Anxiety about In-Laws and Baby

Kristen - posted on 03/10/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )




Okay, so.. here is my situation. My mother and I have always been very very close, and of course, I look to her for help with our new baby (12 weeks old). I am back to work and get off at 5. I take JDP to daycare around 7 every morning and do not want him there for 10 hours a day, so my mother picks him up when she gets off at 330 everyday and takes him to our house. My MIL and FIL, who are divorced, are already starting to contact my husband complaining that they never get to see their grandson, which is not true. We may not see them every weekend but we do see them at least every 2 to 3 weeks. Plus, I have never said they are not welcomed to come see him at our house if they would like. My MIL is already starting so push that she wants to pick him up from daycare and that she wants to watch him (without us around) and I am so not ready for either or.

Backing up a bit, to explain my feelings about my MIL. She and her new husband got engaged when I was 7 months pregnant, which was great. I was so happy for them. BUT, when they announced that their wedding date would be within a week of my due date, I was FURIOUS. This is her 3rd marriage. I had a C section 2 weeks early, and not to mention, 3 days before the wedding. We came home the day of the wedding. My husband was told by his father, her ex, that he should go to the wedding to support his mom, which he did.. did I mention THE FIRST DAY HOME WITH OUR NEW BABY. I was so hurt and upset. I looked to my parents instead of my husband starting at that moment, specifically my mother. Anyways, that is just a little contribution to my feelings for my in laws.

Back to my point, the more my in laws contact my husband and complain, the more furious i get. As i stated, I have NEVER kept him away from them, and yes, my mother does get to see him more, but my father (my parents are still married) does not get to see him as much. My mother is only helping me, not trying to get more time with JDP. Again, my son is only 12 weeks old. There will be plenty of time with all the grandparents come due time. Am I wrong to feel the way i do?


Guest - posted on 03/10/2014




It is never wrong to feel a certain way. That said, sometimes feelings can cloud our judgment.
It was a bit thoughtless of your MIL to schedule her wedding that close to your due date, but I don't know the details and maybe there was some specific reason she chose that date that was important to her.
I, personally, would not have minded if my husband had gone to his mother's wedding the day we got home from the hospital....but that is ME, and it is okay for you to feel differently. I'm only including that because your husband and his parents might not even know that you were upset about that. There is no point continuing to be upset about it because it is in the past, and you cannot change it, but you can learn from it. In the future, understand that their values may differ from yours, and if they are planning to do something that will upset you, let them know in advance. Like the wedding, for example, when she announced the date (hopefully before all the plans were made), you could have said, "That is really close to my due date. I would really love to be there to support you and I'm worried that if I have any complications, I won't make it. Any chance you might consider moving it back a few weeks or is this date really important to you?" That lets her know you support her, but that you object to the date, and it gives her a chance to explain herself. The wedding will (hopefully) not happen again, but use the same concept.

My Mom and MIL both like to see my son at least once a week and I like it that way too, but extended family is very important in my culture. Is there a reason you don't TRUST MIL to pick up your little one, or are you just not allowing her to because you are upset about the wedding? If you don't trust her for some reason, that is one thing, but if you are just holding a grudge, you are only going to build resentment between the two of you. She screwed up with the wedding, but I think it is time to start rebuilding a GOOD relationship between the two of you--you will be happier in the long run. I know you said she is free to visit when she wishes, but do you really want to be entertaining your MIL once a week? It's not like having your mom over, it is ALWAYS more stressful to have MIL over. Why don't you let her pick him up one day to see how it goes, then maybe go up to once a week? This way, your mom still gets to help you out, your MIL gets her grandson fix, and gets to feel useful.
There is also the possibility that MIL DOES realize how careless she was and wants to help out to make it up to you. A lot of people don't know how to apologize, given that she's been married 3 times, she might be one of those people and this is her way of trying to make things up to you.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

1 Comment

View replies by

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms