Bed times, waking in the night. No respect? Bad parent?

Anna - posted on 03/22/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )




My son will go to bed at 730/8pm perfectly fine for me but will occasionally wake up between 12-2am and won't go back to sleep for me. He screams and yells and shrieks at me and stands up right after I lye him down. My husband walks in after I've been trying for 15 mins and our son just keeps getting louder, and he tells him "enough it's bedtime" and he instantly becomes quiet and goes to sleep. My husband tells me that it's sad that our son just yells and screams at me and has no respect for me. He's only 18 months and he doesn't know what that means. For the first year of his life I spent it with just him, I was very isolated because I was very ill after having him and my friends didnt understand because I was only 20 when we had him so it was me and him all day while my husband worked. Now that I started working in October and my husband stays home with our son, our son yells at me and screams when he wakes up or goes to bed sometimes but when my husband isn't here and it's just us he's perfectly fine. I've tried spending more time with him but he's even worse after that. I've tried yelling, soothing, ferberizing, cuddling, a light snack like cheese and some water, using words in a calm quiet tone sometimes works but not always. I don't know what else to do. All that my husband does is looks at him tells him enough put your thumb in your mouth and gives him his blanket.
If anyone has anything to suggest please PLEASE say it. I've tried pushing his bedtime back an hour to 830 but when he's tired he'll grab his blanket and pull on you then walk to his door and knock on it. But he still screams at me anyways. I know for a fact that he's not hungry because when he hasn't been sleeping well I'll give him a bit of formula mixed with his homo milk but he still will wake up crying. I even check his diaper everytime and he's always dry. If it makes any difference he started to sleep through the night when he was 2 1/2 months old when we switch to formula because he wouldn't latch properly so my supply started to stop and then I got an infection and lumps and it was painful to just have a shower, and I was starting to resent him but as soon a's he was on formula he was a happy smiley baby and we bonded even stronger. I know that patience is key but I don't have a lot when I'm tired from working cuz I don't get home till 7, I have dishes and cleaning up and other things to do and I'm really tired and sore because during labor I pulled my sacrum and pinched a nerve in my back and that that's half my problem that at the end of the day I don't have enough patience and I have to remind myself to breathe and calm down and relax. But I have no idea what else I can do. It makes me mad that my husband thinks he perfect when I raised our son alone basically because he worked or was with friends all the time while I was at home and now that he's at home and I'm working he says oh he's perfect for me and doesn't do anything wrong, and he says I let him get away with everything. He's basically calling me a bad parent because I'm not an authoritarian parent like he is, but I am an authoritative parent because I know the damage of a totalitarian upbringing.


Jackie - posted on 03/22/2011




I have to agree with Louise. They figure it out ridiculously young what they can get away wtih, and then act on it. If he senses even the tiniest bit that you are feeling guilty for being away, he's going to play on your weakness. You have to be strong. Find what works...for my daughter it's completely ignoring her. If he yells, lay him down, walk out and close the words. And let him yell. IF you keep resonding to it you're sending the message that yelling is how he can get your attention.

If he goes down so well at bedtime, and you have a good bedtime, i don't think you need to change that. It sounds like it's just become a habit.

And no you aren't a bad parent, you just have to remember to teach him who is in charge.

Louise - posted on 03/22/2011




Your problem is your son knows he can do this with you. I have the opposit my daughter will throw a strop and I will ignore her or I will be sharp with her and tell her to stop and my husband will crumble and give her a cuddle or whats the matter chick. She gets worse for him and goes into a full blown wobbly. Yet I will walk in and say Enough! she will stop instantly. It is natural for a child to do this and not a fault of anyone. My daughter is with me all day and I can read her very well yet my husband only sees her a couple of hours a night. She knows how much I will tollerate from her, my husband is fair game. You see any attention from a parent good or bad is a reward for a child. When your son starts crying go in and see if there is any reason why settle him and come out of the room. If he continues go in be stern and say that is enough sleep time now and leave and then leave him to cry. Because this is a change to your normal behaviour he will take a time to adjust. He will learn though that you are not going to cuddle him or give him your attention in the middle of the night and over the course of a week he will stop. It is really hard to do but if you can stay this strict with him then you will be rewarded with a full nights sleep.

You are not a bad parent just one that does not like to see her child distressed. Your son knows this and is playing on it.

Chasity - posted on 03/25/2011




I think your answer was actually in your post. Your son listens to your husband because he knows what to expect from him. It sounds like your husband handles the situation the same everytime, which lets your little one know what he can get away with and what won't fly with daddy. You however, are the mom and we are naturally more sensitive so it's harder for us to understand why we can't soothe them into happiness. It seems like you have 2 options, you can either let your husband deal with night time wake-ups or you will have to toughen up and be stern with him (gently at first lol). I do not suggest the first option. The hard part about being a parent isn't the cuddle time and the sweet things they do, it's realizing that kids have to have boundries and being able to really stick to them. Your child will spend the rest of his childhood searching for those boundries and if you don't give them to him it will be bad for you and him. Good luck to you!

Jen - posted on 03/22/2011




i agree too my son did this with me and i was like i cant let him cry it will kill me i waited til 2 years to finally get him to sleep through if he gets up at silly times he cries it out n it might take 15 mins but he soon gets a message n ive noticed his mood is alot better he used to scream at family members you couldnt look at him but now he goes around laughing giving them kisses n cuddles his one happy boy and that makes me happy


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Pamela - posted on 03/24/2011




From my experience if you cuddle them a lil then tell them its time to go back to sleep lay them down, if they get up or yell tell him once more its time to sleep, if it happens again no words just lay him down until he goes to sleep if he's just yelling let him yell. it can be irritating though my daughter used to cry for almost 2 hours she was persistant. its very hard to do but works u just have to be more persistant then your kiddo.
the change in family life sometimes is the trigger, things still have to change we just have to help our kids adjust, sometimes it takes a bit.
Oh and not a bad parent, bad parents don't care and don't ask for help, you obviously care a lot and asked for help!

Amanda - posted on 03/23/2011




I am going throught the same ting basically...It sucks and I would do anythign to go back to being the stay at home parent :-(

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