When should I tell my daughter about her real dad?

Nicole - posted on 04/23/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My daughter is now five years old as has always known my boyfriend as her dad. Her bio dad has not been around since she was 6 months old. He use to threaten me and say he was gonna take her (without a leg to stand on) and he was always In some kind of trouble so I got a ppo out on him. I would never let her go anywhere with him. So I don't know if I should even tell her anything about him. But stupid people who know she doesn't know still come up and say little comments in front of her and I think she is eventually gonna find out and I don't want her to hear it from anyone but me. But I am also afraid she is too little to know right now and I am scared if she finds out it will ruin the relationship between her and her step dad by her not knowing wether to call him dad or not or her telling him he can't tell her what to do cause he is not her real dad (cause she has a little attitude). I also don't like lying to her it bugs me everyday. So with all that being said I really need some advice!

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Connie - posted on 04/23/2012

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I have that situation. My son is 6 years old. His "biological father" wanted nothing to do with him until he found out I was dating, 15 months after my son was born. Then he wanted to come around. The last time he came to see my son , he was 20 months old. I have been with my fiance since he 15 months old, we have a 2 and a half year daughter together. I even went as far as to legally change my sons last name from mine to my fiances. I do not ever plan to tell him about is "biological father". He has spent all this time believing that my fiance is Daddy. And if his "biological father" didn't care enough to be apart of his life from day one than he has no right at all claiming to be the father. As for the people who are making comments about him in front of your daughter, I would be sure to let them know that you don't appreciate it and to not mention it in front of her. If you really feel like you need to be honest and tell her, I think I would wait a few years or until she asked. She may be hurt in the beginning, but you just have to remind of the difference between the two, who was there because they wanted to be, and who wasn't there even though they should have been. Good luck :)

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Medic - posted on 04/25/2012

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Waiting is a very selfish thing to do. If kids know all along it is normal to them. I was adopted and I have always known, my parents are still my parents. My son has been adopted by my husband and he is 5. He has always known. We just told him that daddy chose to be his daddy and that there are 2 kinds of parents in this world: those that make babies and those that raise them and sometimes they are not all the same. He knows who is biodad is, he sees his biodads parents and brothers all the time. He has no desire to talk to his biodad but atleast he knows.
Look at it from your daughters point of view, does she not have the right to know where she came from? Wouldn't it be easier with her knowing so she does not feel lied too and push both of you away?

Rachel - posted on 04/24/2012

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My advice is tell her the truth. You can tell her that her father was not ready to raise her but your boyfriend loves her and is her daddy. I have a 5 year old son who does not know his father or my husband who i married after i found out i was pregnant and left when my son was 14months old because he was violent. I am now with another guy who i have known since i was 9 years old and we have a little girl together who is 2 years old. they both call my boyfriend daddy but my son knows since he has a different last name than anyone else in the house that his dad is not his bio father and it doesnt change the way they interact.

Danielle - posted on 04/24/2012

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My ex husband came back after 5 yrs (my son was 18months old when I left him) and walked into my sons school and told him he was his dad and his "daddy" was not. My son is 5 the judge gave himvvisitation rights even tho he beat me and I had reports and he is twenty one thousand dollars behind in child support I nerve thought he was coming back he had left another child but a daily member gave the bum enough to get to a lawyer for the day my son is confused he thinks my husband is his dad and his biological is his step dad kinda like you just get granted one by a fairy godmother or something, id suggest step parent adoption asap or telling her she has a daddy of the heart and a daddy of her blood and they are both special and love her she was a gift from god given to one and a gift from god the other got to chose hope it helps

Tomara - posted on 04/23/2012

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Always tell your children the truth!!! Children need to be able to trust there parents. Never lie to your children no matter what.

Amy - posted on 04/23/2012

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If there are people making comments in front of your daughter you need to tell her sooner then later. I would sit her down with her and your current boyfriend and just tell her that her real dad was not ready to be a dad and though your boyfriend is not her real father he loves her like she was his daughter. I wouldn't tell her anything about how your ex threatened you and you got a ppo on him, it's not something she needs to know at 5. If she has an attitude I would just treat it as normal 5 year old attitude and react accordingly. I would just make sure to take the time to explain that nothing has really changed.

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