Am I being selfish? I don't want marriage or anymore kids.

User - posted on 01/30/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )




Here it is...

I am a 32 yr old, divored mother of a 9 yr old girl. I am about to open a salon, and have some bookings in major cities to do shoots. I feel that I never want to marry again (seriously ew), nor have any more kids. I mean, the thought of those things truly makes me cringe. I even look at 'soccer mom' types and get this deep sense of pity for her.

But now, I don't even want any relationship. I don't want sex, I don't want dating, and I even go to gay bars because I feel I can go out and not get hit on. I don't look at men, and can't imagine finding happiness with one. I get bored too easy.

I want to travel, daughter in tow because these events miraculously fall on days she doesn't have school and she loves the shoots...and be carefree.

My primary focus is my daughter. I spend a lot of time with her, and even maintain a good friendship with her father, so she doesn't deal with any family drama or anything...I spend so much time with her, she never has any desire to use computer or video my fast lifestyle isn't interfering in that at all.

I do, pay the bills, care for aging parents, care for my child and still make time to keep my looks up and trendy, fortunately without any help from a man. But I have beome SO self-sufficient that I kinda pleasantly see myself as an old spinster one choice.

Is this wrong? Should I want the whole family thing, or is it okay to want to be totally independant and single forever?

Are there any more of you out there?



Sarah - posted on 01/30/2012




I don't think there's anything wrong in wanting what you want. What bothered me though was your point about "soccer moms." I think if you don't want to be judged for doing what makes you happy, don't judge others for what makes them happy. Different people want different things, and I think that most SAHMs probably feel very fulfilled and happy with their choices. I don't think it's fair to "pity" someone when their following their heart just because it's not the right decision for you doesn't mean it isn't for them.

Jennifer - posted on 01/31/2012




Lol, don't pity me! I'm a mom to 6 kids and have a fabulous husband. May sound funny to you, but we are blissfully happy.

As far as you being selfish- I don't think staying single is selfish, I think it is right for you. If you got married without your heart being in it- that is selfish!! I was raised by a mom who didn't want kids, a husband or any kind of family. I love my mom, but she was a selfish b*tch!! She wanted everything to appear perfect, but she was miserable and made us all miserable! She finally divorced, moved away from her kids and grandkids, and spends her time alone, reading. She's finally happy, and we all finally get along. Don't put your daughter through all that!! My aunt was just like my mom, but realized it when her daughter was young, and did what she wanted! My cousin remembers a wonderful childhood where she was queen and spoiled.

I would warn you against saying things against families, and how 'horrible' you think they are. That may be what your daughter wants later! You sound like you just want choices, so make sure your daughter knows you will support her choices, and you'll both be happy!!

Johnny - posted on 01/30/2012




You should want what feels right for you. As long as your daughter's best interests are being attended to, which it sounds as if they are, then why would you do anything else? Plenty of people live happy lives as single people for all their years.

Although I must be honest, I don't get the feeling that you are really doubting your decision. I suspect you are hoping to engender some sort of jealousy amongst those stay at home mothers you apparently pity. A pity I might add that you should likely reserve for people who are actually miserable rather than people who may be perfectly happy doing things that you aren't interested in. That is sort of like me pitying people who run marathons or knit, because I have no interest in either and can't imagine them to be at all enjoyable. Yet people gladly get up early to get in that extra mile or sit for hours in a chair holding needles because that is truly their bliss.

There are plenty of people stuck in loveless marriages, women who had 3 kids before they realized they hated motherhood, women who desperately want to meet Mr. Right and keep ending up with Mr. Psycho, people who have fallen in love and formed a relationship but because of archaic laws against same-sex couples can't adopt any children. I could go on and on. Reserve your "pity" (a word I must say I despise), or perhaps your empathy, for people who are not fortunate to be as happy as you.

I am married with one child. I work full-time in a fairly fast-paced career. I love my husband and am very happily married, but in my case, I wish I could afford to stay at home, at least in the short term. I would love to have another child, and look forward to the opportunity for more maternity leave to spend my time being a full-time mom. For me, I love being a wife to my husband and a mom to my daughter, I love cooking and caring for my home, I love decorating, gardening, doing crafts and projects with the neighborhood kids, going for walks in the woods, and spending time with my family.

Your choices sound like they were the right ones for you. But we all have regrets and doubts. I wish I'd traveled more before starting my career. Your post and its tone rather make me wonder if you don't have a few of your own that you haven't fully assessed.


View replies by

Krista - posted on 01/31/2012




Yeah, I would say do your thing and enjoy your life. But it's silly to pity someone who might be blissfully happy being a "soccer mom".

Bonnie - posted on 01/31/2012




You have to do and want what is in your heart. Don't be a certain way because that's how you think it needs to be or that's how people want you to be. Just as you don't want to get married again and you don't want more children, there are many out there who can only think of being married and having many kids. You do what is right for you.

Stifler's - posted on 01/30/2012




What's wrong with that? I'm sure there are plenty of women who are single by choice. I get shit for "only" having 2 kids as if it's everyone's dream to have 12 kids and drive a mini bus and have no time or money to spend on themselves. Veery irritating.

[deleted account]

No one can tell you what you want except for you, and it should not matter to anyone else but you (and your daughter) what you want--do what makes you happy!

While I am happy in my marriage, my husband and I decided to have only one child because, like you, we love our carefree, fast moving lifestyle. We travel the world, J in tow, and we wouldn't change it for anything. I have encountered criticism from those who say that we should "settle down and have another child" and that the travel and solitude of being an only child could be hard on J, but J loves the travel and has no desire for siblings, thus, we don't see any reason not to do the things we love.

Iridescent - posted on 01/30/2012




There is nothing wrong with that at all. Life is about what makes YOU happy, provided it doesn't infringe on the rights of others. Do what makes you happy.

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