Is 21mths too young to spend nights with his Daddy?

Lisa - posted on 07/04/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Hi Mums, I need some fellow advice. I'm going through a difficult separation with my boy's father. Luke is staying with me, but his Daddy is desperate to have him for a night or two during the week. Does anyone think this is too young and disruptive?

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Joelle - posted on 07/06/2010

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i find this post quite interesting and i would like to be of some assistance if i could. I think if your sons father is a responsible mature and attentive person to Luke and will be considerate to obey the guidelines you provide as the main care giver to your child then an over night stay is not a bad idea. I do firmly believe that if its an over night stay where he will have another female companion over doing his fatherly duties it is wrong unless circumstances where different and they have been together for along time and the relationship would escalate to marriage if the woman is not going to be someone that will be in your childs life forever there is no reason for him and her to gain a relationship especially at such a young age and being it is recent that you and Lukes dad have split. besides that, it is supposed to be the time that luke and his dad get to be together so it should really only be father and Son. use your judgement, all you need to question is: will my son be safe? will he be taken care of responsibly ? will he be sensitive to lukes needs and wants ? god forbid anything goes wrong will you be the first contact? and will his father be a good father to him and use his greatest judgement possible when caring for the him ?

Maggie - posted on 07/06/2010

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If his Dad is going to be a part of his life and not pop in and out when ever he feels like it than I think it's best to start letting them have sleep overs now so it's not something new that needs to be adjusted to later.

Jen - posted on 07/04/2010

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does your son dad have a regular part in your son life is he. is he a good farther good role model to your son. i wouldnt say its too young

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Candice - posted on 07/06/2010

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If he is nursing at night still then yes. Otherwise no. He needs to spend time with both parents.He should be adult enough to put his social life aside for the sake of his son.Tell him how you stand on the issue of girlfriends and such.

Caroline - posted on 07/06/2010

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i think u should jump at the chance of ur son stayin with his daddy if gives u some me time and ur son will love the fact he gets to see his daddy.. i dont think it wud be fair to cut his dad outta his life x

Candace - posted on 07/06/2010

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If your son hangs out with his Dad often it shouldnt be a problem! He oviously knows him and is comfortable around him. Just make sure that he does the same night time routine, eat something have a bath read a story cuddle go to bed! I think he will be fine, just be by the phone in case in needs his mommy!! good luck! :)

Erin - posted on 07/05/2010

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I hope you can too. I know you said this was a difficult separation so it won't be easy. Just let him know that you will compromise but he needs to as well. It's times like these where our job as a mom is the most challenging, putting aside our own feelings for what's best for the kids. I hope all goes well and you and your sons dad can come to a reasonable solution.

Lisa - posted on 07/05/2010

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Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the feedback, difficult as it might be to accept some of what you are saying as reasonable and sound. I absolutely agree that Luke needs his Dad energy in his life. Sabine, sitting down and discussing these things is a good idea; really hope we can do that. Thanks for you heartfelt advice.

Erin - posted on 07/05/2010

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I know you must feel so conflicted. If I was in your situation what I would do is create a set schedule for nights that your ex gets him for example every Thurs and Fri one week every Tues the next week or whatever works for you two. As far as his routine goes I wouldn't worry to much his dad and him will create their own routine that works for them, and your son will eventually distinguish his routine with you and his routine with his dad. Me and my boyfriend live together and we have different routines for our son. On the nights I work and he gives him his dinner and puts him to bed, and he does it different then me. My son doesn't seem confused at all when we do our routine. Men just have a different way than us. My boyfriend is a lot more layed back about his routine, most men are. But that's okay as long as they're good dads, and they have their children"s best interest at heart.
As far as him being around the new girlfriend I wouldn't allow it. Not just because It's to soon but also because you don't know her or where their relationship is going. Kids get so attached to people at this age. If your son ends up loving her and then your ex and his new girlfriend break up It may leave your son sad and confused that this person is no longer a part of his life. Your ex should respect this.
If your ex is a good dad then let him stay there. Just sit down and talk like adults and lay down some ground rules. A positive male role model is so important in a child's life. Good luck. I'm sure this isn't easy for you.

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I think you should ask the dad to be considerate of a routine for your son. even if it differs from the routine your son has with you. They can create a new routine for themselves.

i don't see a problem with the girlfriend being there... She's not going to replace you. Moreover, I think that a child who doesn't get to spend time with his father is a lot more traumatic than seeing his father with a new girlfriend. He wants to be part of your son's life and I think you should let him. it's important not to let your feelings toward your ex and his girlfriend get in the way of the relationship between your son and his father.

Jen - posted on 07/05/2010

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lisa tell him tht his new gf can not be there when your son is with his dad say you dont feel is right it might confuse your son

Lisa - posted on 07/05/2010

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I think it's great that his Daddy wants to be a part of his life, but he doesn't take Luke's routine into consideration. He thinks it's fine to pick him up after dinner time and I think it's disruptive for his routine. So I am questioning his idea of responsibility and priorities. I seriously think it's traumatic for Luke to see his Daddy with another woman so soon. It's only been 3mths since the split and Luke was very insecure from coming and going to his old house. Now he has stability and is secure; I don't want to mess with that.

Zoe - posted on 07/05/2010

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whats wrong with his dad wanting to spend some time with him? he stops with you on your own doesnt he? its just the same but with his daddy whats more disruptive for him? you 2 splitting up or him spending some time with his dad? least his dad is wanting to share some responsabillity and it gives you some time to catch up on some sleep and have that time to your self!

Lisa - posted on 07/05/2010

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His Daddy works all day and can only spend quality time with Luke at night, hence the need to spend nights with him. I am also concerned that his Daddy will be with his new girlfriend in front of him - I feel it's too young for him to see his Daddy with a new girlfriend. Thoughts? Thanks Mums!

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