What do I have to do for my husband to get on board?!?

Beth - posted on 03/16/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My husband and I (or maybe just me) are at our wits end!! My son is 5 years old and keeps getting kicked out of school for NOT LISTENING. Ever since the Christmas break everything seems to be going downhill and fast!! The school has a "time out" room which is a padded quiet room that they always kept sending him in several times. He's even finished the day out in the "timeout" room before. If he refuses to do work...go to the timeout room, can't sit in your chair properly... timeout room! You get the jist. We are filling out questionnaires about ADHD and other behavior problems currently but there is no end to this while we wait for some professionals to help him. I have to keep leaving my job to go pick him up and take him to the daycare where his younger sisters are. My husband is against getting him evaluated for ADHD because he doesn't want our son to be "Labeled" and be drugged up since we both think that sometimes ADD and ADHD are over diagnosed and just given to kids so they are more manageable in school and situations.
I am all for finding out what is in his best interest but my husband is fighting me every step. I'm even for finding out options of maybe transferring schools to finish out the rest of this year with hopefully maybe a different teacher that he will respond better to. But my son is exactly like his father and a royal pain in the butt alot of the time. He's now labeled as the bully since he likes to pick on kids that are smaller than him and if he doesn't want to do something, good luck getting him to do anything. But his refusal has always been apparent to me since he was a toddler. Age 3 was horrible and I'm surprised I made it through that! I just want to know what has worked for other Mom's and what steps they have had to take. I'm about ready to just leave my husband and considering divorce but I would still have to deal with him anyways so that really is going to help anything. PLEASE HELP and give me some advice! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

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Lydian - posted on 03/23/2016

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Beth, it does seem you are caught between a rock and a hard spot with both your husband, son and school. That is indeed frustrating! Your son's behavior certainly is unraveling your home life as well as school time. Concerns about evaluations, prescriptions and him being labeled are all valid, but there are plenty of resources available for your consideration in making decisions that suit both you and your husband.
May I suggest a book given to grown up son for his own strong-willed child? It is called "Boundaries with Kids" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. It is not one of those tell you what to do, but rather understanding what is going on, then taking proper action to bring peace back into your marriage and home, and even to the classroom where your son is having difficulties.
Here’s a quote, “Parenting has to do more than the present. You are preparing your child for the future. A person’s character is one’s destiny.” (p. 14). You do have more influence than you must feel right now. There is hope for all parents to overcome the challenges of raising children. I know for my son was like yours and seemed out of control, and very strong willed. He is grown now and the most calm, centered person I know - so there is hope for you too!

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Beth - posted on 03/23/2016

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Thank you Evelyn & Sarah! In reply to both of your comments which I appreciate, the discipline we have always tried to stay consistent with. When he was younger with throwing tantrums I wouldn't give in to his demands and I would just let him finish his tantrum and then we would talk about why he didn't get his way. My husband and I used to give spankings but we have stopped doing that since we don't want him to see that hitting is okay and it could make him more aggressive. Now he is sent to his room for timeouts as there are no toys in his room for any distraction. When he can talk to us calmly we will talk to him about what he did wrong and what we expect from his behavior.
Most of the time he is sent to his room due to fighting with his younger sister, and then she, since she is only 3, sits in the corner because her room has all the toys.
Her behavior at 3 is completely opposite of her older brother. I think it has something to do with how I saw his behavior and I am more aware of stopping it sooner than I did with my first child. In stores I have no problem just leaving everything and taking the kids out of the situation until they can calm down. If I have to go home, I will. It took me awhile to figure out when the best time to take him shopping was LOL Definitely not when he's hungry! LOL
We get so frustrated because when we talk to him before school and before bed, he says he's trying his hardest. Now it seems like his behavior is getting him singled out and anything that another kid does wrong and they don't know who did it will get blamed on my son. For example, they had an incident on the school bus that my son was picking on a girl saying that her butt was small. I don't know what started it but I guess it escalated to the point that my son touched or poked her butt. I highly doubt it was not in anyway shape or form sexual. But then the principal told me that he then tried to stick his hand down her shirt. When I asked my son about it he admitted to jokingly saying the girl had a small butt and then poked it. He denied strongly that he ever touched her shirt let alone put his hand down her shirt. He's 5! The bus driver sucks for one! (in my opinion because she has no control over any of the kids on the bus.) So she didn't even communicate any of the this with me. It was the principal that relayed this info to me. And they also said that my son was telling people that babies come out of the mom's A**Holes. But he's never heard that and when I ask him (not any leading type of questions) about where babies come from, he tells me what I've always told him of the babies coming out of the Mom's belly button.

It's just so frustrating that my and my husband will argue over getting him any help. I understand my husband maybe not wanting to think that there could ever be something wrong with our son. But wouldn't he want to get the best advice there is and if there is a behavior problem, get our son the help he needs so that he can have the best chance at succeeding at school and life. I finally made the appointment to have our son evaluated and hopefully it will help us as parents as well. I will comment more after our appointment this coming Tuesday.

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