13 and hell on wheels

Kimmie - posted on 05/18/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )




My daughter just recently turned 13, and of course she thinks now that she is 13 she can do Whatever she wants. She is so dissrespectful when you don't let her get her way and if you say NO she just starts screaming at me. Last night she was shoving me, hitting me, kicking me so much so that I had to restrain her. Oh and let's not forget the calling me the B word.

Of course this has happend before but she went to her councelors at school and told them I abuse her not the other way around she told the councelor I grabbed her by her back and then later told Cps that I threw her against the wall.
This time it seemed she was worse than last time what do I do? I can't afford counceling and I feel like I am stuck.


Angie - posted on 05/18/2010




Most counceling places have a sliding scale for fees - mine always have. Also check your employee assistance program and see if they can help. There's also always the school counselor - they can be a huge help!


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Rebecca - posted on 03/13/2011




Have u ever tried useing tough love on her? maybe u need to put a scare in her and have the cops come and help u if she is hitting on you that is abuse no matter if its your daughter she needs help. and yes counsling does have a sliding scale for ppls who cant afford it they go by your income been there before and had to use it and they paid for it . so inquire about it. u arent alone.

Paula - posted on 05/26/2010




Teenagers, god. Between my husband and myself, we have 7 children and had 5 of them in high school all at the same time. The oldest turned 18 and crawled out his bedroom window and ran off with his girlfriend....*really? Could you have just packed a bag, said, {"I'm 18 and out of here"] and gone out the front door instead of being a drama queen? *rolleyes* He is now home from Iraq, after doing two tours out of country and will be out of the army in February. He's a great young man now.....my point? Kids usually all flake out at some point, some in spectacular ways, others in small stupid rebellions. It takes alot of patience and strength to get through it. You need the tough love system of not giving in to her tantrums, and striping her of all privliges while she is living in your house when she does this. NO phone, NO tv, NO video games. Want to go to the mall? NO way. Want to hang out with your friends? NO. Tow the line, stop hurting me when you are angry, and do not EVER call me a bitch. Video EVERY time she throws a fit, give it to the school councelor. That will help counteract the lying about your abusing her. Secondly, I do know how expensive counceling is, but you are really going to have to get her some help. Does your insurance pay for ANY medical evaluations for Bipolar disorder or other conditions? Hormones will do strange things to a child but this sounds more detailed. You rock, Mom. Hang in there.

Kelina - posted on 05/26/2010




Look it seems like she's trying different tactics. I'm not going to say I know it's tough or anything becasue I don't. My son is only one and at the moment pretty well ebhaved(I'm expecting that to go out the window when the new baby is born) She seems to be somewhat listening to what her cousellor is telling her. This might sound crazy but possibly when you have to ground her or take away her things, maybe let her know that if she can't stop being vioolent trying to get them back, you're not just going to take them away you're going to get rid of them. Toss her make up and give away the rest of her stuff. Music, tv, phone ipod, they are all priveleges and she's throwing them away herself if she's acti g like this. Also I'm not sure, I have been reading al the posts and i didn't see it anywhere but do you yell back when she yells at you? Possible a better solution would be to take her yelling calmly. If she knows that she can make you angry and get a reaction from you, that might be part of why she's doing it. This might sound like a bunch of faradiddle but i hope you can make sense of it. Good luck!

Kimmie - posted on 05/25/2010




I will look into the books that were recommended at the moment the books are the least of my worries.

On Monday she pushed me around again because I wouldn't let her take her Ipod to school and she refused to leave it and said she was leaving. I stood in her way so she pushed me.
She pushed me a few times outside and I ended up hitting my arm on the stucko needless to say my arm was bleeding and is now swollen.

I do talk to her counselor a lot from school and I know that she does at well. My daughter thinks or at least she told her counselor that I am mean and making stupid rules because she wants to live with her dad. Which is the usual when she is mad at me or him for that matter.

In anycase she is playing the victim and feels that if I spank her or even defend myself it is child abuse. But that she can do what she wants.

I ended up reporting her to the police which really kills me to do. The officer that came out was real nice and is coming to talk to her tomorrow. But if she admits to pushing me they are going to arrest her. The most they will hold her is a few hours before I have to come pick her up.

She doesn't know that he is coming ever since Mon night her and I haven't really spoken. I grounded her to her room and took her make up, t.v jewlery, ipod cell phone money and told her she could earn it all back. Needless to say she got pissed she didn't push me or hit me her counselor explained to her that what she is doing is domestic violence and she could get in major trouble. So instead she called me a bitch and ran away.

I called the police but they never showed up almost 4 hours after she had gone they called me while my fiancee and my daughter showed up. Apparently he found her walking down the street. She was also mad I was texting all her friends that if she was with them they needed to send her home the police were looking for her. But really what else was I to do?

I don't want her to go to jail but I do want her to have the shit scared out of her maybe set her straight. I am crossing my fingers something get's worked out I know they really crack down on Domestic violence in Az. but if that is what it takes for her to act right then so be it.

Linda - posted on 05/20/2010




I'm sure you are feeling like you have 10 strikes against you at this point. Your situation is unfortunate and your daughter's anger is understandable. One thing that may work is actually accepting her anger, she has a right to her anger. She does NOT have a right to express it in ways that hurt herself or others. However, she probablly does NOT know how to express her anger appropriately, especially if raised in the disfunction of addiction. Add to all the family difficulties the fact that at 13 she is experiencing hormone rushes that would stagger a horse, and whoopee. (She needs to understand the effect this has on her body and emotions) Maybe acknowlege her anger (and your own as well) and try asking her to help you find constructive and appropriate ways both of you can express your anger. Perhaps art, stereo screaming, (in an appropriate location) loud music and dance, bike riding, jumping up and down, whatever works for each of you. Anger is a strong emotion that has a physical effect on our bodies, we do better if we can find a physical way to "get it off" other than the uncontrolled explosion way. As humans we are subject to 4 emotions, Mad, Sad, Glad, and Scared; each with multiple permutations. We need to learn to deal with each of them in constructive and appropriate ways. Unfortunately Mad is the one most of us have not learned how to express constructively. After working for over 20 years with families and adolescents "at risk" I found that most kids enter the system as "victims" and end up as behavior problems, many times because they have not been taught how to deal with their angers and fears or no one has listened to them. No doubt you yourself have unresolved anger, sadness, and fear. Given only the "get it off by explosion" option, together you two will certainly burn each other. Working together to resolve your feelings could turn you into a team. You might even ask her what she thinks is the appropriate punishment when she transgresses, sometimes the kids will come up with worse than you would. Empower her and yourself as well. Joyce's suggestion of the "How to talk to teenagers..." is excellent, another good one is "Common Sense Parenting". Best to you both.

Dorothea - posted on 05/20/2010




I'm sorry your havng such a hard time. I was the out of controll 13 yr.old, although I wasn't as bad as this. I was angry at the world and didn't have enough sense to keep my mouth shut. Do you attend a church? I found that the pastor was very helpful for me to talk with, while I was rebelling. My parents where looking into military school for me. I don't have any advice, but wish you the best.
Btw. I did grow out of it, but I was 20 :( Good luck!

Kimmie - posted on 05/19/2010




Thank you for the advice so far I have got some info from the school counselor.

At the moment I have had to do the whole tough love with her she didn't feel it was fair that she got grounded for trying to kick my butt HA!

And although her dad is a big screw up he is trying to get his life together and we have talked and we both agree on how to deal with this.
She now wants to go live with him and although I know that isn't the way to go just because of the back and forth back and forth she doesn't relies that it won't work. And that we need to nip it in the bud now!
Oh joy another talk at least her dad as unreliable he can be we are on the same page here.

I know she is hormonal with the end of school blues as well as all the drama in the past year with her dad and alcoholism is tough on her but I need to be more her mom than her friend as well as if I need assistance from the police when and if she get's violent with me again.

I wish there was a hand book for parenting.

It's more like birth control my fiancee and I were thinking on having a kid of our own until of course she turned 12 and all hell broke loose. Now if we want to hear the pitter patter of little feet we will just put shoes on our dogs. LOL!

JuLeah - posted on 05/18/2010




Get yourself some support. Document and even video her temper. I had that work once. The kids was embarressed to see themselves acting like such a fool.
Help her to understand what will happen if she makes claims and the state takes her from you.
Good luck and I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Joyce - posted on 05/18/2010




Try a book called" how to talk so teenagers will listen and how to listen so teenagers will talk"

Kimmie - posted on 05/18/2010




I did try the sliding scale counceling but they wanted $75 a cession. I have also tried taking her stuff away and making her earn it back she tried kicking in my bedroom door that was the morning Cps came and I videoed it on my phone.

She just recently got insurance through her dad's work but they don't cover mental help. And I don't have insurance for myself.

I know a lot has to do with issues with her dad he is a alcoholic and recently had to get supervised visits. We aren't divorced yet although we have been seperated 12 years.

I let the school councelor know on what happened last night she hasn't gotten back to me but at least she knows just in case my daughter tried to say I abused her again plus I have my bruises to show for how she behaves.

She wants to take a wrestling camp for the summer but a ya I don't think so and of course she will be mad at that as well but oh well.
This is how well she listens although I told her she was grounded she was texting me this am. At least she said she was sorry.
The next time she does get violent with me I will call the police because this is rediculous I felt like I was in wwf last night and the older she gets the more she is going to over power me. I feel like I am in a nightmare....

Kathy - posted on 05/18/2010




Contact your local county health department. You should be able to get free or low-cost mental health care for you and your daughter. Also contact your local juvenile court and ask for free programs for out-of-control juveniles. Make a doctor's appointment and have her evaluated. She may be depressed or her hormones may be just out of whack.

Sit your daughter down and explain clearly what the rules are-no violence, curfew, chores. Explain the consequances of not following the rules. No cell phone, no computer, no tv, police-intervention, etc.. You are allowed to restrain an out-of-control child until police arrive. If you have to, don't hesitate. FOLLOW through. Once she loses privelages, make her earn them back. Don't be afraid to be the bigger badder bitch. Do'n't be afraid to restrain her if she is being physically violent. Don't be afraid to bring the police in when she is. Soon she will want a little thing called a drivers license-someting that is a wonderful to adjust attitudes. Best of luck to you. (I was once this child-thanks to my mom being consistant and a hard-ass, I became a nice respectful teen at 16)

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