How hard is it for you to be a mom?&wife?

Sabrina - posted on 07/06/2009 ( 31 moms have responded )

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I struggle to find me between my 14 mo. child needing me,my husband needing me and me needing me.and im not able to find me! how about you?

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Christina - posted on 07/07/2009

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As many times as we hear people tell us to "make time for ourselves" we still hesitate to do it. I finally broke down and started leaving the kids at the sitters for the rest of the day instead of picking them up right when I got off work. Admittedly, I use most of that time doing chores and stuff, but I do also get some time for myself. Listen to music *you* like. . . facebook is great for getting some adult conversation if you don't have a lot of friends who live close. . . and I love NPR for some intelligent news and stories. Little things, but they make you feel just a little more like a human than just a mom.

Candice - posted on 07/06/2009

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you'd be surprised to find out how many of us chose the single mom path cuz we got tired of having 2 children (the child and the man). the men in our lives get to keep themselves, while we lose ourselves in parenting and trying to keep everyone "satisfied". you need to find time alone, find people with similar interests to keep your mind sharp and keep your interests sparked. i find making connections with other moms who have things in common with me (other than being moms) keeps both the kids and the moms happy. and don't forget to take time out to do something FUN now and then! you can't help your daughter find her identity if you lose your own :)

Christine - posted on 07/09/2009

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Somedays it feels like my husband resents our children, because I don't show him the same amount of attention that he used to get BK (before kids). somedays he's very negative even harsh with our boys, he gets mad when lying in bed i'm unable to show him the intamacy he needs, because I am nursing our 3mo old. Then when the kids are in bed, and I have a few moments to, unbelievable as it may sound, go to the wash room or have a shower, I hear from my husband how I just disapear when he thought I wanted to spend time together. It gets better still, on the days that I do wait to spend time with him, he's usually too busy on the computer to even hear me speak to him....

there's a bit of a double standard there. The thing I love, absolutely LOVE to hear is when husbands say, "I need a break from the kids," and they have to leave the house and get together with other men....I'd love to see the look on my husband's face if I tried that and dissapeared for 18 holes of golf.

It is a never ending strugle to manage your time, between the kids, laundry, dishes, cooking, husbands, personal hygene (suprisingly takes the back seat to everything else), and personal recreation. I find I'm doing alot of multi tasking, feeding the baby and reading, taking the kids for walks just so i can get out of the house. I know one day they'll all leave my house, and I will look back with fond memories of when they were small, but you never miss what you have until its gone.

Sarah - posted on 07/06/2009

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It wasn't until my daughter was around 18 mos. or so that I started to "recognize" myself again, so don't worry, there is hope for you yet! I agree that you need to find time for yourself. I really like somebody's suggestion of taking advantage of the free childcare at your local YMCA or gym. Club Fitness is only $15 per month for a membership, and they offer free childcare during the day so you can workout. Or try finding a mom's day out program. Local churches and sometimes daycares or preschools often offer a program where you can pay $15-$30 per child for 4-5 hours of childcare one day per week. If you just need to get out of the house and meet people, try meetup.com. I found a great playgroup in my area and have met some amazing friends. We get together about once a week or so and the kids play while the moms sit around and drink coffee and talk. Do you have a friend or friends with children around the same age as your child? If so, ask if they would like to swap childcare once or twice a month. You watch their kid(s) for a few hours for free, and in return they watch yours. If your husband is understanding, ask for a night off, or simply ask for help once in awhile when you're feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes my husband feels like more of a burden than a partner, but I have to remember to ask for help. Usually if I ask him, he's willing to lighten my load a bit. As moms, we sometimes forget how dense men can be. They just simply don't think to offer to help. One more suggestion: think back to before you were a mom...what did you like to do? Shop? Go to the spa? Go to the movies? Go dancing? Did you have a hobby? Whatever it is, try and make some time to do it. Hire a sitter. Ask grandma or another relative to take the baby for a few hours or overnight so you can remember what it was like to do something fun for yourself. Being a wife and mother can dominate every second of your life if you let it. Reclaim some time for yourself.

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Sabrina - posted on 09/01/2009

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wow! another mirror ..i really thought i was the only one that couldnt deal.. i thought i was being selfish in some ways just for wanting to sit and lock my self in the bathroom just to get 10 mins to do my nails and let them dry or sit in there cuse i want to with out being questioned ...but its always hurry or i dont hear any thing thats never good ..and sure enough ,,,its a mess and its not gonna get picked up by any one but you.....and just letting it go no matter how neat or clean of a person you are ..because you still got to make his lunch for the morning and prepair the bottles and wash them and the diapers ...not to mention laundry i loved having my clothes washed daily if i can but now its too much to clean and keep up then he looks at me like well what did you do all day? and all you can do is put up your hands and say ok im gonna do that for you right now ...just to avoid an argument and if it wasnt for this id be still wondering if i was a horrible mom for wanting a lil piece of me... but i see he gets to keep his life and i have to ask to leave...or in the know..and it should be as equal as it can be and since im divorcing i see its still the same he said every other week we switch but only in that week he takes her if he wants to and i cant understand the line,,it gets more complicated the more i try any thing and the stories you guys told me relieve me of my worry in this and i see it as she is more apart of me and its his fault that he doesnt know what comes next...use i had to figure it out...im gonna watch him become a mom and im laughing .......cuse he has noooo idea whats next.........thank you for sharring ..i really appreciate the relief from each story i hear .. i hope you find your self .. i found away to become one with my daughter and we got an understanding and its the most wonderful feeling to see her do what she likes and not feel left alone or abanoned she became independent with me...xx

Amanda - posted on 09/01/2009

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I wish I had a clear cut answer for you Sabrina, but truth be told, I have no idea! I'm struggling too, I have little time for myself and no time with my husband. He works very long hours and when he's home, he just wants to sleep or if not, we end up arguing about something inconsequential and ridiculous. It's stressful enough becoming a wife, forget about the increase when you add being a mom in there too! :) Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but with times the way they are, and money being scarce, time together being non- existant, and a 2 year old (mine) needing you and wanting you....forget about anything to do with yourself. I'm struggling to find some friends, fellow moms..to get together with or find playdates for my daughter. I feel like I've totally lost myself and I have no idea where to find me, I think I must have gone to the beach! LOL! Believe me, I understand how hard it is, we just have to keep trying, looking, and I'm grateful that I found this site. It's nice to connect with other moms, and to know that we're not alone in how we feel. I wish you luck and let's keep our fingers crossed for each other!! :)

Sabrina - posted on 08/31/2009

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Quoting Christine:

Somedays it feels like my husband resents our children, because I don't show him the same amount of attention that he used to get BK (before kids). somedays he's very negative even harsh with our boys, he gets mad when lying in bed i'm unable to show him the intamacy he needs, because I am nursing our 3mo old. Then when the kids are in bed, and I have a few moments to, unbelievable as it may sound, go to the wash room or have a shower, I hear from my husband how I just disapear when he thought I wanted to spend time together. It gets better still, on the days that I do wait to spend time with him, he's usually too busy on the computer to even hear me speak to him....
there's a bit of a double standard there. The thing I love, absolutely LOVE to hear is when husbands say, "I need a break from the kids," and they have to leave the house and get together with other men....I'd love to see the look on my husband's face if I tried that and dissapeared for 18 holes of golf.
It is a never ending strugle to manage your time, between the kids, laundry, dishes, cooking, husbands, personal hygene (suprisingly takes the back seat to everything else), and personal recreation. I find I'm doing alot of multi tasking, feeding the baby and reading, taking the kids for walks just so i can get out of the house. I know one day they'll all leave my house, and I will look back with fond memories of when they were small, but you never miss what you have until its gone.


 

Sabrina - posted on 08/31/2009

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I JUST NEED TO SAY THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT.. I LOVE READING THIS ONE ITS JUST WHATS IN MY MIND REFLECTED BACK AT ME..MY GRANDMA ALWAYS TELLS ME"THE DAYS GO BY SLOW,AND THE YEARS GO BY FAST" ITS SOO TRUE AND WE DONT MISS WHAT WE GOT UNTIL ITS GONE .. AND THATS WHATS HARD ABOUT THE "NOW"..THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS..

Sabrina - posted on 08/31/2009

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Quoting Christine:

Somedays it feels like my husband resents our children, because I don't show him the same amount of attention that he used to get BK (before kids). somedays he's very negative even harsh with our boys, he gets mad when lying in bed i'm unable to show him the intamacy he needs, because I am nursing our 3mo old. Then when the kids are in bed, and I have a few moments to, unbelievable as it may sound, go to the wash room or have a shower, I hear from my husband how I just disapear when he thought I wanted to spend time together. It gets better still, on the days that I do wait to spend time with him, he's usually too busy on the computer to even hear me speak to him....
there's a bit of a double standard there. The thing I love, absolutely LOVE to hear is when husbands say, "I need a break from the kids," and they have to leave the house and get together with other men....I'd love to see the look on my husband's face if I tried that and dissapeared for 18 holes of golf.
It is a never ending strugle to manage your time, between the kids, laundry, dishes, cooking, husbands, personal hygene (suprisingly takes the back seat to everything else), and personal recreation. I find I'm doing alot of multi tasking, feeding the baby and reading, taking the kids for walks just so i can get out of the house. I know one day they'll all leave my house, and I will look back with fond memories of when they were small, but you never miss what you have until its gone.


 

Sabrina - posted on 08/31/2009

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WELL HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU HAD YOUR FIRST ONE? I CAN SEE HOW IT COULD GET AMAZING..AFTER YOU GET THROUGH THE FIRST AND THATS WHAT I NEEDED TO KNOW IS HOW ITS DONE .. BUT IT SEEMS TO GET EASIER WITH TIME WHICH IS WHY ITS SOO WONDERFUL FOR YOU.. IT GIVES ME HOPE THAT IT WILL GET MORE AMAZING EACH DAY....

Sabrina - posted on 08/31/2009

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Quoting Lindsay:

For me its not hard, and i have 4 beautiful children with another on the way I ve been married to my amazing husband for almost three years he works and i am a stay at home mother who is very dedicated to my children and husband really its all about patience.


 

Sabrina - posted on 08/31/2009

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WELL I CANT SEEM TO TAKE JUST A FEW MINS . I GO ALL OUT AND STAY UP REALLY LATE I DESERVE TO HAVE THAT TIME I FEEL...AND YES THE SMALL THINGS ...ITS MOSTLY I JUST NEED ME AND AND SOME HELP ON OCCASION.. BUT THE MORE TIME THAT PASSES THE EASIER IT GETS WE FELL IN TO A ROUTINE WITH EACH OTHER THAT WORKS AND ITS HARD CUSE HE DOESNT CARE TO KNOW IF THERE IS A ROUTINE OR HOW IT GOES..HE JUMPS IN AND OUT AND HE SEE S SHES NEEDING TO PLAY AT 3 AM INSTEAD OF PUTTING HER BACK TO SLEEP..SHE WAKES UP MORE...AND IT TAKES ME LONGER TO GET HER BACK...

Christina - posted on 08/24/2009

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It takes time, but I find that just a few min to myself at the end of the day after everyone else is in bed...including the husband lol allows me to refocus on me and clear my head. I have a 7 and 3 year old, and I have found that as well whenever I feel totallly over whelmed I plan a Friday evening meetup with a good friend at a coffee shop to just chat and relax! Just remember that even the shortest moments alone to think can be rejuvenating!

Lindsay - posted on 08/23/2009

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For me its not hard, and i have 4 beautiful children with another on the way I ve been married to my amazing husband for almost three years he works and i am a stay at home mother who is very dedicated to my children and husband really its all about patience.

Lori - posted on 07/10/2009

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I am a mother of four. I have a 9 year old girl who lives with my cousin since she was two (bless their heartsand taking such great care of her!), a 3 1/2 girl, 1 year and 1 mo boy, and a 4 month old girl and another on the way in Feb.! I find it very difficult! Especially when you have the conversation of needing your own time for yourself even if it is for 1/2 an hour. It is still needed to keep up with yourself and your family! And your babies being young! All the questions that pass through your mind when you are not there (at the grocery store or post office). Your mind is constantly on your family! I just try to take a deep breath, have the confidence that my husband can handle everything for 10 mins, there has been no emergency call yet! And just pray to God that I can enjoy the few minutes that I have and to be grateful! Otherwise, if there are moments that I cannot get away due to work, my husband makes me a bubble bath with candles and a cup of coffee! I have been picking up hobbies, I have gotten scrapbooking, took a minute to myself to develop pics last night because I know my husband is working for the next week straight and it is the beginning of the weekend! Or I just walk to the park behind our house and sit on a blanket and read while the kids have their little fun and become more independent playing with others. But I understand everyone's lives are different, I am wishing you all the best! Just keep conversation open with your husband so that both of you can know what each of you are going through and understand a lot more, that way the both of you can urge each other for a moment alone on occasion when really needed.

Michelle - posted on 07/10/2009

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I think all of us definately struggle with this! I have a 2 yr old and a 4 yrs old, and as fortunate as I am to stay home to care for them, it still is difficult. Sometimes I can barely get through a day without feeling overwhelmed, and other days, it flows much easier. The hardest part for me was accepting that I can not be perfect every day and sometimes, I cant do all I want to do. The next day is another opportuntiy. Going with the flow has helped alot, instead of fighting what happens in a day. Sometimes its out of balance and my kids get all my energy, but then the next day, I am able to have some "me" time or time with the hubby. It's always a hectic, busy time with little ones. We just have to not be so hard on ourselves.

Sabrina - posted on 07/09/2009

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THAT WAS A FAB. STORY I FEEL LIKE YOU READ MY JOURNALS(WHEN I GET TO)AND THAT IS MY POINT,HE DOESNT LET GMA COME GET HER ON HIS DAYS OFF AND HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND THAT ITS MY SANITY,HE WATCHES T.V. WITH ONE EYE AND GONE TO THE WORLD ,HE COULD SEE THE SAME MOVIE A MILLION TIMES AND STILL WATCH LIKE ITS A NEW RELEASE.. AND THEN OFF TO WHERE EVER BE RIGHT BACK...WHAT ..WAIT..AND ME?....ITS CONFUSING WHICH MAKES ME CRAZY IF HE IS NOT GONNA PARTICIPATE IN AN EVENING THEN NEITHER AM I BECAUSE WHEN I GET ALONE TIME I WANT TO SHUT HIM OUT AND ENJOY ME EVEN JUST 15 MINS. OF WOUNDERING THE HOUSE FREELY, I JUST CANT WAIT UNTIL WE ALL GROW IN TO OUR NEW LIFE(WHICH IS NT TOO NEW ANY MORE.THANX,I LOVED YOUR STORY ALL YOU GIRLS MAKE ME FEEL BETTER...SMGM

Sabrina - posted on 07/09/2009

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thanks,your right except my husband leaves at 5 am and returns at 5/5:15 pm leaves by 5:40 pm and returns at 10 or 11pm throughout the 5 days a week.so he and her are intetley needing my attention and the moods are hit and miss!we never share those moments its agreed its a good time,lol.i cant keep up with the mix its frustrating to feel like a single parent and not be.although u r right that after bed time should be for us but i want it to be mine soo much!thanksSMGM

Amanda - posted on 07/09/2009

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Well I`ve been married for 3 years and I have a 2 year old!! It is very frustrating to find time for ANYTHING much less for your self!! Um.. You know being married is a task in itself and having a baby with it is even harder!! All you can do to make sure that your marrage stays good and being a mommy is set a time for your child to be IN BED and mine is 8 o`clock on the dot! And after that you just have to get into the rutine of staying up with your husband and make that YOUR TIME!! That is how I deal with it and for the past 2 years it has BEEN GREAT!

Kayla - posted on 07/09/2009

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I had the same trouble eing a wife and a mother is difficult i hav a 13 month old son and got married when my son was 4 months old my husband and i had arguments often about not having enough time for ourselves but a couple weeks ago we took about a 10 hour drive to lower michigan to see his brother and took our son wih us he hung out with his brother i hung out with my sisterinlaw and there son is 2 years played with my son who is 13 months we were have been getting along alot better u need to just find a chance to go out of town the whole family just to get away and now we find a sitter once a week usually grandma and we go cath a movie or dinner or we just sit at home and relax but we also split duty once in awhile he go to a friends house and i watch our son and once in awhile i go to a friends and he watched our son and now we hardly argue at all it is hard to do but is possible

Jennifer - posted on 07/09/2009

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I am with you, girl. I have absolutely no time for me. Since I have had kids, I have pretty much left everything else in my life behind. It is hard for me to find time to sit on the couch for more than a couple minutes. I wish I could just go sit in a nice bubble bath for even 5 minutes, but I am used to not being able to. I wait for the day that my kids are in school and I can get a couple hours for just me. I have told some people that, and they just tell me that I will miss the days that my kids are toddlers. I just wish that I could agree with them. LOL.

Lynlee - posted on 07/08/2009

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I am fortunate in that my husband does quite a lot around the house so I don't have to do dishes, take the rubbish out and he will do washing too. One thing I have tried to do since our son was born is keep doing the things I enjoyed before he was born. So once he was in bed for the night when he was a bay I would go outside and do some bonsai, also I kept playing piano, which I could do with our baby as entertainment for him too. Nowadays I make sure when our son is having a nap during the day that I do some writing - I'm writing a book - or do something towards my other interests. When I ask other mums what hobbies they do apart from looking after their baby and they say nothing, it makes me worried for them. My husband and I don't go out at the moment as we havent found a babysitter and are trying to save money but we always make sure we sit down together in the evenings and watch tv or read together.

[deleted account]

I understand what you mean. I don't find being a mom that difficult and I didn't find being a wife that hard, either, but being both is exhausting! I constantly wonder how and by whom it was decided that it's mom's job to take care of all of the details of child-rearing whie dad gets to horse around on the living room floor. Bit by bit, I'm reclaiming myself and I think that after I find myself, I'll also feel more like a wife. I joined a book club and we meet once a month. I'm also going to make it a point to reconnect with my pre-baby circle of friends once a month. I think if I get out of the house in something other than a ratty tee shirt and talk about things other than diapers, I'll feel more confident and attractive.

Candice - posted on 07/07/2009

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i got so frustrated with my baby's dad. he wanted to go out "let's give the baby to so and so so we can go on a date"...and all i could think was "maybe if you helped out a bit i would be in the MOOD to go on a date with you! maybe you should do what i didn't do and tell him the truth! men need to learn that helping out is way sexier than flowers once you have a kid.

Sabrina - posted on 07/07/2009

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but its hard w/ him or w/out him when he is here he isnt much help except maybe an extra pair of eyes or hands either way i feel i do it alone he just is needy too!. congrats and best of luck w/ your fam. thanx

Stephanie - posted on 07/07/2009

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I'm going through the same problems with my 14month old and my husband, I also have my second on the way... but on the other hand it's a little easyer because my husband is military so he's nolonger home much. His shop has him working weird hours, so all my time can be with my son...

Angie - posted on 07/06/2009

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I too still have trouble finding time for myself and my husband. I do feel bad for him, but I hope that he knows I still love him. It's just that after working full time and trying to get to the gym and going to school one night per week, I'm pretty wore out. Anybody have tips on still having time for your hubby??

[deleted account]

Your world revolves around your children and it is easy to lose yourself. You have to find a way to make time for yourself and also time for you and your husband. Arrange a date with your husband every so often and also plan to do some things by yourself. I am currently taking advantage of the child care that the YMCA offers to their members. My son can play and I can take an exercise class or swim. Also arrange playdates with your friends and let the kids play while you enjoy some adult conversation. It took me some time to figure it all out but I finally found a balance between being a mom, wife, and just me that I am happy with.

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