Angry teen daughter wants to run away with her dad to another state

Debi - posted on 03/06/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Please, I need advice. My ex got a promotion and accepted a job in NJ, which moves him (and his wife and stepson) out of state and away from my daughter (16). He told me, however, that my daughter wants to move with him, and I need to "listen to what she wants." I have primary custody, so he cannot just take her. My daughter is having wild teenage behavior, from being angry one minute, to loving me the next, to hating me the minute after, to being sweet all over again. Her hormones are raging and she's all over the page. I've consulted a counselor who told me her behavior is normal, but it's tearing me apart and not easy to deal with. Now, she is angry that I told her I'm against her moving to NJ. In fact, her father is about to be served with a petition to modify our parenting plan, which is going to cause an uproar...possibly a hearing where a judge makes the final decision. Her dad is filling her head with the excitement of living close to New York and Broadway. Seemingly, moving to NJ sounds great for a child who wants to be in theater (she currently attends a performing arts high school) to be close to New York; however, the school her father proposes does not offer a performing arts program. He’s also told her that she can go on auditions and that there is a program where she can intern on Broadway. I looked into his claims and the internship (when she's eligible) is a 1-hour plus drive. In addition, candidates must be a senior in high school (she’s a sophomore) or college students to quality, and must be accepted to the program after writing an essay. I am sick over the thought of going to court and possibly losing her…but I feel I’m losing her anyway because she is so angry. I’m not sure what my question is, but I am reaching out for advice/help. I am happy to answer questions and provide more detail, if interested.

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Virginia - posted on 03/11/2015

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Great Job!!!!! I am so happy and do not even no you but mom you made the best move ever. Be strong and please step back a little not to much but let her breath. Please do not shed a tear as you see her go. She will be in good hands a girls first love is her daddy's love. Please do not feel bad now it is your turn to live your dream and not worry about her going out the window to meet a boy. Take care and good luck to you

Virginia - posted on 03/11/2015

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Let her go, your door will always be open to her if things do no work out. I understand how you feel but mothers have to let go at one point.

Debi - posted on 03/07/2015

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Thank you again, ladies! I had a talk with my daughter this morning and gave her her power back. I told her I would support her if that's what she truly wants. She is seeing a counselor who is helping guide her for all the right reasons. I truly want what's in her best interest, so I am trying to be the best mom possible, without being selfish.

Mommabird - posted on 03/07/2015

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Wanted to add...were not taking dads side by suggesting letting her go. Just that the fact she is 16 not 10 is a big factor. If she's had Mom through puberty, boys, and most teen scenarios...see how dad handles the rest. Honestly...he doesn't sound like a bad father but he probably isn't prepared for questions to come before she's an adult. She will probably still call you for those talks. Like we've all said...her expectations may not be met and she will rethink things. Unless she ends up developing a better bond with her dad and stay...and that wouldn't be a bad thing either. Bottom line, let her know her feelings and needs are important so if she decides to go just make sure she knows she can call you anytime for Anything and you'll be there for her. Support support support...that's all she wants. Be strong and stay positive...try talking about the pros and cons with her. You never know..she might change her mind altogether on her own :)

Virginia - posted on 03/07/2015

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Dear Debi, Let her go with her father she will be back the grass always looks green on the other side. You will hurt but put a smile on your face and keep it moving she will always be your daughter,

Debi - posted on 03/06/2015

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Thank you for your replies, ladies. No, her dad is not a bad father, he's always been "Disney Dad." She gets everything money can buy. He hasn't been the "parent," so (in her best interest) I struggle with letting her go.

Mommabird - posted on 03/06/2015

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That's a tough one! She is 16 so her choice can be heard by the judge and can be considered. But a judge still has to hear reasonable explanations for wanting to go. I know for a fact that just because you have rules or youre too strict or she just wants to be close to NY are NOT good enough for a judge. If you can physically and financially take care of her , have ground rules and morals for her, and you have her best interest at heart.you shouldn't have anything to worry about. On the other hand...if you fight for her to stay with you there's the possibility she will retaliate and resent you. So be prepared and have a plan ready. If her father has been a good father to her and you know she is safe when she's with him what argument would you have in court besides you not wanting her to be in another state? A judge might ask. I would have a nice calm mother daughter talk and weigh the pros and cons with each other...remind her what pros there are if she stays. Maybe that could change her mind..?

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