My baby is 3 and doesn't want to go to dad

Marta - posted on 02/05/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Hello mom's. My child and I live in portugal, her dad in mozambique. separation came at 2 years old. she loves her dad and brothers/sisters, has been to her dad twice. 1st time 15 days, 2nd time one month. something happened in that month that has marked her and presently she really doesn't want to go to mozambique. her dad hasen't reaaly managed well the communication between them. I try hard to shorten the distance but it seems that i am working alone. she will not tell me what happened, it's like a tabu. how can i overcome this negativeness that she has, working with her. no use with the dad, totally different ways of looking at child's development. thank u for your help

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Marta - posted on 02/10/2010

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Hi Arati, thank you! her going to mozambique out of the question. but the problem is there underluying so i do think that i will get help, she needs to know that there is always a way out. I don't blame myself, past this issue as the difficulties are so great to get her dad to understand that the only way is by communicating with his ouwn daughter that i have most definetely past blame. but i keep on truying, for her sake. take care.

Arati - posted on 02/10/2010

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Hey Marta, i can understand your worry,and it is really frustrating and sad when as a mum you want to help your kid so much but cant. I think as everybody here suggested, give her time, lots of love and if possible take her to a counsellar. They are trained to get the secrets out - both good and bad.. so you might get help there. In the meanwhile, dont blame yourself, no use . but try spending lots of quality time with her, and do activities which she enjoys, like maybe going to the park, reading, making art activities together.

In time, she will get her confidence back,.All the best.

Marta - posted on 02/05/2010

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Hi Lorie, you may be right. i may not have tried hard enough. i really don't know. have tried with some dolls, the bath duck. but nothing seems to get it out.
i believe she does not know the difference between good secrets and bad secrets. how do you pass it on to them?? thank you very much for your interest and input.

Lorie - posted on 02/05/2010

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Well since she doesn't want to tell you try roll playing with her. maybe get her dolls or buy some and try it out. My son is4 and loves to roll play. I find you know how their feel much better that way b/c its their own words.
Does she know the difference between good secrets and bad ones?? and not to keep bad secrets? I really hope it all going to be ok.
good luck

Marta - posted on 02/05/2010

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So sorry was not clear. yes i have legal custody, father entitled to holidays. she doesn't have to go at this moment, it is a father especial request due to hie recent newborn and wants her to participate in this momento. the thing is my daughter has been telling me that she really doesn't want to go to mozambique ever since she came back from her 2nd stay there. i thought it would pass, but after asking her a few days ago if she would like to to her dad, meet the brother, spend the birthday with them etc, she presented me with the bitting of her finger. that really put me off. thank u for showing me again your kerie

Maggie - posted on 02/05/2010

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well I guess what I was trying to ask is why does she have to go? Is there a legal custody arrangement that says she is to spend a certain holiday there?

Marta - posted on 02/05/2010

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Dear Maggie, she wont be going, not just yet, but holidays will come later this year. planning ahead. The problem is the father was informed and his reaction is somewaht "but all went ok, i don't see the problem". so no help there. Actually this may be the biggest problem, and i am sure that it is not with him, no negative reaction there, it's the house where her dad lives presenting the problem. someone or something went very wrong. than u som much for your care

Maggie - posted on 02/05/2010

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if she doesn't want to go then don't force her to go.If she's having a lot of problems like bathroom accidents, taking up a comfort object (the pacifier) and hurting herself in response to being told to go then something is SERIOUSLY wrong. You should take her to talk to someone. If something did happen then you need to know so it won't happen again!

Just let the dad know that she's not coming because something happened and your daughter is very scared. If he doesn't like it then that's tough. Is there any type of legal custody arrangement?

Marta - posted on 02/05/2010

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Christal, I am quite sure at this stage that something did happen, and yes not from the dad himself, it is along the circle. I'm truying hard to understand and clear this situation but not having much of success. In my case i'm the one not pursuing bad vibs or having strange scenes at home, have been a total and unconditional "mom" 7/11 ;) thank u and i do hope that u on your side find peace :)

Christal - posted on 02/05/2010

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I married in to the portuguese name. My husband is part portugal. We are going though almost the same thing. See I am wife number 2, he has 4 girls from the 1st wife and we have a son. The older to girls live like there mother but the 11 year old throws a fit when its time to go back to her moms, the only thing she will tell us is that mom and her boyfriend or mean to her but want say how or what the do so we are fighting to get a lawyer and win custody of her and the 8 year old. It could not be dad at all it could be the new wife or the other kids or it could just very well be the way they treat her but she dose have the signs. I wish you the best and I will pray for you and your daughter.

Marta - posted on 02/05/2010

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Hi Christal Freitas, u do have a portuguese name!! I do think about that and i am really hopping that it ain't the case. It can be some kind of abuse yes, even if not physical. There is a lot of people on her dad side that could perceive such animosity. i'm the second wife, there are 2 kids from the first, and now the dad has 3rd wife with 2 of her own, and recently a ne one joined the family. so if it is abuse physical or otherwise, very hard for me to know where it came from. it is frightning. Thank you for your advice

Marta - posted on 02/05/2010

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Hi Arati, yes it is a troubled situation. generally my daughter is very calm, sweet, observing and somewhat a bit too developed for her age. she wont normally hurt herself, it was clearly a "stop, this is hurting me situation". nevertheless here i am talking to u. i have thought about getting help, for her and myself. but have been hoping that good terms would come her way. she won't be going. have spoken to school also to see if she opens up a little bit. i am sure that it has to do with me, her mom. she may have heard something. she is in fact too youmg to manage all these feelings and that is where i'm truying to help. but feeling that 'im not getting there!! unfortunately and ultimately she is suffering quite a lot.

Christal - posted on 02/05/2010

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Hey Marta, I know a lot of children that started acting different after a visit with family and it was because of some kind of abuse. I am not says he did but I would have you checked. That is a sign of abuse. I belong to a group called Stop Child Abuse and they say that that is a sign of some kind of abuse. In order to overcome the problem you have to find out what it is.

Arati - posted on 02/05/2010

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Oh Dear! ,. I can well imagine your worry.Maybe Dad can be told that she is not ready to come there yet, and when she is , you can send her. I think first and foremost, you have to get her confidence back. and that means, dont insist on her visiting dad right now. Is it possible for her to meet him in your presence? She is still young, give her some time. I am sure, things will improve with time. Maybe she will even tell you what exactly happened . If she still does self harm, then maybe a specialist can help?

Marta - posted on 02/05/2010

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Hi Arati, than u so much for your feedback. Yes I have tried varioous aproaches, with toy, in the bath. From the dad side no luck, to him all went well. the fact is there she strated pooping in her panties, strted using the dummy and wets her bed everyday eversince. this was last august. recently her dad had annother child and wants her to go there, towards this pressure she actually bit her finger very hard. unfortunately father figure is in a serious low for my child. of course she will not go, but i feel she needs to overcome this somehow as she will be going to her dad many times!!

Arati - posted on 02/05/2010

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Hey Marta, have you tried finding out, what happened from her dad? .Is there anybody else she is close to you, like grandma or a friend . Something probably has happened, and she is either too scared or confused to tell you. If she doesnt tell you directly, then maybe enacting with hre fav toy might help in getting her to tell . How is she with other men in your life? Has her behaviour changed towards them after the trip? Give her some time and I would say, dont insist on her doing anything right now.

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