Adopted step kids HATE me even after 8 years

Monica - posted on 08/14/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )




8 years ago, I met my husband about a month after his wife died from a long term injury (my first mistake...should have taken things very slow). I was always single mom who raised incredible boys who went on to graduate a private exclusive aviation university with many sons were 18 at the time, leaving for now husband and I got married, I adopted his then 7 and 9 year old son and daughter. Fast forward 8 years, I had taken over all day to day chores, all medical and educational care, discipline, boundary setting, mental health care for kids when needed and my husband let me......(who wouldn't? Parenting is hardworking, you feel like crap every time you have to say no, or not let them have their way) Now the "kids" as he calls them are 15 and 18, can't do much for themselves still, treat and think of me as the vilest of stepmothers, I am demonized a lot. No one, including my husband, will talk in my presence, my family and sons don't like them at all, and these teenage "kids" keep being so needy, love to participate in band and swimming activities and want to be driven everywhere, have some medical and mental health issues that do need constant attention....they are lovely kids with everyone else......I've read the books, I've gotten counseling, I've prayed....I've mistakenly and continually put their medical or mental health needs ahead of my own (I'm disabled from back and neck injuries and need some better medical follow up and some more spinal fusion). I just want to survive without the hurt. the "kids" need the help; their dad, who is a doctor himself, doesn't even know who any of their physicians are, so I am legally the "kids" mom and it is my responsibility, legally, ethically, morally and by the pact I made with God, to be their mother regardless of what is or is not done for them by their father. Regardless of how much they hate me, work together to mock me, etc.... I was a bad a__ business rainmaker before I became disabled for one of my neck injuries... I'm at the point that I've offered them to do stuff with just the three of them because they do have fun, talk laugh and have a good time. My duty really is to my family's happiness, even if it doesn't include family lives 1500 miles away and my sons do not enjoy coming to me because my husband will passive aggressively treat them with disrespect to make me feel bad, he has NO relationship with them and blames my sons for it and they never had a father. I feel like I let them down the most.....they got very hurt in the beginning but thank goodness were away at college most of the time and started working at college during the summers or with amazing internships that every mom would dream her kids would get.... I don't get to see them much, but theY are 26 now, well grounded and on their way in their own lives. I've sort of decided it's time to spend holidays separated as well from my adopted step family so they can enjoy theirs and my sons won't feel uncomfortable either.....again, I have adopted my husband's now teens so they are my I can't just get up and walk out.....and I have nowhere to go either.....HELP, please.....


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Michelle - posted on 08/16/2016




Just because you married him and adopted the children doesn't mean you can't be happy.
Why doesn't their Father discipline? All you have said that they have fun when you're not around.
Your husband plays a big part in your unhappiness, not the children. It sounds like they are feeding off his dislike of your children. Why does he expect you to accept his children but he won't accept yours? Bit of a double standard in my eyes.
I would suggest family counseling and also counseling just for you. You need to make a big decision about YOUR happiness and what YOU want. You are allowed to be selfish and think about you for a change.

Gloria - posted on 08/15/2016




I'm so sorry to hear what's happening. Sounds like there's a lot going on and you're trying to hang in there. I can sense that there's not a lot of support from your husband? Is he aware of what you're going through? Or you're just trying to manage without him because it's "expected" of you? It takes all parties in a relationship to participate and build the relationship. You cannot do everything on your own!! May be it would help to speak with a counselor? I know "Focus On The Family" has a free counseling line (1-855-771-HELP) It might be worth giving them a call? I hope you can find help. You have done so much for your family I would hate to see you giving up after all you've done. Will be praying for you!
Take care!

Sarah - posted on 08/14/2016




While I admire your commitment to the deal you made with the children, their father and God when you married and adopted the kids. You do deserve to be happy. Since you are their mother legally, what sort of consequences get handed down when they are rude or disobedient?

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