when to reveal we adopted grandson

Paula - posted on 02/17/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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my "son" is 3.5 yo. My husband and I are at odds about what age we should tell him he's really our grandson. his biological dad is my son. He stays in touch. his bio-mom is out of state and has never tried to have a realtionship with him. I think we should tell him he's adopted around 6-8 yo. My husband thinks that'll ruin his relationship with henry and that we should wait til he's a teen ...HELP!!!

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Sarah - posted on 02/17/2013

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I am an adoption worker and the right time is now. If you wait then it puts shame into the situation and the child feels ashame for being adopted. If the child knows from day one they are adopted then there is no shame in it and they learn to accept that they are adopted and be proud of who they are. Yes you are going to have complicated situations as the child grows.....that is just going to be when you adopt your grandson. Any open adoption is going to have complicated situations. It is how you handle those situations that counts. The longer you wait to tell him the worse it becomes....it then becomes a secret and then comes the possiblity that someone else will tell him and then you don't have control over how it is told. There are many many books and also online groups for those that have an open adoption, I would encourage you to look into those. As he grows he is going to have questions just like any other adopted child has. Some things you will have answers for and some you will not. Talking to him about adoption keeps that line of communication open. This way when he does have questions he feels comfortable asking you. Again I cannot stress how important it is to be open an honest with him right away. Waiting turns into secrets and secrets turn into feeling deceived and lied to.

Amy - posted on 02/17/2013

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I think that you should start telling him now so that no relationship is ruined. Parents of adopted children run into a problem when their kids find out because their entire relationship with their parents were based on lies. If you are straight forward and honest from the beginning it will be easier, a 3.5 year old is much more forgiving then a 9 year old or a teenager.

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Elfrieda - posted on 02/20/2013

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Tell him right now and it will seem a normal part of his iife, no need to have any shocking conversation later. Right now he doesn't know what "normal" is, so it won't surprise him to learn that you became his mommy and daddy when Henry brought him to you any more than it would surprise him to learn that he grew in your belly. For a three year old, everything is surprising, but at the same time easy to accept.

Sue - posted on 02/17/2013

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i'm not coming form experience at all, but i think i would start telling him now. there has got to be an age appropriate book out there i'm sure with how many children are being raised by grandparents to help him understand and know there are many other kids out there being raised by their grandparents

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