feel like a failure

Kirsty - posted on 09/28/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Hi
Wen my daughter was a year old i was diagnosed with pnd. I have been off my meds for about 3 months and really struggling, and just wondered if theres any others out there who have also been in the same boat? i am always doubtin myself as a mum, i try my best to make sure my daughter has all the fun in the world, but i know my patience is in pieces and im taking it out on her. Also, she is at the terrible twos stage, and she really is a very good girl, but sumtimes plays up like most kids do, but i struggle with how to deal with it and always end up in tears, then hate myself for not being stronger!! please, if any1 could help i would b most greatful, and tips etc would b great xxxx

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Shelly - posted on 09/28/2010

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hi! i understand all too well what you are going through right now. i have a little girl who is a little over 2 and a half and a boy who will be one next monday. I have been diagnosed as depressed on and off throughout my adult and early teens and after having my daughter i was really depressed. now i just can't seem to get any energy to do anything with them, I decide in the morning all the things i want to do, then when i hear them stirring, i get tired and just want to sleep or cry. the only thing i can really say to try to help you is to let you know that you are not alone, that you probably do way more than you think that you do for your daughter. The fact that you are looking for answers shows you how strong you are, even though you probably would like to curl up in a ball, your main focus is getting better to help yourself enjoy your child more and that shows more strength then most people give themselves credit for. Just remember that even though you may lose your patience now and then with her doesn't mean she doesn't know how much you love her and cherish her. Think of everything you have taught her and what she has taught you and realize that you definitly aren't the worst mother out there - remember you are looking for help. Look at the poor children who's parents don't care, who yell and scream and it doesn't matter to them that their children see them falling to peices. Those people are the ones who are not strong. Not those that can see what they are doing and want help. You are obviously a good mother who just needs a shoulder to cry on once in a while and maybe a break. Good luck and I hope this makes you feel a little better!!

Heather - posted on 10/02/2010

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The advice to go to another room to take a deep breathe if you have had to much is a very good idea. Just remind yourself that you are a good parent and all of us loose their patience time and again. I try to walk away and take a deep breathe and then come back to deal with it. I have and do still go through the same thoughts but it does get better.

[deleted account]

Hi, I just wanted mostly to let you know that you aren't alone. I have struggled with depression my whole life, which got much worse after my son was born in 2007. He's almost 3 now and I still struggle. I don't know your reasons for being off your meds, but I do think that if you still have the feelings, you should be back on them. If they weren't working then try something else until you find one that works. I waited for awhile to get help and I also had problems dealing with how to handle my son when he was just being a normal child. I think I missed out on some joyful moments because I was too stubborn to get help. Love yourself as much as you love your daughter and take care of you. But again, I hope it makes you feel better to know you're not alone. My son is almost 3 and I still struggle with PND but it's much better, and continues to get better every day :)

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Rebekah - posted on 10/07/2010

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In addition to everyone else's encouragements, there are lots of options to help you stay strong with or without meds. Having suffered stress induced depression/anxiety myself, I have explored a lot of the options (and I stayed under doctor supervision after my son's birth to be sure I got help if I needed it). I have found that yoga, accupunture, massage, and excersise really give you a boost on emotional well being. Yoga helps you get your body centered and helps clear away clutter in your brain, especially if the class you sign up for includes a quiet meditation at the end. Acupuncture helps me by redirecting my body's energy to flow properly and reducing the physical symptoms of stress like aches and pains. It also helps keep my hormones in balance (which is how I got pregnant!) . Massage is another way to reduce pain and release stress from your body while taking a short time just for yourself... always important! Excersise of any kind, even just taking a long walk with your child in the stroller, will lighten your step and help you feel more in control. You might also consider joinging a parenting support group, like the one at our YMCA, or a cooperative preschool where you can see that other parents struggle with the terrible 2s too and how they handle it. Our cooperative preschool has a parent educator from the local college that gives monthly parenting talks and tips. Create a support network of health care professionals and other parents. You can do this! I can tell you love your daughter very much and have the desire to get and stay well. May you find your path to wellness! God bless you in your journey!

Tahra - posted on 10/06/2010

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Hi there, I know what you are going through and really sympathise. I was diagnosed with pnd when my son was 9 months old and I only discovered it when it was really bad, it was affecting my health and I had severe anxiety attacks. My little boy is now 6 years old and I am still on the meds and will probably be for the rest of my life. I have tried numerous times to wean myself off the meds but seem to land up in a slump again so I have made peace with the fact that it is meant to be. Kirsty it is not a problem if you need to go back on the meds as you must remember that it is a chemical inbalance in your brain and nothing else. Your brain is not producing enough ceretonin (happy hormone) and that is why you are feeling this way. Do yourself a favour and go get rescue remedy from your pharmacy as this will just help with the difficult times and has no side affects. I don't know if you have heard of Biral which is a natural tranquiliser and it also works wonders when you are stressed, I take this and swear by it. It is also all natural and has no side affects. I dont know where you are in the world but you are more than welcome to get in contact with me and we can discuss thing further.

Chin up there is nothing wrong with you and you are a great mom :)

Corinne - posted on 10/02/2010

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I went to the docs when my eldest was 6months old and was told "it's PND, here take these" to which I said "you can put those where the sun don't shine". My doc was shocked but suggested an eating program of grazing as opposed to 3 square meals a day to keep my blood sugars level.She said that high or low blood sugar affects your moodsand keeping them on an even keel could help with the swings between rage and complete and utter depression. I won't say it's been easy, but I do find that I'm less crabby when I eat something small every 2hrs. My kids are now 4yrs and 2yrs and have the tendancy to drive me nuts. If I feel like it's too much, I go and sit on the stairs for a couple of minutes or in the garden, and if I shout or get cross for no apparent reason I always apologise and give them big hugs. Chin up, you will get through this. :)

Ashley - posted on 10/01/2010

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First, it seems like you may still be struggling with the depression. You may need to seek some additional help, even if it's therapy or meditation, etc. Second, every mom feels that way some days. I know I did - especially when my son started changing from that "perfect baby" stage to the throwing fits and stuff. I really struggled with keeping my cool and not feeling like I was just taking stuff out on him. Sometimes you have to walk away and take a deep breath. And that helps the kid too, because it shows them you aren't reacting - they aren't getting the attention they are trying to get from you (obviously only do this at home or in a place where she can't run away from you like at the store, etc.)
Third: No mom is perfect. We all make mistakes. As long as you realize it and keep going and try to change it - it will help you be a better mom, and help her learn that everyone makes mistakes and can change.

Wendy - posted on 09/30/2010

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This will sounds funny, but one of the best things I ever read is "You are a great parent and doing the best you can and you can do better." It's a forever learning experience being a parent. I have 3 boys and have been a mom for over 6 years. I felt like I was going to have it all under control in the beginning and quickly learned how wrong I was. I had good ideas, some of which I still hold on to, but I've learned SO MUCH since then. The best tools are friends (find a local moms group on meetup.com or something) and BOOKS! I carry a book with me all the time and whenever there's a moment to read, I do it (because we all know those moments are few and far between). I've learned so much from books. You can do some research on good ones just by looking on amazon.com or something and reading reviews (or just looking at the star rating for a quick reference), then you can either buy it or go pick it up at the library. There are so many good books out there. There are so many ideas on good parenting though, so make sure you find ones that suit your parenting style. Some good ones (in my opinion) are "Parenting With Love and Logic", Parenting from the Inside Out", "Becoming The Parent You Want To Be", and a great one even if your child does not have intense emotions is "Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions".



I went through a long time of being so upset with myself after losing my patience when I had PND after my 2nd child. I still have my days, but the more you fill yourself up with knowledge, the more comfortable you will be with yourself and it's an upward spiral from there. Also, getting out of the house and getting as good of rest as you can are KEY! I know it's all too much some days, but just keep doing what you can do and keep trying to do better. :o) You will get there!



Take your own time outs and take deep breaths whenever you can! >Try< to talk to your daughter in as calm of a voice as you can when she's being challenging, so you're showing her the right way to behave, and remember to teach her the right way to do things (and not just reprimand her for doing things wrong). I can tell that you're a great mother just by your concern. Believe it!!!

Yvonne - posted on 09/30/2010

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Hi Kirsty

I had PND after my first son was born. I felt like he deserved so much more than me, I cried constantly and was a complete nightmare to live with. My husband was always on edge around me incase he said something that set me off. I started antidepressants when my son was about 8 weeks. I felt like it took forever for me to feel any better but looking back now, the change was so gradual I just never noticed it happening. Slowly I started to get better and went on to have my second child. This time I stayed on meds all through my pregnancy (at my doctors recommendation) and although I did have PND it wasnt as severe. My second son is now 17 months and I have been off meds for 6 months. Even though I am med free I wouldnt hesitate to go back on them if I felt I needed it. They helped me through a really rough time and maybe they can do the same for you.

You want to be able to enjoy being a mum, its such a special time. Dont beat yourself up, its hard enough being a parent without heaping guilt and stress to the pile. Maybe go back and have a chat with your doctor. They really are there to help and if going back on meds is best for you then so be it. At the end of the day if you are a happy mummy then your daughter will be a happy girl and if you have to take meds for a little while then who cares!

Since coming off my meds I have lost 20lbs, got a new job and totally changed my outlook but none of this would have been possible without those little white pills getting me through the dark days.

Hope this is helpful. Keep your chin up and keep asking for help/advice whenever you need it. You are def not alone.

xxx

Shelly - posted on 09/30/2010

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stephanie, first you need to find out if what you have is clinical depression before thinking of getting on medication, normally that is the last step when all else has failed. It is not fun to have to take medication to get through the day, as you could see in the above emails the main thing about getting help is talking to someone and doing something about it. being on medication is only one aspect of getting help. I really hope that you are okay, but be careful about jumping on medication too quickly, the only reason i believe most of us commented on her getting on her med's is because she was once on them and sometimes some of us will stop taking them when we think we are better, sometimes before our dr's would agree. Please for your sake talk to someone and get some help. I really hope you feel better soon.

Stephanie - posted on 09/30/2010

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I think I have deppression I never habve energy and just don't want to deal with noise, messes, crying etc. I think mabey I should get on meds too.

Shelly - posted on 09/29/2010

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Thank you Joy. actually writing the post made me feel better, kirsty sometimes even on medication you can still strongle, it just helps to deal a bit better and reading stories like these lets us all know that we are not alone.

[deleted account]

Shelly, what a lovely post! I didn't read anyone else's comments until after I had posted and what you said made me feel better and I wasn't even the one looking for answers :)

Dawn - posted on 09/29/2010

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Is there a reason you are off the medication?? Maybe you should think about continuing if you don't feel right. With that said, you are not a failure!! Everyone gets stressed, especially at the age of your daughter and you have a medical reason to be stressed. Make sure to take care of yourself; get some alone time as much as you can. And, try thinking positive....journaling has helped me....I try and write when I am feeling down and I try to write at least one good thing about the day or my son. And go easy on yourself; don't try and get too much done in one day/week.....my house is sometimes a real mess and nothing seems to be going right with my husband and the shopping and laundry need to be done, but I allow myself to rest or read during my son's nap...GUILT FREE.

Erin - posted on 09/28/2010

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I think everyone looses their patience with their children sometimes, especially at this age. You have a lot going on especially with your illness and at this age they test us to the limit. Try to stay consistent with timeouts for her discipline. Try not to get annoyed her. When you feel overwhelmed give yourself a time out. Go to another room and slowly count to 60, zone out any whining. After you give yourself time to calm down, before your patience has been lost go deal with whatever the situation is calmly, sometimes our frustration can feed on itself. Good luck hun being a mom isn't easy if it was dads would do it, ha j/k.

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