How do i handle it?

Krystyn - posted on 06/20/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My son is in the stage of when we ask him to do something he says he doesnt want to n starts whining, when we tell him to do something he starts crying n saying but mommi i dont want to . i tell him then he doesnt want to play or he doesnt want to do something he wants to do, but its not effecting him. how do i handle this? its constant. over everything. sometimes its as little as going to the bathroom when its obvious he has to go n is holding it. He's gotten most of his toys taken away because of it, n has gotten an butt busting. help me please.

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Jessica has it spot on, we give TONS of choices in our house. the key is to give up control in areas where you don't need it (do you really care which dinner place they eat off of, or if you are buying red or green grapes at the grocery store?).
Always give choices with results you are okay with. don't offer the candy bar as a dinner option if you aren't okay with them picking it!

and, when your child demands a different choice, you can say,
"I am sorry that wasn't one of your choices"
"I love you too much to argue"
"You have ten seconds to decide, and then I will decide for you"
"I take the first answer given to me" (this is great for the waffling between two choices child)

Yes it is painful the first dozen times you try this, yes they will fight you, and then amazingly, they fall in line, and it is beautiful and quiet and peaceful in my house..

[deleted account]

Why aren't the older kids listening?

My three year old whines and have the following responses:
"You have two choices, you can go to your room and continue whining, or you can do what I asked."
"I can only hear/understand children who are sweet and polite"
"I love you too much to argue."
"can you use your big boy words and tell me what the problem is?"

I also, often, give my son plenty of choices such as : "Do you want to pick up your trains in two minutes or five minutes" I then set the timer and hwen it goes off he knows time is up! (he actually is eager to put them away most of the time)

Melissa - posted on 06/22/2011

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Give him the option. Like, when he says "I don't want to" simply say "ok, well you have two choices; you can (restate what you asked him to do) or you can sit in time out." If he choses time out, let him know he can get up when he decides to (restate what you originally asked him to do). He'll get bored of sitting there and eventually just do it lol. It's frustrating, and it may take a while, but eventually he should just do without time outs and just do as he's told.

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Krystyn - posted on 07/07/2011

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Im not, i stay home with him all day. we're practically together twenty four seven. unless i go somewhere or he goes somewhere. we hug n kiss all day long, just sometimes hed rather cry then pick up his toys. i dont have a problem outta him most of the time, he says ok n does it. but others its the opposite. yesterday he sat in time out for twenty minutes then told me he was ready to pick up his toys n did it with no trouble.
@lorie,, im sure her comment meant nothing like that. i understand that if i was working and he was throwing the fits it might be because id be workin too much or he doesnt see me.. just because a parent works doesnt mean they're less of a parent.

Lorie - posted on 06/29/2011

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@ Julie...I really hope that your "working Mommie" statement wasnt a dig. Many good mothers work, most out of necessity, but it does NOT make them lesser parents.

Julie - posted on 06/29/2011

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He well may have severe allergies... and it does effect moodiness.
Are you a working mommie? Kids need their moms ... and he has no reason to do anything as his love-cup is empty. Spend time with him - loving touches and hugs, etc.
THEN, by example - teach him how to respond to commands with a happy "o.k. mommie!"

Krystyn - posted on 06/29/2011

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@Hannah, the older kids dont listen because they dont have rules or discipline. between them saying "i dont want to" to "i dont have to listen to you" its hard to control my son when the kids he lives/plays with dont care about authority. I give choices, he always has a choice to do something he wants and something he doesnt. Most time, he says he cant or he doesnt want to. he can play with them but he cant pick them up, so he loses toys if he doesnt pick them up. Im goin to definitely invest in a timer, i bet that'll help with a lot.
@Cheryl, i'll definitely try that today.
Thank you all for answering.

Rebecca - posted on 06/28/2011

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I agree with the choices thing. My son is two years old and quite often does not want to do as he is asked or wants to do something I don't want him to do. I always then give him a choice..he can do what I ask him or he can go on the time out chair. It works almost every time. If he does not respond to the choices then I ask him to explain why he doesn't want to do what I am asking him. This has the effect of calming him down and then we try again. Sometimes he is crying and shouting and in this case I usually let him cry it out first whilst I continue with whatever I was doing before then when he is calm again we talk about it again and sometimes we have to compromise. For example, if you want to watch TV you need to eat all of your dinner first. The most important thing is to stick to your guns, don't give in and let him get what he wants before he does as you ask and remain calm.

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Hannah, your tips are fantastic. I will definately be trying the timer. That is one that I've never heard before but I can see how it would work and will be using it tomorrow. Thank you :)

Cheryl - posted on 06/27/2011

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If he doesn't want to do something then you can help him do it. If he isn't picking up a toy then you hold his hand and help him pickup the toy. Then direct his hand to the toy bucket and put it away. Then go to the next toy. It may seem like you are doing it but it is effective. ( just put the bucket out of reach cause he may be tempted to dump it.) Be calm and don't raise your voice. Just explain that he can do it with help or without help but he must do it. (the teachers had to do this with my son in preschool) he learned that he was going to do it what he had be asked. It takes time.

Skittlesinsocks - posted on 06/26/2011

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I agree with Hannah- Give choices. Children love to feel like they have some measure of control over their world, and giving them choices does that. Even if it's something as simple as "do you want apple juice or orange juice?" or "What toy should we put up first?"

Krystyn - posted on 06/23/2011

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I'll try that. thank you. .. Its also hard when you have older kids who dont do as they're told and he sees it n says why do i have to when they dont. but i will definitely give this a try.

Krystyn - posted on 06/22/2011

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So does that mean every time he says he doesnt want to, put him in time out?

Melissa - posted on 06/21/2011

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I've seen kids go through stages like this before, and it's VERY frustrating for both the parent and the child. If removal of privileges isn't working and spankings aren't working, then maybe time outs? Remain calm and don't raise your voice, because that could just make him even more emotional (how old is he? just out of curiosity) but have maybe a chair at the kitchen table or in the hallway, somewhere away from activity and entertainment, and simply let him know that he is expected to follow directions. Let him know he is old enough to make his own choices, but you are his mother, and you make the rules. If he choses to listen, he gets to have fun and enjoy his day. If he choses to not listen, he can sit in the chair until he CHOSES to do as he is told. Let him know he is to sit there until he is ready to follow instructions. It may work, it may not, but that's usually what I do, and it's worked pretty well for me. I hope it works for you!! Let me know how things go :0)

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