How do you spoil your grandchildren but still be firm?

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[deleted account]

firstly, i don't think you're really talking about spoiling your granddaughter. wrong word! :o) spoiling is letting the child get away with everything, allowing them to have what they want when they want it and to do what they want whenever they want to. that is not what you are describing. you are still enforcing limits, you are still letting the sweetpea know that "no is no" for specific things. being loving, cuddling, and generous does not mean you are spoiling her.



as for the scolding from your daughter, i think sometimes i tend to be harsher with my son when my parents are around because i have some weird idea that they will criticize me a lot if my child acts out of line. part of this is because my parents were very hypercritical of me (i was scolded for not getting into harvard, no kidding). that may not be your daughter's issue, but it's just a thought. OR she might be trying to over-compensate if she sees that you are not enforcing her rules or backing her up.



i would actually talk to your daughter a bit and see if she ever feels like you undermine her. don't attack her or criticize her. just ask if your "laxness" frustrates her and makes her feel like she should be more strict/firm than she wants to be. or just say, "how can i back you up?" i think the idea that a grandparent's job is to "spoil" a child is okay by indulging in maybe...gifts, or an extra cookie, or something like that. the real problems come up if the grandparent is undermining the parents for things that are not negotiable, like behavior.

Karen - posted on 06/04/2009

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Hi Amie, well she use to live with me for one thing, and thanks for all your words of wisdom as well. Being a Nana is great, and I was strick with my kids, but more laid back with my grandchildren, although they do have to go by the rules, and I do not tolerate some of the things my daughter let's slide. I won't tolerate a mouthy child. My granddaughter also knows when Nana says No, she means it, although I have to really have to have a good reason to say No. Like I said they are only little once so I am really laid back with them. I love to color with them, play ball with them, sing with them, and teach them songs and other things. But they can be little stinkers too, if I put her on a time out she will cry for her mommy and when she is at home and get's a time out she will cry for her nana. All in all things are good but when you look in those big blue eyes sometimes it really is hard not to give in, but you are all helping me stand strong! Thanks again.

Amie - posted on 06/04/2009

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How do you know she's only scolding her around you? I'm not being rude or anything just want to know... it's hard to tell with text sometimes. =)
My own parents are getting better with this. My mom is very close to our oldest too. She used to let her run rampant and get away with everything. Then she'd wonder why Nicole would whine for things and not listen when she was there. Some rules still need to be applied even when with gramma. But your daughter needs to know too that everything that happens at gramma's isn't neccessarily bad. Gramma's are there to get away from the strict home life. Did she have visits to gramma's house when she was small? If she did does she remember them? I loved going to gramma's house! Especially because I got sugar on my cereal. =) That was awesome. lol.
My mom enforces most of our rules but is more lenient than we are. That's fine, she's grandma. She says you know mom and dad don't let you do that so you can't do it here either. The kids listen and they go on to something else because at gramma's house there is loads of things to do and get. Everytime they come home it's new clothes or toys or books, etc. Like when I was a kid they get sugar on their cereal there, or the sugary cereals my mom buys them as treats since they don't get them at home. Gramma's are meant to be the fun place to go. The only thing the child really needs to know that what is acceptable at gramma's isn't always acceptable at home. Mine know this and we're fine.

Karen - posted on 06/03/2009

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Thanks Jennifer, I try to be respectful of my daughter and her rules as well.. although at times it is hard! it seems she is only "scolding" my little sweetpea when she is around me and that is not fair, so I had to tell her that. But all in all they are a good much of grandchildren. The on in the picture with me is my oldest grandchild, the one I am most bonded with and call her Sweetpea. Thanks again for your words of wisdom.

[deleted account]

My mother spoils my son rotten but he knows it comes with limits. She gives him her undivided attention and always buys him little treats but she's not afraid to say no and give a time out when necessary. I also appreciate the fact that she respects my rules and keeps up with my routines and schedule.

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