her father is acceptable and results in her being rewarded by you, who she is around the most. You are also teaching her that it's wrong for anyone to discipline her or to not give in to her, especially her father.

You are both her parents therefore you BOTH need to parent her. Clearly you have differing views on how that needs to go. So, you need to work really hard to come up with discipline that works for both of you...which means that you are both going to have to come down from your extreme views and meet somewhere in the middle. Because it seems that you are each causing each other to become more and more extreme in your views of appropriate disciplinary action as well as with each other and your daughter is caught in the middle. Neither of you are doing her any favors, and clearly your marriage is, and will continue to, suffer as a result. You are undermining his ability to be a father to his child, rather than trying to work with him. You complain that he does not seem loving enough yet and he complains that you don't seem strict enough. Find the mutually acceptable middle ground so you are BOTH giving your child realistic and age appropriate boundaries, and healthy and appropriate discipline. This, along with an abundance of love, hugs and kisses, and cuddle time will make a significant difference in your child's behavior and your marriage!

Joy - posted on 12/25/2011

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We don't spank because we don't think it teaches our daughter what we want her to learn. If we tell her 'no hitting' (or kicking) because it hurts Mommy, Daddy, playmate, etc. then we also have to follow through with 'no hitting' our daughter. Discipline should be used to teach.

More examples: I was also spanked as a child - mostly for when I told a lie. Well, I learned to be more sneaky & manipulative so I wouldn't get caught and spanked. I'm trying to keep my daughter from that.

Instead I teach her consequences of her actions. If she's yelling or acting up in a store, we leave the store. -maybe she's too tired anyway and needs a nap. Whatever's in the store can wait til another time or if we were shopping for something for her - she doesn't get it. Or just yesterday: she was very excited for Christmas, but acted up during Christmas Eve service. So I took her to the car and told her she missed the service because of her behavior so we weren't going to do any more celebrating last night.

Perhaps you & husband should sit down and discuss what you want to teach your baby. They pick up so many lessons about life in the first 5 or 6 years of life. So be very careful about what is done to them.

[deleted account]

If he has a court order from his first marriage stating that he can't spank the kids... ask him how he'd handle her if he got a court order against spanking HER as well. Not that I think you should leave him over this, but maybe it would make him realize that spanking her is not an option.



I'm not totally anti-spanking, but the two of you NEED to agree on how you will approach discipline and punishment. If you have such a huge split in what you believe is appropriate... it WILL destroy your relationship.

Jenni - posted on 12/27/2011

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I am raising 3 children without physical discipline but luckily my husband doesn't agree with spanking and his parents were never spankers. My mom did spank us, but she never liked to, she just didn't know what else to do in the ways of discipline. There just wasn't a whole lot of resources on positive discipline and alternative methods at the time.



There are plenty of methods to disciplining your child effectively without using physical discipline. So many equate no spanking to no discipline. Or no consequences for actions, just "talking to them".



You will probably never convince your in laws that their method isn't the "right" method for you or your daughter. But you must be clear with them that these are the methods *you* are choosing for your daughter and they need to respect your decision even if they don't agree. This means, they may not discipline your daughter in this manner. Instead provide them with how you would like them to discipline. Whether it be timeouts, logical consequences, redirection. You may not be able to escape their criticism but just be confident in your choices on how to discipline your daughter.



Now of course it's much more tricky when dealing with your husband as it's very important you are on the same page with discipline. It is difficult to find a common ground when one parent is completely against spanking. He fears that not spanking her = no discipline. Which probably scares the crap out of him when he thinks of dealing with a teenage daughter one day who has not been "disciplined". So my suggestion would be to research positive discipline methods. Build your arsenal and show him, that positive discipline isn't about sitting on the sidelines and allowing your child to rule the roost. Positive parenting does not equal permissiveness. He can still be an authoritative parent without having to turn to physical discipline.



Show him what he can do instead of spanking in certain circumstances. Explain what the certain method is meant to accomplish.



An example would be the timeout. A timeout is not suppose to be a substitute for spanking. T.O.'s are meant for specific behaviours. Generally, when the child has lost control of their emotions and is causing harm to themselves, others or property. Teaching the child to take quiet time to themselves when they feel strong emotions encourages an emotionally fit adult. They don't have to go it alone either, you can sit with them and help them work through the strong emotions. During this quiet time they can squeeze a bear, count to ten, do deep breathing, jump jacks anything that helps them work through their anger, frustration, disappointment in an appropriate way, in place of acting out negatively. If you treat it like a positive thing and not a punishment, your child will learn to take their own timeouts as my children have. Also by modelling the behaviour yourself. Announcing when you need a timeout, let your child see you go to a quiet spot and count to ten. Explain to your husband this is why you use them. Teaching your child how to handle these emotions with maturity and appropriately.



Positive discipline methods tend to take time, patience and consistancy. They are not a quick fix method. But they do boast more effective long term results. Think of these methods as the marathon of discipline, not the sprint to the finish line that spanking is.



If you'd like more info on specific positive discipline methods you can join our community here on COM:



http://www.circleofmoms.com/positive-beh...

Jimena - posted on 02/10/2012

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Let me tell you, I try to stay away of post including husband and wife disagreements on how to rise kids, but your touch my hart.... I had the same exact issue with my husband...

when my daughter was born, he was all into "when she is bigger, she is going to be discipline when she misbehave" "they spank me, and slapped me and everything was fine with me" so I did not say anything at the time until my baby turn 3 and he slapped her on her mouth because she she said NO to him very mad! I was so so so mad at him that i take my daughter a bag for her and a bag for me and sleep in a hotel room that weekend. When i get back home, he was very mad (he knew were we were) and told me he will correct the baby as he pleased. I stop him right there and told him if he touched her one more time he will be out of the house and with a divorce in his hands. He left. For 6 months i was a single mom. He came back to apologize to the baby and with an Anger Management diploma and 10 book appointments for family therapy. If you really want him to stop, you have to stop him, not the in laws. They are encouragment, but he is the one that needs to stop and if he dosn't you need to star thinking on plan B.

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Liana - posted on 10/18/2012

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I understand but if she does somthing erong then he does have the right to spank her because he is her faather

Jimena - posted on 02/14/2012

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ok Renne.... you need to stop talking about one good weekend you guys had together and star thinking on the wonderful that your daughter and you will have. were are you? state? This is the time to look at your baby girl gather yourself together and start building your future. You do not have to feel sorry for him because he do not deserve you or your baby. Go to DCF and talk to a counselor they will help you. Remember this is the best that could happen to you and your baby girl!!!!!!!! but you need to be strong for her!

[deleted account]

no all my family are five hours or ten hours away. i cant trust he will help me because thats what he promised when i was pregnant and didnt. i lost my home, my vehicle and moved alot because he wouldnt pay child support. im so upset at him, we had a great weekend together.

Kristina - posted on 02/13/2012

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Oh honey, im so sorry. For now just breathe, focus on your baby for now to keep your mind busy. I promise you that eventually it really will get better. You can be stromg and make amazing things happen in your life without a man. You make sure that he willmat least help you financially. If he doesn't go to your local courthouse and get an emergency child support order going. Is there anyone near you that you can talk to?

[deleted account]

well, he left us, again. He left me when i was two months pregnant and married. We've been together not even a year and he left us for good. Im in a state where i have no family, no job or money just sitting here in a house of stuff i dont know what to do. im so sick to my stomach, that he left instead of talking about it with me. i talked to him about working things out a month ago and seeing a therapist and he was willing. but never went. i dont know what to do, im so sad for my baby. i mean if i left it would be on mutual terms he just walked out tonight after i guess thinking about it at work all day. what do i do, the timing has gotten me thrown offf. i gues i figured he would say oh i love you lets work this out for our baby.

Kristina - posted on 02/13/2012

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Hard situation. I would say don't let them make you second-guess yourself. You are who you are and bottom line she is your daughter, she depends on you. What I have learned to do is smile and say that is great advice, then change the subject. Don't be disrespectful because they are going to be in your life forever but stand your ground and protect your daughter in situations that make you uncomfortable. If they are just talking then just listen, people love to hear themselves talk, but if they get physical put your daughter first, not their feelings.

Kristina - posted on 02/13/2012

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Hard situation. I would say don't let them make you second-guess yourself. You are who you are and bottom line she is your daughter, she depends on you. What I have learned to do is smile and say that is great advice, then change the subject. Don't be disrespectful because they are going to be in your life forever but stand your ground and protect your daughter in situations that make you uncomfortable. If they are just talking then just listen, people love to hear themselves talk, but if they get physical put your daughter first, not their feelings.

[deleted account]

Jimena, i can tell its to the end. we dont sleep in the same room and spent the whole day yesterday, a good time in along time. But no affection from him. When I try and be nice and hold his hand or joke he tells me im annoying, It breaks my heart to see him cold to me all the sudden. When Ive been so angry at him the past month or so that i tell him i want to leave or i dont like him and he jokes yes you do and makes me smile, he tries to do everything i ask of him and he tries to show love to our baby but it feels fake. like the only one he loved was his dad, they were so close and best friends for so long that he says he has no emotion towards anyone. that we should split because im not the man i want him to be. i stopped trying being nice since after christmas because of all of this with his anger and that im scared of what it may lead to. So he left this morning without telling me he loves me. Its like the nicer I am to him, the more of a jerk he is. When its going good he just wants it to be bad, so he says something like he did or act someway that he knows will upset me or hurt my feelings easy. i dont know how to deal with ppl i guess. i thought i needed to get out, now, im sitting here feeling alone like everyday. its just disappointing when we had a fun day as a family yesterday and we needed that to connect again, then he says nothing about it. i dont know what to do...

i have to put my feelings aside and do whats best for my daughter, but what is that? take her away from her dad and never see him again?? I cant deal wit h joint custody with him, if i move back home out of state he wont do anything. I said lastnight if we were to move he wouldnt care waking up without us here. he said nothing....

Jimena - posted on 02/12/2012

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Renee, I think you maybe in trouble here! if this is when the baby is just acting like a baby I do not want to imagine how much more it could escalate to when she really start misbehaving. Did you ever consider to get counseling for you? even that you do not have a problem, you need tools to coop with the abusive behavior of your husband. Did you ever consider that maybe you need to get a break from him and re evaluate the family dynamics and if is really going to work out?

[deleted account]

jess, he was only home ten minutes tonight and yelling at our little toddler. she wanted down from the couch with him and was haulering. he gets onto her and she cry so pettiful. instead of asking her want she wanted. he yells at her. i said something to him and now for three hrs he hasnt said a word to any of us.

Jess - posted on 02/10/2012

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he needs to take a parenting class and learn PATIENCE! people who have no patience dont make good parents! I have learned years ago you have to have patience.... all kids test limits, its how they learn boundaries... its part of growing up... but as a parent, he has a job and duty to protect his children & love them unconditionally, keep them safe from harm... & being "out of control" and impulsive, I'd tell him he needs a TIME OUT! hitting is not an option if he wants to continue to be a part of your life!

Jess - posted on 02/10/2012

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okay so if its in his divorce decree no corporal punishment for his older kids, than that should be the same with your young daughter!

If corporal punishment was okay, by any standards, why would the judge specifically put that in the order??

I would make it very clear to him, that any physical punishment is not going to be tolerated and stick to your words. her right to a safe loving home trumps any of his thoughts on physical discipline!

you can get your point accross to a young child without hitting or spanking!

Time outs worked wonders for my 3 boys!

one minute for every year of age.

Stand your ground, do not back down or give in... your doing this for the stability of your child. and his family should respect you and your choice for parenting your child!

it is against the law for any adult other than a parent to use physical discipline... keep that in mind if your daughter is ever at your inlaws! wish you the best of luck!

[deleted account]

Monica, I am not being unfair to him as he has a history of abuse and alcohol abuse. I am only looking out for my daughter while living in the same house as him. I dont fight or strike other ppl out of rage, and now that Ive seen him at his worse that he has done that to his own mother, I keep a close watch on him dealing with our daughter or his kids from his other marriage. Its not to be 100% my way and thats why i posted this this out of frustration a few months ago. I will not spank her, she is a baby, she doesnt know the difference. When she is a bit older and I can ask her if she knows why she is in trouble rather it be for biting or screaming in the store and she gets punished for it, then I will teach her to calm down and relax. But she doesnt understand what im saying when I say, that was bad or anything else but No.

Monica - posted on 02/09/2012

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because not everyone knows about your past his past and the past that you have shared together i think that you need to just talk to him and figure out a disapline plan that you can both agree to.. me and my husband have a system that has been in place since our twins were born and has worked wonderful since.. we spank but not often only when it is needed and its not a hard spanken its a pat on the butt.. i think that its really the thought of oh my i just got spanked is what gets them to understand no matter how hard or soft it is.. i think that you are being compleatly unfair to your daughters father and you cant put down his parenting because its not 100% YOUR way.. i mean i do understand that you came from a physical family and want different for your child but you have to disapline her or she will walk all over you because you will always give her what she want as long as it makes HER happy.. sounds me to that you guys could use a family counceler.. but in the end you will make what ever choice you make and it dont really matter what any of the moms on here have posted. i hope the best for your daughter!

[deleted account]

Tiffany those are great suggestions and encouragement, THANK YOU. I will definitely try. She does like to walk in the store but now shes big into coloring and i bring something along for her to color and sit in the buggy. O I have said taht to my childs father before, look at him now, I wont be letting his mom say anything in regards to raising her because look at you. A year ago after loosing his father he started to drink way more than his usual each night. I had taken my little one to the after hours clinic because she was running a fever from an ear infection about 8pm. He then went to his moms house who is a drinker as well. There they sat with other people drinking all night until about 3AM when his sister came to my house bawling he was in jail for beating his mom and knocked another guy out they thought was dead but went to icu. After a week in jail his mom and sister barrowed money from me to bail him out. No one wanted him to live with them until he got a job and seek help. He agreed and stayed with me. I hated every minute being his warden and scared for us, but he didnt drink anything until this past Thanksgiving dinner. The whole time this year if he gets upset because i nag him he starts yelling and being loud. Or mad if i get onto him about how he handles our daughter. I think its pretty much over. I believed in him like the Bible tells me to do and not judge him. But, as the advice ive gotten from other websites is that once an alcoholic always and drug user and woman abuser. His mom and family forgave him and there was no reprocussion from what he did, he is a felon now and its embarassing to be with someone like that. i feel like all of my high standards growing up as a young girl are all out the window. I just dont want to have to move back to the state im from because there are no good jobs there and high poverty rate. Here im enrolled in online classes to be a teacher i started when i first met him but quit. Now, six yrs have gone by and we were divorced for one year and back together this past year. His excuse is that since his dad died he went off the deap end. I wouldnt understand he says.

Tiffany - posted on 02/08/2012

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You tell the inlaws, that now and days, spanking your child can get them taken away. I called my mother one day and asked about a way for punishment when the kids throw there fits and don't wanna listen and when they wanna fight. My twins are 2 years old, and they have watch me have to make my son put his nose to the wall. Mom told me, don't spank them, they are to young for it. She said slap the bottom of there foot. She said it stings a little bit, but they get the hint....Tell the husband that there is nothing wrong with your child specially if she's the way she is because of you. She just wants to walk. Not be pushed. My girls do the same in the grocery store. They wanna walk, so we make the oldest hold there hand and they hold mine. Hubby pushes the basket like a little girl LOL...Don't spank the child. Slap her on the heal of her foot. Slapping her in the face is a BIG NO NO....bust her mouth and you have big issues. Law says spank and go to jail. Doesn't say anything about slapping the bottom of your 2 year olds heals. If you don't use some kind of punishment, they won't learn that those things are there to be used. Tell dad to back off and let you love your baby. You carried her for 9 months, Not him....tell the inlaws your not raising your baby like they did theres....Look at him now...(Hint)

[deleted account]

thank you Dorothy. I do feel like the best is to leave. It was very hard when she and I were alone before. SOme friends tell me to just deal with it to have a place to live. I feel like all my driven ideas and independence is gone. A year ago I was strong willed and nothing got in my way to support my baby and have a safe loving environement even if it was just she and I. He hugs on her and loves on her alot more sincee this was written in Dec. He doesnt threaten to spank her or be mean. He just acts uninvolved and emotionless. he says since his dads death last year, he has lost his bf and all emotions. but he also has three other kids out of state that he hasnt tried to go see in over a year. thats five hours away. He is on lexapro but doesnt take it regular so I dont know if heis depressed or what but he is no fun to be around. lazy and cares only about going to work and whats going on with his mother and sister. hes trying to please all of us, but if eel like he needs to put his kids first and me since we live together we are a family. Right now im working on finishing my BA degree to be a kindergarten teacher. after the summer semester i will bea able to search for jobs. that will give me the oppertunity to look for jobs elsewhere. or i can take my savings and leave now. it hurts my heart to not see him again, but i dont know if he feels that way if he never saw me and my little girl.

Dorothy - posted on 02/08/2012

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Personally I'm against spanking. But this isnt just about spanking. This is about you as a family unit. Which by the sounds of things, you're not. It's you against him and vice versa. If you want your kids to be well behaved, you're going to have to start working together. Lets face it, our kids are now our main priorities and whatever we do, we do with them in mind first. When did you last make any decision that didn't involve taking your kid into consideration? My point being, your child will be the main focus for a very very long time. Do you want to wake up tomorrow morning worrying about your husband and inlaws, or do you want to change it. It seems as tough you know what to do, deep down you know your childs needs come before your own. So do what you think is right. If neither of you can compromise on this then what are you still doing together. Trust. Respect. Love. Its what we teach our kids. Teach your daughter by showing her. You seem like a kind and loving mother, so surely she will be learning from you how to love. Keep loving her and your road will become more clear, the more you keep her in mind. Good luck.

Lori - posted on 02/05/2012

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I do believe in spanking. To a point. By spanking I mean ONE (no more than that) good pop on the butt or hand, depending on what they have done. Also it should only be done when it is truly warranted and completely as a last resort. Not every offense deserves a spanking. It also depends on the age of the child. Spanking (if you choose to do it) should only happen after the age that you KNOW your child will understand why they are getting spanked. Before that age, which varies from child to child, it is pointless to spank because it just scares the child and just makes them cry more. Sometimes just removing the child from the situation helps.



I do try and talk to my little girl (2 1/2) when she does something wrong and let her know why it was wrong and why she should not do it again. I have popped her twice but realized that she is still too young for spanking to be effective.



If you are able to correct your child effectively before a spankable age is established and it continues to work then hopefully you will never have to spank them. Your husband just seems to be repeating the patterns that he grew up with. It may be the same as the "cycle of abuse" that parents pass on to their kids and the kids in turn pass to their own kids and so on. If you can convince your husband to help you break that cycle of spanking that he grew up with good for you. I hope that you are successful in your efforts. Maybe mention seeing a professional to try and work out the differences and see how it is really impacting your child.

Hannah - posted on 02/05/2012

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Wow. Your husband sounds like a terrible father...you should kick him to the curb. Why did his first wife divorce him? And why would it be necessary for the wife to add a stipulation stating that legally he could not corporeally punish his kids? Because he is an abusive father. Yuck, keep your sweet baby away from him, and tell his parents to f off. If they want to be in her life they are going to do it on your terms.

Christina - posted on 02/05/2012

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When your child acts out, simply take away a privledge. Or ask them if they want to lose one. My own mother disagrees with reasoning with a child so young, but my 3 year old responds very well to it, worth a shot! hope it helps!

Randi - posted on 02/04/2012

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Put your foot down. My husband wants to start spanking my 20 month old and I told him just because the other kids are old enough for it (very rarely...they have to do something off the wall naughty) doesn't mean she is. THey are babies until they can express themselves with words spanking is wrong. A slight no no with a tap on the hand is sometimes ok but I will not let my baby be spanked until guess what...she's not a baby and as far as other kids being more well behaved, my nephew knows he will be spanked so he doesn't act up in front of his parents...that's not better behaved that's making your child afraid of you....not right

[deleted account]

thank you Dora! It feels good to have someone understand my thoughts and meaning behind my frustration. Its gotten to where we dont even go anywhere together as a family. If i get groceries i do it and carry her around with me while hes at work. we dont even make a trip to walmart anymore because he nevers waits til he gets home to go, he goes after work for whatever. he doesnt take her to the park on sundays like ive aksed him to do with us and worsely, we stopped going to church since christmas. im fine with her, but shes getting heavier now and need him to help me when she throws a tantrum in the store or where ever we are. usually because we have to leave and she isnt wanting to go so she has a fit. its pretty much like living by myself again like it was last year before we got back together.

Dora - posted on 02/03/2012

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First of all my heart goes out to you. No child should ever be treated in a way which makes them question whether or not mommy/daddy love them. That really breaks my heart. I NEVER understood the reasoning behind hitting a child. Your child acts up so in return you cause hem physical pain????? I just don't get it. You sound like such a lovely mother. The fact that you want to love her, kiss her, hug her and make her feel wanted in my eyes makes you a perfect MOMMY. Put your foot down. Don't ever let anyone hurt your baby. There are other ways to discipline a child without spanking them. There are many kind and positive ways to do it.

Sara - posted on 01/22/2012

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well i ave to kids i ave an 3 year old an a 17 mounth old an i have done the naughty spot an i have took toys off thm well mainly my eldest coz he as bin the badest an it as never worked so mine get a smaked hand an i do agree wid a smaked hand or bottom there is a VERY BIG DIFFRENCE between a smack and abuse an just coz ye smak thm dose not mean your children will not love you any less i have a brilliant relationship with my kids i hug thm an kiss thm all the time i tel them i love them all the time same as thy do me an at the end of the day wen were were younger we got smaked an were showd respect to out elders were kids these days tht dont get disaplind are terrble wen they are older kids need boundris an yes it makes ye feel awfulll after given thm a smaked hand or bottom but 5 min later they are there happly playin an given ye hugs an kisses as long as you tell them what you ave smaked thm 4 so they understand what they did is wrong i always giv mine 3 warrnings an if they do not behave after the 3rd warning they get a smak but at the end of the day its up to you how you fetch your child up every parent is diffrent sum kids need more disaplin thn others

Nichole - posted on 01/22/2012

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Yeah just what we need in this owrld another coddled child. The world is harsh, thank you for teaching her that the world will give her what ever she wants!

Melissa - posted on 01/22/2012

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i think you need to have a long talk to your husband, your daughter is far too young to understand why she is being spanked, until she is old enough to understand why she's being spanked try the time out method. wither it at home supermarket park where ever if you keep using it for when shes naughty she'll start to understand.



and as for the whole walking behind him, is it just me or is he wanting her to fear him? how about affection like you said shes not a dog. i would put my foot down and put a stop to this right now!!!!



even though he's your husband you should be putting your child's needs 1st and leave this neanderthal if he doesn't change his ways.

Gloria - posted on 01/12/2012

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I don't know about that young but we do spank our daughter when she misbehaves, its a persona decision between mother and father, my parents and his parents have NO right to ever lay a hand on our daughter. As mother do whats best for your child.

Joy - posted on 01/11/2012

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I don't think I advocated divorce in my posts... I think I acknowledged others who suggested it, but I'm not in favor of it.

Joy - posted on 01/11/2012

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Or spanking for specific things. ie. My parents spanked me for lying. I only got spanked for that behavior. It made me more manipulative in the long run, but at least they were consistent with it. Usually when I lied, Mom would tell Dad after he came home and then I'd get a spanking. They were always in agreement with the outcome (at least from what I knew when I was a young child.)

Tzan - posted on 01/11/2012

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Perhaps they need to be open to each other and each other's ideas in order to figure out what is going to be best for their child. It can't be an all or nothing with both of them because they won't get anywhere. There are reasons why Renee does not want her child spanked, and I'm sure there are reasons he thinks that's best. But they will never come a decision if they don't sit down and be willing to hear each other out and go from there. He may find that her reasons are compelling enough to whole heartedly try not spanking, but there has to be some kind of give and take. Meaning, maybe he gives in on the no spanking, but she will have to give in on other ways to be more consistent in upholding the boundaries that are set that does not involve appeasement of the child or disrespecting of the husband.

Joy - posted on 01/11/2012

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As I said, if you don't sit down & discuss with the father - you will end up with 'Mommy/Daddy-ing' from the child. It will not matter if you stay together or get a divorce. In fact, if you get a divorce the Mommy/Daddy-ing could become a lot worse.

[deleted account]

I agree Tzan, but from the way the original post sounded it makes it seem like spanking is the only disipline he wants to do and that is where I see the problem. I agree that they should sit down and come to an agreement on how to disipline their child, but it seems like he needs to be a little more open to disiplinary ideas.

Tzan - posted on 01/11/2012

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And that's great for you Kayla that you and your husband have determined together a disciplinary plan that works for your household and your children. We have three children and we have a discipline plan in place that works for our household and our children as well. And my children are well mannered and behaved. THAT is exactly why I have said over and over that the two of them need to sit down and make those decisions together.

Tzan - posted on 01/11/2012

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Very true, and as I stated in my previous posts, there are other affects means of discipline than spanking. But from what it sounds like, he is not in on any of the decision making in regards to disciplining his child. Whatever way parents decide to discipline their child(ren) should be something they determine together, and that is clearly not the case here.



But, my frustration was more about the posts advising her to leave or end her marriage, and the comments saying the father doesn't know how to be a father or is abusive because he believes in spanking. Regardless of what form of discipline is used, there are right and wrong ways to do it.

[deleted account]

And Tzan, I am married with one child of my own and two step children and my husband and I argue over some stuff but when it comes to parenting we both agree as will many children psychologists that physical disipline is not the way to go. All three of our children are extremely well mannered and very sweet and we have not once layed a hand on them for disipline, if our children do something they arent supposed to we remove them from the situation, if they go back they go into time out, and from my experience this works very well.

[deleted account]

I respect your opinion to disagree with my opinon Tzan, however, I did not say that the father or his parents have no right disiplining the child, I was saying that they do not have a right to lay their hands on the child. I firmly believe that laying your hands on your child or any other child is uncalled for, although I do believe that there are other ways to disipline a child. And I agree with you that the childs grandparents are alowed to disipline the child within the parents wishes, however Renee has stated that she does not want her inlaws to spank her child, and I do believe that the inlaws should obide by this. I am not trying to "dog" on the father, however it sounds as if he only wants to spank their child out of frustration or anger, which I believe is out of line, you should never hit a child out of frustration or anger. I do not blame him for getting frustrated or embarrassed from his childs actions, but it does not mean he needs to spank their child because of it, there are other forms of disipline such as timeout that he could use.

Tzan - posted on 01/11/2012

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Some of the advice that has been posted here is quite interesting...if you and your husband have differing thoughts on parenting...him more strict you more leniant...so therefore you should just leave him! Yes, because that is exactly what marriage is about!!! If it gets tough just leave! Disagree...leave! Come from different backgrounds...leave! Don't like the way he does something...leave! Wow...I know this is a parenting website for moms, but good gravy people! I didn't realize it was a down on dads AND marriage website as well!



For all of you that are married, do you not remember your vows...you know the part that said "For better or worse"...how about "til death do you part"? Or is your marriage AND your husband so perfect that anything less is unacceptable and therefore grounds for divorce? Because to be honest, I don't recall that kind of out clause in my marriage vows. Trust me when I say I would have been out 10 years ago and saved myself a multitude of headaches, frustrations, and arguments! I have never seen so much avocacy for divorce over disciplining a child who very clearly needs some - all children do! It is infuriating and truly sad at the same time.



I completely disagree with the comments about neither the in laws nor "the guy you are with" (as Kayla stated) having NO rights to discipline or spank the child! "The guy" she is with is not some random male she picked up and has been sleeping around with! He is her husband AND the child's father! Therefore he has every right to discipline HIS child! And those in laws are the child's grandparents so they also have a right to discipline the child - in a manner respectful to the PARENTS' decision, yes, but still rights.



Just because we are mothers does not mean we have cornered the market on raising children, people! Yes, we tend to be the more nurturing ones, but that does not mean that the fathers have no place in disciplining THEIR children, or the children they are parenting (such as step fathers or fathers that have adopted children). Hence why it is extremely important for BOTH parents to have a dialogue and make the decision TOGETHER! The way some of you talk, fathers are expendible and don't amount to much more than ignorant sperm donors that you should just drop like a hot potato if they don't do things the way YOU determine they should be done!



With attitudes like some of yours it's no wonder the number of divorces and the number of single parent families are at an all time high! So sad!



Am I saying that every guy is a winner when it comes to parenting? No! Neither is every mother! But, a man who wants to help raise his child(ren), and be a part of their life, is willing to take his responsbilities seriously rather than walking away and running the streets deserves more respect than being treated like a child or walked away from just because he disagrees with how the mother has determined all by herself that THEIR child should be raised!



Sounds like this guy is frustrated, irritated, and embarrassed that his child acts out the way she does, especially in public. That is not crazy or abusive or ridiculous or someone who doesn't know a thing about parenting! Sounds like a father who is being kept out of the decision making process where his child is concerned but expected to follow the rules and fall in line or he gets scolded. YIKES! I'd be pretty frustrated, too! AGAIN, that is why BOTH parents need to sit down and and figure it out TOGETHER!

[deleted account]

I completely agree that children dont deserve to be spanked, especially at that age. I think that you should leave the guy your with because he obviously doesnt understand what being a parent is about. Your inlaws obviously have NO right to lay a hand on your child, neither does the guy you are with. It would be benificial to you and your child to leave the guy you are with.

[deleted account]

I totally understand where your coming from. Spanking may work with some kids, but I'll tell ya I smacked my daughters butt one time when she did something bad and she came swinging back at me even harder. In my opinion spanking is telling the child it is ok to hit and they will carry it with them. Definitely sit down and talk to your husband and let him know your not comfortable with the way he handles the situation. I do time out with my daughter and she cries so hard for the 2 minutes she's in there and then is so happy to come out of there. I get kicked in the face on occasion during diaper changes, and I say to her Colette kicking is not nice, it's never okay to kick. Ouch Mommy's hurt and she feels bad and hugs me and says sorry. It scared me a little the way you said he gets sooo mad when she does that. Things like that happen , tantrums will pass though. I think your on the right page with your parenting, but the tough part is getting him on the same page as you. Good for you that your parents resorted to hitting you and that you decided to parent your daughter a different way :)

Bergerbytes - posted on 01/11/2012

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My oldest is 13 and I NEVER spanked her! She is a very well mannered 13 year old too! However, I am very strong on time outs and I still count to 3 with her if need be! I also have a 15 month old, I will tap his hand if he is getting into something he shouldn't but it is NOT a spanking. When he is old enough to understand me count to 3 - I will be forceful with that. However, spanking them where it hurts is NOT OK! It is even worse if both parents are not working together on disciplinary tactics... You and your husband should really sit down and have a real chat on how you will discipline now and in the future... otherwise you are both being setup for some very unwanted behaviour! How can a child know what to do if the rules are and outcomes are not the same between parents living under the same roof? It is important for the child to know where he/she stands and they can't know this if the parents aren't sure either.... Good Luck and I hope your lil' girl learns with the correct discipline in hand...

Jodie - posted on 01/04/2012

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I used to gently tap my daughter, now 6, on the back of the hand when she did something she wasn't supposed from the age of 6mths but as time's gone on, I've realised that smacking is a form of physical abuse and actually doesn't work. There are plenty of other forms of discipline but what to use for a one year old, I can't help because when my daughter was one, she was still getting gentle taps on the back of the hand or her bottom. However, as your daughter is nearly two, I would start trying the time out step or comfiscating toys for bad behaviour. If bad behaviour is punished and good behaviour always rewarded, you will be more likely to see the good behaviour more than the bad.

[deleted account]

i know robyn, thats part of my plan. i just enrolled in spring session to finish my degree to be a kinergarten teacher. so i will be ready to start work in the Fall. until then i dont have the resources or the money to get out and pay for everything again like before.

Joy - posted on 12/28/2011

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I posted before that I don't spank and gave my personal reasons. This isn't a discussion on whether pro-spanking or anti-spanking is the correct parenting choice though. Several moms (pro-spankers and anti-spankers) have said you should sit down and discuss with the father how the two of you are & going to raise your daughter. I agree. Both of you have to be consistent or you will end up with "Mommy/Daddy-ing." You really don't want that - it will last til she's 18 years old and possibly beyond. If there's something that you & her father do not agree on, wait and discuss it calmly when she's having a nap or in another room. Come to an agreement & both follow through with it.

Robyn - posted on 12/28/2011

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Your husband sounds really mean. I think he should seek some education on raising his children instead of just telling her no and spanking her! As an end result - you could just leave him again :-)

Ashley - posted on 12/28/2011

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Well I'm Pro Spanking myself. But it seems that yall need to come to a parenting plan. with 2 parents in a household not on the same parenting choices will make the child confuse and rebell against the both of yalll. so first make a plan then both of yall need to sit down and tell her the rules of the house and what will happen if she don't listen

[deleted account]

i guess i want to see my husband treat her with more love than just discipline all the time. telling her to pick up her toys, or no dont do this or constantly on her. instead of redirecting her and playing with her. when she acts up in the store he says everyone is looking at us and he gets upset. i just try and get her to calm down or distract her with someting else, as ive read in alot of parenting books. maybe you are misunderstanding how im SAYING my baby. Im not saying it as "MY" baby. im saying it as though she is my darling or my sunshine or my sweetheart, as I said earlier, "Shes my baby." or "spanking my baby." she is my sweetheart and thats what i refer to her as. as far as underminding him, we discuss episodes later on when she is in bed. i just dont want to see his temper flare with her as he has with me and others. Ive known him for five years and saw him with his kids when we got visitation, now we live in another state so they arent around. But whats wrong with using the term, routy or house apes? its a term for unrully kids not toddlers or infants, grade school aged kids who tare up things and are defiant and disrespectful? why would i refer to her siblings as that when talking to her, i thought this discussion board was amongst moms not children?

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