15 and 14 year old daughters out of control

Heather - posted on 04/07/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




Just had the worst weekend of my life. My 14 and 15 year old daughter got into a fight with me and my husband over the lack of respect they have for us and to top it off my daughter lost her mobile phone and then came home screaming and demanding a new one. As the night progressed she started swearing and threatening my husband and I saying if she didn't get a new one the next day she wouldn't go to school. The younger sister always sticks up for her older sister, even when she has done the wrong thing, and it turns in to me and my husband against both of them. My husband trys hard to reason with them but after hours of screaming and disrespect he begins to lay down the law and they retaliate by screaming obscenities and sometimes hitting as well. The weekend ended badly with my youngest daughter kicking her bedroom door in and breaking it. Now we have to buy a new door and probably get the little witch a new phone as only more violence and screaming will result if we dont. My husband thinks we should just try to manage things by staying calm and just setting up a few basic rules, but I know they will not be even be able to adhere to this as they have no respect, care or remorse for the terrible things they do and my family is falling apart as a result. Can anyone advise me on what I should do? I have thought about intervention, counselling or sending them away some where to get help but my husband says this is costly and probably wont work but nothing here is working and I dont think it will change. I really need some advice, please help. from Heather


Jodi - posted on 04/07/2013




Why are you buying a new door? No door = consequence.
Why are you buying a new phone? No phone = consequence.

It sounds to me like they DO need firm rules and very clear consequences. Just the fact that you are considering replacing these things tells me that you aren't holding your daughters accountable for their actions. If this is how you've been managing it all along, then that would explain why they carry on the way they do.

Liz - posted on 04/07/2013




I wouldn't buy her a new door. She should pay to replace it. Until then, she doesn't deserve privacy in her bedroom.

I CERTAINLY would not provide a phone because that merely reinforces what they have clearly already learned: scream obscenities for long enough and you get what you want. If she wanted a phone badly enough, she shouldn't have lost the first one. She should pay to replace it. If she doesn't have enough money, then she should find a weekend or afternoon job until she can.

Your husband is right. Stay calm. Introduce the rules that, frankly, should have been introduced when these little madams were younger. Enforce them consistently. Remove privileges (phones, TV, computers: if they have any of these in their own rooms, take them out). If they threaten to destroy more stuff that belongs to them, you can merely point out that by doing so they will be losing even more that, again, will not be replaced until they pay for it themselves.

Realistically, you and your husband need to sit down together and work out what your house rules are, write them down and present them to your daughters with a united front. Explain that they've been able to get away with far too much for far too long and now the regime is changing, because they've proven that they're not adult enough to deal with freedom and trust.

Real life has consequences for actions. Your daughters really need to learn this before they become totally out of control.


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