How can I get my husband to open his eyes?

Stacy - posted on 03/15/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )




I have a 1 yr old son, Im a stay at home mom, and my husband works fulltime. I think I gave myself a death sentence, I told him if he works fulltime I will take care of the house and do all the arrands and chores while taking care of my son. I know he works fulltime..but he is soooo extremely "tired" he cannot come home and play with our son, have a conversation with me, or anything but play on the computer, eat and lay around complaining hes too tired. He has been like this since my son was born, I literally had no help from him starting the first week, its been really hard. IDK what to do. I have been having issues being depressed since my son was born, I quit my job to take care of my son, and I love it I really do, Its alot of work though and I do get stressed out. I hold my emotions in, I dont want my family to know how I feel or let my son see me upset. If I try to talk to my husband about anything Im feeling toward him or anything that hes a part of, he goes off! He makes me feel soo guilty that I make him out to be so bad, Ive quit trying to tell him anything. He is truly the only person I used to talk to and now I cant even do that. I feel stuck like Im doing the same routine everyday, no help, just being alone taking care of my precious child. My marriage is like non existent. Someone help me with some advice to turn my life around


Eron - posted on 04/01/2012




I really feel for you, it really sounds like your trying and your putting everyones needs above your own - as a mum you have to do this - but not as a wife. I know that was a very blunt way of saying it but your right, you and your husband should be a team, he needs to do his fair share.

I know you told him you would take care of the house etc as he works to support his family... but does he know what childcare for a 1 year old would cost...just for the hours he's at work? what about if he also had to pay for childcare for when he's tired or on the computer or just relaxing after work? What would it cost for someone to come and clean his home, do his washing and cook? because none of that comes with the price of childcare. If you were working full time aswell as him, what if you came home tired? who looks after your son then? because he thinks if you work and you come home tired then you can just look after yourself right? What if you worked nights and he worked days? who would do housework, because you would both be taking turns at looking after your son and you would both be tired!

He doesnt deserve a medal for going to work and paying the bills - he's a husband and father and that is what he's supposed to do! If you werent together he would still have to work and look after his own house and spend time with his child aswell as paying for his child - because he's a dad. The only difference is that you wouldnt have to do a single thing for him (im not saying leave him, just that you deserve more than he's giving right now)

keep trying to talk, but instead of telling him what he isnt doing right, tell him all the good things he does, the things you miss about being a couple before you were parents, and the things that you need help with. If he doesnt start trying to work with you then stop doing things for him, if he has to come home from work tired and has to wash his own clothes and make his own food and he cant sit chilling because you havent tidied up then he will start to see what you used to do and how hard you worked. If he walks in and you leave him to look after his son while you visit a friend then he will learn that its actually hard work to be tired and still put looking after someone else first.

Things will get easier as your son gets older, but the truth is your letting your husband treat you this way and i really think that you will resent him if it carries on. Your clearly a good mum, draw a line under how things have been and start working towards how you want things to be instead of just getting on with things and putting up with it.

I know its not easy, i have 4 children, im just about to finish my second year of college and my youngest doesnt start full time school till september. I love being a mum and i am so proud of everything i do for my children, but im also a person. Maybe your not ready to work or anything like that while your child is so young, but if you had something for yourself - an evening class, some charity work etc it would give you some time for yourself, it would give your husband chance to take some responsibility in the home (hubbys may not do things our way but that doesnt mean its wrong - just annoying! lol) and would give you something to talk about that has nothing to do with the house, responsibilities and all the boring things that drive us all mad!

good luck hope things are going well x

Brittney - posted on 03/16/2012




I dealt with him not helping for 6 months after our daughter was born, then I got sick and tired of it. I told him if he wanted the house to be spotless, he had to help on occasion. It worked, he starts picking things up when I start to clean and have Ruby help. He usually stops at one room but at least he's helping. As for whats next...I'm not sure, counseling maybe?

Louise - posted on 03/16/2012




Brittney is right, join the mums and tots groups in your area. What you are feeling is normal. You just need to think sod the dusting I am off out! Go and let your hair down, make new friends with small children and make a life for yourself out of the home. You will find things easier to deal with in your life as a trouble shared.

As for your husband tell him you are feeling overwhelmed and you would appreciate some together time without the computer.

Brittney - posted on 03/15/2012




I am the same way, what you need to do is get out with your friends (even if its for a play date) and let everything out, or you could blog about it. My husband gets mad at me if the house isn't perfect, like I can even do that with a little tornado running everywhere. Sometimes I would much rather take a nap than clean the house. He doesn't listen to me at all anymore. I set up a day and time with my only friend and we let the babies play and we chat, sometimes we go for a walk and relax a little bit. I found that if I tell my friend about everything, then I feel like somethings been lifted off my shoulders. I have my 17 month old daughter help me clean, so I can still keep an eye on her and still have the house clean. My husband and I don't talk much anymore, unless it is important (as he calls it) he barely listens and I have to keep repeating myself. Try talking to him in the morning when he is well-rested. Best of luck!


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He's working full time, and so are you. neither of you may see it but you are. You're a Mum, who's on duty 24/7. It is important that you have 'me time' regardless of how that shapes itself. Having me time could be anything from having a long soak in the bath to going out somewhere with a friend and having a coffee together - without any kids.

Talk to him and say that you would really appreciate his help in raising your child. Maybe work up his level of usefulness/being helpful. Could he look after the little one for say 15 minutes while you have a cup of coffee/tea on your own to begin with or something similar. Ask him if he could do some small tasks to begin with (carry the laundry from A to B). Let him know that as a team that you can move forward and appreciate each other's company again and also that he can bond with his son.

Let your husband know how you feel, that you feel ignored and undervalued as a wife (and mum of his child). Also let him know that you would like more interaction between yourselves and also between him and your son.

You do need to talk to someone and let your emotions out. It'll help you feel better. Also exercise and eating well will help you feel better about yourself and less depressed. Exercise - can be anything from going out for a walk to going to the gym. I've suffered from depression in the past and found that going out for walks helped me as it got me out of the house, seeing other people and helped with my general well being.

As for moving forward, you've got several choices - carry on as it's now. Work out your problems/issues with or without mediation/counciling. Last option is that you go your separate ways.

Stacy - posted on 03/16/2012




Thank you all. I really do need to get out, we r n a financial situation that I cant really go out as Id like to, I dont really have any friends, but Im need to work on this because Im miserable. I dont want to keep my marriage this way, even int he morning he'll get mad, its awful if he asks me a question and I dont hear him at first, hell think Im ignoring him and slam doors and screech off in the car to work. He's bipolar and really Im tired of dealing with it. I want to be able to talk to him, but things like this I try to avoid it at all costs. I am ready for when my little one can help me too. Thats a good idea, I will do that, thank you. Another question is do wives just deal with husbands not helping or wanting to spend time with the family? I know commmunication is best but if that doesnt work whats the next step?

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