adult daughters who are self centered and mean to mom.

Debra - posted on 06/11/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )




anyone else have daughters who are spoiled and mean and over 21 ? I have 2 daughters, 37 and 30 yrs old. They are both "all about them". They wont help me, or even attempt to care. They owe me money or want me to do for them. I have given them everything and they are ungrateful, mean. I no longer do it for them. Im 55yrs old and not well. I need thier help. Why wont they love me ? i was a good mom who sacrificed my life for them. anyone else in my situation ?


Julie - posted on 08/19/2012




I have two daughters who are lovely human beings to everyone outside of the home and even with their father but not with me. I probably have spoiled them if you mean try to give them the things you never had (a good education, a nice home, loads of love and affection).

But what I don't understand is whenever anything goes wrong in their lives they seem to target and blame me and be angry with me, even for such things as relationship breakups. After one altercation with my oldest daughter who put me through hell for six months I decided I had to detach myself from them both as I cant change the way they think and I cant change the way they behave (they are adults) the only person I can change is myself.

I do live my life to the full and I also don't allow their words to hurt me anymore. One minute they are cuddling me the next minute they are telling me they hate me and both at different times and both at different levels.

One thing I don't understand is that when I was a young person I didnt really have a lot to do with my Mother she was working and had three other children to look after plus foster children. But if I had spoken to my Mother with disrespect my sister and my siblings would have chastised me for speaking to my Mother like that but my daughters just see it as normal.

So I do think it is my fault that I dont throw them out or tell them off. But I don't want a home that constantly has people shouting and bauling at each other so I just let them rant and rave and just say very little. One of them will be going off to Uni in September and the other is currently job hunting. I do hope that one day they will reflect on their behaviour towards me and say I am sorry for the way I used to go on.

But if anyone else out there has this I truly believe they dont mean what they say and you do have to simply shut them out because if I hadnt I would be on antidepressants and needing counselling.

I suppose you just need to ride the storm and be there for them when they need you and I also agree it is hard to like them when they behave so badly. The other thing I would say is every other Mother I speak to is going through the same things and so it seems to be more normal for this behaviour then the other. I know that I have a friend who is goes out all of the time, doesnt pay much attention to her kids and just lets them get on with it and they are both lovely kids in fact the daughter cleans the house and does the shopping because her Mother doesnt care so what do you make of that?

JuLeah - posted on 06/11/2011




Don't give them money. Don't come to their aid if they ask for help. Live your life and be happy. Don't do for them; don't ever do for anyone what they can do for themselves.

Sacrificing your life for someone is NOT love. If you feel they owe you for that, your are so very very mistaken. That was a choice you made and it put them in a bad spot. It didn't help them and it never once sent the mesaage that you loved them or believed in them.

Live your life, be happy, and set a good example.

This is not about them loving you or not loving you.

If you feel they are mean, don't spend time with them. Hang out with people that treat you with the respect you feel you deserve.

Maybe they don't see their actions as mean, and 'ungrateful'??? They don't owe you.

My mother is a victim, a martyr, a manipulator, and I can't stand to be in the phone with her, much less in the same room. But, if you were to ask she would tell you that she sacrificed everything for me, gave up her life for me, gave me everything ....

My sister and I have gone out of our way again and again to help, find her a job, land her a job, bring her food, take her shopping, take her to medical appointments ..... she refuses our help, then bitches we don't care ....

If you were to ask her, she would tell you she is done nothing wrong, she is the victim, we are ungrateful and mean .... maybe you come off to your daughters as my mother come across to us.

All I want from my mother is that she live her life and be happy. All she wants is to be a martyr.

BeingAMom - posted on 09/27/2011




Yes, Debra I feel for you. I'm sorry some of the replies here are judging you for having said "sacrificing" and are interpreting it to mean you did something wrong. For heavens sake we are MOMS. If you are a good mom you are going to have to sacrifice SOMETHING. Your time, your freedom, your you-name-it. It goes with the territory. If you don't think so you are not getting what being a mom is about. However I know some moms go too far and spoil kids by giving in and not having boundaries. But I will not judge you on what you meant by sacrifice. I have 3 daughters, 2 adult and a teen. I do not believe I spoiled them. I do know not all children have the same temperament. There is such a thing as a strong willed child. Also children are not just our children, they are individuals with the potential to choose good or bad. It is a choice to mistreat a parent or to respect and love a parent. Your kids, like mine, have made bad choices.
However, I like Juleah's advice to live your life and be happy. Avoid them and make boundaries that say "You are not allowed to share a relationship with me if you are going to hurt me." Don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I pray for them . I also will love and not give up.

UPDATE 5/30/2014:
I am happy to report, in my situation, much has changed for the better. Time and answered prayer brought understanding between us and some maturity for my teen who is 18 now helped a LOT. I think if we are patient through the bad times, like the old saying goes, "this too shall pass". Not everything is perfect but definitely better. I hope things have gotten better for all the other moms who were in anguish over their kids that posted here.

Tamara - posted on 09/27/2012




My first born child a girl now 29. She and I did okay when she was younger, because she didn't know any better. She and I have two different personality. I love my daughter and she loves me yet she doesn't like me and at times I don't like her. "females" anyway two years ago I was diagnosed with two stage 3 cancers and since then she has been a real bitch. I like to think she's scared now she losing her mom. the women who was once her play mate, the sister she never had, the problem solver, and the check book. My daughter was given all that I could afford to give her and allow to do much of what she wanted, and why this because back in my childhood days my dad was controlling and much of my life was spent like a small adults.Yet, I didn't like my dad then much, yet I've always loved both my parent and give them, still today respect. He still hard to get along with. I didn't have childhood friends and being a child then sucked. I suppose trying to raise my daughter different then I was raised didn't chance anything. We are mother and daughter and sometimes in this world that doesn't change the fact women are moody B****s.

Tamara - posted on 09/27/2012




Yes I've heard if your nasty to others you get treat with respect yet be nice and you get dumped on.

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Katherine - posted on 06/12/2011




JuLeah pretty much summed it ALL up.

Cut ties if it's that bad. You can't control them anymore, they are grown adults.
It seems that you are still treating them as children and that is a big turn off.
If you want a relationship with them just be their mom.

[deleted account]

Ditto JuLeah and I have to add that if you sacrificed your life for them and gave them everything.... of course it's all about them. You probably taught them that.

I'm sorry if that's a bit harsh and I'm sorry you are not well and need help. I hope you can find the help you need from someone.

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