18 months into separation after 25 years of marriage

Lisa - posted on 04/13/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )




Hi, I have read many of your posts. Thank you all for sharing. For me, I am 18 months into a separation after 25 years of marriage. No talk of divorce....yet no talk of reconciliation. In fact we barely talk...although today preparing for a tax appt I got a text. We have two grown children that are doing well in their own lives. He moved out 3 days before our 25th anniversary saying "I can't do this anymore". What?!!!! So he moved out that night, a Friday night 8/1/2014...and to this day I still do not know where he lives. He says he lives in a trailer on a big piece of land (all zen and groovy)...meanwhile paying for me to live in our lovely home that we literally built from the ground up...and paying all of our kids college expenses. Damn I really wish I didn't need his money.

He has always been gentlemanly and kind (on the surface) but not truthful or honest as I've come to find out. The dishonesty and betrayal has been the hardest part for me to come to terms with.

Honestly, I don't have much to complain about on paper. He pays the mortgage AND also gives me a generous monthly allowance. I also work, but don't make near his salary. But I do provide health benefits for all of us. I helped build and manage his construction business for five years.

But getting back, I think it is strange that no one knows WHERE HE LIVES. Literally if there were an emergency, no one knows where to find him. Not our grown children, his side of the family or any of our friends.

I am pretty sure he has a GF, and could possibly be living with her, in a house that he built for her (kind of but not completely unbeknownst to me....because I snooped when he was acting so distant). He a house for her without EVER mentioning a word to me. And I was running his construction business/books. I did find out, and asked him about it and he said "no....just a friend....helping her find subcontractors". LIE.

Our last in person interactions were:
1) When our 13 year old golden retriever was dying, he came over and we spent the day with her before vet came and euthanized sweet girl.
2) Christmas day, coffee and open presents with the kids
2) When our 3 year old basset was seriously ill all night he met me at the vet (last month).

I know I'm boring you. Just so sad to feel this abandoned still. I have tried all of the get in touch with your spiritual side, get fit, take up a new or old hobby, do YOU kind of stuff. And it still hurts. And at this age, am wondering if it is all worth it. He left right at the time of my 50th bday. Hormones gone wild and what not. Menopause combined with being suddenly single is not the best combo!

So tomorrow hoping for a bit more sunshine than today :) best.....L.

Anyway, I hope all of you are having a MUCH better evening than me. It will all get better I hope?


Stephanieriker - posted on 04/14/2016




The question is do you still love him ,ask yourself was it love or a convenient way of life not wanting to change after 25years ,maybe you need a change to even if it hurts


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Raye - posted on 04/14/2016




If you feel he's moving on, then you should probably move on too. I'm sure it would suck to downsize your living conditions because of a divorce, but what's his is also half yours. Don't feel bad about taking what's yours since HE'S the one that walked out. You could also ask for temporary alimony/spousal support, whatever they call it where you live. If awarded, you would still get an "allowance", although it may not be enough to keep you in the lifestyle to which you are accustomed. Change is scary, but it's not worth emotionally holding on to something that's not there just for financial reasons.

Ev - posted on 04/14/2016




I can sort of understand to a point where you come from and I know it is hard to have a man just say he is done and walk out. My kids were 12 and 5 at the time. We separated (not a legal one) and divorced in the same year. He never told me what made him decide he was so done and wanted to get out. He had been really mean for a few months up to the point we split and I had to move out of our home that was on his folks land. I was lost at first but eventually I had to go back to work and get a place and provide for our kids somehow. I had to concentrate on other things. It takes time especially when you have kids in the mix and the visitation and custody come into play. I allowed him to have the kids so we were not in court all the time fighting for custody because it was not fair to them not to have some peace of mind and stability. I hurt even more when I did that. I feared he would turn them against me and all kinds of other things. After about 5 years I had finally come to terms with things. (Yes, 5 years.) It took that long for me to see that it was not the end of the world and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. You will find it too. Just concentrate on the things you need to the most. Kids, work, friends, hobbies, and let life show you what it can offer.

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