Adult children who do not call or keep in touch, but expect me to.

Cheri - posted on 10/30/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )




I have two daughters and feel very hurt that we are not close to each other. My youngest daughter who is 34 does not like the fact that I am moving to be closer to my own mother. My Mom is ill and up in age and I want to spend some time with her while I have her.

This past four months I have only seen my daughter twice when I initiated taking her and my grand daughter out for dinner.

I have very little money and wish my daughter would reciprocate and ask me to dinner. My daughter has a very good paying job and is in a great financial position. I don't like the way my daughter talks to me.


Mama Anne - posted on 11/10/2013




Dear Loving Mom:

There are MANY moms in your same position. Some have girls, others have boys and some have both. It doesn't seem right for a parent to give their LIFE to raising children to be successful and THEN the children treat the parents as if they are "strangers".

It is the "contamination" of society; a society of those who grew up WITHOUT parents, without studying the Bible to LEARN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ABOUT RESPECTING AND OBEYING THE PARENTS. Those are the people who live "wild" and influence the Nicely trained and raised children. Some of them are envious, jealous and just plain "ignorant" of what a family or Love is. Their wildness is the opposite of the "well bred" children and the "well bred" children seem to gravitate to see what the other lifestyle is like.

IN THE MEANTIME, moms and dads, who love their children HURT, STRESS, AND WORRY about their children. The only answer is :PRAY THAT THEIR EYES ARE OPENED AND THEY WILL RETURN BACK TO THE WAY THEY WERE RAISED.

Rachel - posted on 10/30/2012




Have you expressed this to your daughter? And if yes, have you expressed it from the "I" standpoint instead of the "When YOU do this..."? Sometimes we expect someone to know how we feel - we are different people with different experiences with different thought processes. It may never have crossed her mind you wanted her to ask you out.

When I was stationed in Korea for a year, my parents and I talked maybe five times in that year. I came back and held my tongue, not wanting to tell them how much it hurt that they didn't call. One day my mother said this to my grandmother: "Yeah, well, don't expect Rachel to call - she moves halfway across the globe and decides she is too grown up to stay in contact with her family." She laughed, as if it was funny, and I just blew up. I told her I had tried to be considerate of the time difference, their jobs, etc. They didn't have a message box set up - I did. If I wasn't available to chat they could have just left a message (my phone was Skype - it ran through the internet and was only in my room). I told her it was so wrong of them to treat me that way. I had taken up arms for my country, been sent to a tiny crap hole town in Buttcrack Nowhere, Korea, I had to lock myself in my room when I wasn't working because everyone in the barracks was so ridiculously insane, and the thanks I got for doing it for THEM was to be forgotten. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday - every holiday alone. By the end my mother (and grandmother) looked like I had slapped her. The shock was obvious. She said, "I just thought you didn't want to talk, so I never called."

The point: I never told my mother (or family) I desperately wanted them to call. My mother never told me that it hurt her I didn't call. So because we didn't communicate, we suffered over it for a year.

If you've spoken to your daughter about it, try a different approach. You can only control your actions. You might be the one who has to make the effort every time.


View replies by

Kristen - posted on 11/23/2014




Hi understand your pain. It goes deep. What I've come to realize I'd that Acceptance is the answer. The moment we accept our adult child has a mental illness can we then begun to see that nomatter what we can't change or control them.. We have to change how we react to them. Sometimes by not reacting is the best way to go.

Claudia - posted on 10/31/2012




I'm glad I read this because I needed this reminder that my mother has wants and needs, too. We see our moms as just being there for us, and fail to reciprocate because we're still in the mentality that it's just expected for them to come to us and take care of us. I'm guilty of this for sure. I would just talk to her because she's probably clueless and in her own little world. I'm sure it isn't intentional. She probably just hates the thought of not having you close, for the same reason you want to be close to your mom. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to express these things to her. She'll be glad you did.

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