need help with a friendship in trouble!

Barbie - posted on 04/03/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD AND A 1 YEAR OLD. MY 3 YEAR OLD HAS A BEST BEYOND BESTEST FRIEND. HE LOVES THIS FRIEND LIKE A BROTHER. THEY GREW UP TOGETHER FROM BABIES. BUT NOW THAT HIS FRIEND IS GETTING OLDER IM FACED WITH A TOUGH DECISION AS A MOM. HIS FRIEND IS HITTING AND TELLING MY SON THAT HE DONT LIKE HIM (MAKING MY SON CRY) NOT TO MENTION THE FRIEND THROW SEVERAL TEMPER TANTRAMS DAILY. NOT ONLY AM I AFRAID THAT MY1 YEAR OLD WILL PICK UP THE TANTRUMS BUT I HATE TO SEE MY SON SO UPSET AT HIS FRIEND. NOW I HAVE TALKED TO THE MOM AND SHE SAYS SHE DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. BUT WHEN IM AROUND THEM I FEEL AS THOU I NEED TO PARENT MY KIDS AND HERS AND I DONT THINK THATS FAIR TO ME. SHE DONT SEEM TO MIND ME PARENTING HER SON. I GUESS I JUST WISH SHE HAD MORE CONTROL OVER HER SON. I LOVE THEM BOTH AND WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT THIS WITHOUT HURT FEELINGS. DO I CONTINUE TO KEEP MY KIDS AWAY (HURTING BOTH BOYS) OR WHAT? I DONT WANT MY KIDS ACTING LIKE THAT.

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I am having the same problem with one of my friends. Her 2 kids are out of control and she lacks discipline skills! I am always parenting her children as well as mine and it gets tiring but I put up with it because I don't want to lose the friendship. I have talked with her and try to give her advice and provide suggestions for handling her children's behavior. I suggest time outs or losing a toy when her daughter starts getting rough with my son and a few times have cut playdates short because of the behavior. I guess I am lucky that our relationship allows me to talk to her without her getting upset and taking offense. Gradually things are getting better because she realizes what behaviors I will not tolerate from her children and she tries to intervene more to prevent the hitting, rough play,etc... We also end our playdates with special treats for the children (like a special sticker or ice cream) and in order to earn the treat everyone has to play nicely which means no rough housing, hitting, or tantrums. Her daughter is the one that usually has to sit there and cry while the rest of us have our treat, but she has to learn and slowly she is. We remind her, " No treat if you start hitting" and she stops now. When the tantrums happen maybe that's when the playdates need to get cut short. Or perhaps you can take your children to another room until the friend's child calms down. Your one year old needs to see that you aren't tolerating the tantrums as acceptable behavior. Hopefully your son's friend will outgrow the behavior. Good luck.

Helen - posted on 04/03/2009

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hi , i had the same problem my eldest daughter grew up with my firends eldest son there is only 6 months between them and they used to love playing together, now they are both 6 they play together again, but they went through a stage of not wanting to be around each other we found it better to keep our distance for a couple of weeks then see them again this seemed to work, i think the problem can sometimes be they tend to start treating each other like siblings which is not healthy if they aren't as they begin to fight, i would suggest just taking a break for a couple of weeks getting your 3 yr old out with other kids that he is happy with otherwise this little boy will really start to knock your little boys confidence, my youngest was getting pushed about and picked on at playgroup (very young to be bullied but he was) and he went so withdrawn i think you just need to think about your little one and how its making him feel and affecting him, let them have a break and go from there. hope this helps a little it is so hard Helen xx

Tasha - posted on 04/03/2009

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My neice sometimes has "behaviors" that her mom accepts or doesn't know what to do with and we dont' allow from our children. We usually just say that we talk nicely to each other in our house, and we don't hit in our house... Then hopefuly the boy will see that those aren't happy things to do and may change (around you anyway). This also reinforces your rules to your children so they know that it isn't acceptable to behave that way. I hope this helps.

Tasha - posted on 04/03/2009

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My neice sometimes has "behaviors" that her mom accepts or doesn't know what to do with and we dont' allow from our children. We usually just say that we talk nicely to each other in our house, and we don't hit in our house... Then hopefuly the boy will see that those aren't happy things to do and may change (around you anyway). This also reinforces your rules to your children so they know that it isn't acceptable to behave that way. I hope this helps.

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