Am I alone?

Carolee - posted on 09/12/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I know how terrible this is going to sound but I need somebody to talk to that won't be able to use it against me later. I don't want to be a mom anymore. I never bonded with my daughter the way her dad did, as soon as she learned to sit up I remember we were all laying in bed me and dad cuddling and she smacked me in the face, I know everyone is going to say she didn't do it to be mean but she did. She is extremely jealous of daddy, if the 2 of us are cuddling she gets mad. About a year and a half ago he started driving truck over the road, gone 90% of the time, he used to be the one who was home with her and then I lost my job and he statred driving truck. Two weeks ago I went back to school; I've been unable to find a job. He just got out of a bad company where he was owing them $ for driving (CR England, never lease a truck from them!) and so we have not had $. I've been stressed and she has been whiny.

I can't do it anymore constant whining refusing to listen to me, talking back. She's 2 years 3 in December. I love my daughter, I would NEVER hurt her ever, or let anything or anyone else hurt her. She is all that keeps me going, she is my best friend. I want to make her proud and give her the best. But I don't want to be around her anymore. So my question, is this normal, am I a terrible person? Am I alone?

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Dawn - posted on 09/13/2010

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Oh, Carolee ((((HUGS))))..........You are not a terrible person, you are perfectly normal and you are not alone. I concider myself bonded with my son, who is 18 months, but I have my days I can't wait for him to go to sleep and days that I play one too many DVD's!! I am the primary care giver, although both my husband and I are currently unemployed. and my son puts the pressure of testing limits soley on me!! His Daddy will come in and suggest something or speak firmly to him and he listens!! This too is normal and of course I am the one who is blessed with all the cuddles and kisses (I think it is also normal for boys to favor Mommy's and girls to favor Daddy's until a certain age, when it will reverse!!). I know that my lack of patience is tied into my sense of no control over our $$ situation, but it is hard to rationalize that all the time, so I turn super emotional and start thinking I am a bad Mommy and a bad wife and a bad person! Sleeping a good nights sleep seems to help alot and I really do try to get to bed early so this happens more often!! I also have the luxury of telling Daddy spur-of-the-moment..."I can not deal with this anymore, I am going out alone for about an hour!!". Is there anyone who could offer this for you?? I really make it a point to get alone time most weeks; whether it's just running errands alone or having coffee with a friend. You just need to remind yourself that you are who you are and that you handle things the way you do....go easy on yourself and love youself. Take care and please private message me if you want to talk more. :) :)

Aicha - posted on 09/12/2010

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It sounds like all the stress in your life is taking a huge toll on you it is normal to not want to be around your children when stressed out have you tried setting up a routine and having some me time?

22 Comments

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Victoria - posted on 09/22/2010

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Hi Carolee,First of all you are really taking a big step to admit how you feel,and thats the first step,now everyone has their own opinion about any and everything,but no i dont really think you area bad person, although i would check into getting counseling for this,for you and your daughter,you can find a therapist that accepts medicai,(i know from experience)my sons therapist sees both of us because my we both need it,and his medicaid pays for it,and it does wonders,once you find the right therapist He/She will know how to solve this problem and i would do it while she still younger(before she gets stubborn,lol)Anyway i hope this helps

Jamie - posted on 09/20/2010

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you are not alone hun, When you are stressed the children feel it and act out the only way they know how. And that is usually but being cracky, physical, and demanding. Dont' put your slef down, things will get better, Just remember she doesn't understand much yet but if you tell her in your own way that you are not your self and that you need her to help you she might be understanding, i now that she is only two but sometimes just talk ing ot her, helps.

[deleted account]

Everyone that has responded has just needed time away from their kids, I am pretty sure she said she didn't want to be a mother any more. Things get hard, everyone has it hard but I would never imagine not being a mother anymore. No matter the hardships with financial situations or whatever I would not change it for the world. Money is just a thing, but your kids are everything. They are your flesh and blood, and when you get older that's about all you have in this world that means anything to you. I would be lost without my two boys. Yes I need time away from them, yes they drive me up the wall but they are also what makes me laugh the most. They say the sweetest, cutest things. Things will get better, but first you have to get help with your depression.

[deleted account]

You are not a terrible person!!! Stress can do a lot to a person. And its not a secret that most girls are daddy's little girls right from the start almost, mine was and is! It hurts me too when she will ignore me but listen to her dad, or wont come to me but her dad instead. Sometimes I think what would it be like if i was not a mom anymore, but then she does something silly and makes me laugh! Try to remember the good times when you are really stressed out!

Amber - posted on 09/17/2010

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I don't think you're terrible.I have a 2 year old son and he does some of the same things.If I am even sitting next to my boyfriend,he gets in between us.He hits me sometimes for no reason,but I don't think it's on purpose.It's normal for children their age to do things like that.(I don't think it's ok that they hit and you should tell them it is wrong)There are days when I can't wait to go to work to get some time away from my son.I don't think anyone can stand being around anyone 24/7!Maybe you should find someone who is willing to watch her every now and again so you can have some me time!

Dawna - posted on 09/17/2010

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No You are not alone. I had the same problem that you did with my daughter. She is a complete daddy's girl. She was about that age when she did that to me too. She feels you stressed too and wining is the only way she know how to communicate she does not understand what is going on. Her world has been turned upside down too. She was so used to having dad and then dad not being there changed things so she is just trying to make up for that time with dad Remember she is only 2. When she hits you with dad a round he needs to let her know that daddy loves her just as much as mommy. I know this sucks but wait until she gose to bed to get the mommy and daddy time. During the day though have him put her on one side and you on the other. This will pass eventually I promise I did with mine.

[deleted account]

I think every parent has these moments. I have 2 children one of which is a mommy's girl and my son is partical to his father. Big time. He hits me and throws fits never listens to me, but as soon as daddy is there one word and my son listens. I have a huge amount of stress and just find my self thinking is it bed time yet? The point is you are not alone.
When you start to think of not wanting it any more... really consider life with out her. Thats not what you want; you need a day with out right. I like Dawn's reply. You are "You". you happen to be a mother and a wife and many other things but make sure you taking care of you too. When you can find that part of you again you will find that is what you can control adn the people (even the little one) around you will respect you more and see that you are happier and want to be part of that. In addition to spending time alone. Try to spend quality time with her. its not always about quantity but quality. If you are just going through the motions, your kids picks up on that. Do something out of the usual and make her feel special in return she will make you feel special too. (maybe not that day but it will come). When I all the sudden say lets go look at the pets at the pet shop, or go to the park, or paint outside they know I am doing it for them adn they feel so special.
Good luck. Hope this helps.

Stacey - posted on 09/17/2010

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I feel sort of the same. If I can give you some advise, try not stress so much! That is why she is like that. They feel it when you are stressed. And maybe not having a job has caused you a lot of stress. And being a child she felt it from you and not daddy. That is why she was only with daddy and not you. Try not stress. She does love you, you are her mom and always will be. Trust me. That will never change. But you need to change and she will instantly change as well.

Hope this helps. you can email me if you want to talk. sharmse@jassociates.co.za
Stacey

Kristen - posted on 09/16/2010

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You are not alone at all! My daughter is my world and I love her a ton, but there are some days where I JUST NEED A BREAK! She is also a Daddy's girl, so when he is home its like I don't exist (which is sometimes a relief). The whole money and stress situation can put a TON of pressure on your relationship with your husband, and your relationship with your kiddo. We just got through a year of half time pay, and a HORRID job! It was probably the darkest time my hubby and I have been through, and that made an impact on our daughter, BIG TIME!
I am also going to point out the obvious, she is two. Two and three can be some of the most fun years, but definatly rank in the top hardest years as well. Some days I want to pull my hair out dealing with my two year old, but every once in a while she wanders up to me, gives me a hug and says "I love you Momma" and it makes all the difference!
Have a friend watch her for a couple hours if needed, and try to do something sweet for yourself! Even something as simple as a cup of coffee at a bookstore, when you can sit and relax can do wonders for your state of mind!

Be blessed and know that we are right there with you!

Megan - posted on 09/15/2010

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Agree- you aren't alone. I think it's the best thing to reach out for support and be honest. Things sound very stressful in your world. One thing that seems counter-intuitive is that kids often show they're most intense feelings (often the negative ones) to those they feel safest and most intimate with. So her expression that comes out as whiny and challenging you actually means she is well-bonded to you. This is also normal behavior for this age and she is likely well-aware of the stress that you are both under. Kids don't usually have the coping skills for all of that. I would give yourself as much time as you can to recharge and make a point to have "time-in's" with her where you initiate a special activity or just time together. My son also likes to intervene or restrict any affection between my husband and me. I think this passes with age, too.

Keep us all posted and cut yourself some slack. I'm sure she loves you as you love her.

Lara - posted on 09/15/2010

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Same here. I'm the one who's usually around, and when Daddy finally comes home, I'm chopped liver, lol. I can deal w/ that part; it's UNTIL Daddy gets home, that I feel totally stressed, some days.

I have to echo the "Me Time" idea! I bowl, every week, come Hell or high water (or bump on the head; had to go home that week, lol), and that's MY TIME. It's also "Daddy & Stephen Night," so he doesn't feel like he's being left at home, while I go out and have fun.

My husband works grueling hours, at times, and what he doesn't always realize, is that they're grueling, for ME, too! I DO have those days, when I don't feel like I can stand another minute of my son's behavior, and it's really tough, when you CAN'T get away from it.

Your feelings are valid, and this DOESN'T mean that you're not a good mother, or that you don't love your child! Please know that, and talk to your husband, about getting that "me time," because you need it, desperately, and the fact that you RECOGNIZE that need, in fact, says a lot, for your parenting skills.

Until you can get away, though, keep doing what you're doing, and hang in there. Good luck!!

Jennifer - posted on 09/15/2010

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no you are not alone. You sound very stressed and upset but everyone has days ( I hope!) that as much as you love your kids, you wish you could return them. Is there any way you can get some help, just to have 5 minutes to yourself?! it might help you fell slightly less stressed and overwhlemed.
Jenn

Erin - posted on 09/15/2010

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In this economy I think it is perfectly normal to feel overly stressed about money situations. I myself am overwhelmed with not knowing how I'm going to pay the bills.Don't worry your daughter loves you. I agree with the others you need a little time to yourself. You seem a little depressed if it's possible try to get counselling (not a bad thing) just to have a third party to vent to. And your not a terrible person your a good mom, Sometimes we get overwhelmed with it all. My son seems to favor me (boys usually do girls favor their dads). And even with him favoring me it's hard because they will never understand what we do for them.

Jessica - posted on 09/14/2010

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You are NOT a terrible person at all!!!!! And your not alone. I am a stay at home mom and sometimes I just really need ME time. My daughter also likes to push my buttons and would much rather listen to her daddy which can be REALLY frustrating. I think that you DEFINITELY just need some time to be you. Find a sitter make her daddy watch her anything will help. It will be ok. You will make it through. And DONT FORGET YOUR SOOOOO NOT TERRIBLE!!!

Lisa - posted on 09/14/2010

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i found it difficult to bond with my son i felt stuck in a rut and needed something more,i guess i needed to be me from time 2 time it's not a bad thing and if you get someone to watch your child while you be yourself for a bit you will be more relaxed at home.maybe join toddler groups so you can talk to other mums it does get easier .

Diane - posted on 09/14/2010

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Oh, I hope you feel better!! I haven't even read what the other people responded with. Just chin up!! I know what your going thru!! I have a daddy's girl also, she almost 4 now. There were times when I thought she hated me!! Your daughter loves you, no matter how mean she may seem at times. When kids are that little they are kinda blind to how they can take there moms' for granted. They spend 9 months tuning into our heartbeats, the line between us and them can be fine and they tend to take their stress out on the person they feel the most secure with. Being at home full time is a hard job!! I've done it the past 4 years. The best thing for you is space. I saw you said your going to school. Great!! Go to school, get a job, volunteer, anything to get you out and doing something else for a few hours a day. Putting a bit a space between you and her for a bit will be good for the both of you. 3 months ago I started going to school full time and it's been so much more fun with my kids. We get away long enough to start missing each other and then when I get home it's all happy hugs and love. And my daddy's girl is much more respectful of me now, they get tired of us too. Your not a terrible mom, you are normal, and oh god are you so not alone. If your daughter is really making it difficult, I would suggest having a talk with your husband. Fine out what some of his routines with your little one he used. Maybe by keeping things as normal (in her world) as possible, she may ease up a bit too. Little kids can be like mirrors in how they can pick up and reflect our own moods back to us. Good luck!!

Tiffany - posted on 09/13/2010

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I am a stay at home mother with my two children, and I know the feeling of when dad walks in and the kids are like..."mom who?" But I know that they are with me ALLL the time so when dads around he consumes their attention. With this comes the fact that I am the disciplinary in the family so I sometimes look like the bad guy. I have felt overwhelmed before and like I was a bad mother which killed me... but what I find that helps me is having ME time. When I take the time to leave even if I'm grocery shopping (boring) I still enjoy my time alone, and when I come back I'm relaxed and can be a better mommy. It's got to be your stress level that has you feeling like this. Just try being alone..and something I notice is that I want to be alone so bad and when I finally am.... I don't know what to do with myself bc my kids are my life. I understand you when you say you want her to be proud of you and you are going back to school I feel the same way!! I guess what I'm trying to say is been there...done that-- you're not alone :)

Jessica - posted on 09/13/2010

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You are not alone! Lots of kids have a parental preference. Something that I've heard helps is to have a "mommy and daughter only" activity. Go to a local zoo or park; make crafts. Something special that is girls only. It may help.

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