It is so upsetting to me to see other mom's post comments recommending to let the baby/child just cr

Dora - posted on 10/12/2010 ( 40 moms have responded )

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I just don't understand that concept. We as parents are here to wipe the tears from our children's eyes not create them. No one ever said being a parent was easy but there are different ways to go about teaching your child something. For me crying is not a teaching method I believe in or will I ever use with my child. Patience and distractions are what I recommend. I also believe that crying can cause insecurities in children. I am not a psychologist it is just what I believe can happen. Am I the only parent who doesn't believe and doesn't use the crying method especially when it comes to putting your child to sleep????? Whatever happened to nurturing and comforting your child? Sometimes they need their mommy's special touch when trying to get to sleep. Just remember the time flies and before you know it your child will not need you anymore. I also don’t understand the concept of ignoring your child. Why would you ever want to? Think of how that makes you feel as an adult, now imagine what your child is feeling when being ignored. If they throw a tantrum try to diffuse the situation by having them do something they like and get their mind off of whatever caused them to throw a tantrum. Start talking about something you know they really like to try and get their mind off of a negative situation. It’s the little things that count in life. Letting your child cry and ignoring them should always be the very last resort.

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Lin - posted on 10/16/2010

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A lot of it depends on the situation and the child. If you're letting a newborn scream for hours due to a new rigid schedule, yes, something needs to be adjusted, and its not the child. However, if your 2 year old will not calm down unless he gets that candy in the check-out aisle, cuddling/distracted/giving in/anything other than addressing his feelings is doing him a disservice, as you are not giving him the opportunity to learn to cope when things don't go his way, nor are you letting him learn that there are times when it is okay to cry, that it is okay to express negative emotions. That is how kids learn to keep things bottled up in secret until it all comes out in one big massive problem.

And sometimes crying it out and ignoring is the only method that will work on the child. My oldest is stubborn and often refuses to be redirected; just today we were at the pumpkin farm and we were trying to get him to move on from going through a maze, as his little brother, as well as everyone else, was getting antsy - we pointed out the animals, pumpkins, the tractor, even bribed him with candy and nothing worked, so we just had to get him, put him in a shopping cart, apologize for him feeling so upset about being pulled away from the straw maze, explain that we have to move on, and let him have a fit - otherwise we'd still be there. That being said, I don't use it for every tear-inducing moment; when he skinned his knee pretty badly the other day he did get comforted from me with cuddles and jokes. My children know when they need me I am there for them.

I remember my mother talking about how sending me to my room was the only punishment that worked with me; my sister wouldn't mind being banished to hers. Spankings never really did anything for me other than get me mad at the spanker (i.e. lesson never learned), but my sister would change her behavior if one was even threatened. (I'm not advocating spanking so don't flame. I'm just giving an example of how children can differ in how they react to different discipline methods.) Maybe the children of the CIO-ers will only react to that. Every child is different.


The original post makes it sound like those parents who have to use the CIO/I method are heartless bitches. Do you have any clue how much patience we, parents who do have to use it and use it correctly, have to exert (our children may think they're being ignored, but we still listen to every second)? How bad we feel to let our children cry, even though we know it is for their own good, even though we know they are going to be better for it? If you really have this kind of judgmental attitude, I wouldn't be surprised if your children learn to hide the little and the important things from you when they get older, as they will not want to hear you looking down on them if they make choices that diverge from exactly what you want them to do. Please examine how you speak and write about what others do, so that a kinder tone is presented, so that you can build a good, solid relationship with your children when that time has flown and they have left the nest. They will still need you and you will need them.

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I know some people who use CIO methods and I just have to say that if you're doing it PROPERLY, the child doesn't suffer. CIO is NOT letting your child lay in bed and cry for long periods of time. It's a timed thing, done in intervals, and in between the parents go in without saying a word, touch the baby, assure and comfort the baby and calm them down. There are different methods, but this is the one I'm familiar with. We tried it with our son when he was about 6 months old and for us, it didn't work. I wasn't comfortable with it because I'm more of an attachment parent. My son is almost 3 and still sleeps with me every night. But if done properly, CIO can be helpful....it's just not a method meant for every parent or every child. Just like most other things regarding raising a child, every parent has to find what works for their particular situation, their particular child. And sometimes the methods have to be different for each child in a family. I do want to make it clear though, that anyone who lays their child in bed and just lets them cry themselves to sleep....that is NOT a true CIO method.

Avie - posted on 10/17/2010

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I think there has to be a balance. I've never used the CIO method. But I've never HAD to. I've been very blessed with an incredibly easy going child. I can only take some credit for that. My son knows I'm never very far. I have let him cry at bedtime for 5-10 minutes, but never at a scream (more fussing than crying) because I believe it's important for him to know that mommy is there. I have ignored temper tantrums (which are very very rare) because I want him to understand that bad behavior will not be rewarded. When he calms down, he has my full attention. My son is a very happy, loving well rounded little guy and I'm proud to take him anywhere. I get compliments everytime we go anywhere about what a well behaved child I have. But, like I said, I can't take full responsibility for that. It's just his nature. Like someone else said, every child is different. I also agree that we can't over-love our children. And we really are there to dry their tears and not cause those tears. Hang in there and know that you're doing what's right for your child.

Ashley - posted on 10/17/2010

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My parents let me and my brothers cry and cry. We are all normal and well adjusted. But when it came to my son, I couldn't do it. We tried a few times - my husband is from Russia and he couldn't do it. They believe it can actually physically harm a baby. Not just mentally or emotionally. Myself, it just broke my heart.
I don't really have a problem with other moms doing it - my sister in law does it and her kids are normal, healthy, happy and fine. In fact, her kids can calm down much more easily than mine - which is the point of learning to "self soothe" - but I never could do it.
And that's fine with me.
Each to their own I always say. I don't personally agree with giving your child something they LIKE when they are throwing a fit. You should talk to them about what is wrong- try to help them calm down. We do a breathing exercise. But if you are giving them rewards for bad behaviour you are encouraging it.
Like I said - each to their own.

Casey - posted on 10/13/2010

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I think every parent has a right to raise their children however they like, letting a child cry when they are over tired or moody is not child abuse and no child has ever died as a result of crying.
I don't believe that by letting a child cry for short periods of time causes any long lasting effects, and so long as the "cry it out method" is done properly it can be very useful and effective, however if it is not something you wish to do then that is your decision but I don't think you should be making other parents who don't share your views feel guilty for using this method on their own child.
I personally think this converstaion was created so someone can have a rant about how other people care for their children and maybe an attempt to raise a few arguments.

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Allie - posted on 10/29/2010

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I agree and disagree. I let my son cry it out, especially now that he's old enough to understand that bedtime means bedtime. I did a TON of research on the pros and cons before my husband and I made the decision to cry it out. And we didn't do it in a 'light off door shut period' way, we had (have) a very solid bedtime routine and our son knows exactly what to expect and even tells me he's ready for bed before our routing normally starts (on occasion). I do recommend it to friends who are having sleep issues but I always tell them to follow their instincts because "momma knows best". I say to each his/her own. Oh and we do cuddles at nap time. And I know that he feels loved. He tells me all the time.

Juanita - posted on 10/28/2010

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I agree!!!!! Leaving a baby or toddler to cry have no positive effect on them in the long run!!!!!

Avvy - posted on 10/28/2010

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Marcy, thanks for directing Dora to the site on attached parenting/co-sleeping.After reading her post twice I started to read between the lines,she really seemed to want strokes and agreement,not advice. You did a good thing!

Marcy - posted on 10/20/2010

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Dora there are a few circles in COM....attached parenting/co-sleeping moms being one of them. I would highly recommend that you join that circle. I have found for the most part that there are such extremes and in betweens when it comes to CIO and that although it makes your heart sad to see some of the posts replying to them and offering your advice isn't what the original poster is after....plus you get a whole bunch of replies from others. That being said, I have found that if you want really good advice and or you have really good advice to give its very helpful to find a group of like minded mommies. That circle I mentioned is a great place to go.

Brandy - posted on 10/20/2010

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nicole do you really think thats what people were saying? that you shouldnt hold and hug your children for fear that they wont be independent? i think the point was directed towards the original post, because she made it sound like everytime your kid cries you should swoop in and save the day or youre a monster. i myself have a very spoiled little girl, and some of that is from my doing but her dad and have always been very quick to scoop her up at the least little whine. it got to the point where she thought she could do what ever she wanted once we moved in with my mother and if i tried to dicsipline her she would run to my mom and cry and was cuddled, if she stumbled while trying to learn to walk my mother would come flying out of nowhere to see what was the matter and then the tears would start and she would be cuddled. if we went to the store and jenna wanted something she couldnt have all she had to do was cry and my mother would say oh its ok baby grandma will get it and there would be more cuddling. this is the kind of stuff im talking about. and once my daughter was spoiled in this manner everything seemed to be HER choice, she ate what she wanted, she went to bed when she wanted she didnt take naps anymore and while i was trying to enforce some boundaries and rules i was being thwarted by my husband and mother at every turn. this is rediculous and completely unacceptable to me and not only is it disrespectful to me but its not teaching my daughter anything. and so now that we arent living with my mother and my husband and i had a long talk i have to teach my daughter how to behave appropriatly and sometimes that means if she doesnt get her way its ok to be mad and cry but that doesnt mean that mommy is going to give in. and if i were to pick her up in that situation and comfort her then she now automatically thinks that im giving in so then when shes calm and she still doesnt get her way her tantrum starts all over again. therefore, she can not be cuddled in those time of situations. and if other people want to do this thats fine but i would rather suffer the tears now and set some boundaries. and i dont feel like its right for someone to attack parents like myself because they have a different style of parenting. sure i love my daughter but im not going to let her call all of the shots, i personally think its crazy how some people let their kids decide everything. my aunt does this, and i think that her child is totally disrespectful and rude now that hes older and its almost like shes afraid to hurt his feelings and he wont like her, so if were having a family get together and he doesnt want to go then they dont, but im not going to jump all over her for that, thats her life and if thats the way she wants it then shes got it.

Jade - posted on 10/19/2010

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im the same i cuddle my son at night he sleeps better and i just couldnt let him cry hiself it just makes them scared of being left alone , actually i would say some children left to cry can become quite withdrawn they need comforted x

Nicole - posted on 10/18/2010

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I think this CIO topic is very controversial... by saying this I mean there are sooooo many factors involved when we say why we use this method or we don't.
You have to factor in the AGE of the child first and foremost. This method is not to be used on children under the age of 6 mths.
The personality of the child, home environment, the parents patience levels (we all have different tolerance levels), whether it is your first or subsequent child (we tend to loosen up abit after the first child..you can read the different crying signals a little easier) and also how we were raised.
I read through all the comments and realized most of them talked about using this method on older children from what i can gather 1 yr and up. And yes I agree with some about teaching them about emotions good or bad, but everytime some one mentions that picking up holding (hugging) your child makes them less independant is sooooooo wrong!!! I picked up cuddled, nursed, rocked, consoled both my kids from day dot and they are 2 most independant children I know. They know that if they need me I will be there with my arms open, but they will do it themselves first.
Kathleen - What is permissive parenting? And how is it bad? (just curious!)

Kathleen - posted on 10/18/2010

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There are a couple things about crying that I think many parents forget........1. Crying on occassion is good for you biologically 2. Crying is a coping technique that if you go to great pains to avoid it, you are also going to great pains to prevent your child from learning it 3. Crying is the biggest form of communication a young child has, and when you silence the cries you are silencing your child's expression of communication 4. If you do not support your child's hurt feelings (or whatever) that caused the tears in the first place, and instead put your attention into quieting the crying - then you are missing the point and completely disregarding your child's feelings.

Much damage can be caused to a child's psychological and emotional development by moms who spend all their time trying to make their children 'feel better' about everything. Feeling 'bad' is something that children need to learn how to cope with too, and distracting from it doesn't help them do that. FYI - Permissive parenting is the most damaging style of parenting.

Ashley - posted on 10/18/2010

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I agree, all children are different. My son is very temperamental by nature. We don't put up with tempertantrums. Like I said, we also didn't let him cry it out. He just would get too worked up and by the time 5 minutes had elapsed he was in a fit of rage and he couldn't sleep for 2 more hours (my mom tried it when she helped me). You have to go with what works for your child.

Vanity - posted on 10/17/2010

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Sometimes you have to, especially when you know for a fact that there is absolutely nonthing wrong with the child and that they are spoiled. Its not going to hurt them, in fact its good for their lungs. I never had that problem, my baby hardly ever cried and when she did you could barely hear her.

Nichole - posted on 10/16/2010

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i've always let my kids cry it out to go to sleep. my rule in my house if if you aren't bleeding or dying, there's no need to be crying. my daughter never liked to be rocked or held to go to sleep so i would just put her in her crib and 10 minutes later she was out.. it's what worked for us.

your kid isn't going to die or become psychologically impaired just because they cry. some people do it, other people don't. who are you to judge.

Angela - posted on 10/16/2010

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I've done it with my 2 year old and it has ALWAYS depended on what kind of crying she's doing. If it's the "it's bedtime, I'm overtired, but don't want to go to sleep" cry, we let her sit in her bed and cry. She's done and passed out within five minutes. I know that's the only thing that works for her - she doesn't want to be cuddled or rocked or sat with, she just wants what she wants - to not go to bed. If she also starts crying because she's been told no and can't have what she wants, I WILL ignore her sometimes. She's so strong and willful (and at the age where she likes to hit sometimes) that I can't reason with her when she's like that. I tell her when she's calmed down she can come and see me, and she calms down and tells me "all done crying" within a few minutes.

I've never ignored a cry telling me that she was hurt/wet/etc. when she was a baby. now that she's older she just tells me.

As a mom you really have to figure out what methods work best for your child. CIO was a last resort for me because I didn't want to do it, but it's actually the only thing that works for us. At bedtime if i go in and she's crying, she just cries longer and harder.

I agree with you though - infants should never be left to CIO, unless you're taking a 5 minute mental health break from the crying and the baby has been left in a safe place.

Jacqueline - posted on 10/16/2010

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I have 2 children and i believe that both methods used in conjunction with each other is great...children need positive reinforcement and also firm discipline. my eldest is very defiant and I find timeout works well with him which involves crying it out(a smack on the hand just doesn't cut it anymore). At the same time I believe that if a child is genuinly distressed they should be comforted with lots of hugs and kisses. If you tend to their every beck and call they will never be able to engage in independant activities and will create a scenario where your child will cry just cos they want a drink when they are very capable of Asking for it. I use both positive and negative reinforcement and each child is different and therefore will respond differently to different disciplines.

Brandy - posted on 10/16/2010

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i agree with you erin however that comment made by nicole is not entirely correct information, i get what youre saying about babies crying to communicate and its our responsibility to figure out what it is but they do cry just to cry because they need to tire themselves out sometimes this is coming from nurses, therapists and such not me. but youre right when theyre infants you shouldnt just leave them laying somewhere screaming unless you are going out of your mind from all of the crying then its recommended that you put them in a safe place and give yourself a 5 min break and im pretty sure anyone who had to be alone all day with a collicy infant knows how that is.

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I didn't want to I tried everything else and did at as a last resort. I would hold and rock her then put her down, hover over her crib and sing, slowly place her in after falling asleep... nothing worked. I was finally so tired and so worn out that I just let her cry. It's better then yelling at her because I'm at my wits end.

I think that depending on a child's personality your method would work... but not on all. It wouldn't have worked on me, and it didn't work for my nephew (whom is similar in personality).

When my daughter throws a fit I let her ride it out. She's 11 months old it isn't like I can have her tell me in words what she's so upset about. If I take something away and she throws a fit over it... tough she isn't getting it back, there is a reason I took it away.

I put her in time out when she does something bad. She cries... I know why she is and tough she did something bad and is getting punished for it; I don't expect her to be happy. Now when I put her in time out she sits there and doesn't make a sound until I come and get her. I then tell her why I don't want her to do it and hug her.

Crying is healthy it is how they show emotion. Even fits are healthy (although annoying). If you give your child what they want when they throw a tantrum then they'll always throw tantrums to get what they want... even as teenagers.

Christy - posted on 10/15/2010

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I do not think that letting your child cry is MAKING him cry. He is crying because of some other reason. If it is simply for the fact that he/she does not get their way, then why not let them cry for a while and teach them that crying does not solve everything? It is not hurting your child to cry over not getting everything he/she wants. To me, it is good parenting. Do you cry every time you do not get your way?

Monica - posted on 10/15/2010

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i have twins and when one crys the other does tosometimes babys just need to cry... i mean are you saying your child has NEVER cryed??? just cuz you pick them up or pat there backs dont mean anything expecialy with newborns crying is a good thing expecially for there lungs... so you dont have to let your child cry and ignoring them not a lot of moms ignore them they can hear it and it does hurt some parents to listen to the cry i know it does for me but now at 2 years old my twins sleep seperate and they go to bed with out a problem and they sleep all threw the night... they cry when they dont get there way or over toys but those are little things that are easily fixed.... i DONT think however that you have the right to judge other people on how they raise there children or methods they use.... saying that you dont think its right that parents let there kids cry is like saying that persons doing it wrong... your not the first to be a parent people have been having babys and raising them for thousands and thousands of years and sometimes they do need there mommys special touch but sometimes they need to cry.. even as an adult i still cry... you dont see me running to my mom to pat my back or put me on her lap and rock me...

Erin - posted on 10/14/2010

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After reading so many oppinions regarding this post I have come to this conclusion: you can never love your child to much. I see nothing wrong with comforting my child when he is UPSET. That's not to say I'm going to drop everything I'm doing if he's a little fussy or whiney just so he can have my attention(they do learn at a young age how to manipulate us, as we all know lol) But come on ladies we know our child's cries and when they really need us. I think all the original poster was saying is that she wouldn't put her child in his room and let him cry for hours until he falls asleep, nor would I. My son has always been good about going to bed. Just recently he started giving me hard time. He has his bedtime routine and he knows when it's getting close he's started with the "want another story book and want water" and the answer is "no bedtime". But if he wakes up in the middle of the night crying I go in and cuddle him for a little while then off to sleep he goes. He doesn't do that very often so when he does I know he needs me. I'm not trying to offend anyone all I'm saying is that our maternal instincts tell us when they need us and we don't need to over think it so much.

Amanda - posted on 10/14/2010

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I completely agree with you. I have never let my 21 month old cry it out. He is not an animal that requires training. He is a human being. Being a child doesn't make him any less deserving of respect. HE has feelings and emotions that he can't process yet. We as adults have trouble controling our emotions at times, yet we expect our children to be able to.
Children need our support, guidance and respect. Not punishment and avoidance at their most vulnerable times.

Dora - posted on 10/14/2010

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Casey this post was started because there are many new mom's who have asked for advice on what to do when their child won't go to sleep or is having a tantrum. The responses and recommendations I am talking about are from those mothers who are telling these moms to just let their babies cry. I saw one post that said you can let them cry it out for 20-30 minutes. Another one said just put them to bed and shut the door. In my opinion that is insane and heartless. In another post I saw a mom recommend to completely ignore their child during a tantrum. Whatever happened to trying to come your child down and talking to them. The point of being a parent is to teach them, help guide them and teach them to try and understand. When a child is overtired and there really is nothing you can do for them then I can understand letting your baby cry because they are so over tired and don't know what to do with themselves. It still wouldn't hurt to hold them in your arms as they are crying so at least they are feeling a sense of security. By being the type of mother as I am not believing in the CIO method or ignoring my child is NOT turning him into a dependent child or spoiled. My son is only 2 1/2yrs old and is extremely independent and never thows a fit because he doesn't get his own way. Instead he is the complete opposite because we constantly talk to him and explain things to him. It's all about communicating. Just because they are little doesn't mean children are stupid. if anything they are the complete opposite. Children are beyond smart and that is why when you constantly communicate with them, repeat directions over and over again, etc........ they learn from that and begin to understand. They learn comprehension skills.

Nicole - posted on 10/14/2010

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I agree with you Dora, the CIO method, may work for some but it is something i would never put any of my kids through.
But if you get to the point where you think you need it then remember that it is NOT recommended for babies under 6 mths....up to then babies only cry for a reason...hunger, wet, cold, hot, overtiredness or human touch. They do not have the ability to just do it for the sake of annoying you.
I have never co-slept with either of my kids but they do sleep in my room in a cot and I think having you close to them helps alot.
There was a comment made that picking up or comforting your child will make them 'clingy' is sooo wrong, I picked both my kids up all the time for cuddles when crying and the the 2 most independant children you could find. its more to do with how you teach your kids to be independant, picking them up all the time doesn't stop this.
Deanna - i'm a little sadddened that you have taught your daughter that violence is the answer to her problems, and then rewarding her for this??? Wow maybe I was raised differently,,,,,violence never solves anything it just creates more violence.

Brandy - posted on 10/13/2010

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i love my daughter more than life its self and i give her more than enough love and support, that being said, not all kids are the same and letting your child cry and ignoring them are two different things in my opinion. if jenna doesnt want to go to bed and shes tired she will cry, she doesnt want to be rocked she wont lay down if im in her room and i have no choice but to put her to bed and walk away, she might cry for a few minute but then she falls asleep and if she wakes up in the middle of the night i always go in and comfort her. as far as the tantrums go im not going to reienforce it by giving her attention. if she is frustrated i will interviene however if she is just flat out throwing a fit because she doesnt want to leave the park or something i let her have her fit and we go on with life. i talk to her, i try to help her and i do the best that i know how, but constant coddeling and babying is not nessesarily going to help either. she needs that independence she needs to problem solve she needs to learn how to express unpleasant feelings in a healthy way. and i will be there to guide her. there should be a balance.

Melissa - posted on 10/13/2010

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I know it makes my heartache when mom's talk about letting little ones crying it out.

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Every mother is different and so is their teaching, parenting styles. I for one have NEVER allowed my children to go into childcare because I know for a fact that there is no other woman like me. I have friends and a couple of family that I trust with my kids though. Yes I let my kids cry a bit when they were little. It doesn't hurt them and they actually learn that they can get whatever they want if they just cry otherwise. I have learned, through my own mistake and leaving my girls with an aunt, that as a child gets older the behavior doesn't stop and will only worsen. I have fought for 5 years to get my teen and her father to stop giving her what she wants all the time. Hasn't worked yet. I have also taught my 7 year old to protect her little sisters and herself against a cousin that was raised your way. He gets most of what he wants and only has to complain to get attention. He spent 3 months hitting my daughter before I taught her to fight back. The day she was ready I let her go to her aunt's house while I was at work and he tried hitting her and pushed her off the bed. she got up ripped his legs out from under him, punched him a few times and shoved him off the bed right back. He tried a few more times after that and my daughter got meaner every time. He eventually stopped when he realized she would take the punishment for getting him back. Of course I always took her out for icce cream on those days as a reward for teaching him a new lesson. She has saved her sisters from him a few times and I have even congratulated her in front of his parents for protecting herself and her sisters. All of my girls know how to protect themselves and each other. Yes I picked them up whenever they cried as babies and toddlers and even now as children. However, I didn't freak out if they had to cry for a minute or two or even three. I didn't run into their room and rock them to sleep just because they wanted me to. My girls learned to sleep and go to sleep in their own beds. They have learned and grown so wonderfully. I have amazing kids. They come to me and I to them when they are hurt or just need a snuggle. However, they are go getters, high achievers, and can speak their mind. I am proud of them, I am proud they are my kids, and I am proud of me. :)
I would love to say sorry if that offends but I'm not so how about I am sorry you feel so bad for people when you have no need. If the children were really being abused then the parents wouldn't have custody of them.

Good luck and god bless. Try not to think about it if it bothers you so much. God will look after his own.

Teresa - posted on 10/13/2010

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Basically I for one think it depends on the situation that is causing your child to cry and your communicative skills with your child from even before the child was born. CIO should only be the last resort after all else has failed. Tantrums, attention and even mood swings can be dealt with adequately by the use of other means than CIO..... and who says your child does not understand when you talk to him/her. They may not understand the words but the tone of your voice, looking the child in the face while talking to him/her and your general body language is what the child reads and responds to and not necessarily what you say. If you have a child who is turning you nuts, STOP what your doing for a minute, face the child, look him in the eye and with a firm voice, try to resolve the situation, or admonish/scold. Try this and tell me if it doesnt work.
After a while (as long as this is not done too often and flippantly) it just takes a particular look and the child knows that if he/she doesnt stop, a day out, a favourite toy, 30mins TV time, would be taken away from him/her. If he/she is a baby, i've found out that holding the baby close to your heart so he/she can hear/feel your heartbeat, (i.e after checking for a diaper change, hunger cries etc) will usually send the baby to sleep or at worst settle/quieten him/her. However, if you are having an emotional turmoil yourself, it's best to calm yourself first and you'll be surprised how quick your baby would settle down too.
Like i said early, bottom line is communicative skills at least for 90% of my kids' (and i have 2 boys) tantrum/attention cases.

Jessica - posted on 10/13/2010

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I have let both my children cry it out. I don't just ignore all crying - it depends on the cry. If it's an "I'm overtired" cry then I don't go in. If it's an "I'm upset - scared, wet, hysterical" cry then I go in.

Erin - posted on 10/13/2010

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I have tried the crying out method a couple times. It all depends on the cry. There have been times I can tell he's faking and if that's the case I won't go in. However, sometimes the faking turns into a real cry and then he gets himself all worked up and if he's really upset I'll go in. I can't listen to my son cry hysterically, I just can't, it goes through me like a knife. I don't judge other peoples way, but for me I can't let him cry it breaks my heart.

Sasha - posted on 10/12/2010

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I have a 14 month old and if she is overly tired but will not sleep after we have tried everything we can possibly try i will put her into bed and let her cry. Sometime's she'll go to sleep sometime's she wont if her cry goes for more then 10 minute's and she get's more upset then i'll get her but the way i see it is if you have tried everthing you can possibly try sometimes the only thing to do is let them cry. I only let my daughter cry if she's overly tired or if she want's to be picked up and i have thing's to do. I don't like putting her to bed to cry but sometimes i have to do it but i really don't think there is any harm in doing it.

September - posted on 10/12/2010

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I've done a lot of reading up on this particular subject and like you I don't agree with letting a child cry it out when it comes to bed/nap time. Now don't get me wrong there have been times when I've laid our son down and he will fuss a little before falling asleep (less than 2 minutes) and I'm ok with that, I think that's fine. When I put our son down at night he's usually ready to go down. If he's screaming at the top of his lungs well then he's not ready to go down and I don't force it. Our son has always set his own bedtime schedule and believe it or not it's always been pretty consistent (between 8-8:30). So being that he's so easy in that way I follow his lead when it comes to nap and bed time and always have. Our parenting style is not for everyone and different things work for different families and that's ok! Just to throw it out there….you come across as being very judgmental. You must feel strongly about these things! Can I ask why? Do you know someone who parents this way and it's getting to you?

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I don't see the misunderstanding. There are different ways of raising kids that can make them turn out similarly as it all depends on the kid. I let my daughter, she's 3, CIO when she's in a bad mood but usually she is so lovable and bright and I get the pride of knowing I'm raising her in the appropriate way that she needs to be raised. You said you didn't understand the method, I tried to explain it. You can't "recommend" your way of doing things because it will not work for every child. If you have another child, wait till he/she gets older and does the same things; you'll realize that you have to treat every child differently. I have two kids, my daughter - crying it out works for her, she gets over it on her own and is a happier kid at the end of the day. My son, granted, is only 14 months old right now - but I could not see CIO working for him because he seeks approval - he wants to be applauded and cheered on for doing things right so I'll have to work with him on other ways of handling his feelings of discontent so that he can get reaction he so desires... he's also very attentive for a 14 month old, and I could see me just saying "stop, that's not how you handle this - do this instead" working for him. My daughter, however, is the complete opposite. Patience? Pfft. Not a chance, my little girl is GOGOGO! there is no TIME for patience. Distractions are temporary. I'd rather teach my kids how to handle things with a long term goal in mind. There are different ways of raising your kids and you don't have room to disagree with others ways - you're not them. Get in their shoes. My daughter doesn't throw fits in school either but she doesn't go around hugging every other kids because I don't allow that... basic trust is one thing, to trust someone enough to hold/hug them - that's a bit much for me. I don't like that idea. I teach my kids to be wary - but you'll never see my daughter at school without a big smile on her face as she's so happy to be with her friends and peers. But I suppose that's a whole other topic we will not agree on. My daughter doesn't get upset when she gets in trouble, I make her understand why, and she is content. So who's to say your way is right? If it were so right, your kid wouldn't have the need to be upset. As a parent, you satisfy your children, love them, care and nuture them but also teach them how to satisy, protect, and take care of themselves.

Dora - posted on 10/12/2010

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Let me clarify as there seems to be some misunderstanding. I am not saying to spoil your child and not teach them independence. My child has learned that he is definitely allowed to get mad or sad over things that are worth being upset about. He has also been taught that it is okay to be angry or sad and these are emotions we all deal with. With the way my husband and I have decided to raise our child by not using the ignoring method or crying it out method I believe personally that it has truly helped him develop into a sweet caring little boy. We get compliments on the way he is always smiling and hugging everyone in school. He doesn't thow fits in school as opposed to other children. He does have tendencies to not listen but then he reacts appropriately when told we are not to do that. He gets upset that he just got in trouble but does not throw a tentrum because he is not allowed to do something. Also he is extremely independent as we let him do most things himself as long as it isn't harmful. Trust me I know every child is different. I am just saying there are different methods out there you can use on your child to help turn a negative situation into a positive one.

[deleted account]

You're certainly not the only parent, but there are definitely problems with kids that receive too much attention - they're not taught independence, honestly. I'm fine with it, after a certain age. When they're little, they don't listen, so what's the point of talking to them, and kids change interests like you change(d) their diapers so trying to distract them will often fail as well.

I'm sure most moms who let their kids CIO do so after realizing their kids are doing it because they don't want to go to sleep/are angry/throwing a tantrum or whatever and there's not much they can do about it. When they're throwing a tantrum, they don't CARE about the other things they like, they only care about whatever is making them cry. I don't like how you said we're here as parents to wipe the tears from our children, not create them, because the children who CIO create their own tears. Not the parent, and this is not a situation to place blame on the parent. It's not ignoring them, either, it's making them learn that they can't cry to get their way - because EVERY kid will eventually think that because up to a certain age, it's their only form of communication and therefore they rely on it, and it's the kids who are constantly tended to, that grow into the spoiled stereotype. Kids have to be taught to self-satisfy as well, rather it's humbly playing with toys or watching tv or whatever to calm them down. As you believe it creates insecurities, guess what tending to their every beckon call creates? A child that thinks if they cry, their mommy is going to come save them immediately. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it is true. There are appropriate times for letting your kid CIO and when they need your attention as well.

Ashley - posted on 10/12/2010

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I havent ever used the cry it out but I think its partly because we live in a 3 storey walk up and the walls are paper thin dont want to drive my neighbours as crazy as I would be going too ... but Yes I do enjoy the cuddle times at bed

Jen - posted on 10/12/2010

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ive let my son cio at bedtime n it didnt do him harm. u have you way of doing things n good on you but not everyone is going to have the same method n say tht letting babys cry is going to mess them up crying doesnt not hurt them.

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