5 year old twins disrespecting authority at school

CO Mama Of 3 - posted on 10/09/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )





I'm new to this forum and decided to become a member because I really need unbiased opinions regarding my children's behavior. I have 5 year old twins that started kindergarten this year, and a 7 year old in 2nd grade. They go to a phenomenal school that has been working very closely with us due to the twins' behavior issues; however, they will not tell us what they think could be wrong because of legality issues (so I'm being told at least), so I really need help. The twins are in separate classrooms, but both seemingly have the same struggle.....authority. They have absolutely no respect when they're asked to do something and throw major fits to the point of being written up. School started mid-August and one twin has been written up twice, the other three times. I'm planning to make arrangements to get them to a therapist as soon as possible, but need some idea as to what we're dealing with and what to do about it until we can make that happen. They've also been physically violent to one another, including my seven year old at home. They come from a very loving and happy home. My husband and I rarely argue and NEVER argue in front of them. We've tried time outs, reasoning with them, and yes, as much as I hate to say it, we've resulted to spanking under very extreme and very rare circumstances. We literally don't know what else to try nor do we have any idea what is causing this....we raised our seven year old the exact same way and she's pretty much an angel. Where did we go wrong and what do we do now? I'm begging from the bottom of my heart for some help and new ideas so that we can get back to a point when we can enjoy our time together and I don't spend every second on pins and needles during school hours in fear of that dreaded phone call from the school with another behavior write up and we can stop walking on eggshells around them at home. They've started to control us and I'm slowly becoming unraveled. Can anybody please help?

Thank you!


View replies by

Dove - posted on 10/09/2015




The teachers can not legally diagnose your children w/ any disorders... nor should they try. Their opinion would be just that... their opinion... and could be VERY far off from the truth. You would be using your time much more wisely if you get them in to their regular doctor and ask for a referral to a child psychologist if you are looking for any sort of mental health diagnosis.

CO Mama Of 3 - posted on 10/09/2015




We have withheld certain privileges for poor behavior, but have also rewarded them for good behavior as well. For example, each classroom has a rainbow behavior chart that goes from red (very bad) to purple (exceptionally great) where they use clothespins with their names on them to clip up when they're caught doing something good, or clip down if they're not doing something good, such as not following directions the first time. Every day all the children start the day on green and we've set a goal with and for our girls that if they come home on green, or blue they receive a small treat (typically fun sugarless gum flavors they've all chosen to keep in the car). If they come home on purple, we celebrate by going for ice cream, or smoothies. This seems to work pretty well for one of the twins, but the other doesn't seem to care at all. We've also implemented a new chart that we will start on Tuesday that the teachers will put a little sticker on each day that is fit free. For each three days without a fit, we will do something with each child individually like going for a walk, or reading a special book, etc., but the child will pick the activity they want to do. We've decided with the school counselor that these shouldn't be big all-day activities, but just something quick that's out of the normal routine.....we'll see how that goes next week, but yes, to answer your question we've tried many different reward/punish systems to no avail. And yes, we do see this behavior at home as well; however, I had major back surgery late July and it has definitely worsened since that time. Obviously some of the behavior stems from that change, but I've seen this behavior for the last 8-12 months.

I understand the school not being able to say things for that reason, but we're talking about teachers that have worked 16+ years and I'm sure they've got some idea as to what they're dealing with and their feedback would be really helpful so that I can help my children. I don't even care if I have to sign a release saying that I'm not going to sue them over whatever they're afraid of!

Char - posted on 10/09/2015




Take your children to mental health. There is stigma to the process,but I promise you it is beneficial. It can be the start of diagnosing and teaching you and your partner how to effectively parent and cope. I'm not suggesting you're a bad parent, but if the twins suffer from a condition like ODD you may have to learn to parent differently. All the best.

Jodi - posted on 10/09/2015




Firstly, the school can't say what they think is wrong because they are not therapists. It's not their job to diagnose the problem.

Can I just ask if this kind of behaviour is also happening at home? Also, have you tried removing privileges or rewarding them with things? For example, you could let them know that there will be no TV on school nights, and then reward them with TV time if they have a week free of behaviour problems.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms