how do you get men to help more.

Luan - posted on 09/04/2009 ( 30 moms have responded )

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have 3 half year old boy,4 mth girl he only does night feeds and i do everything else around the house,What to do?.

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Stephanie - posted on 09/04/2009

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have you heard the expression... actions speak louder than words??? It might drive you crazy but it WORKS!!!!!!! after two days my husband started hanging up his work shirts and folding his pants!! just turn a blind eye (which is harder than it sounds) to it and let him see that when you don't do it, it doesn't get done!!! Men think that things just majically get done, they put no thought into how long it took or who did it. Its not their fault, it is just how they are wired!!! If he asks why you are not doing things, which means he has noticed, then explain to him that this is how your day is spent and with you going back to work there is not going to be enough hours in the day to complete all of these tasks and that he needs to help pick up the slack... and maybe you staying at home so that you can take care of things that he is perfectly capable of doing might be whats best... (I say that sarcastically) try it and if that doesn't work well then I will pray for you to have strength!!!

Stephanie - posted on 09/04/2009

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I agree!! If you ask usually they will do it!!! When I need help with my 3 little ones I just ask!! Also if you get him into a routine, like, my husband does the bedtime stuff. He gives baths, I dress them, and then we all sit down and do bible time and prayer together. Point being once he starts the kids will want him to do it and they will ask for him!!! He will not be able to turn them down!!! My husband and I went through this a while ago and I just told him look sometimes I need a break!!! And it wouldn't kill you to help out around the house!!! Nicely ofcourse! Men are not like women they do not see what needs to be done like we do. Just ask!!

[deleted account]

A couple of tips:

Try to get him to step into your shoes for a day so he can see how much you do and how exhausting it can be.

Get him around other fathers that do help out alot sometimes seeing how involved other fathers are can encourage him.

Ask him for more help - show him a list of things that need to be done during the day and ask him for help on a few of them. sometimes seeing the list gives them the idea but you have to tell him ie. while i am doing the dishes can you do a puzzle with the kids to keep them distracted from wanting to play in the dish water etc...



hope these help a little...

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Kim - posted on 09/08/2009

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wow, you just read my mind!!! My husband love my son, and can take up all the time in the world, but when I ask him to do something little and simple he huffs and puffs, as if I'm asking him to watch "HIS" son all day! Why do men have to be like this! ugh! Irriates the crap out of me, then they wonder whats wrong with women today! :)

Amanda - posted on 09/07/2009

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Quoting luan:

how do you get men to help more.

have 3 half year old boy,4 mth girl he only does night feeds and i do everything else around the house,What to do?.



I found that with my husband, I have to give him a choice when I need help. I ask him if he wants to bathe the kids or vacuum etc.  To my total amazement, he will vacuum or do dishes, whatever! He does not like bathing the kids! Options might work for you too!

Dena - posted on 09/06/2009

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I hear ya loud n clear Mama! My hubs a lazy A** too. It's sooo frustrating! Whats worse is when they do it in front of people. Then it's a public display of disrespect. My husband just stood there when I was struggling to get my son in a strooler off the bus. Everyone behind us had to wait. When I asked why he didnt help he asked if I am helpless. The guy behind me in line had to pick his jaw off the ground. I have serious frustrations on this topic. I feel like I gave birth to and care for his kids, theres NO reason he cant lend a hand.

Dena - posted on 09/06/2009

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My husband hasnt gotten up for a nite feeding since our son was 6 weeks. He's now 10 months!

[deleted account]

I ask my husband when I need help or boldly tell him when I'm feeling stressed. Is he really going to say no? If any man says no than give him a choice. He can help with the children or he can be the one that does the laundry and cooking. He'll pitch in and do something to help when he gets hungry or when he doesn't have any clean underwear to put on.

Kayla - posted on 09/06/2009

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my guy used to be like that too but now he is more willing to help out around the hose and with our 5 kids. i had to keep talking to him over and over. it took quite a bit of time but eventually he realized i wasn't asking so i didn't have to do so much but that i really did need the help.

[deleted account]

Quoting Kaye:

Hello :) I'm with you on this one all the way!! Men are just not able to think ahead or see whats under their nose when it comes to child care OR housework! When you point it out to them, you're NAGGING, if you don't say anything and brood, you're accused of being MOODY! My son who is almost 2 does more to help me round the house than his Dad!! I'm training him from an early age so the woman that marries him has a helpful husband that knows how to give his wife a break!! ;) I have no advice on how to make your man help you more... if you find the answer though, do share with us all lol xx



This is soo great! I'm doing the same thing!!! My son helps me with our laundry, he's not so good at folding (@ 3), but he does a good job of sorting anyways, and putting them in the wash! He also loves putting the soap in :) I have him help make his food whenever possible too! That way ha can get used to this as well! The kitchen should not be foreign grounds for a man! 3 yrs ago, or hell even 2, my husband was still fighting the "you're a SAHM and should be making me all my meals" thought! LOL It was great fun to go back to work and remind him that he IS capable in the kitchen, as he used to be a cook & when we got together cooked more then I did!!!  *rolln eyes* I told my husband since I have no girls I will be raising feminist men :)

Kaye - posted on 09/06/2009

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Hello :) I'm with you on this one all the way!! Men are just not able to think ahead or see whats under their nose when it comes to child care OR housework! When you point it out to them, you're NAGGING, if you don't say anything and brood, you're accused of being MOODY! My son who is almost 2 does more to help me round the house than his Dad!! I'm training him from an early age so the woman that marries him has a helpful husband that knows how to give his wife a break!! ;) I have no advice on how to make your man help you more... if you find the answer though, do share with us all lol xx

[deleted account]

When I stopped washing my husband's laundry he held out for a month, thinking I would pick it back up, hahaha!!! Like I said before, he's been doing it on his own for 3 yrs... occassionally he'll complain that he doesn't have clean laundry, like someone should be doing it for him, LOL, & I simply point out when the washer is empty if "anyone" needs to do a load...

Luan - posted on 09/05/2009

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thanks everyone for your tips i will give them a go,just to let u know i been refusing to sort his washing out for a while and he does do it eventually.

Dyanne - posted on 09/05/2009

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Sit down and talk when not mad or upset and talk!! Let him know some of the things he can do to help and let him know doing that means you will have more alone time for him! Then let him do them without looking over his shoulder and wanting him to do it exactly,like you would!

Candida - posted on 09/05/2009

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My hubby wasn't so great at helping out until i realized how much I was telling him he wasn't doing certain things right even though in his eyes he was and he got frustrated. The first thing he did was stop helping me all together. I have realized the more i boost his ego by telling him how well he does the smaller things the bigger things start happening. We also had gotten some marital counseling because we were having a little trouble communicating love to one another in the way that the other spouse needed it you may want to look into that. I hope this is helpful to you and good luck

Susan - posted on 09/05/2009

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When my husband and I were first together, someone gave me this helpful bit of advice. Don't criticize how he does a job, as long as the job gets done. Sometimes it seems women want men to do household chores or childcare exactly as they do it... you need to relinquish a little control about how it gets done and be happy it gets done. Compliment and show appreciation for what he does do and be sure not to criticize how he didn't do the dishes or change a diaper the exact way you do it. Hope it helps and good luck.

Heather - posted on 09/05/2009

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The most important thing you can do is communitcate. I know this sounds corny...but we as women forget sometimes that men do not take "hints". The have no psychic abilities whatsoever. And that is not a negative thing, its just men. If you were to ask them, they would laugh and say well yeah...duh.

You can't assume he can tell you need help or are overwhelmed. I am a stay at home mom of 5 (4 girls and 1 boy - the youngest of the bunch at 13 months old). Working full time was sooo much easier than this.

When I need help I pick a time I am not irritated or upset. Thats because I will say it all wrong and just make my husband defensive.

Our most recent one was basically this " honey I know you work hard all day and have that long commute to work that drains you. I understand when you get home you want to kick back and relax. But I need some help with the baby when you get home. I am having a very difficult time getting dinner done while holding him or keeping him happy. (then the reminder) At least when you get home you are done for the day with your work. Mine never stops. The only breaks I get are the ones you give me. Can you help me out with Ethan by playing with him while I cook dinner please?"



SO my husband gets home, changes, and takes our son to do whatever he will be doing with him.



Anyway, my point is not to make it a confrontation, be honest, nice, and ask for help straight out with what you would like specifically.



Good luck

[deleted account]

How'd you get him to do the night feeds? Anyway, I'm finding men are highly motivated by praise and compliments. (much like children)! Be sure to compliment him, in front of others, on helping with the night feeds. I agree with Stephanie and others: ASK. The more specific you can be, the better. Instead of saying, "I really wish you would help out around here", say, instead," Honey, would you please..." Good luck to you.

[deleted account]

First, appreciate what he does do...I'm a single mom now, and think you're lucky you have help. That doesn't mean you should be so grateful that you do the lions share of the work! Communication is key. Talk to him about it. Tell him you're stressed, exhausted, and concerned about the uneven work loads. If he doesn't agree and offer to do a more equal share, ask him to help you make a list of what each of you do so he can see how unevenly the responsibilities are divided. Ask him nicely to help, and let him know how much you appreciate what he does. Make sure he understands that this will be freeing up some of your time and energy, which can then be spent together! Good luck!

Erika - posted on 09/04/2009

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at least he helps with night feeds, maybe tell him how u feel and see if he will help out more

Liz - posted on 09/04/2009

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When you figure it out, please let me know! I am a stay at home Mom with a 2 & 3 yr, old. Getting my husband to do anything is like pulling teeth. He does work nights so I give him some slack, but he is in bed by midnight every day, and will usually sleep until 8 ( more than me) both my girls are up by 6:00. He gets up and wants to drink coffee, read the paper, and go on the computer. Then the girls take naps and he wathces TV. When the girls wake up THEN he decides he needs to shower and get ready for work. Basically I am a single Mom with an adult child who doesn't understand when I tell him he is never there. The usual response I get is "I'm home every day until 2:00....

Diana - posted on 09/04/2009

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First.....you have to find the right man. If a person doesn't want to do something, you can't force them. If he wants to miss out on the wonder of childhood....that will be his loss. Whatever you do, don't talk to him like you are his mother, you aren't. Don't nag at him, that is not good for either of you. Have an adult conversation, keep it calm, and ask if he wants to be involved, not overwhelmed, with his children. These are things you should have talked about before the children arrived, but if you didn't, now is not the time to catch up.

Candice - posted on 09/04/2009

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wow. you women put up with WAY more than i ever would. I'd boot him out and tell him he's a grown up, he can help, or leave. I want a man, not another child. patience is not one of my virtues.

[deleted account]

What has worked for some may not work for you! When my husband quit helping out after I became a SAHM i quit making life easy for him! I only made food for me & my son, I only cleaned our laundry & towels (left his for HIM!), I cleaned what was necessary for my house to be safe for my son @ the level he was at (floor time, crawling, walking, etc.), I left the dishes & would only clean what I needed for what I was doing at the time... My house was a DISASTER! And it was HELL for me to deal with it!!! Some things I sucked up, like the kitchen (I hate a dirty kitchen!), to this day I REFUSE to do his laundry! I also won't make him lunches for work, and he helps out with diner or makes it half the time. But I went back to work over a year ago and it was a night job so he got used to making diner with out me! Going back to work did not really help me out with my husband picking stuff up... He did clean more then he did before but it took a couple years! Hell to make a perfect example, my husband was laid off for 6 wks and I was working and I STILL did more then he did... He basically took care of our son and nothing more! After much complaining, pleading and a little begging he finally started helping a little more the last 2 wks of his layoff, and now having gone back to work and me being home again... I only get help cuz I'm pregnant, I'm not sure how this will differ once our son is born? GOOD LUCK!

Fiona - posted on 09/04/2009

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You will have to talk to him. I tried encouraging, hinting and afew other thing and got no were

Stephanie - posted on 09/04/2009

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ps the whole have him step into your shoes for a while never worked for me!! it is for a brief time number one and number two he is not going to look around at the mess every where and be like oh my gosh this is a mess and laundry needs done, the sink needs cleaned out, and the floors are a mess. no that stuff will still be there when you get back!!!!!

Stephanie - posted on 09/04/2009

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I had the same problem when I went back to work... I started leaving stuff where it was... If there were clothes on the ground I left them there, this drove me nuts, but it worked he started helping... he cooked dinner, helped with the laundry, vacuming, etc... Running a house is not a 1 person job!! and my husband is definately happy I am at home again so he doesn't have to do as much but he knows he still has to help sometimes!!! It helped us to have a calendar for dinner plan out dinner the whole week, make a list of all the chores that need done and the day they get done, ask him to rotate the dishes with you (you do them one night and he does them the next) it works as long as you communicate to him how important this is to you!!

Luan - posted on 09/04/2009

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thats the thing my partner not at work we been hit with credit crunch,and im going back to work im worried that i will still have to do everything.

Joanna - posted on 09/04/2009

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Have a heart to heart with him. If you have already tried that, then make a date with a friend or his mom or your mom for when he will be stuck home with the kids on his own for a few hours. When you get home and he tells you how hard it is, then try that heart to heart again. Don't lecture, tell him from the heart that you both are in this together and you need this to be a partnership. You know he is working, but this is work too and you need his help when he gets home, not just at night. Other than that, deep breaths, it takes time. It took mine 2 years. But he has come to realize that this is just as exhausting as his, and we don't get a break, we are at work 24-7.

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