terrible two's help please

LaLeisha - posted on 03/03/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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my son will be two tomorow but he's been so out of control lately i dont know what to do. he hits me bites me kickes me, today he walked up to my younger sister and and hit her i told him no and moved him away from her and he didnt like that so he ran back over to her and grabbed a handfull of hair and pulled I dont know how i should discipline him i dont want to smack him on the hand because then he would think hitting was ok and everytime i try time out he just screams and trys to get out of it please help me

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Dawnielle - posted on 03/04/2010

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i know what that is like.
there are times when time outs work - like when they do something naughty or don't listen, but the rule in our house is if you hit then you are really in trouble.

we don't spank or slap because like you said it just shows that hitting is okay, but forcefully (not harshly) removing him from the situation, shutting a door, or putting him in his crib or play pen to cool off and ignoring him will help show that his behavior is unacceptable. turn your back on him when he is in the corner, if that is what you choose and be consistant...bring him back to the corner when he gets out over and over again, and then when he is calm get down on eye level and tell him what happened was naughty, that you still love him, and make him apologize.

it will be tough at first but my daughter now goes to the corner if i tell her to, and has stopped hitting cause she was looking for the reaction and when we didn't give it to her, she gave up.

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Deepti - posted on 02/17/2011

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hi, this is nice that u dont want to hit back back but want to know more appropriate solutions. i would say that please change his mind when he seems to be in a bad mood, indulge him in some conversation or story so that he forgets and stops being violent. u may also visit this site which has answers to all such child related problems:
http://perspectiveofdeepti.blogspot.com/

LaLeisha - posted on 03/12/2010

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ive tried the time out thing but he just keeps fighting it i dont think he understands time out

Corina - posted on 03/06/2010

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When you put him in time out just ignore the screaming and try not to react. If he gets up just put him back and say "you can get up when you calm down" or whatever to this effect. It seems like a pain but it's the broken down record effect. You need to drain him don't let him drain you. Once he has calmed down wait no longer than a minute the first time (you do this successfully) and then have a chat about what happened (Get down to his level, establish eye contact etc.) If he does this again repeat the process over and over each time.(keep in mind if you let him off the hook, each time you do this it will be harder for this to work again). Be patient and calm at all times. I Hope this works for you , let me know how you go. All the best!

Geralyn - posted on 03/05/2010

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Sometimes moms get ridiculed on here for "ignoring" bad behavior. What Marcy is talking about below, is really planned ignoring for attention-seeking behaviors,,,, Its not a lack of parenting... I just think that that needs to be said.



Its behavioral. IF the reinforcement from negative attention-seeking behaviors is attention, then the child is learning that he gets attention from tantrumming, banging things, etc... Even if it is negative attention.... SO the approrpaite response, as Marcy was saying, is to remove the attention, then the attention-seeking behavior has no reward or is not being reinforced....



Oh, and LaLeisha, what you might try to do is have him approach and hug your sister, encouraging hugs or kisses, and then praise highly the affection. Reward or praise the postive behavior. "Great hugs, little buddy!" "When you hugged Auntie, you showed her how much you love her!" "Auties loves your hugs!" Etc. Or when he approaches you frustrated, but he did not hit or kick, praise him. "You are frustrated, but thank you for letting me know with your wordsand letting me help...." Etc. Highly praise his good moments, even if in the terrible two's it seems like there are fewer and fewer moments of good.



If he is sitting playing nicely with his toys, praise him! If he is walking down the side walk and holding your hand, not trying to pull away, "Thank you for staying with mommy..."Thank you for holding my hand." Then the kind words of praise become the reinforcer or the reward, and so in those times when he is trying to get away, there is an absence of positive feedback - and that becomes the consequence for negative behavior....



I rattled on way too much.... there are books out there on more positive parenting, and it seems from your comment about not wanting to hit, you are wanting a more positive, but firm approach....

Geralyn - posted on 03/05/2010

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Planned ignoring usually works for attnetion-seeking behaviors, like one of the moms said, ignore tantrumming as long as he is not hurting himself. [Headbanging, I do not ignore, because the toddler could really hurt himself....] But with aggressive behaviors, my son will hit sometimes because he is tired and frustrated. I will put him down out of my arms at my feet. If we were sitting on the floor, I stand up and move away out of his reach. Either of these usually upsets him, because he does not want me to put him down or step away. This is consequence enough for my son. This is usually enough that he will want to be picked up and he is learning that if I pick him up, he can't hit. After I put him down, then pick him up, he never resorts to the behavior again. [If he did, I would repeat.] Then we talk about his frustration. I say something like I know you are frustrated (whether its because he can't communicate what he needs/wants or he can't do something), but you cannot hit.... That hurts mommy. He rarely hits out of frustration now - he's 23 months.



He does however hit sometimes when playing with me... he thwapped me on the head with a toy yesterday. That's a bit different than acting out of frustration although I do a similar thing where I put him down or step away. He didn't want our playing to stop, so again that is the consequence that he does not get to play or be in mommy's arms for a few minutes.... And then I talk to him...



To me its about keeping everyone safe... and then communication!!!! Good luck! This phase will pass, as all other phases have.... Just consistency and gentleness while shaping appropriate behavior, that's what we do....

Karen - posted on 03/05/2010

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You have your hands full. You're right not to spank his hand. Have you tried "hugging" him until he gets himself under control? A firm hug that pins his arms down so he can't hit or pull hair, while looking him directly in the eyes and telling him that behavior is not all right sometimes works. Mostly, though, you just have to out-stubborn him. I have had to sit about 4 feet away from the time out spot, sayinig nothing, but firmly stopping any attempt to escape. After about a minute or maybe 2, I repeat that screaming is not allowed. The hardest part is not letting your irritation and frustration show. You have to be firm and calm even if you're angry on the inside. When the behaviors illicit no response, they usually stop. Good luck and an abundance of patience!

Brittany - posted on 03/04/2010

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He's looking for attention and he's figured out that doing that is getting it. Ignore his tantrums he's not going to die from crying and spank his little toosh. My son never got to that point but he started getting mean and lashing out so I told him I would spank him and would count to 3 and before i said 3 I would spank him. Not hard but enough for him to know you're boss. He's just lashing out. Also find out what may be bothering him. If he's mad hug him and kiss him. Try to show him love is good.

Dawnielle - posted on 03/04/2010

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also, when i say be consistant with the time out thing, i mean it. the first time we did this routine with my daughter she got out over and over for about 30 minutes and screamed when we put her back in the corner, but now she understands that we wont let her win.

Aisha Maria - posted on 03/04/2010

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I can totally relate to your situation. My son's birthday is next week and terrible twos are already here! He hits his 2 older cousins. And his 3 month old brother! Sometimes he'll pull my hair if I pick him up. I've smacked his hand a couple times and he's laughed in my face! So that idea quickly went out the window. As for time out, he always gets out of his "naughty spot". I keep putting him back but ultimately that doesn't work either. I am in need as much as you are. Sorry Marcy, ignoring him does not work in my house. If we ignore his hitting or bad behavior this only gives him more reason to misbehave. My sister suggested a "naughty spot" that restricts him, such as a high-chair or pack'n'play. We'll see if this works.

Marcy - posted on 03/03/2010

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Try ignoring him. After a little while of you not paying attention to him...literally go in another room or just sit there and read a book or stand up if he is trying to hit you. Read a magazine, book, whatever but avoid eye contact. Tell him one time "You are not being nice and I will not play with you. When you are ready to behave, let me know".

Be prepared, the first time I did this with my son he laid down on the sidewalk outside of a shopping plaza and sulked for 45 minutes. He was just over 2 years old. He is now 3 1/2. I still do the same thing but the sulking lasts for all of 5 minute now. When he is ready you can then explain to him what he did.

I think trying to make a kid understand and learn a lesson when they are obviously not in the right frame of mind is not worth all the effort.

Whatever you do, avoid smacking his hand, it won't teach him a thing.

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